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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's down time

322 replies

Pondlife87 · 08/09/2020 17:10

We have a 16 month old daughter who is a terrible sleeper.
Both my husband and I work. He does 5 days a week and I do 3.
We did split maternity. When i was off i did all the night wakings. When he was off we shared it as past 3am she will not settle without feeding (she is breastfed).

Now we are both back at work he does the first shift (10.30-2.30) and i do the second shift (2.30-7) of her waking. She tends to end up in bed with us from about 4 as otherwise I'm up every 30 minutes settling her. We've tried having her in bed with us all night, but she just wants to feed constantly if I'm near her and won't accept Dad.

So- i get to my point. Dad has always been a night owl and stays in his workhouse every Friday until 3am doing projects. This means we have to swap the shifts. This means I am up between 10.30-3 resettling her. Then when he comes to bed, because she needs to feed I am awake hourly resetting her and she will only accept me. Then because he has been up until 3am he gets the lie in. I get the lie in the following day.
I have expressed i am unhappy about it as I get next to no sleep all Friday night because i essentially do both shifts. He argues that lots of men/ women go out every weekend.
However i do not think it is ok to go out every weekend until 3am if you have a child, so i don't see why this is different?
I've suggested he can go out but take the baby monitor to do thr first shift and he said no. I suggest he go out and come in earlier at say 12/1 and he said no.
Am i being unreasonable with my requests?
Is there a middle ground? Can you offer any otjer solutions?
Please note this is not a request for advice to help baby sleep better. I've tried everything haha.

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 08/09/2020 18:06

It’s not that easy to just get the 16 month old to sleep.

My 19 month old hasn’t had boob feed during the night for 7 months and falls asleep in own bed and still wakes constantly throughout the night. We’ve tried everything. So now we also do “shifts”.

JenniferSantoro · 08/09/2020 18:07

Surely your baby should t be feeding in the night at 16 months old. It sounds like you’re letting your baby run rings around you.

Lockdownseperation · 08/09/2020 18:09

@HOkieCOkie

At 16 months she should be having milk before bed cleaning teeth and then no more.
Breast feeding is different. It doesn’t damage teeth due to the position of the nipple in the mouth. Breast feeding is about much more than a nutritional need. It is also entirely normally for children to wake during the night and need comfort.
Lockdownseperation · 08/09/2020 18:11

As for using as a dummy. You realise dummy means fake, in this situation a fake nipple. So the baby is using a nipple as a fake nipple substitute.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 08/09/2020 18:14

I absolutely knew this would turn into a thread about how my baby isn't sleeping through the night.
Whilst I appreciate the time everyone took to respond, i specifically said I didn't want advice on her sleep habits.
I come from a very different school of thought about what the biological norms are for babies, as does my husband. It has been a joint decision to not sleep train and a joint decision to not night wean until 18 months. So he is in my opinion equally responsible for the nights.

Thank you to those who gave advice to which I asked for as well. There are some very useable points there.

I've offered night

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/09/2020 18:15

Please note this is not a request for advice to help baby sleep better. I've tried everything haha

I suspect this statement means you know this is the issue.and this is what you need to resolve. She’s sixteen months, you need to deal with this now and say no and start to wean her

Bluntness100 · 08/09/2020 18:17

It has been a joint decision to not sleep train and a joint decision to not night wean until 18 months. So he is in my opinion equally responsible for the nights

Agree, but there is a hefty price you all need to pay, including your daughters disrupted sleep. You need to revisit the decision to see if you’re not still willing to do this.

dollypartonscoat · 08/09/2020 18:17

You say you've tried everything to get her to sleep and then you say you've actively avoided trying to get her to sleep. Which is it?

Do you expect your husband to wrap up any hobbies he has by 10.30 every night indefinitely? Confused

YABU

DalzielandPaxo · 08/09/2020 18:20

Well, if you don’t want to sort her sleeping habits out then you are being unreasonable to expect your husband to not continue his hobbies. At 16 months, I’d expect to be able to return to normality to a degree.

Bluntness100 · 08/09/2020 18:20

Also what’s the difference between eighteen months and six ten months.

And are you sure your husband agreed because he thought it was right, or did he just agree with you because he felt he should? Because his actions say he no longer agrees, and your daughters sleep quality is a concern.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2020 18:20

If he's staying up to play with his toys til 3 am and then isn't dealing with baby overnight, he isn't entitled to a lie in. How can he possibly think he is? And given you get one each, he's being a dick to insist it's on the night he gets to play in his she'd
He's basically having a whole night off and you can't.

