To think this mum should have been more concerned

[consideratealpaca]

Dd9 has an account on a popular online gaming platform. During lockdown she spent a reasonable amount of time playing this game with her class friends from school. One particular girl and DD have butted heads a few times and fell out, which to me seemed like normal kid like behaviour and I wasn't concerned.
Despite me trying to persuade DD not to, she opted to spend some of her birthday money on 'diamonds' to enhance her game experience. I think she spent roughly £100 in dribs and drabs, which I wasn't impressed about, but it is her money when all is said and done.
Last week she came to me and said her account had been 'hacked' and all her diamonds, special objects etc had been stolen. She was then shut out of her own account. It finally transpired that she'd given the girl in her class who she frequently argues with her log in details.
Ordinarily I wouldn't particularly care but this child has stolen the things she bought with her birthday money as well as all the credits she had accrued in game play.
The girls had a brief exchange on WhatsApp and the class friend admitted she had taken my daughters diamonds etc and then changed her password.
I'm pretty sure I can take back control of the account for her, but everything is now lost. Her friend meanwhile, has all of my daughters diamonds and credits.

I messaged the mother of the child in question and whilst the message was read, it was ignored. So I approached her in a polite and friendly way in the playground this afternoon. I was hoping that she'd be shocked at her daughter's behaviour and perhaps we'd get an apology at least. I do not want to be reimbursed for the lost money, and stated that from the start.
The mother's reaction was just to shrug and waffle about not getting involved. Am I right to be mildly pissed off, or ridiculous for making an issue of it to begin with?

I'm sorry OP but 9 is too young for online gaming with in app purchases. It's basically gambling and already sounds like your DD is addicted. She has also shown you she doesn't understand the consequences of sharing her login details. Bottom line for you is she is too young for this.

Just read batshite post and think that is good advice about reporting
Mine have xbox and always on about people being reported and banned etc
My son had a 24 hr ban for swearing - lesson learnt

Can someone please explain how this is like gambling?

I can't believe this thread. I can't believe a mother would allow her 9 year old to spend £100 on a computer game. Since when does a 9 year old understand about money, consequences and actions. Op you should be teaching her ... not allowing autonomy with money at 9 🤯.
And before you say I'm out of touch I have 4 kids who had to ask me for any money when they were that age. Dd1 used to play club penguin and had to ask me for £5.00 to join the club ( many moons ago).
Please step up and be a proper parent .

I don't understand why so many posters are blaming the OP's daughter. It's no different than if she bought a bike with her birthday money, let the other girl ride in and then the other girl stole it. The other girl is a thief and the OP's daughter is the victim here. This shouldn't just be ignored.

Nothing makes people quite so sanctimonious as computer games.

It's the 2020 equivalent of being told in the 1980s that our eyes would turn square if we so much as glanced at a TV.

Or my elderly mum's 1930s childhood where she was criticised for reading because it was just words on a page and a waste of valuable time.

Leaving aside the issue of the amount your dd spent on the game (which I think you have explained, and was OK in the circumstances), @consideratealpaca, I agree with you that the mum’s attitude is unacceptable. If one of my boys had done what this other girl has done, I would be very cross with them, and mortified.

The diamonds would be returned, and both the child and I would apologise.

She really doesn't understand the vue of money, otherwise she wouldn't have handed over her log in details. Madness to let a 9 yr old soend £100 on gaming.

OP you're not unreasonable AT ALL! £100 over the course of 8-9 months is not bad at all. My son used to spend all his pocket money (£40 a month, now that will outrage the holier than thou crowd! ) on Fortnite skins, battle passes etc. It brought him a lot more pleasure than plastic shite ever would (and is a lot better for the environment!).

Guess what, he's grown out of it now and is saving up for a fancy guitar- again his choice. No regrets at all re the previous spending as he spent many a happy hour blissfully playing Fortnite!

I would be mortified if he stole someone else's stuff though and would make him pay the money back from his pocket money (in fact I'm 99% sure he would be contrite enough to offer himself). So yes, shit parenting on the other mother.

Thank you all for the advice, and in the case of many posters, the support. I'm glad others agree that letting her spend some of her birthday money during lockdown on a computer game isn't COMPLETE madness.

The response of the other mother floored me somewhat. I was so taken aback that she didn't seem to give a shit, and now I'm angry with myself for not insisting she deal with it. I fear the moment has now passed and there's nothing I can do.☹️
Maybe I was slightly intimidated, she's about a foot taller than me and could easily knock me out.

I have no issue with spending money on online games for children. I bought my kids games when they were younger. Club Penguin was a favourite of theirs.
But, BUT, £100 on a single game for in-game items?
Not a chance!!

