Husband's down time

[Pondlife87]

We have a 16 month old daughter who is a terrible sleeper.
Both my husband and I work. He does 5 days a week and I do 3.
We did split maternity. When i was off i did all the night wakings. When he was off we shared it as past 3am she will not settle without feeding (she is breastfed).

Now we are both back at work he does the first shift (10.30-2.30) and i do the second shift (2.30-7) of her waking. She tends to end up in bed with us from about 4 as otherwise I'm up every 30 minutes settling her. We've tried having her in bed with us all night, but she just wants to feed constantly if I'm near her and won't accept Dad.

So- i get to my point. Dad has always been a night owl and stays in his workhouse every Friday until 3am doing projects. This means we have to swap the shifts. This means I am up between 10.30-3 resettling her. Then when he comes to bed, because she needs to feed I am awake hourly resetting her and she will only accept me. Then because he has been up until 3am he gets the lie in. I get the lie in the following day.
I have expressed i am unhappy about it as I get next to no sleep all Friday night because i essentially do both shifts. He argues that lots of men/ women go out every weekend.
However i do not think it is ok to go out every weekend until 3am if you have a child, so i don't see why this is different?
I've suggested he can go out but take the baby monitor to do thr first shift and he said no. I suggest he go out and come in earlier at say 12/1 and he said no.
Am i being unreasonable with my requests?
Is there a middle ground? Can you offer any otjer solutions?
Please note this is not a request for advice to help baby sleep better. I've tried everything haha.

Yabu to still be run ragged during the night by a 16 mo...
Take some even tentative steps to get dc sleeping all night. She doesn't need milk.
Obviously Yanbu to suggest to dh he is being a knob.

When you say 'stays in his workhouse ...doing projects' do you mean that it's a hobby that he does in a shed in the garden (or similar)? Or is it part of his job?

Yes, at 16mo she's old enough to be told no, there's no Me More (or whatever you call it) until morning now. And be firm. She'll soon be sleeping through.

YANBU to say he should do his shift as per the other nights but you're talking as if your DD is a newborn. You probably know this but a 16 m/o should not be waking that much in the night and need that much settling.

At 16 months she should be having milk before bed cleaning teeth and then no more.

Ahh she should NOT be having milk in the night.

Don't take this the wrong way bc it's genuinely aiming to be a helpful comment, but all the constant fuss and breast feeding during the night is only encouraging the behaviour and preventing her sleep cycle developing.
She needs to be left alone to sleep.

Aside from night weaning. What actual shift does he think he's doing on a Friday night? Because he's not doing either it seems? Does he think he's doing the 2.30-7am? Is the lie in just because he stayed up late or because he's on the second shift

OP like others have said the problem is not your husband.

That does sound exhausting - my DS was exactly the same with night wakings. I had no DH to help so at around 16m, I moved him into a bed with bed guard and let him sleep until he first woke by himself then I got into bed with him and let him feed to sleep. It meant at least we could both get some sleep and I learnt to go straight back to sleep when he was feeding. It also gave me a less disturbed night as all I had to do was stumble into his room, lift up my top and go back to sleep.

Sorry, that suggestion doesn't help with the unfairness of it. Maybe say you want your lie in on Saturday mornings as you've been up most of the night and he can get up and have his lie in on Sundays. That might make him less inclined to stay up till 3am!

Or can your husband have his downtime in his workshop during the day at weekends rather than till 3am? Is he not tired even with the lie in?

Each child is different but it's not normal for a child that age to be waking so much. I'm not saying it's abnormal but I would be taking steps to get her to stay in bed or seeking professional advice. She will wake because she knows that you come straight to her. Must be exhausting though! 🌸

16 months is still young
Babies wake for many reasons. People saying just say no, obviously haven't had a teething or unsettled child. Breastfed babies can be harder to resettle.
I don't understand what his 3am stuff is so I guess it depends. If it's hobby he is unreasonable if it's night shift less so.

Your husband is essentially not doing his share on Fridays. YANBU.

(and how you feed and settle your child is your own business)

He is being unreasonable but to be honest he’s probably at the end of his rope (as I’m sure you also are) after 16 months of newborn-style sleep disruption. I don’t want to say anything unhelpful as you say you’ve tried everything but have you actually done sleep training, used a consultant to help? Fair enough if you don’t want to but if you won’t take the measures to get her to sleep I think you need to take the hit of the bad nights. Sorry if I’m way off the mark, you haven’t gone into detail about the background to her bad sleep, but I wouldn’t be ok with this situation after so long either.

Will she take a bottle of formula? If so can you incorporate this at some point so that you can get a decent rest. I'm not trying to be anti breast feeding just pro rest and sleep.

I vote that you get one weekend a month away on your own in a luxury hotel as recompense.

Ignoring the feeding/sleep issues. On a Friday, your DH chooses to do his hobby while you cover his shift, then do your own. Then he gets a lie in because he chose to stay up late, while you get up early even though you were up later than him.

I would put it to him in those terms and ask what he feels would be fair. Suggest that on a Saturday he covers your shift because you need sleep. That may mean that he needs to give DC a bottle or cup of expressed milk (or water!). Explain to him that if you got ill, he'd have to go this for several days in a row, and if you keep going as you are, that's a distinct possibility (through exhaustion!)

as otherwise I'm up every 30 minutes settling her
I know you don’t want advice on this but as a parent of two very difficult sleepers, this is just unsustainable.

Notwithstanding, no YANBU to get him to insist he puts the hobby on hold to do his shift properly. Swapping isn’t realistic until you (both) sort out the sleeping issue.

You need to sort these night wakings. For a 16 mo, that’s ridiculous. That’s newborn territory. Sort that and try to work together, then you’ll both be freer to do what you want.

Completely agree with PP. She needs to learn to settle on her own now she's a toddler. It's not good for her to have such broken sleep, or for you, your husband, or relationship

16 months is very small. The problem is with the husband not the baby.

I'd say YANBU except that she's old enough to be sleeping without eating in the middle of the night. Unless your husband is insisting that she stay on the night feedings, this isn't his fault. After 16 months, I'd be wanting some return to normalcy, too, and apparently his late-night hobby session was never a problem before...

He'd need to rearrange his schedule if it were a case of someone being ill or some other special circumstances, but on an on-going basis, the solution needs to be focused on getting a better sleep pattern.

Stop BF during the night, it's bad for her teeth and bad for her to not be getting a full nights sleep anyway.

It won't solve your husband problem but would you consider night weaning? Even if you set a limit if 10pm no later?

No 16 month old needs feeding through the night. It sounds like your child is using you as a dummy. I know this suggestion will be frowned upon on mumsnet but have you considered stopping the breast feeding and perhaps offering her an actual dummy?