I'd say you aren't managing having basically zero sleep Fri so either you get the lie in, or at 3 when she wakes up, he has her alone and you sleep on the sofa.

ShinyGreenElephant · 08/09/2020 18:20

Breastmilk doesn't affect babies' teeth. And night weaning is only recommended after 18m if they haven't naturally started sleeping better - 16m is still very young and its perfectly normal (if exhausting) for them to wake a lot.

@Pondlife87 it is absolutely your husbands responsibility as much as yours and he is being selfish. At the very least he needs to give you the lie in on Friday and Saturday mornings to allow you to catch up, if he won't change his routine.

slipperywhensparticus · 08/09/2020 18:21

a joint decision that your paying for

Carry on then 🤷‍♀️ best of luck to you

Angelina82 · 08/09/2020 18:21

You say you've tried everything to get her to sleep and then you say you've actively avoided trying to get her to sleep. Which is it?

You beat me to it.

joystir59 · 08/09/2020 18:22

The workhouse is where he belongs Grin

Bluntness100 · 08/09/2020 18:22

16m is still very young and its perfectly normal (if exhausting) for them to wake a lot

Can you post a link to any evidence to back that up? My child was ff and went through the night at eleven weeks. Waking constantly through the night is not a positive, no matter how much you support breastfeeding so wish to pretend it is.

Plussizejumpsuit · 08/09/2020 18:23

Well if you both insist on this way of sleeping you both need to do your fair share and he's being a dick. Tbh I missed the age of your baby when I first read your post and thought the baby was much younger. If the sleep pattern is non negotiable then you are both going to be exhausted and fight over a few hours of extra work. I think that's because the newborn stage is just sustainable for a whike. My sister is currently dealing with an unsettled at night 10 month old and is getting exhausted with it compared to her other child she's finding it hard. Can't imagine how you are feeling this many months in. Effectively you are making more difficult and that's OK if your dh picks this up with you.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/09/2020 18:25

Well it’s simple.

If he wants not to night wean, then he needs to stick to the original plan and do the first shift every night.

Otherwise night wean. There is no biological need for a 16 month to feed in the night

Thefab3 · 08/09/2020 18:27

@Itsrainingnotmen, I’m assuming you got lucky or something . I e had three kids, all great routines etc etc . One woke frequently until 4 years old.. we tried everything and consistently...
Op I don’t know what you can do but I agree it needs do be equally shared.

Bluntness100 · 08/09/2020 18:27

Op is your child possibly hungry? Is that’s why she is feeding so much during the night? Could you give her more solids during the day and she may feed less as night?

Carrottop73 · 08/09/2020 18:29

Your right to parent how you feel is best.

This doesn’t seem to be working though. It seems to me though you and your husband are suffering and I don’t see what the benefit is to your child. Do you not think dc would be happier being able to settle by them self and getting a full night sleep (or closer to this). DC will also have parents with more energy for them during the day.

Coolhand2 · 08/09/2020 18:31

I weaned my son at 16months and he started sleeping through the night, he was waking up twice to feed too but I coslept, so that helped we would just doze off. He is 19 months now. If I were you I would start to wean, you are close to 18mths and your plan isn't working anymore as you are sleep and hobby deprived.

MomToTwoBabas · 08/09/2020 18:33

Do you mean 6 months?

ScubaSteven · 08/09/2020 18:34

OP this is insanity, your DD needs sleep more than she needs breast milk in the night. You and your DH need to sort out the sleep.

YABU. At 16 months some normality should be resumed, I don't agree with 'sleep training' in the sense that leaving a baby to cry isn't fair or effective but you do need to readdress bedtime and get into routines during the night which encourage sleep. It's more unfair on your DD that she has unsettled sleep and needs breastfeeding to get back to 'sleep' (which she isn't doing if she then continues the wake ups throughout the night).

bustybetty · 08/09/2020 18:43

Make sure she doesn't nap during the day and don't feed her at night, the first few days nights will be rough but the new routine will help you no end. No-one said having kids was easy and there is a reason that women used to be 'just' housewives! I think having babies and working is super hard as its often the woman that ends up working, doing all the housework and picking up the sick, tired children too. It will get better - repeat!