Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is an utter cock?

106 replies

MonkeyPantaloons · 09/09/2020 10:04

I'm currently on maternity leave with a five month old. I've not found motherhood easy, although my son was very wanted, and I'm lonely and miserable. It doesn't really help that DS wakes every couple of hours all night still. He'll throw a night or two of sleeping better every now and then so I have a little hope but then revert back to form.

I'm thinking about going back to work either three or four days a week as I think it would help me feel more like myself. This involves looking at nurseries. DH has informed me he's not keen because he doesn't think I should just give up and give DS to someone else to parent.

He's an absolute tool, isn't he?

OP posts:
SantaIsReal · 09/09/2020 12:10

YANBU!
Out of curiosity what does he do?
I went back to work when both kids where around 6 months old. As much as I love my children, work allows me to be me and not mum/wife constantly plus I can get a cup of tea and lunch in peace!
Motherhood can be such a lonely time and you do get lost in being a mum. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel like just a person for a while!
Both my kids have flourished in nursery too and love the social aspect of being there Smile

Brown76 · 09/09/2020 12:11

I don’t think it’s unreasonable if plan A was, say, a year off with your baby being cared for by you for your partner to say that he still thinks that is better for the baby. If you want to change the plan to a shared parental leave or nursery, or to get him to share the night time parenting more then that’s totally reasonable of you, but I voted YABU because your partner should be consulted about this decision.

ProfessorPootle · 09/09/2020 12:12

If he believes a parent must look after your dc then he should also step up, as co-parent and father of dc. He must take his paternity leave, lots of firms are flexible and allow a few days a week rather than a block of time off. He absolutely should use what he is entitled to. Once he’s done his paternity leave with dc he’ll be in a better position to have an opinion about nursery. My dc loved nursery, there are fantastic places, he needs to visit some once he’s had experience of caring for a baby at home all day on his own.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 09/09/2020 12:12

Ah, that’s brilliant news. He doesn’t believe in palming the dc off, so will be stopping doing it immediately and giving in his notice. Means you’ll be able to go back back and not bother looking for nurseries!

SunshineCake · 09/09/2020 12:14

What will you do when he refuses to take on what he thinks is women's work and won't go part time or give up work to look after the child he wanted?

billy1966 · 09/09/2020 12:15

So he's making aspersions on your parenting while refusing to be a part of it and expecting an elderly woman to step in.

What a prick.
And you married him.

Get your contraception sorted...mind you how you would find him attractive after this I don't know🙄🤮

TempestHayes · 09/09/2020 12:16

Unfortunately many men do this. They insist that they will, of course, be staying in work and that you will become "the mother", you will not be permitted to "shirk responsibility" or "have someone else raise our child" and you'll be brow-beaten into giving up work and putting your home and financial security in the hands of someone who, well, has dangerously 'traditional' views and can now withhold money, food and shelter on a whim if he wishes.

It's how women get trapped.

Melamine · 09/09/2020 12:20

I went back to work part time when mine was 6 months and OH took just over a month off parental leave. He literally couldn’t wait to have a month off work (despite the task of looking after a baby) as the chance to do this is extremely limited as an adult! Baby then went into part time childcare when a tiny bit older. What are his reasons for not wanting to? If he won’t even consider it, why should you consider his feelings on childcare?

LunaLoveFood · 09/09/2020 12:22

Absolutely! I had 6 months with dc1 and 5 months maternity with dc2. I needed to go back to work for my own mental health. I was so much more happy when I went back which meant I spent so much more positive time with DC and coped so much better!
If you DH doesn't like it maybe he should take the time of and take over and see how he finds it!

aprilanne · 09/09/2020 12:30

Well he does gave a point like it or not going back to work full time means someone else is doing the majority of the parenting during the week .if its partime not so much .but it's a bit unfair to make you feel bad if going back will make you feel better but working and a baby who never sleeps will be knackering .and calling him a cock is a bit mean like it or not we are conditioned to think the mother does most of the childcare .my husband mid 50 s still has this attitude. Son does my youngest son still single I wonder why

BiddyPop · 09/09/2020 12:31

Well I was back at work FT when DD was 5 months old (she's now 14) and it was absolutely NOT about "getting someone else to parent her" - my mat leave was finished (I took an extra month unpaid) and I needed to go back.

DD is a lovely, well mannered (when not cursing in hormonal surges), and well rounded DC who is doing very well at school, is very active in sport and has a lovely bunch of friends in various different groups both in and outside of school. And it was lovely to get her back at the end of the day, but also having had time for me to be ME back in the office rather than just "mammy" ("and what does Mum think?" being the question in any and all contexts - never "what do you think" or "well Biddypop, what do you think" - it was literally that you were "mammy" and had no identity beyond that anymore, or right to think/do anything beyond feed/change/wash and entertain this scrap of humanity - you were no longer a human in your own right).

He could always take some parental leave while you are at work and do the caring himself if he is so concerned. After all, DC is 50% his responsibility for creation, so should be at least 50% his responsibility for caring and nurturing as well!!

TinySleepThief · 09/09/2020 12:34

my husband mid 50 s still has this attitude. Son does my youngest son still single I wonder why

I'm amazed anyone still thinks like this. I would honestly feel like I'd failed as a parent if my son grew up and thought raising his child was the sole responsibility of his wife.

DimidDavilby · 09/09/2020 12:35

Wanker of the first order. Is he helpful when he's at home so that you can get a break? I'm guessing no.

Di11y · 09/09/2020 12:38

Shared parental leave or nursery sounds like his options.

Although working with broken sleep at night doesn't sound like a solution.

