To think this mum should have been more concerned

[consideratealpaca]

Dd9 has an account on a popular online gaming platform. During lockdown she spent a reasonable amount of time playing this game with her class friends from school. One particular girl and DD have butted heads a few times and fell out, which to me seemed like normal kid like behaviour and I wasn't concerned.
Despite me trying to persuade DD not to, she opted to spend some of her birthday money on 'diamonds' to enhance her game experience. I think she spent roughly £100 in dribs and drabs, which I wasn't impressed about, but it is her money when all is said and done.
Last week she came to me and said her account had been 'hacked' and all her diamonds, special objects etc had been stolen. She was then shut out of her own account. It finally transpired that she'd given the girl in her class who she frequently argues with her log in details.
Ordinarily I wouldn't particularly care but this child has stolen the things she bought with her birthday money as well as all the credits she had accrued in game play.
The girls had a brief exchange on WhatsApp and the class friend admitted she had taken my daughters diamonds etc and then changed her password.
I'm pretty sure I can take back control of the account for her, but everything is now lost. Her friend meanwhile, has all of my daughters diamonds and credits.

I messaged the mother of the child in question and whilst the message was read, it was ignored. So I approached her in a polite and friendly way in the playground this afternoon. I was hoping that she'd be shocked at her daughter's behaviour and perhaps we'd get an apology at least. I do not want to be reimbursed for the lost money, and stated that from the start.
The mother's reaction was just to shrug and waffle about not getting involved. Am I right to be mildly pissed off, or ridiculous for making an issue of it to begin with?

It's madness, but I'm stewing about the whole thing and my failure to insist she deal with it. I keep mulling the conversation over in my head and the way she rolled her eyes and tutted, saying she doesn't need the drama. I just wanted an apology for my daughter who was standing next to me. Meanwhile the girl in question stood a meter or two behind her mother and was never brought forward to say her side of the story or to be forced to apologise.
And the thing that sticks in my mind is the way she sneered at me and said something about 'people who are all mouth and no trousers' & 'giving it all this (makes duck beak hand gesture) behind your back but won't say it to your face'. It seemed an odd thing to say and I was left wondering if she meant me? FWIW I keep well away from school yard politics, I get my children and get the fuck out of there. I'm not and have never been a gossip or back stabber.
I wonder if it was a veiled threat about me telling others what her DD has done.

For me the biggest issue is that she gave away her login and password details

This would be a big concern.
Could she be persuaded to send a photograph? To someone she doesn’t know.

I find it mildly repulsive that a 9 year old has so much stuff and money that she wastes £100 on non existent diamonds. I think you need to start looking and giving her some value two things in real life. She either has too much stuff or doesn't appreciate how useful this money could be in the real world people that have virtually nothing.

@LovingLola She doesn't talk to anyone online who is not a school friend or a family member. Her account is locked down on that front so that she cannot be approached, and I check her interactions regularly.

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. I would give her until the end of the week to have all the lost items restored to the account and the password changed back to what it was or you will be reporting her to the police and taking her to a small claims court. I know this sounds ridiculous and I know the police may laugh and tell you to go away, but it might just be the trousers that she needs to get her arse in gear and do the right thing.

I've read the thread. I think in answer to your actual question OP is that the other mother doesn't like confrontation. Especially not an argument or drama in the playground. Is she shy, depressed, anxious? She actually did a good job of managing the situation so it didn't blow up in public in front of the kids. So... whether she cares or not, she got the reaction she wanted.

@Ullupullu The thing is though, that it would never have 'blown up'. I approached her in a completely friendly and non confrontational way. I didn't want anything other than a bit of acknowledgement for the child's wrong doing and an apology.
I assure you, I'm not the type of person who goes around looking for arguments and certainly wouldn't entertain that thought in the middle of a playground.

@Ullupullu Sounds bollocks? Great story? What are you on about? If I was going to invent a story for mumsnet I'd do much better than this shit.

Haven't read the whole thread but if it's Roblox they do a one time restore for children if they have had items stolen. Contact Roblox HQ and tell them another child has hacked into the account / guessed the password and they will restore the items and suspend or block the other child's account. Your child has proof of purchase.

Don't be so passive about this - the child shouldn't be allowed to steal items and get away with it. Sod wanting an apology - I would want the items returned or the money refunded, plus the other child's account at least suspended.

Yes , I think that you should get an apology though I doubt you will.
But.
These diamonds, loot boxes,tradings skins on games are deliberately designed to be addictive and lure kids in to spending money. Gaming designers have described kids who spend big like your daughter as 'whales'. They know this stuff is addictive and hard for kids to resist.

It's a lesson for your daughter not to ever give her account details to anyone ever.

Actually, as Genevieva states, you might have a chance with that depending on the Internet Service Provider and the gaming company - they should keep the connection logs, password change history etc... and I doubt a 9yo would be particularly savvy about anonymising their IP address (though could be wrong). That would probably be a load of admin effort though, with no guarantee of anything at the end of it.

I think you're right to be angry in all respects - with yourself for not warning your daughter to never, ever give out her login and password, with your daughter for doing so if you had given such a warning, with the other kid for nicking your kid's stuff, and the other mum for not caring about their child's theft.

As other posters have pointed out, for £100 you have given your daughter a valuable, and hopefully very memorable, lesson in online security and learning to stay away from people who can't behave in a civil manner (to keep it polite).

FWIW, I manage all the passwords for my kids, so they don't know any of their passwords for any account / app on the devices they have, as one of the steps to protect them. It can be a pain in the bum when they want to do something, but it means I know exactly what they're doing re : payments, and they couldn't give out login details if they wanted do. I heartily recommend it.

