Husband's down time

[Pondlife87]

We have a 16 month old daughter who is a terrible sleeper.
Both my husband and I work. He does 5 days a week and I do 3.
We did split maternity. When i was off i did all the night wakings. When he was off we shared it as past 3am she will not settle without feeding (she is breastfed).

Now we are both back at work he does the first shift (10.30-2.30) and i do the second shift (2.30-7) of her waking. She tends to end up in bed with us from about 4 as otherwise I'm up every 30 minutes settling her. We've tried having her in bed with us all night, but she just wants to feed constantly if I'm near her and won't accept Dad.

So- i get to my point. Dad has always been a night owl and stays in his workhouse every Friday until 3am doing projects. This means we have to swap the shifts. This means I am up between 10.30-3 resettling her. Then when he comes to bed, because she needs to feed I am awake hourly resetting her and she will only accept me. Then because he has been up until 3am he gets the lie in. I get the lie in the following day.
I have expressed i am unhappy about it as I get next to no sleep all Friday night because i essentially do both shifts. He argues that lots of men/ women go out every weekend.
However i do not think it is ok to go out every weekend until 3am if you have a child, so i don't see why this is different?
I've suggested he can go out but take the baby monitor to do thr first shift and he said no. I suggest he go out and come in earlier at say 12/1 and he said no.
Am i being unreasonable with my requests?
Is there a middle ground? Can you offer any otjer solutions?
Please note this is not a request for advice to help baby sleep better. I've tried everything haha.

@Pondlife87 have you considered booking into travelodge every Saturday for a month???

Oh, and the dentist described DS1's teeth as 'pristine' - helps that even now he's a water and milk kid.

I have no suggestions about your H. He does sound like a selfish dick.

The only solution is for you to night wean your dd, and hand her over to him as soon as he gets in and go to bed yourself.

What is she eating throughout the day? Is actually feeding at night or looking for comfort. It could be teething or hunger. At sixteen months mine only woke once or twice for comfort. I’m still breastfeeding but she’s less interested.

Are you in Britain? Breastfeeding rates are really low here so to still be breastfeeding your baby at 16months is fairly rare - which is why you’re getting some of the guff you’re getting. It’s perfectly normal for a 16month old breastfed baby to wake during the night and not just to feed.

@Bluntness100 your lo sleeping through at 11 weeks was luck. I remember a health visitor talking about her baby sleeping through from birth. Incredibly unhelpful.

If you agreed that you wouldn't sleep Train until 18 months, your DH need to swap. Also you need to nap and have the same amount of time to yourselves. It sounds like you have agreed he can't ever take the sexond shift so you can't do the same. . He should take the third shift.

First 10.30-2.30)
Second 2.30-7
Third 7 - 11

I sympathise with you being on the receiving end of so much baby sleep advice, and agree YANBU. However, when you do night wean in a couple of months (I did it with both of mine at around 15 months) the best way I found of doing that was my partner settled every time during our chosen 'no milk' period. I just didnt have that kind of willpower to refuse boob in the small hours. So....you have nearly done your time....his time is coming! Perhaps 'bank' the favour you are doing him and make sure he understands that he will be doing his duty very soon ;)

Sounds like a lot of hard work for a 16 month old.
We never had them in our bed as you can never get rid of them and sex life goes out the window.
I think you both need to work at settling your toddler.
Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but you both need to put the work in, otherwise you'll be making a rod for your own back.

I voted YANBU completely missing the fact that she’s 16 months. 16 months old should not need milk all night, and they should be getting a decent night’s sleep, as should you by then.

I had to go back and check the age of the baby. I knew I'd read 16 months but I had to check as it reads like the baby is 16 WEEKS.

I think you need to work together to get your baby into their own room and sleeping through.

You must both be totally worn out and on the edge by now!

Sorry, I've no advice about the sharing shifts as I think it's not really the issue here.

@Coolhand2

I weaned my son at 16months and he started sleeping through the night, he was waking up twice to feed too but I coslept, so that helped we would just doze off. He is 19 months now. If I were you I would start to wean, you are close to 18mths and your plan isn't working anymore as you are sleep and hobby deprived.

This with bells on

I have a similarly aged toddler and my partner does actually sometimes go out until 2am on a Friday but as Saturday morning is my lie in, he still has to get up. He chooses to go out late, he chooses to get less sleep!

But mine does sleep well so your situation is a lot trickier. How many times does she usually wake while he’s in his shed? What does he usually do to settle her when it’s his shift? So you have a spare room that you and dd can just go co sleep on a Friday?

