To think my DH is an utter cock?

[MonkeyPantaloons]

I'm currently on maternity leave with a five month old. I've not found motherhood easy, although my son was very wanted, and I'm lonely and miserable. It doesn't really help that DS wakes every couple of hours all night still. He'll throw a night or two of sleeping better every now and then so I have a little hope but then revert back to form.

I'm thinking about going back to work either three or four days a week as I think it would help me feel more like myself. This involves looking at nurseries. DH has informed me he's not keen because he doesn't think I should just give up and give DS to someone else to parent.

He's an absolute tool, isn't he?

Hah! Yes. Yes he is. If he’s so keen to look after a non-sleeping 5 month old, he can quit his job and do it.

Tell him that you absolutely agree that there’s merit in a baby being looked after at home by a parent and so he can hand in his notice and you’ll go back to work full time.

He is a giant idiot. I can't bear the stupidity of believing childcare like this is calming the DC off or letting someone else parenting. It is always said either by someone who doesn't have to do the majority of the parenting alone or by someone whose entire identity is wrapped up in their DC (which results in fireworks and explosions when their DC dare to grow up).

Get him to take a weeks annual leave and do all of it and then see how he feels about it (probably not a practical suggestion but you get my point)

He is a tool

He's a dick to say this. What were your plans for returning to work and childcare before you had the baby? How much does he do re childcare?

What has he offered as an alternative then? Did he offer to go part time to cover the days you’ll be working? Or to do the night shifts to give you a break?

He is being a massive Pillock and not thinking with his head.

If he does have concerns about young baby in a nursery setting, is he able and willing to stop work and you go full time?

You will need to have a calm conversation about it, parenting is supposed to be 50:50 - but early years feels more like 120:10.

Yes, he's a complete cock.
On the other hand, how about part-time work just to ease you back into the work place? Something at evenings or weekends. Then he gets to look after DS himself. On his own.

Go back to work.
I can't tell you how much of a better parent I am for having time to myself and feeling like more than just a mum.

YANBU. My mum was advised to go back to work for the good of her mental health by the doctor when she had my oldest sister, and that was over 60 years ago! Even back then, he believed that a happy, relaxed mother was more important to baby than one feeling lonely, isolated and cut off from adult companionship.

What were your plans before? Returning to work but later or being a SAHM? Based on what you've said about your husband I'd be cautious about returning earlier than planned and thinking it will make things easier: being in work with a child who wakes every two hours is torture, and there's the added hassle of getting them out the door. I do think going back to work is a good idea at some point but I'm not sure returning early will solve the problems you have right now.

We did six weeks shared parental leave, DH took on full responsibility for nights in that time and we managed to night wean her though she still wasn't a great sleeper. Could you look into that as a possibility? Not just because it gets around his argument or as some kind of gotcha but it sounds like he doesn't understand the pressure you're under and it would be a great and sensible way to help him take on a fairer division of the workload for when you're both back working, and give the baby more 'parent' time if that's what he's concerned about.

Sleep patterns change a lot at this age, though, and five months is very young: if you don't need to return now financially and weren't planning to originally maybe there are other supports you could put in place to give yourself a bit more time.

“No problem DH, we’ll both go part time then; which days do you want to work and which days shall I work so that we split childcare between us?”

Of course he’s a tool. Tell him you’ve given it some thought. You’re definitely going back to work, but he’ll need to give notice, because you don’t think HE should just give up and give DS to someone else to parent. Though that’s not right either, because he’s wrong and nursery isn’t someone else parenting; that’s codswallop.

Also, approx. how much time does he spend parenting solo right now? Take DS so you can go out and do a hobby for an hour? Let you go out for a Saturday (if you want)? Or is he just leaving all the parenting to someone else already, and that someone is you.

Do not enable a sexist pig like this by going part-time, reducing hours or
compromising your career or your earning potential in any way. Tell him your son will be going to nursery, you're going back to work FT and so it needs to be discussed about paying for fees, pick ups and drop offs, sick days, etc. 50:50.

Have you considered you might be a bit depressed OP?
It sounds like you need more support and probably a bit of time to yourself/not being with the baby 24/7 so I don't think going back to work would be such a terrible idea.
What's his suggestion if not to go back to work? Does he understand how hard you're finding things?

He sounds like a dick, yes. It's odd to me that you're only now having this conversation though. Did you not make plans about how you were planning to raise the child before you had him?!

Well in that case you're in perfect position to curtail your maternity leave so that he can take shared parental leave.

Tell him not to be daft. Other people will be looking after your DC on and off throughout their lifetime, and you have your own life to live as well.

Time for him to take the grown-up pill I'm afraid.

Yeah. I'd put it to him that maybe if he is concerned he could review his work commitment.

He sounds like a bit of a tool.

Having a baby during lockdown must have been horribly stressful for you.

I can understand you wanting to work.

The obvious solution is of course that you return to paid work and he does the work of caring for your child at home, then. I wonder why he hasn't suggested that.

Does having a different opinion make someone a cock?

@ItsGoingTibiaK

Does having a different opinion make someone a cock?

No but implying you are checking out / giving up on parenting because you want to go back to work does.

Great so he will absolutely no problem in going part time to facilitate both you working your son not being 'parented' by a stranger.

Seriously what a dick, did he offer any practical solutions or just decide it's your job to stay at home to raise your child?

@ItsGoingTibiaK

Does having a different opinion make someone a cock?

When they're not offering a solution that impacts them in any way, yes.

At what age does this 'someone else parenting your DC' end for him?

Is sending them to school out? Having before/after school clubs? Playgroup?

Or does he expect you to stay at home for the rest of your life (or until your DC leaves home) so that nobody else has to 'parent' your DC?

Right so motherhood is entirely your responsibility then and he does not parent at all. Why can't he go part time and look after your baby on the days that you are at work?
It gives me the rage when fathers let their wives have ALL the responsibility for the children and makes me wonder if they are still living in the Victorian era.
Your job is important to you, he ought to be stepping up to help not abdicating all responsibility for his child.
I'd do what you want, he doesn't get to dictate what you do.