To think this mum should have been more concerned

[consideratealpaca]

Dd9 has an account on a popular online gaming platform. During lockdown she spent a reasonable amount of time playing this game with her class friends from school. One particular girl and DD have butted heads a few times and fell out, which to me seemed like normal kid like behaviour and I wasn't concerned.
Despite me trying to persuade DD not to, she opted to spend some of her birthday money on 'diamonds' to enhance her game experience. I think she spent roughly £100 in dribs and drabs, which I wasn't impressed about, but it is her money when all is said and done.
Last week she came to me and said her account had been 'hacked' and all her diamonds, special objects etc had been stolen. She was then shut out of her own account. It finally transpired that she'd given the girl in her class who she frequently argues with her log in details.
Ordinarily I wouldn't particularly care but this child has stolen the things she bought with her birthday money as well as all the credits she had accrued in game play.
The girls had a brief exchange on WhatsApp and the class friend admitted she had taken my daughters diamonds etc and then changed her password.
I'm pretty sure I can take back control of the account for her, but everything is now lost. Her friend meanwhile, has all of my daughters diamonds and credits.

I messaged the mother of the child in question and whilst the message was read, it was ignored. So I approached her in a polite and friendly way in the playground this afternoon. I was hoping that she'd be shocked at her daughter's behaviour and perhaps we'd get an apology at least. I do not want to be reimbursed for the lost money, and stated that from the start.
The mother's reaction was just to shrug and waffle about not getting involved. Am I right to be mildly pissed off, or ridiculous for making an issue of it to begin with?

@SoManyActivities I genuinely thought I was taking those steps, by keeping her near me on a PC, overseeing her conversations, limiting her time on my WhatsApp.

I can't control what another child/parent does. You're completely correct. But I wouldn't say a blowjob is 'hardcore'. I didn't see the image, but my daughter seemed completely unfazed by it and I took her lead. Maybe in hindsight that was a stupid thing to do, but I'm not convinced. I was more than happy with the way my daughter dealt with it and am confident from my reaction and our subsequent conversation that she'd just tell me if it ever happened again.

You’re just going to go round and round in circles, block porn kid and say no more Whatsapp for DD so she doesn’t have to deal with her? She may be relieved 😊

It’s a lesson learnt for your DD

Would post a message on any shared pupil WhatsApp group warning her friends not to give their password out to anybody as DD was conned out of £100. If the girls done this without regret to your DD, the kid will screw anyone over. No boundaries

@PlanetSlattern Yes, agreed. But the wank mags my dad had and that we found didn't have just tits and open legs shots. They were full on hardcore, three ways etc. This stuff isn't new?
Ugh, I almost sound like I'm defending porn now. I'm not. I just think you're very naive if you think mags of 'days yorn' weren't extremely graphic. Or that youngish children nowadays won't be exposed, just because their mum's WhatsApp's off limits. Better to address it head on and teach your children how to behave appropriately rather than pretend it's not getting through.

@PablosHoney

You’re just going to go round and round in circles, block porn kid and say no more Whatsapp for DD so she doesn’t have to deal with her? She may be relieved 😊

Yes, my head is spinning right now and it isn't the wine. Good idea, thank you.

I can't control what another child/parent does. You're completely correct. But I wouldn't say a blowjob is 'hardcore'. I didn't see the image, but my daughter seemed completely unfazed by it and I took her lead. Maybe in hindsight that was a stupid thing to do, but I'm not convinced. I was more than happy with the way my daughter dealt with it and am confident from my reaction and our subsequent conversation that she'd just tell me if it ever happened again.

But what I don't get is how you are comfortable with it happening again? Which, let's face it is highly likely given that you said the other mum doesn't give a shit and your DD is still in contact with this child? It's great that she told you, but it's not fair to put it on her that she might see it again, she is 9 years old?! You could have already taken steps to massively reduce the risk of it happening again?

No, a blowjob probably isn't technically considered 'hardcore', although it's totally inappropriate for a 9 year old to be exposed to. But what if next time it is something much more hard-core than a blow job? Or something really violent? And your DD sees it, when you could have prevented that from happening by simply not allowing her to use WhatsApp until she is older, or at the very least not allowing her to have contact with a child who has previously sent porn and who you know doesn't have any monitoring herself at home?

That's what I don't understand?

@SoManyActivities I get what you're saying. But my thinking is that if I'd reacted by banning contact, taking away my child's limited hard won freedoms (when it wasn't her fault) then in future she wouldn't approach me if she had any concerns.

Fair enough. I don't have any old mags to hand and probably am naive about what was available. I don't think you're defending porn.

As long as you think your daughter will talk to you if she sees something that makes her frightened, or sad, or uncomfortable, I suppose that's as much as any of us can do. Beyond policing what they have access to, of course, in so far as we are able.

I do agree with the PP who says they're worried about the other child. It does not sound like s/he is being protected and that makes me very concerned. I would be concerned about their ongoing exchanges with your child, accordingly. Very concerned.

[quote consideratealpaca]@SoManyActivities I get what you're saying. But my thinking is that if I'd reacted by banning contact, taking away my child's limited hard won freedoms (when it wasn't her fault) then in future she wouldn't approach me if she had any concerns.[/quote]
Yes, it's true. In online safeguarding training they always say that parents need to be careful with threatening to take stuff away because there is a risk that the child won't tell them next time because they don't want to lose their access and devices.