SueEllenMishke · 09/09/2020 12:40

like it or not we are conditioned to think the mother does most of the childcare .my husband mid 50 s still has this attitude. Son does my youngest son still single I wonder why

While societal expectations absolutely play a part most intelligent adults can understand that this is not a helpful attitude to have and will therefore address their unconscious biases.
My husband is 50 and we have a 5 year old - he does not think like this and we are raising our son to not think like this too.

OhCaptain · 09/09/2020 12:42

@aprilanne

Well he does gave a point like it or not going back to work full time means someone else is doing the majority of the parenting during the week .if its partime not so much .but it's a bit unfair to make you feel bad if going back will make you feel better but working and a baby who never sleeps will be knackering .and calling him a cock is a bit mean like it or not we are conditioned to think the mother does most of the childcare .my husband mid 50 s still has this attitude. Son does my youngest son still single I wonder why
I think you’ve been unlucky with your husband, then. And haven’t instilled the values in your son necessary not to be a complete twat.

My DH is 50 and absolutely does not think this. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Myfirstcarwasamini · 09/09/2020 12:51

That was a stupid thing to say but rather than focus on that right now, really think about going to back to work if that's an option for you. I went back to work when my DS was 5 months old. I didn't have a choice, I had to and would have liked to have been at home with him. However, on reflection I'm so glad I did. I found an amazing nursery and I went back 3 days a week. Although it was hard at first (he was still waking up at 4.30am for a feed and was not sleeping through the night) it did get easier. The independence it gave me was essential as eventually I separated from my DH as he was such a dickhead. Being able to be financially independent gave me the scope to be able to do that. My DS loved nursery. We made great friends there that we still see now. The staff were a great support through all the different stages till he left to start school. Think about what you want to do and what you need to be able to get to the point where you are enjoying things more. I know that I spent way too much time worrying about what my ex thought. He had no clue as he was so disengaged from us anyway. Hopefully your DH isn't and he has had a moment of saying and thinking something somewhat naive because he hasn't spent enough time by himself looking after his DS? We don't know, what we don't know so perhaps he needs to do that. Good luck with whatever you do but most of all put your needs first. I found that doing that enabled me to be the best mum I could be. I couldn't be prouder of my DS, he is now a very independently successful 19 year old and I know it was me who parented him with help from those that I really trusted. Remember the saying it takes a village to bring up a child. Nowadays we need to remind ourselves that we have to make our village if we don't have family close by and this includes the care that is available before the school chapters begin.

RedRumTheHorse · 09/09/2020 12:52

@aprilanne no he doesn't have a point if he refuses to take shared parental leave.

He needs to look after his baby child on his own for a bit.

IncrediblySadToo · 09/09/2020 12:56

DH has informed me he's not keen because he doesn't think I should just give up and give DS to someone else to parent.

Oh come on, he's not a tool!

He's the whole fucking toolbox!!!

I do, personally believe, babies are better off being cared for by their parents or at least In Conjunction with a home based primary carer so grandparent or nanny) rather than at a nursery. Plenty of people think otherwise, or have no option.

However, it does not have to be the female parent. If HE doesn't want DS to go into nursery, then HE needs to work with you to come up with an alternative - it's not enough to say he's not keen and expect you to carry on looking after DS when you want to go back to work!

Maybe there's a compromise to be had with days/hours you can both do and your mum doing 1-2 days. My 92 year old Aunt still looks after her 2 yo Grandaughter. (Has had all the others too) she no longer feels confident taking her out, but they have lovely days at home & in the garden doing all kinds of things! My Mum is 78 she frequently has my brothers kids (overseas) the kids are 4/7/10. She runs around with them, takes them all over & they have a great time. She's shattered the next day, but lives it. You might be underestimating your Mum & she might be gutted not to be given the opportunity.

After a while, if it gets too much for your mum, DH might not mind the idea of nursery quite so much.

But he was wrong to say that YOU would be handing her over to be parented by someone else. That's TOOL
TALK for sure!

How much if the night waking is Captain Fantastic doing? If he's not doing at least Fri/Sat nights get him on it & if DS is EBF he can still get him, take him back to his cot & change him etc. You might not find that 'necessary' but he needs to start to feel some of the parenting load!! and if he's not driving for/to work I wouldn't restrict it to just Fri/Sat either!!!

LannieDuck · 09/09/2020 13:18

Does he believe that kids need to be looked after by a parent strongly enough to give up his job to look after his kid?

I suspect he believes it just enough to think that you should give up your job for his belief, but not enough that he should.

...which tells you all you need to know, really.

He has two options: he looks after his child, or nursery does. You can have a conversation about which option you (as a couple) prefer, but imposing on your Mum / you not going back to work are not options on the table.

Monkeynuts18 · 09/09/2020 13:27

Others have pointed this out and I know you’ve said you discussed this before the baby arrived and he didn’t want to (funny that)... but this is the perfect situation for shared parental leave.

The only thing I would say is that combining work and motherhood is quite hard, especially if you don’t have great support. It’s not necessarily easier than being on maternity leave. BUT you should do what feels right for you.

Also, it is 100% normal for your baby not to be sleeping through yet. I found 4-6 months really hard. It got easier after 6 months.

justasking111 · 09/09/2020 13:36

In normal times you would be attending play group, different classes meeting other mums. I see how hard it is for you now. Your OH is being an idiot, but going back to work if this helps then do it.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 09/09/2020 13:39

Ask him how come he is happy for someone else to parent his child (you). And tell him he is welcome to give up work on the days you were planning to go to work.

Babyg1995 · 09/09/2020 13:42

Yanbu I'm going back to work next month 4 months early because of the same reasons dp is supporting me do that .

Heffalooomia · 09/09/2020 13:52

Absolute tool
No he's not a fool he's being very strategic, he's making sure that he stays in the position of power and control so that everything goes his way
He doesn't see you as an equal partner, he sees you as someone who works for him