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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mil has been complaining about me

106 replies

Mummyofmay2020 · 07/09/2020 22:30

Mil treated me pretty badly until i recently gave birth - now she is civil after she realised dh will enforce boundaries if she tries to overstep and also because she wants to see LO more often. However I've never had an apology and never will as she's that kind of person who will not even acknowledge her behaviour. I've accepted this and know that we will never be besties but i will always show general respect and see her on family occasions etc as she is dh's mum. However she has now started complaining to my aunt that i dont let her see baby enough or make an effort to go over and that shes sad not seeing baby often enough. Very much painting herself as a victim and me as the selfish dil. She will prob do to this with other family members of mine or friends whenever she gets the opportunity. For context I last took baby over about 2-3 weeks ago and would probably pop in once every few weeks. Is this enough? Should it be more? I know i shouldnt hold onto past but it can be tough when someones never been held accountable for their toxic or nasty behaviour.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 07/09/2020 22:32

How often do your parents see lo?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 07/09/2020 22:34

How often her parents see the baby is irrelevant.

hammeringinmyhead · 07/09/2020 22:36

@RedHelenB

How often do your parents see lo?
Yeah, this doesn't matter. I presume OP's family didn't treat her like crap until they had the sudden realisation she was going to be the mother of their grandchild.

It is entirely up to you how often you go and you are entitled to explain to your aunt or whoever exactly what she has done to you in the past.

LagunaBubbles · 07/09/2020 22:36

What does your DH think?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2020 22:37

She sounds horrible. Why would you pander to her nastiness? Why are you arranging visits, where’s DH in this? If she can’t be trusted to behave properly I’d refuse to see her without him there.

How often you see your own family if you have one is completely irrelevant. Hopefully they’re lovely and are able to support you, not an easy time to have a newborn Flowers

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/09/2020 22:37

Its not your responsibility to facilitate her relationship with your child - if she'd been kind to you then it would be nice to but she hasn't so why should you? Let your husband deal with her. I would also have him make it very clear that if shes rude about you she will see your child less, not more. Noone who doesn't have a good relationship with me gets one with my kids

7yo7yo · 07/09/2020 22:39

You know, you don’t have to see her at all?
She’s a knob head and whatever you do will never be enough.
Perhaps you and/or DH need to say “you’ve been complaining that you don’t see LO very much to various people so we will now reduce the time we see you.”
Make her words come true.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 07/09/2020 22:39

Once every few weeks is not enough, stop using your LO as a weapon to punish her.

Leeds2 · 07/09/2020 22:40

Why is she talking to your family about you? And what are they saying back?
Personally, I think I would let DH be in charge of taking your DC to visit her. And I would stay away.

CalmdownJanet · 07/09/2020 22:40

Just tell her if she wants to see DC she talks to your dh, he facilitates his family and you do yours.

Jengnr · 07/09/2020 22:41

She could visit you if she wanted, right?

BaronessBomburst · 07/09/2020 22:41

Do your friends and family know what she's like though? And how she treated you before? If so they'll take all her comments with a pinch of salt. Her constant complaining will get on everyone's nerves too.

Just ignore her.

katy1213 · 07/09/2020 22:42

Sounds plenty to me.

TidyDancer · 07/09/2020 22:42

That's not very often but if she's been horrible then I understand why you don't want to see her. You don't say what she's done but I'm assuming it wasn't nice if your DH had to intervene.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2020 22:43

Why can't your husband take her over?

Elephantday82 · 07/09/2020 22:43

Once every few weeks is plenty. Don’t let her dictate To you.

CareBearFan · 07/09/2020 22:43

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Once every few weeks is not enough, stop using your LO as a weapon to punish her.
OP doesn't like the woman, for good reasons. Why should she visit as frequently as she already does, let alone more frequently? Visits are a privilege, not a right.
Crankley · 07/09/2020 22:44

I would tell her she is now reaping what she sowed. If she had been nicer I'm sure you would visit more often but as she was a bitch to you, you don't feel inclined to do that. Next she will be demanding she has your baby overnight without you. So many MiL do for some bizarre reason. Practice saying no, that won't happen for some time if ever

Icanflyhigh · 07/09/2020 22:45

Also depends how far away she lives. We see DPs parents once every few months as they are a good 2 and 4 hour drive away, we see my parents most days as they are 3 miles away.

willieversleep · 07/09/2020 22:45

My mil has not treated me well in the past. What I am sure of, though, is that she loves my children and they love her. I encourage the best relationship I can as I see how valuable it is to the children. Issues between her and I are just that but if there were obvious to the children I'd make it clear that intolerable and won't be accepted. I can see why you are hurt but it's up to you (you and your dh) to decide what role she will play in your children's lives.

pastabest · 07/09/2020 22:46

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Once every few weeks is not enough, stop using your LO as a weapon to punish her.
I'm close to my parents but they quite easily don't see my children for quite a few weeks in a row sometimes.

What measure of 'enough' are you using here?

LittleOwl153 · 07/09/2020 22:48

You do t have to take the baby to DH's family at all. She should be grateful you are prepared to tolerate her every 2-3 weeks. If she treats you badly I wouldn't bother at all.
Whether your DH should take baby to see his family depends on whether he has a decent relationship with them and is up to him to sort. But you certainly don't need to do it for him/them!

Halo1234 · 07/09/2020 22:48

hmm imo its dh responsibility to take baby over. If you didn't visit before baby alone no need to start. If saw her once every few weeks before baby no need to increase now. That said if she make the effort to see baby and is a loving caring gran then I would try to nuture that as much as I could stomach.

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/09/2020 22:49

Once every few weeks is not enough, stop using your LO as a weapon to punish her.

This - because ultimately you are just a baby making vessel and your wants and needs are no longer relevant and you should suffer in silence to facility all other family members happiness.

HollowTalk · 07/09/2020 22:53

That was the perfect opportunity for your aunt (presumably the same generation) to say, "Look, MIL, if you treat people badly, as you did with the OP, then OBVIOUSLY they're not going to want to see you. You need to apologise for your behaviour and fucking well behave yourself in future."

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