But there is probably a line to be trodden here. I think the chance of something else being sent to her is just too high if she remains in contact with this other child and that contact needs to be stopped. And have a conversation about why etc.

I don't know if you have heard of Stars but it is like WhatsApp for kids - you don't need a phone number so she can use it on her own tablet if she has one, and obviously you can still monitor it. And because it's for kids it's more regulated etc.

goodkidsclothes.com/review-stars-private-family-messaging/

My son isn't that into messaging (he would rather just play Minecraft or Fifa!) but he did use Stars a little bit during lockdown and it seemed alright!

£100 at nine years old? 😮. Maybe middlemof a.pandic is a good time to teach her to save, not gamble.

Sorry - maybe middle of a pandemic

@CokeyCola the DD had £400. She spent £100 over the course of several months buying things for her game. She's not exactly throwing money around or gambling.

@CokeyCola

£100 at nine years old? 😮. Maybe middlemof a.pandic is a good time to teach her to save, not gamble.

Where is she gambling? Or are you just reading other shitty posts and thought you'd jump on?

Did you save during this pandemic? I dont think most of the country did given all the Parcel carriers were swamped

@CokeyCola you sound ridiculous and judgemental

Cokey if a child has less than 3 quid a week pocket money and chooses to spend it on football cards or Shopkins or the Beano comic. Is that as unbelievably shocking?
What is on your approved list for children to spend their pocket/birthday money?
I assume you haven't read the full thread. It was spent over NINE months (which is less than 3 quid a week).

I get what you're saying. But my thinking is that if I'd reacted by banning contact, taking away my child's limited hard won freedoms (when it wasn't her fault) then in future she wouldn't approach me if she had any concerns.

OP I completely get what you're saying about keeping a level of trust, freedom and independence between you and your daughter. But there still needs to be a way you can set boundaries if you want to. Just make it about you, or problem solve with her.

Eg "I'm not comfortable that your friend is using my WhatsApp to send you pictures like that. I'm concerned that she might send something really nasty if she keeps messaging you. I feel like I made a mistake allowing that to happen. What could we do to make sure you don't get any more messages like that?" Or whatever. Then come up with some options together and choose one you are both ok with.

I still remember my mum's eye rolling as she helplessly watched 7year old me spend all my pocket money on Bay City Rollers trading cards every single week! I bought them, glanced at them, then chewed joylessly through the plastic gum which came free, yes free, in every pack, before slinging them into a drawer. I never bothered to trade them. Months and months of money. Probably the equivalent of, um, let me see, a £100 in today's money.

Mine was trying to collect all the Tiny Terrapins from Kinder eggs.

Reader: I didn't get them all. 30 years on I'm still pissed and would start buying them again in a heartbeat if Kinder brought those little beauties back!

According to MN I must have been a hardcore gambler. After all, I was regularly spending real money on nothing useful, hoping to get certain toy.

It was Annie (film), Care Bears and Garfield Panini stickers for me.
At school the boys (mostly boys) it was the football stickers. Oh those massive piles of swaps they had. Got Got Got Ooh Need.
Some of those boys still get the new sticker book every year - even though they are now age 45

I can't get over the fact she got £400 for her birthday - at 9 years old!!!

£400 could depend on how many relatives she has. Gift threads on Mumsnet seem to think spending £50 on gifts for child relatives (nieces/nephews etc) is quite normal. So all she needs is 2 sets of grandparents and 4 aunties/uncles giving £50 each that's 300 quid. Add in £100 from parents and that's the 400.
I know of parents who spend crazy amounts off money on hiring a hall for a massive party, plus the food, gifts for prizes. Plus buying their kid actual presents.
Or they say they don't want their child to have more 'stuff' so they do an 'experience' of Alton Towers or a theatre trip. That's not cheap. A few £100s at least.
For many children the amount spent on gifts/party/day out etc from all family members and friends will probably add up to more than £400.
This child likes gaming. So why shouldn't her gifts be for that?
My daughter likes gaming but she prefers Nintendo games. So we buy actual physical products of the games as do the relatives - or they give money to "spend in CEX".

@bookmum08

I also think several folks on here should add up all the random bits and bobs you have bought your child or they have bought with pocket/birthday money over the last 9 months. You know the packet of football cards here, the comic there. Some pens from Poundland, Lego Minifigs, LoL Dolls, Hotwheel cars, stickers. All those little things... I bet most of you have spent more than £100 over those 9 months. Glad you have got it sorted OP.

No, never bought that kind of thing. My child wasn't interested but also I didn't have the money. He is now a teen and a PC gamer and still doesn't spend money like that on bits and bobs. He watches videos of games he is interested in then when he is sure he wants it he will buy the game and play it for months. He usually waits for the discounts too, rarely pays full price. Once he buys a game he owns it, he doesn't have to keep throwing money at it.

Oh, and we are certainly not middle class, as someone upthread mentioned.

whirlwind your child has never bought/been bought a comic, packet of crayons or a small Lego set in his life? Really? I am curious. What did he do/play with when he was 9?