The problem with in-game items is that they become addictive. They want to keep buying them to gain the advantages. Those kinds of games need to be carefully managed and monitored by parents to ensure children can't spend too much.

You also have to recognise that virtual games can disappear overnight if the designers or hosts decide to shut it down. I lost a game I really enjoyed through that happening (I hadn't spent any money on it though)

I think this is actually a rather interesting scenario. It is easy to be all judgemental, but it is still a theft of considerable value. I think a more serious conversation is required and I would be demanding the return of the assets stolen. Separately I would ensure your daughter can't spend money on her device without you overseeing the payment.

I fear the moment has now passed and there's nothing I can do.

I don't think you would get anywhere with her, even if you had pressed the point. I don't think she will care until its her child.

Which is why, reporting is the way to go here. I know it might sound harsh, that they might freeze this girls whole account which will lead to her losing a lot by the sounds of it. But honestly..its deserved and will teach that child for the future, given it seems her parents wont teach her, that stealing is unacceptable and has consequences.

Its possible, infact possibly likely, that shes done this before too.

There are two issues here, the gaming/money/etc is the first (and not really our business), and the mothers reaction is the second.

I'm with you, OP. I would be outraged if my child had done that, and can't believe she is so nonchalant abut the whole thing!

Everybody is saying contact the company, they could see the other girl stole OP’s DD’s diamonds.

I think what they would say is the same that banks would say, ha! She handed her password? Though! and they would be right because someone who doesn’t have the maturity to keep their details safe, should not be allowed to invest so money in something they cannot reasonably take care of.

Have you tried contacting the game developers with the evidence of the theft? They technically could overturn it!

Obviously handing over the login details voluntarily weakens your postioon but they might be able to help--it's worth a shot.

Going against the grain but I can completely understand the spending on the game... in my personal opinion it is more sensible than spending it on dolls or toys costing £30 which will be out of fashion in a month and forgotten about. Yes in a perfect world she would have asked to spend it on books and education but she’s a child and so if she gets enjoyment out of it with her friends then ok (although yes a complete waste in a logical sense).
I totally agree that the mother’s response is shocking and wrong. But I do think there are good things from this experience. One is a very valuable lesson for her (well worth £100 IMO and as she gets older jacking and theft is going to be much more sophisticated so she’s got a head start). The other is a reminder to you at just how nasty some people can be child or adult, and how a veil of politeness is just that, a veil.

link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10676-011-9285-3

Interesting article about the Dutch approach.

Op your not unreasonable.

Someone would be charged, if you lend someone your ATM card which they then took at a later point without your knowledge and cleaned out your accounts.
This is exactly what the other child has done, stolen from your child.

Block her on everything you can, tell the mother that her child stole from yours and you expect reparations.

I don't see what's intrinsically worse about buying stuff online than LOL dolls or Hatchimals or whatever plastic tat might be in Vogue either.

Yes it's a lot of money but it is her money to spend.

Better that she loses £100 now and learns a hard lesson than gets to adulthood having never had any control of her own money and gets scammed out of thousands. She'll remember this and learn from it.

I do think it is theft but she gave over her login details so I'm not sure where that leaves you. If I gave someone my pin and card and they took £100 from my account would it be partly my fault or solely theirs?

I would give it one more go with the parent. Have an idea what you want to happen and politely ask for it eg I want Ella to give Lily 50k diamond back by Sunday and an apology.

My has just spend £134 of my money on games she is 11 and knows better,she knew what she was doing now she has lost her phone,and laptop, she needs her laptop for school but her mum will not give it back

It is undoubtedly theft. Giving log in details was foolish because it enabled the theft, but she never gave permission for her assets to be taken.

Kids like spending their money on crap. If it’s their money, it’s their money . I’m sure @consideratealpaca, like most parents, cautions against spending too much and wasting it on crap - but who are we to judge as parents? A recent thread about gifts we never got talks about Mr Frosty machines - they were shit, but we all wanted one. Our parents might not have bought one for us but they might have allowed us to buy one with our own money.

Plus of course, spending in game leads to less crap hanging round the house

I said earlier OP, YANBU for your expectations from the other mother. But time for a lot hard talk about internet security.

This is just so sad on so many levels.

The OP has stated it has been £100 in smaller sums since the start of the year. So what just over £10 a month. That doesn't sound too bad to me. Over the years my DC will have wasted a similar amount on Pokémon cards which now have been dumped in a box.

I think it is pretty awful of the other girls mother. If I were here I would be working with you to come to some sort of solution. I think the only thing that can be gained is life lessons.