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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is an utter cock?

106 replies

MonkeyPantaloons · 09/09/2020 10:04

I'm currently on maternity leave with a five month old. I've not found motherhood easy, although my son was very wanted, and I'm lonely and miserable. It doesn't really help that DS wakes every couple of hours all night still. He'll throw a night or two of sleeping better every now and then so I have a little hope but then revert back to form.

I'm thinking about going back to work either three or four days a week as I think it would help me feel more like myself. This involves looking at nurseries. DH has informed me he's not keen because he doesn't think I should just give up and give DS to someone else to parent.

He's an absolute tool, isn't he?

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 09/09/2020 11:22

Is he going to use this as an excuse not to pay his share of childcare when you return to work?

Ihaveoflate · 09/09/2020 11:23

I can think of stronger words to call him, but my post will probably be removed!

FWIW I went back p/t after 3 months and couldn't have stayed at home a minute longer. We did shared parental leave, so DH did the next 3 months before she went to nursery. Nothing can truly make a person understand the challenges of looking after a small baby all day doing until they experience it for themselves.

Now we are both very much equal parents (both work p/t and share childcare) and it's a proper partnership. I don't think it would have been like that without the shared leave.

pooopypants · 09/09/2020 11:24

Are you only having this conversation now? Was there a plan made before your child was born?

InescapableDeath · 09/09/2020 11:24

Parenting a baby is much harder (at least lonelier) during Covid let alone the regular struggles involved. He should listen to you, OP.

caringcarer · 09/09/2020 11:25

Babies are not harmed by going to nursery. I wish everyone understood that outdated information given out by Bowlby after World War 2 so that working mothers gave up their jobs so men returning from the war could have them. There are lots of benefits to children attending nursery as they have lots of stimulus, other babies to socialise with and learn from and they still form strong bonds with their parents. Your dh is way out of date and needs to learn he can parent too. Get him to take a few days annual leave and look after baby while you go away for a couple of days. He will soon know why you need to work. Also if you go back to work he will need to help with drop offs and pick ups too because the baby is half his so half responsibility for its care is his too. Don't let him put you at risk of PND because of losing your identity. I hope he gets up with baby sometimes in the night too.

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 09/09/2020 11:25

YANBU

HoppingPavlova · 09/09/2020 11:26

Does having a different opinion make someone a cock?

In this case, yes. If he had of suggested himself also going part time so he could proudly parent on the other days so it would all be covered then he would not be a cock but alas.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2020 11:26

I assume then he thinks your child needs to be home schooled op? Because if they are at school someone else is parenting them? And that he’s willing to step in himself?

BF2748 · 09/09/2020 11:30

Yes he is!! Plan a day at the weekend where he looks after the baby and you have a well deserved time out.

SueEllenMishke · 09/09/2020 11:32

Yes he is.

If you want to go back to work then go back to work. The right nursery can be wonderful for children. I also found maternity leave lonely so i know exactly how you feel.

Ploughingthrough · 09/09/2020 11:36

By assuming that you will sacrifice your career because he doesn't believe in nursery, he is indeed being a cock. If he feels so strongly he could stay at home and you can work full time....
Sorry you're feeling low op, I never much enjoyed mat leave when mine were little babies and was happy to skip back to work when they were 8 months or so. I adore parenting them now they're a little bit older but mat leave isn't the best bit. Go to work, ask your DH how he's going to help you facilitate that.

2bazookas · 09/09/2020 11:38

That's fine, he can take some paternity leave; or rearrange his working days so that he can do some solo parenting. Or maybe you can work at weekends while he parents.

lborgia · 09/09/2020 11:41

I think you’ll find that’s a yes, then, OP?

HelloSunshine11 · 09/09/2020 11:42

If it helps at all, my DS was similar and I absolutely HATED the baby days. I went back to work freelance when he was 6 months old and it helped so much, I felt like I got a bit of myself back. It's a hard juggle when you're sleep deprived, but for me it was worth it.

Good luck to you.

fedupandlookingforchange · 09/09/2020 11:43

I know couples who both work 4 days a week so the child does 3 days in nursery (money saving reasons usually) suggest that to him.

billy1966 · 09/09/2020 11:45

What a nasty unsupportive thing to say.

Doesn't sound as if it's in isolation.

Has he contributed to your loneliness, isolation and tiredness.

For goodness sake sort your contraception out.

Twats like him only get worse.

Keep your financial independence OPFlowers

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/09/2020 11:46

Giving up!? How rude. What's he doing to support you? If he has such strong feelings about it then what's he suggested to achieve this? He only needs 8 weeks notice I think to share parental leave so I suggest he informs his work he will be on paternity leave asap

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/09/2020 11:48

I went back to work 3 days a week when my first was a baby. He had an ace childminder, and i managed to drink hot cups if tea 3 days a week.

Your husband can have an opinion, but its obviously wrong.

Original poster
MonkeyPantaloons · 09/09/2020 11:55

It's good to hear others agree - thank you!

I suggested shared parental leave before baby arrived but DH wasn't up for it. I'll revisit the idea now though.

And in answer the question of whether we discussed this - yes, but apparently he assumed I'd change my mind and get my mum to watch DS. But I'm not asking a woman in her 70s to do this.

OP posts:
Multiplying2020 · 09/09/2020 11:56

Yup!

HorridHamble · 09/09/2020 11:56

Yes. He is a complete and utter cock. I went back to work after 9 months both times. I started off on 2 days a week, then increased my hours as my DC started school. It was a perfect balance for me. It gave me time to be an adult, engage my brain in a different way to home, and feel like myself again. I questioned my decision at the start, as I missed my DC so much and found it hard not to wonder what they were doing and if they were missing me too. It was soon evident that they were happy, safe and secure with their childminder. It was also clear that I needed work to

My exDP had discouraged me from returning to work. I am very glad I did go back, otherwise I’d have struggled to find a similar job I enjoy in my sector.

Going back to work was absolutely the right decision for me and my DC.

HandfulofDust · 09/09/2020 11:58

I think it's a valid opinion to not want your child in nursery too young (just as it's valid to think it's fine to be in nursery). It is not OK to just expect the other parent to take the hit though. If he wants to take leave to look after DS then by all means but he can't insist you do.

TinySleepThief · 09/09/2020 12:01

but apparently he assumed I'd change my mind and get my mum to watch DS

So he sees looking after a baby as a women's job then?

If he didn't he wouldn't think a 70 year old looking after a child who is already or very soon will be mobile more reasonable than taking shared leave.

Eddielzzard · 09/09/2020 12:04

After that enlightening comment into how he really thinks, it's imperative you get back to work. And asking him when he's going to step up to actually being a parent. I don't know him and my blood is boiling.

SueEllenMishke · 09/09/2020 12:08

but apparently he assumed I'd change my mind and get my mum to watch DS

This tells you all you need to know........

Outrageous