Husband's down time

[Pondlife87]

We have a 16 month old daughter who is a terrible sleeper.
Both my husband and I work. He does 5 days a week and I do 3.
We did split maternity. When i was off i did all the night wakings. When he was off we shared it as past 3am she will not settle without feeding (she is breastfed).

Now we are both back at work he does the first shift (10.30-2.30) and i do the second shift (2.30-7) of her waking. She tends to end up in bed with us from about 4 as otherwise I'm up every 30 minutes settling her. We've tried having her in bed with us all night, but she just wants to feed constantly if I'm near her and won't accept Dad.

So- i get to my point. Dad has always been a night owl and stays in his workhouse every Friday until 3am doing projects. This means we have to swap the shifts. This means I am up between 10.30-3 resettling her. Then when he comes to bed, because she needs to feed I am awake hourly resetting her and she will only accept me. Then because he has been up until 3am he gets the lie in. I get the lie in the following day.
I have expressed i am unhappy about it as I get next to no sleep all Friday night because i essentially do both shifts. He argues that lots of men/ women go out every weekend.
However i do not think it is ok to go out every weekend until 3am if you have a child, so i don't see why this is different?
I've suggested he can go out but take the baby monitor to do thr first shift and he said no. I suggest he go out and come in earlier at say 12/1 and he said no.
Am i being unreasonable with my requests?
Is there a middle ground? Can you offer any otjer solutions?
Please note this is not a request for advice to help baby sleep better. I've tried everything haha.

Be good if the husband wasn’t so selfish though.

Op, has your husband tried to talk to you about night feeding? You’ve clearly had previous discussions because you immediately started with you didn’t want comments on the feeding and then proceeded to get angry and sneery when you did.

Has he been trying to tell you the same as everyone else on here has been telling you? Have other people, friends and family?

@DalzielandPaxo

The OP and a couple posters in her ‘tribe’ are extremely defensive about their methods, while at the same time using elitist language about it and their ‘highly intelligent’ children, insinuating that anyone who doesn’t use their methods is following a disproven archaic method and raising plebs.

Total fabrication. I mentioned my daughter was intelligent because so many posters were implying the OP's child's sleep patterns would be damaging her developmentally (which is a horrible thing to imply). I was offering a counter to that - child slept like shit but is absolutely fine and more than meeting her milestones. In no way was that suggesting other people's kids raised differently were 'plebs'! Jesus. Who would talk that way about a child??

@Pumperthepumper

Be good if the husband wasn’t so selfish though.

I don’t think the husband is being selfish. He works 5 days to her 3, or almost twice as much as she does and he only wants one lie in a week, the same as she has. I think OP is more selfish of the two. Plus the extra two days she isn’t working, what’s to stop her taking a nap when the child naps? Nothing. She should do that to catch up on sleep it’s a luxury that only mothers of singletons have. Once you have a newborn and a 18mo old, it’s another level.

Bluntness is not remotely 'spot on', Bluntness is full of patronising bollocks. She is utterly sumrmising the OP's feelings and insisting that the OP is relying on 'research not instinct', when the research the OP is referring to is all about following our own instincts and our babies'. Who on earth has the parenting instinct to deny their child comfort in order to bully them into being 'easier'?

@Bluntness100

Has he been trying to tell you the same as everyone else on here has been telling you? Have other people, friends and family?

OP has already said her husband is on board with the approach they are taking. What 'friends and family' say means bugger all as, as one can see from this thread, everyone has an opinion about how people ought to raise children (mostly erring on the 'whip them into line' approach). Stop completely inventing things to support your made-up version of what's going on here.

URGH CAN PEOPLE STOP TELLING HER NOT TO FEED HER BABY OVERNIGHT!!! so bloody condescending and unhelpful. She has specifically said she wants to keep going. Good for her! The problem is her DH, not her feeding. Both of them are happy with the feeding and have a shift plan. Issue is he is shirking!

OP your husband is out of order. I'm sorry for you.

Honestly Bluntness's last post makes me think of the bit in Peep Show where Sophie has broken up with Jeff because he's a bit of a knob, and Mark is saying "does he hit you?" and she says "NO!", and he says "but he does beat you though, I mean... mentally? And with his hands and with his fists?" It's completely absurd.

I don’t think the husband is being selfish. He works 5 days to her 3, or almost twice as much as she does and he only wants one lie in a week, the same as she has. I think OP is more selfish of the two. Plus the extra two days she isn’t working, what’s to stop her taking a nap when the child naps? Nothing. She should do that to catch up on sleep it’s a luxury that only mothers of singletons have. Once you have a newborn and a 18mo old, it’s another level.

I think the husband is being incredibly selfish. He does zero days childcare to her two, which is infinitely less than she does, and still wants to stay up until 3am playing his game, while his partner does the full night’s work. There’s plenty to stop her sleeping when her child sleeps - humans aren’t just robots, you can’t just flip a switch and be asleep when the time presents itself.

But I get it, the bar for fathers is just so low on Mumsnet these days, I can see how you would think that doing the absolute minimum for your own kid equals Great Dad.

Similarly, following your baby’s cues equals shit, lazy, selfish mother because it interferes with the father’s hobby and/or lie in.