I think you should be more concerned. Not by the other mum though.

I have a 9yo who loves to play games online. I have explained (from a very young age) that money will not change hands. We give a very small allowance - a few pounds - for him to spend on apps at Xmas and Birthdays. And that’s it. No diamonds or skins or anything.

I’m really struggling with the £400 birthday money. That is not an appropriate amount for a 9yo, unless you’re unhappy for it to be wasted (which it evidently was).

Our children get birthday money from grandparents, this gets put into bonds. It is certainly not available for gambling.

The other child is a thief, and that’s wrong. But you have only yourself to blame for letting that happen.

@greenorangeclock

I'm sorry OP but 9 is too young for online gaming with in app purchases. It's basically gambling and already sounds like your DD is addicted. She has also shown you she doesn't understand the consequences of sharing her login details. Bottom line for you is she is too young for this.

God some people on here are as clueless as my 90 year old granny about this stuff. How the hell is paying money to add to a computer game basically gambling? Wtf?! Gambling?

Like a kid buying more Lego for their collection, this child is buying credits to make her online game bigger and better. No more wasteful than buying magazines, an iTunes album or a trip to the cinema!

While £100 sounds a lot, it's actually quite an easy amount to fritter when you're buying diamonds/tokens/passes in drips and drabs.

I would be angry too, OP. It sounds like the other girl's mum has had run-ins with other people too, from her comments about people talking behind her back. I'd keep a close eye on the relationship between your DD and the other girl in future, it sounds like something that could turn nasty further down the line. It sounds like your DD has learned a hard lesson about security now but hopefully she knows she can talk to you about any similar issues in future.

In all due respect I wasn't asking how much money people think we should gift our children, or what they think we should allow them to spend it on. It's our money to do with as we see fit, and our children are taught how to save and the value of hard work and the money that results.
I don't think I could find it in my heart to make my 9 year old spend her birthday money on bonds, but maybe it's just me.

Sorry, that was in response to @Yellownotblue

Op ignore most the ppl on here I woukd really message the company I know she gave out her details but explain it to them most are very understanding when dealing with kids accounts she should be able to get it back and the other girls account would probably be frozen but she stole and I also think she planned it when she asked your dd for her details

The mum sounds awful and doesn’t seem interested in dealing with her daughters theft (which is exactly what it is, even though your daughter shared her password)

I’d report it to the game owner see if you can get it transferred back that way. If not I’d text the mum with the screenshots you have about her dds theft and give her until a certain date to rectify it or else you will notify the police. The police might not do anything but a threat of it might persuade the mum and even if the police phoned them that might be enough to give them a push.

I think you we’re far too soft on the mum saying you didn't want the money back, you either need the money or the diamonds transferred back. If it was a bike or something she’d stolen you wouldn’t just expect an apology and let the other child keep the bike. I know public confrontation can be difficult which is why I’d put it in a text and it doesn’t matter that you’ve already walked away from it, I’d just say I’ve given it further thought and it’s a lot of money so needs sorting.

I would also let the school know if it doesn’t get resolved. Not so that they can get involved, but they might notice that your dd has suddenly cut the friend out and you don’t want some well meaning teacher to try and make them be friends again.

I'm amazed you let a child of 9 have her own account and spend £100. Is this even legal. About the other child. I'd say there isn't a lot you can do as your DD handed over her log in details. Why did she do that. Out of decency the other mother should have replied. I would stop allowing her to use money to play these games. It could lead to a dangerous addiction IMHO.

I just wanted an apology for my daughter who was standing next to me

I’m with the other mum on this one. If it’s just about apologies and stuff, they should be left to sort it out among themselves. I’d only have approached the other mum to either make her aware of what her kid had done, or to ask for the money back. The rest is between them.

Loving the holier than thou messages here. My goodness a child spending their own money on games how very dare they.

I easily spent 100 over lockdown on robucks for DD. There was fuck all else for her to do, you can only expect a child to entertain themselves for so long. 4 months of not even being able to go out and play with her friends, she’d finished every craft kit, read numerous books, these were extenuating circumstances and we had the money to do it so why the hell not. I wasn’t about to say to her “no, you can’t play Roblox and buy some robucks because some people don’t have ten pounds to spare” Just like I never tell her to eat up because there are starving kids in the world. She understands her privilege well enough without having to do that.

Ridiculous pearl clutching on this thread. Kids play games online and yes, they spend money on gaming if they can afford to. I much prefer money wasted online to money wasted on plastic that is ignored after an hour and which I have to then throw into a landfill. OP I agree with PP that you should contact Roblox (or whatever the game is) support and tell them what has happened. It is ultimately your DD's fault for giving out her login details, but you never know - they can be quite helpful and they might well sanction the other girl (they can see history on accounts and will be able to see what has happened).

@MintyMabel Yes, you're right, absolutely to let her know what her DD had done. That was one of the first things I stated, that I wanted to make her aware that X&Y had happened. Zero fucks given though.

Right! Sleep time for me. Thank you all for your perspectives, and advice given. I've taken it all on board and shall be contacting the gaming platform in the morning to see how they can help. x

Yes, the other mum should definitely have apologised and dealt with it better. What the other child did was theft. She should either return what she took (if possible) or offer to pay for it. If it were my child, she would be paying for it in installments from her pocket money.

Tbh, though, it sounds like you could also do a better job of helping your dd to understand the concept of digital security - if she is old enough to have her own password and log-in for stuff, then she needs to know how to manage these responsibly. And I'd be quite seriously concerned about a child of that age frittering away £100 on gaming...that sounds like an unhealthy addiction to me.