To think this mum should have been more concerned

[consideratealpaca]

Dd9 has an account on a popular online gaming platform. During lockdown she spent a reasonable amount of time playing this game with her class friends from school. One particular girl and DD have butted heads a few times and fell out, which to me seemed like normal kid like behaviour and I wasn't concerned.
Despite me trying to persuade DD not to, she opted to spend some of her birthday money on 'diamonds' to enhance her game experience. I think she spent roughly £100 in dribs and drabs, which I wasn't impressed about, but it is her money when all is said and done.
Last week she came to me and said her account had been 'hacked' and all her diamonds, special objects etc had been stolen. She was then shut out of her own account. It finally transpired that she'd given the girl in her class who she frequently argues with her log in details.
Ordinarily I wouldn't particularly care but this child has stolen the things she bought with her birthday money as well as all the credits she had accrued in game play.
The girls had a brief exchange on WhatsApp and the class friend admitted she had taken my daughters diamonds etc and then changed her password.
I'm pretty sure I can take back control of the account for her, but everything is now lost. Her friend meanwhile, has all of my daughters diamonds and credits.

I messaged the mother of the child in question and whilst the message was read, it was ignored. So I approached her in a polite and friendly way in the playground this afternoon. I was hoping that she'd be shocked at her daughter's behaviour and perhaps we'd get an apology at least. I do not want to be reimbursed for the lost money, and stated that from the start.
The mother's reaction was just to shrug and waffle about not getting involved. Am I right to be mildly pissed off, or ridiculous for making an issue of it to begin with?

I’m assuming it’s something like roblox -

I do respect the opinions of those who say it's my fault. BUT I do monitor my child and her account is not visible to strangers, only people who she's shared her username with can talk to her. I check regularly and she is only chatting to class friends.
She's usually very mature and switched on so I'm shocked that she was silly enough to give the other kid control of her account.
YES, it's a lesson learned. But an apology would have been nice, right?
I'd be mortified if my child stole something worth £100.

Here you are OP. Sounds as if this might be of use?

www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/articles/gaming/

It's not too much to ask her to be apologetic but she clearly, also, doesn't give a shit about her child rearing skills.

Maybe she's secretly judging you for allowing your 9 year old to spend £100 on an online game.

You probably won't get much support on AIBU - it's brutally honest and IMO, you need some brutal honesty. And to put some boundaries in place with your child.

I am in agreement with others allowing a 9 year old to blow £100 ... she asked and you said yes 🙄

Ask to see her teacher and explain what has happened and show them the evidence. Be prepared to get a lecture on your lack of supervision though but they should take the issue seriously and talk to the other child and their parent. Similar issues have often cropped up with my DS and his 'mates' at school (not money related though).
If nothing else - the school should give all concerned a lesson on on-line behaviour/security/privacy. It would teach the other mother a lesson also, that she can't just ignore this.
Also, I'm assuming you had to pay by card to get the £100 into her on-line game? I hope you deleted your payment details.

She’s not actually mature though is she?

She’s nine.

She’s a child

And you are treating her like a teenager.

You need to tighten the boundaries, and that would start with removing her access to this game. If she’s not mature enough to not give out her online details then she’s not mature enough to be playing the game at all.

I would consider it a part of the punishment for being so stupid. No more online gaming, and the loss was her own fault.

The other parent may well have punished her child for all you know, but your DD essentially gave the child the diamonds when she gave her the username and password so although she did wrong it wasn’t actually stealing.

You need to stop focusing on the other child and concentrate on your own.

Oh ffs don't be so judgemental. Just ignore all these harridans, OP.

YANBU the mum sounds like a wet lettuce. You can’t force her to be sorry though.

But you need to have a conversation with your daughter about internet safety. It’s pretty basic to not share login details. She’s learned this the hard way but you don’t want her learning harder lessons by sharing more than she should online.

If you monitor your child, how did this happen?

The judgement on here is unreal, you've clearly said that dd sits at a P.C. downstairs where you can keep an eye on her. All the parents on here though must sit with their dc's the whole time they're playing any kind of online game
Also your dd's birthday money is for your dd to spend on what she likes with your permission, don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your parenting.

@jrb123 Ha, yes but I expected to get a bollocking from the holier than thou crowd. It's Mumsnet after all.

£100 spent online during what was extenuating circumstances. Lockdown was rough for us all, and she got her money's worth in terms of enjoyment. It wasn't all spent in one go. She might have had £10 of her money one week because she helped wash the car. And £5 the next week.

@AlternativePerspective Of course it's stealing! 😆 If you gave me the keys to your house so I could feed a pet and I pinched your telly that would be okay?

@consideratealpaca

To clarify... The gaming platform is for children her age. She only uses WhatsApp on my phone so I can monitor all of her conversations. No, I wasn't happy that she's spent £100 on this game, but she asked my permission. She had 400 birthday money and spent 100 on a game that she loves to play with her friends from school.

