Mil has been complaining about me

[Mummyofmay2020]

Mil treated me pretty badly until i recently gave birth - now she is civil after she realised dh will enforce boundaries if she tries to overstep and also because she wants to see LO more often. However I've never had an apology and never will as she's that kind of person who will not even acknowledge her behaviour. I've accepted this and know that we will never be besties but i will always show general respect and see her on family occasions etc as she is dh's mum. However she has now started complaining to my aunt that i dont let her see baby enough or make an effort to go over and that shes sad not seeing baby often enough. Very much painting herself as a victim and me as the selfish dil. She will prob do to this with other family members of mine or friends whenever she gets the opportunity. For context I last took baby over about 2-3 weeks ago and would probably pop in once every few weeks. Is this enough? Should it be more? I know i shouldnt hold onto past but it can be tough when someones never been held accountable for their toxic or nasty behaviour.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Once every few weeks is not enough, stop using your problem KO as a weapon

Nasty, what makes you think she is using the child as weapon? Why is it her responsibility to take the baby to mil, there is no reason the husband shouldn’t do it.

Op, let your husband take the child if he wants to,

How far away do you live from her? There needs to be some mutual effort , can she meet you and DH halfway somewhere? Is she able to drive or get herself about? Really if she wants to see the baby more she needs to discuss it with your DH and work something out rather than moan about it. 2-3 weekly seems fine to me especially if she's been unkind.

I get on okay with my MIL but she always says she never sees my DC enough. We live 1 hr and a quarter drive from her and I have taken them to her a couple of times recently, 2-3 weeks apart. I think this is often enough considering the distance and the effort it takes to get my 4 month old and toddler there on my own, but the first thing she says to them when we get there is "oh I never see you!" And obviously I couldn't take them at all in the lockdown. Very annoying , sometimes you just can't win!

Personally with that history I'd see her as little as I could get away with.

Turn it on it's head. How often does your DH take the baby to see YOUR parents?

Because she is the woman, she has to put her wants and needs last? Would a man be criticised for not taking a child to his MILs on his own? No. Never. Wouldn't happen.

Not your parent = not your responsibility.

If you liked her, I'm pretty sure you'd want to visit. Her problem was not realising that she had a responsibility to foster a good relationship before grandchildren came along.

" However she has now started complaining to my aunt that i dont let her see baby enough or make an effort to go over and that shes sad not seeing baby often enough"
Well, she's reaping what she sowed, isn't she? She was nasty to you, and the consequence of that behaviour is that you feel no obligation to her - and nor should you. And if any family or friends raise the matter with you, I do hope you will point this out to them. And that your husband points it out to his family.

Oh, and I'd be buggered if I visited at all.

Ergh, she sounds entitled. Your DH should be the one to manage the relationship with your MIL. If she ever complains directly to you, then I would point her in his direction!

I wouldn't go and see her at all. I don't see why you should forgive and forget. MIL shouldn't have treated you badly. Now you have something she's wants, she is playing nice. Nothing has changed, she still doesn't like you. Why you want to your innocent baby to have any contact with a woman that couldn't treat you with respect and kindness?

Good grief, she sounds like hardwork. My DH and I buggered off to live on another continent not long after I fell pregnant with our first, I can't even begin to imagine what your MIL would have to say about that lol.

If she wants to see your daughter more then she needs to act her age and just speak to your DH to arrange something. She sounds childish and petty. And even if she was entitled to see her grandchild a certain amount, why would you get the blame if it doesn't happen? Why wouldn't she blame her own son for that? Sounds like she thinks that family relationships are your responsibility, OP. Wife work. That sort of thing would really wind me up.

Sounds like you have behaved better than she deserves. Time to stop going over.

I don’t think there’s any issue over the frequency of visits- it is what it is, and it’s entirely up to you.

I think your problem seems to be the ‘flying monkeys’ that report back to you your MIL’s complaints about you.

You can’t stop your MIL bitching about you, and on past form it’s actually likely she’ll indulge herself often. Next it’ll be that you’re not feeding the baby enough or have a poor sleep routine or dress them in a way she hates. You can however put in place boundaries with family about the reporting back. Be clear once they start up about MIL, that you’re not interested in second-hand commentary on your parenting. That if anyone has anything to say, they can say it directly. Be firm and repeat often, till everyone is bored with the game.

I know it’s very difficult not to take offence when you hear what she’s been spreading, new mums are especially sensitive about this stuff. It’s natural. It certainly will dampen your enthusiasm for doing her favours.

Know that grandparents often complain about not seeing the baby enough- even the ones that have good relationships with the parents. It seems to be a way to say ‘I love the baby so much’ with a side order of martyrdom thrown in! In fact the ones I’ve known to say it the most are the ones who go on to want little involvement (and offer no real help) in the child’s life down the track! Involved, mature grandparents will find ways to interact and help out, even whole continents away.

Feel free to let your MIL set the pace of the relationship with your baby. If she puts in little to no effort, and spreads ill-will, then get on with your own life and let her reap what she sows.

