Husband's down time

[Pondlife87]

We have a 16 month old daughter who is a terrible sleeper.
Both my husband and I work. He does 5 days a week and I do 3.
We did split maternity. When i was off i did all the night wakings. When he was off we shared it as past 3am she will not settle without feeding (she is breastfed).

Now we are both back at work he does the first shift (10.30-2.30) and i do the second shift (2.30-7) of her waking. She tends to end up in bed with us from about 4 as otherwise I'm up every 30 minutes settling her. We've tried having her in bed with us all night, but she just wants to feed constantly if I'm near her and won't accept Dad.

So- i get to my point. Dad has always been a night owl and stays in his workhouse every Friday until 3am doing projects. This means we have to swap the shifts. This means I am up between 10.30-3 resettling her. Then when he comes to bed, because she needs to feed I am awake hourly resetting her and she will only accept me. Then because he has been up until 3am he gets the lie in. I get the lie in the following day.
I have expressed i am unhappy about it as I get next to no sleep all Friday night because i essentially do both shifts. He argues that lots of men/ women go out every weekend.
However i do not think it is ok to go out every weekend until 3am if you have a child, so i don't see why this is different?
I've suggested he can go out but take the baby monitor to do thr first shift and he said no. I suggest he go out and come in earlier at say 12/1 and he said no.
Am i being unreasonable with my requests?
Is there a middle ground? Can you offer any otjer solutions?
Please note this is not a request for advice to help baby sleep better. I've tried everything haha.

I think - until her sleeping settles - that your DH should give up on the Friday night stuff and do his share. You must be exhausted and the prospect of Friday night looming must hang over you each week. My youngest didn't sleep through the night until she was 3, and I only breastfed for the first 8 months (then formula) so it isn't always BF that causes the unsettledness ( is that a word? Sorry, v. tired today). No medical reasons for it were found. She was just a wakeful/v. light sleeper. Sleeps through now I might add! My eldest was a "good" sleeper from a lot earlier on. So much of it is luck I think.

Is your baby not a over tired mess during the day from having such interrupted nights op?

Your dh is being unreasonable. If he agrees with not night weaning til 18 months he needs to do his share every night of the week.

feel for you op as you're not getting the advice you wanted but if you posted
'I continuously run in to a brick wall and dp has stopped bandaging my head after the 300th time' then people might ask ' but whhhy do you do this????'

I would expect your husband to do the first shift on Friday night so you can get some sleep.

Unless he's creating the vaccine for Covid in his shed until 3am, he can do his hobby on his days off.

OP I really feel for you - so many people who clearly have no clue about the biological norm and extended breastfeeding when all you asked is essentially "is it ok for my DH to take one night completely off parenting when I never get one?"

The answer is obviously YANBU. He needs to support you if he agrees with your jointly chosen parenting method. If he doesn't that's a different conversation, but he doesn't get to carry on like this at your expense and miss out on the pain of night weaning. Sounds like he has it all his own way.

@stovetopespresso nice attempt there to make the parenting decisions completely the woman's responsibility. They as a family have chosen to extended bf and to not do sleep training; why is that the OP "bashing into a wall" as if her DH is just a bewildered onlooker?

@bustybetty

A 16 month old needs to nap in the day, it’s vital for their development. My 4 year old still has a daily nap for an hour or more.

As it goes, after about 10 mths by DP got fed up with both bf and no sleep training - so I got on with things myself. Night weaned at 18 mths because I couldn't hack work and the lack of sleep and a traumatic bereavement all at once. It did help with sleep. But I wish I hadn't had to do it and if I'd had my DH's support I might not have had to.

@VeniceQueen2004

OP I really feel for you - so many people who clearly have no clue about the biological norm and extended breastfeeding when all you asked is essentially "is it ok for my DH to take one night completely off parenting when I never get one?"

The answer is obviously YANBU. He needs to support you if he agrees with your jointly chosen parenting method. If he doesn't that's a different conversation, but he doesn't get to carry on like this at your expense and miss out on the pain of night weaning. Sounds like he has it all his own way.

So true - AIBU is the worst place for this kind of post because the only advice you’ll get is ‘change what suits your tiny baby because your husband can’t possibly be expected to not get what he wants 100% of the time’.

I guess the obvious answer is that you book a hotel room on. Saturday night and have a full night off and a full lie in...

Do that for a month and see if he is ready to renegotiate?

I would argue that you get the sleep in on a Saturday and he does on a Sunday but first have some nights away with lots of sleep!