You weren’t happy that she spent £100 on a game but you let her do it anyway. OP this sums up the entire problem. If you can’t see what awful parenting this is, we can’t help you I’m afraid. If she’s giving away her log-in details she isn’t mature enough to be playing those sort of games.

God I’d be SO angry OP. That girl knows exactly what she’s done & she’s completely got away with it. Your daughter must be gutted. I just don’t think it’s fair & personally I couldn’t let it lie... I’d want an apology from the girl to DD at least... I’d approach the mother again... you don’t just shrug your shoulders at shit like this!!

Depending on the game you might be able to report it and see if you can get anything back.

The other mother is either bloody awful, or doesn’t understand.

Unless your daughter proactively handed over the logon (i.e. wasn’t asked for it) then technically it was cat-fishing by the other child and is a crime. While I wouldn’t go as far as reporting it to the police, you might get more traction with the other parent if you point that out.

(Also, FWIW don’t think there is anything wrong with your daughter spending her own money, with your knowledge and permission, on an age appropriate supervised game that helped her through lockdown. Clearly everyone else’s children save every penny )

[quote littlecatfeet]^@littlecatfeet
The game is for kids her age. It's certificated by a body that's similar to the one that certificates films.^

Oh FFS, you really had me going but you've taken it just that bit too far. Thank god this isn't serious.[/quote]
Do you not know much about gaming?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/PanEuropeannGameInformation

For me the biggest issue is that she gave away her login and password details. She’s learnt the hard way not to do this.

Spending the money wasn’t such an issue. It’s her birthday money and she asked permission first. My boys have purchased Online games with birthday money before.

I think at nine, the other mother should have said something. Maybe she fears you will ask for the money back, and can’t afford £100 . Or us embaressed about her child’s actions.

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

Ask to see her teacher and explain what has happened and show them the evidence. Be prepared to get a lecture on your lack of supervision though but they should take the issue seriously and talk to the other child and their parent. Similar issues have often cropped up with my DS and his 'mates' at school (not money related though). If nothing else - the school should give all concerned a lesson on on-line behaviour/security/privacy. It would teach the other mother a lesson also, that she can't just ignore this. Also, I'm assuming you had to pay by card to get the £100 into her on-line game? I hope you deleted your payment details.

Schools have no interest in things that have happened out of school .Why should they ?

I don't see why there is such outrage at spending birthday money on online gaming. To me it's about a million times better than buying plastic crap from a toy shop.

£100 sounds like an absolutely crazy amount to me, and I wouldn't have allowed it. But I suppose on the other hand, my children would never get anywhere near £400 in birthday money, so I have nothing to base that judgement on.

In your shoes I'd be really pissed off at the other girl and her mother. But I'd be pissed off at myself too for not having adequately supervised. And pissed off with my daughter for sharing her log in details (I'm assuming she had been warned not to).

But a valuable lesson has been learnt, and I'd say she'll never be caught out again.

I don't think you're exactly parent of the year but I'd be so ashamed if any of my children stole!

If the girl is able to give the stuff back via the game then it's awful that the mother has that attitude, I would be fuming too. If it was my daughter, and my 7 year olds are hooked on Roblox and seem to be trading pets and getting scammed (so they say) when trades aren't reciprocated, I would make sure they gave it all back. Maybe one final message to her stating that you obviously didn't make yourself clear in the playground, but you would like her daughter to return the stuff she stole when she had control of your daughter's account? Is it possible she doesn't really understand the game?

Bloody hell - your kids get £400 on their birthdays?!...or is this accumulated from previous birthdays and Xmas? If this is from one event they really are very lucky and I’d maybe think more carefully about how much they really do appreciate the £ value and what they have. I am however very sorry your child has suffered a loss, a hard & miserable lesson to learn...but valuable in its own way I suppose🤷🏼‍♀️.

All these people telling OP off, I suppose you’ve never made any mistakes parenting!?!! What’s happened has happened.

All children are different, none of these judgy people know your child, or for that matter which game she was on. They don’t have the full picture to judge.

You’ve given her responsibility for her passwords. It’s transpired she’s not ready for that and she’s made mistakes. You’ve identified and learnt you need to take back control of her account. Lesson learned by you, no need for everyone to berate you.

Your daughter has learnt lessons the hard way what people can be capable of. I actually had some stuff stolen by a friend around that age, and it really hurt, the lesson on what people are capable of stuck with me for ages. Don’t be hard on her, she’s already suffered enough through this happening. Just support her, she might be abit upset for a while, while she processes what happened.

And yes the other parent should have been more concerned. Although similar happened with the other parent when I had stuff stolen too, sadly not much you can do about that though.

I feel a bit faint at the thought of throwing down the drain spending £100 on an online game. A very expensive lesson to learn.