I dealt with nonsense like this early on in my baby’s life. I flat out asked (in a conversational tone, face to face during our next visit) ‘Did you tell xx that I xx?’. The bluster and awkwardness I caused her by being direct soon put her off. And she knew after a while that she had a choice. Behave or be in the background.

Congrats on your baby

What was your Aunt’s reply to MIL? I hope Aunt defended your right to organise your own and your baby’s lives?

There aren’t any rules about how often Granny should see Baby, and your MIL is clearly focusing on her own wants, rather than what is best or convenient for you and baby.

It’s a bit late for MIL to learn the lesson that you get more with honey than with vinegar. And it shows just what a nice person you must be @Mummyofmay2020 that you haven’t pointed this out to MIL yourself!

I'd consider leaving it to your husband to take the baby to see her, if that's feasible-- if he wants to. If he doesn't, too bad for her.

Every few weeks is often enough for someone who has been and continues to be a bitch to the baby's mother.

She may need a reminder that you owe her nothing. These visits are allowed out of the goodness of your heart and are dependent upon her good behaviour.

Uh... why visit her at all
And tell her to stop saying bad things about you.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Once every few weeks is not enough, stop using your LO as a weapon to punish her.

THIS!

@CareBearFan Visits are a privilege, not a right.

Are you serious?! A Grandmother getting to see their grandchild is NOT a bloody 'privilege'
A child's right to see and have a relationship with their grandparent is NOTHING to do with whether OP likes or dislikes the woman.

Wow. Most shocking comment I've ever read on here, truly

My MIL is the type to give an inch and take a mile. She puts in very little effort to get to know the children other than taking photos to show her friends. Nowadays she is more concerned with how academic the children are and that they take after her side of the family. I keep her at arm's length and life has been far less stressful. I have absolutely no doubt she badmouths me as a past time!

FML really? When someone is nasty to you then you DONT have to see them

Perhaps you and/or DH need to say “you’ve been complaining that you don’t see LO very much to various people so we will now reduce the time we see you.”

Yep

Natural consequences for someone behaving like a toddler!

I'd also make it clear to your relatives that they aren't obligated to speak to or rather listen to her and that they have your support to end calls where she's bad mouthing you

Frankly I think it's out of order your aunt didn't put her straight! Mine would have.

How often is not only dependent on ops relationship with mil but how busy people are and how far away mil is and how easy/difficult it is to do the journey.

When I had dd we were living hundreds of miles away from both families, as it happened my in laws were easier to get to than my parents and quite honestly I got along with them better too, so naturally we saw them more.

My parents could have come to us but didn't, they barely bothered with dd when we did visit!

If mil wanted to see baby and that means dil too let's be honest, she shouldn't have been horrible to you

Yeah OP, look at you not taking your DC to visit a PITA sweet friendly granny more often and trying to have a normal life.

Everyone knows that if you have a PITA family member, better still an in-law, a minority on MN want you to glue yourself to said PITA. They would possibly get off on you suffering and tell you that you deserve it for some bizarre reason.

You really don't and if your DC dad wants to run around to be with his PITA DM that's up to him!

I wouldn't be "popping in" at all. Why are you even doing it when she's been so horrible to you? Vile witch. Let DH take baby on his own.

I hope you've put your family and friends straight, and told them all why you don't want to visit.

Noone who doesn't have a good relationship with me gets one with my kids

I get this if people are genuinely toxic or unsafe for your dc to be around, and that may be the case with the MIL here.

Otherwise though, just not getting on with someone is not a valid reason to deprive your children who are their own people, not you, of a relationship with a close relative. I do strongly think though that in most cases where someone values seeing dc, they will make an effort to get on with their mother for obvious reasons.

I don't see why, unless there is a huge backstory, the visits should be up to you OP. Why cannot your DH arrange contact without you being involved?

I have a MIL like this. I made lots of effort when on maternity leave. She NEVER came to my house. She 'doesnt like motorways' and I am 'selfish' because I live far away (40 mins). Since I went back to work, I stopped making the effort, she doesnt make any effort, so she sees DD maybe once a month. She complains about me a lot, saying I 'push her away' because I dont visit. She doesnt complain about DH funny enough, just me.

For context, I moved country to be with DH, leaving my family behind. My parents see my DD every 2 months outside covid, once in 9 months this year. My mother LIVES for seeing her GD. She would give anything to be in my MILs position. My Mother never complains, and she has serious reason to.

Having access to your GDs IS a privilege, and not one that everyone gets. This woman needs to cop on, get in her car, and make an effort. Its not your job OP. I imagine if your MIL is anything like mine, it wouldnt matter anyway, she would find something to hate you for anyway.

Don’t give into emotional blackmail. If someone complained I think I’d be inclined to see them less. It’s not on.

Otherwise though, just not getting on with someone is not a valid reason to deprive your children who are their own people, not you, of a relationship with a close relative.

I wouldn’t really agree with this. Someone who is toxic, will be toxic to your kids and stress you out. Of course, sometimes it is very hard to see who is being the ‘bad guy’, or sometimes it is dynamics. However there are some family members who are pretty manipulative - and will undermine a parent out of clannishness and spite. It is not healthy for a kid, who is vulnerable to be forced into that manipulation.