A 16 months old should not be waking up in the night for milk! You need to stop that and only offer water and resettle in her cot/bed. You need to establish a better bed time routine.

Ok..i have tried everything to get to her sleep except sleep training and nightweaning.

18 months is hugely different to 16 months because around this time there is language explosion which means you can communicate the decision to your child, and have them be part of the conversation to wean.

There is also plenty of evidence to suggest night waking is normal. I will find some and post some later.

I don't expect him to 'wrap hobbies up by 10.30' i just don't think it is fair to be up until 3am every week.

Baby will not take a dummy, a bottle or a cup.

I am actually quite sad that instead of answering my question people have taken this as an opportunity to criticise my parenting choices because i didn't choose your path. Please be assured that all my decisions are research based and not just a whim. What a wonderfully supportive community this is(n't).

so many people who clearly have no clue about the biological norm and extended breastfeeding

Wow, what a thing to post on a parenting site.

Also, I'm not complaining about the lack of sleep overall. I'm complaining about the lack of potential fairness.

I am actually quite sad that instead of answering my question people have taken this as an opportunity to criticise my parenting choices because i didn't choose your path. Please be assured that all my decisions are research based and not just a whim. What a wonderfully supportive community this is(n't).

It’s because your husband is the one being lazy and there’s a whole heap of posters on here who think men are above reproach. To the extent that they’ll have you change what suits your very little baby because t doesn’t suit your husband.

@VeniceQueen2004
The internalised misogyny is rife isn't it.

Op no one is saying night waking isn’t normal. What you’re saying, is that your child feeds constantly through the night and wakes every thirty mins. That’s why people are trying to help you. This can’t be healthy for any of you. Particularly your daughter. It must be exhausting for all of you.

However it seems you’re set on not night weaning and wish this to continue, and if this is the case, then you need to check your husband is still on board.

I’d forget the research and think about do you think your daughter is getting a good nights sleep like she needs, and do you feel this approach is best for her.

I agree he can't indulge his hobbies then sleep in as he is tired and not pull his weight but it does sound like a stressful situation and you are all sleep deprived which is probably making you all a bit grumpy (understandably). And affecting your work?

You said you don't want comments on your sleep methods but it does sound like these are contributing to a stressful time.

Why cant he do his hobby or whatever he is doing and also settle the baby? If he is up anyway it seems silly for him to be ignoring the baby while you actually have to wake up to settle her

Breastfed babies are very different and it’s totally normal for her to be waking like this at 16m

My daughter fed heaps at night then too. For comfort, not just milk.....which was fine with us too. But we shared that load. Your husband isn’t. What does he think is a suitable solution?

He can’t do a hobby through his shift, sleep through yours then get a lie in. You’re exhausted.

Would he consider sleeping in another room those nights and you co sleeping? We got much more sleep that way.

Does your baby maybe need more food at tea time ? She may then be less likely to waken up if she has a full tummy ? Does she sleep much during the day ?

It's absolutely ridiculous that he's not taking the shifts when he's awake anyway. What sort of "projects" can't be interrupted to settle your child!? If I were in your DH's position, I would be not only volunteering but pretty much insisting on covering up to 3am.

Reading the books and doing research is all fine and dandy, but you don't have to follow things to the letter and be completely inflexible when they clearly aren't working.

When is your night off?

Don't listen to the previous posters going on about not sleeping through the night /feeding at night. My DD is 20 months and still feeds 2 times per night and it can be totally normal for some babies. 16 months is still tiny! Sounds like you're doing a great job responding to your babies needs, despite being shattered. I agree your husband is being unreasonable.

DS 1 was still having a night feed at 18 months. He was still taking an hour to go to bed, he was still sleeping with us and needing to be re-settled. Even once we dropped the night feed because I got pregnant again and my milk dried up, he often needed a snack in the middle of the night. A switch flicked about 3.5-4 and he was suddenly the child who you read a story to, say 'roll over and go to sleep now' and he switched off until the next morning. DS2 was an entirely different child who slept through from 8 months. Kids are different, and it's not all about sleep training or parenting.

I also get the wanting to feed if you're there. I took to wearing stout t-shirts, and we put him in a little 'nest' next to our bed, then a toddler bed next to our bed to start letting him be further away, but still close.

On the husband, you're doing 2 shifts Friday. He needs to do 2 shifts Saturday, or as close to as possible, or it's not fair, and put starkly like that he must be able to understand it if he has an ounce of reasonable-ness. We had some success with DP doing the settling as he wasn't me - it might be worth a try?