Ooh seem to have been a bit contentious for some.😂

The husband isn’t on board. If he was he’d not be in his shed refusing to do his share.

Well then he needs to say so to the OP doesn't he? Not just load work on her while continuing to reap the benefits of attachment parenting. He needs to tell her he no longer believes in their approach and say what he wants them to do instead, not say the approach is great but he wants to do less of the actual work than she does. Or is she meant to infer his desires from his behaviour rather than him being s grown up and owning his views?

What's his reason for not having the baby monitor in the shed with him during his hobby?

YABU, let him have his night off and a lie in.

@LonelyFromCorona fine so long as OP gets one too

Something needs to chance. And id say it is probably you Yes of course the woman needs to change. Not the man though, heaven forbid.

If the husband wants the child's sleeping habits to change he needs to do 50% of the work and effort required to do so.

I Am really struggling to see the benefit in any of this. If OP wants s the benefits of attachment parenting and EBF then surely putting the child in the family bed with access to her is the only way to do it?

Am I missing something?

The husband isn’t on board. If he was he’d not be in his shed refusing to do his share. Well then he needs to express that with his words like an adult rather than neglecting his child.

Isn't it funny how men can just fuck off and opt out of parenting like this man. But women can't. If she was hiding in the shed refusing to do her fair share of parenting the child they both created there would be uproar.

Women are expected to be so grateful for any scraps of "help" their partners decide to give. And many women push that belief. It's pathetic.

Or is she meant to infer his desires from his behaviour rather than him being s grown up and owning his views? Don't be silly @VeniceQueen2004 She's supposed to say nothing and run herself into the ground with a smile on her face! She can't possibly expect to have an equal discussion.

PlanDeRaccordement
I don’t think the husband is being selfish. He works 5 days to her 3, or almost twice as much as she does and he only wants one lie in a week, the same as she has. I think OP is more selfish of the two. Plus the extra two days she isn’t working, what’s to stop her taking a nap when the child naps? Nothing. She should do that to catch up on sleep it’s a luxury that only mothers of singletons have. Once you have a newborn and a 18mo old, it’s another level.

Don't know why quote isn't working for me.

She is working those days, she's looking after a child.
Obviously it depends on the job but DH and I both agreed a day at work was a holiday compared to looking after a toddler.

Not everyone can nap in the day. I struggle to.

She is absolutely not the more selfish of the 2. Baffling how you can come to that conclusion of someone dealing with a frequently waking child and hardly any down time vs someone who is staying up half the night doing a hobby.

If OP wants

It’s not just the OP that ‘wants’ the benefits of attachment parenting - they both agreed that’s what they would do.

So many people believe men are so passive about their own children, it’s really strange.

You H is being totally unfair.

SURELY it makes sense that the person who is still awake does the settling?! Where is the sense in you both being awake?

You should not have agreed to swap that shift with him when you both know that there is no way he can do the 2nd shift since your daughter won't settle for anyone but you during that time. I'd be discussing that with him ASAP.

I'd also be questioning why he needs to do his hobby during those specific hours of the night, rather than taking some time out during the afternoon or evening. He's insisting on doing it at a time that massively impacts you rather than adjusting his own schedule so he's harming no one.

I think OP is more selfish of the two. Plus the extra two days she isn’t working, what’s to stop her taking a nap when the child naps? Nothing. She should do that to catch up on sleep it’s a luxury that only mothers of singletons have.

But being able to get a nap in on, say, Tuesday when she's not working (even though OP has already said her baby naps for max 30 mins) doesn't make up for the fact that on Fridays she is literally up ALL NIGHT, covering both shifts.

OP - Alternatively I'd be making sure you're disturbing your husband during what should be HIS shift. Feed your daughter and then hand her to him to look after.

Well then he needs to say so to the OP doesn't he? Not just load work on her while continuing to reap the benefits of attachment parenting. He needs to tell her he no longer believes in their approach and say what he wants them to do instead, not say the approach is great but he wants to do less of the actual work than she does.

This is bang on. He wants his baby to benefit from the approach they've chosen but also wants time for himself that this approach doesn't afford him.

Although again, all it would take would be for him to move his 'down time' hours to another part of the day and all would be well. Why can't he work in his shed or whatever on Saturday morning instead?

I don't know how to help you if you won't help yourself OP.
I did extended breastfeeding, my DD was ebf until 6 mos, then baby led weaning, and I breastfed her until she self weaned at 2 years and 8 months. It was all very gentle and child-led.
But we night weaned at 11 months because I was going back to work, and it helped her tremendously. No crying or being left to cry.. v v gentle night weaning with loads of cuddles and just no breastmilk after bedtime until the morning. She was trained within days and consolidating her sleep coincided with dramatic leaps in her language and development. I think children over the age of 1 need that long continuous sleep to learn better, and having happy parents who are in a loving relationship is a MUCH bigger predictor of children's happiness than breastfeeding through the night.

You really need to wean her off the night feeds, get her to sleep through the night and go back to having a semblance of a relationship with your partner.

I don't know how to help you if you won't help yourself OP.

But in fairness, this approach has been agreed by OP AND her husband. It's not like OP is pushing this on her H when he'd rather the baby was weaned by now.

He wants this approach to continue until the baby is 18 months, but also wants to duck out of helping sustain it every Friday night, leaving OP knackered.