Well if you've done the entire Friday night you should get the Saturday lie in. It's his choice to stay up til 3. Why doesn't he organise his time better so that's not necessary? Take a couple of hours on Sat or Sun afternoon?

op sorry if my comment was hurtful I wasn't thinking how you must be feeling

It’s not fair on any of you that she’s awake so much - especially her. Poor thing must be exhausted. Until then take it in turns if your both of the school of thought that 16 months is too young to need sleep. Your DH sounds useless

Why are you still giving her milk at night at 16 months she can do without it at night, of course she's going to keep waking if you're going to keep feeding her. X

@Pondlife87

People who haven't done it just don't understand I fear. And there's still so much of an idea that babies are these arch-manipulators who need to be crate-trained, instead of little people who need huge amounts of love to feel safe and secure. It's so adversarial. I can't imagine feeling like that towards my baby.

As well as all the people thinking babies who wake frequently are overtired - when actually for the baby, it's straightforward and healthy - a sleep cycle, a wake up, feed to sleep and then sleep again for another cycle. It's the poor old parent who then lies awake thinking about the gas bill or whatever so only get 20 mins sleep until the next wake-up! this is why I loved bedsharing and have pre-agreed with my partner that's what I'll be doing until at least six months this time (bone of serious contention last time!). Sleeping babies are soporific and after a while they can feed almost without waking you up!

Keep on trucking OP - it's not easy though and I salute you! Especially hard when all you get for your effort from other people is criticism and the inference you are a complete mug. I know you're not!

Definitely need to sort out the husband though, you need a fair share of what sleep there is to be had!

What age are you going to wean though? I mean if it’s in a few months it’s no big deal but if it’s at age 4 you’ve got a problem.

So true - AIBU is the worst place for this kind of post because the only advice you’ll get is ‘change what suits your tiny baby because your husband can’t possibly be expected to not get what he wants 100% of the time’.

Well in this instance the OP doesn't have a tiny baby, as there is no sensible definition of that term that extends to a 16 month old. So anyone giving that advice could be safely ignored until they'd worked out what was actually going on.

That aside, the DH is being extremely unreasonable. It's a mutual decision to facilitate the child sleeping in this way, so both should facilitate it. And really, what kind of person thinks it's ok for their spouse to have a sleepless night once a week so they can do some 2am DIY?!

@Devlesko you never bedshared but feel informed enough to know how it goes? [Hmm]

I bedshared with my little girl on and off until she was a year old. She's slept in her own room ever since, and through the night from about 2. Sex life only needs to go out the window if you are unimaginative enough to believe that sex can only happen in a bed

You are the one with the boobs. You are in control. It comes across as all 3 of you are exhausted. I'd personally wean. My sleep means more to be than what you might read in a book

OP has already said - she'll nightwear when her child is old enough to understand what she's saying. I tried to nightwean earlier due to pressure from my partner, and believe me there is nothing more hideous than holding your screaming child who desperately wants the comfort they have always known and that you have always given them but are suddenly, inexplicably refusing to give them. The fear in the cry is something else. I couldn't do it, because it was cruel.

And yes, I get it, very few people extended breastfeed so simply do not get what it is like or how it works. Fine, you don't have to. But focus on what the OP is actually asking for help with, instead of throwing around opinions on something that you just don't understand.

@Babysharksmom

It doesn't sound like the OP's DH is exhausted if he's noodling away in his workshop until 3am every Friday

If you're "off duty" between 2.30-7, then you're off duty. You should not be woken up to feed during that time, even if that's your shift the other nights. Do you have a spare room you could sleep in? If so, go there, lock the door and leave your DH to settle your DD with cuddles and a cup of water. It's his chosen shift, leave him to cope. Your DD doesn't need to feed overnight so you won't be harming her and, if it's unpleasant for him, he may choose to swap back.

I think it’s okay for him to get a night off and a one day a week lie in. HOWEVER you should also get a night off and a lie in once a week! If you can’t have a night time off due to BF then you should reclaim that time for a morning / afternoon / lunch time when your DH can give her solids / water when you get a break to do as you want. Your own hobby / read a book / go out / see a mate / lie in a dark room quietly!
My BF DC only accepts me in the night (they only wake for milk, sometimes just twice on a good night, other nights 1-2hrly) so I do all the night times despite us working the same hours (when not on maternity) but DH will get up and if DC is up early and wanting to play and let me have another couple of hours.
He should get time off as should you. Balance!