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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil has been complaining about me

106 replies

Mummyofmay2020 · 07/09/2020 22:30

Mil treated me pretty badly until i recently gave birth - now she is civil after she realised dh will enforce boundaries if she tries to overstep and also because she wants to see LO more often. However I've never had an apology and never will as she's that kind of person who will not even acknowledge her behaviour. I've accepted this and know that we will never be besties but i will always show general respect and see her on family occasions etc as she is dh's mum. However she has now started complaining to my aunt that i dont let her see baby enough or make an effort to go over and that shes sad not seeing baby often enough. Very much painting herself as a victim and me as the selfish dil. She will prob do to this with other family members of mine or friends whenever she gets the opportunity. For context I last took baby over about 2-3 weeks ago and would probably pop in once every few weeks. Is this enough? Should it be more? I know i shouldnt hold onto past but it can be tough when someones never been held accountable for their toxic or nasty behaviour.

OP posts:
SavingShoes · 08/09/2020 08:59

As a parent it is important to set boundaries with your family. Boundaries are a way of caring for your children. You are the parent, you choose how often someone with a negative opinion of you spends time with your child and in what capacity (on their own, with a parent, on zoom only).

unimaginativeusernamehere · 08/09/2020 09:02

It's up to your husband to facilitate the relationship between his mother and his child. He can arrange how often he would like to see his mum with the baby.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 08/09/2020 09:04

I really don’t understand why it is on the mum to take children to their grandparents. I would never have visited my ex in laws without exDH - it would have been excruciatingly awkward - even the nice side as we had nothing in common. It was up to exDH to take them, which he was free to do as and when he wanted to.

It’s not on you OP - it’s up to DP to facilitate this.

faithfulbird · 08/09/2020 09:08

For your own mental health, ignore ignore ignore. If anyone ever mentions it to you laugh it off...

IceCreamSummer20 · 08/09/2020 09:12

@Inkpaperstars oh I see what you mean then, sorry I wasn’t aware that you also acknowledged when someone is toxic. I had a situation where my SIL and MIL were attacking me through my DS, and undermining me. DS has SN and is easily manipulated. I’d have always been of the ‘the child should have good relationships with the in laws no matter whether we as adults don’t get on’ - until that experience! I was leaving Ex at the time so had little control but started to be quite vocal that it wasn’t any good for DS and I eventually had to insist on contact be minimized.

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/09/2020 09:14

Why is the aunt reporting this back to you? Ignore.

IntermittentParps · 08/09/2020 09:19

Why is the aunt reporting this back to you?

Yeah, I don't get this. The aunt needs to either keep her nose out entirely, or tell the MIL to wind her neck in and, if she has any complaints, to take them to you.

Inkpaperstars · 08/09/2020 10:06

Sorry you had to go through that @IceCreamSummer20, that sounds very stressful.

TorkTorkBam · 08/09/2020 10:10

@Porcupineinwaiting

Why is the aunt reporting this back to you? Ignore.
I came on to say exactly this.

Why is Aunty Stirpot stirring?

Tell her to keep her shit stirring to herself.

Same if anyone else comes running to you all squee to report and fuel the DRAMA. Such fun. For them.

Tell them you don't want to know. Tell them it is rude to report other people's conversations behind their backs.

potter5 · 08/09/2020 10:53

I am a grandmother and I go and visit my grandchildren. I do not expect DIL to bring grandchildren to me.

I think I am lucky to be able to see them whenever I want. I always ring beforehand to check its okay though.
There has to be give and take.
All I ever read on here is women moaning about their DILs or MILs. There never seems to be a compromise.
If you are so angry at your DIL or MIL then don't have anything to do with them (but this way you are not facilitating a relationship for your children/grandchildren).
So - what do you do?

Iwonder08 · 08/09/2020 11:07

She is complaining about you to your relatives? I would nip it right in the bud. Ask your MIL directly why did she think it was acceptable way to raise her concerns?

D4rwin · 08/09/2020 11:18

I'd disengage more. If she wants to see more of grandchild let your DH do all the organising. There's no reason for you to take the lead on this.

Laserbird16 · 08/09/2020 11:18

Honestly, it doesn't matter.

Whatever you do the answer from MIL will always be more and it is not enough.

She is a prick who loves drama. I don't quite understand why she is bending the ear of your aunt and then that is getting back to you. Presumably if she'd like to discuss something with you she could talk to you?

She doesn't really care about you or even seeing LO. It's just a compelling plot point in her fantasy as to why you are awful and she is hard fine by.

Let DH deal with her, don't rely on her for anything important and then get her out of your head.

Itsrainingnotmen · 08/09/2020 11:23

Not sure how appropriate a relationship between my dc and someone with zero respect for their dm..
How much of a relationship does dh want between her and dd? Surely he needs to facilitate it to the level he chooses. Not what mil wants.
Being a dgm isn't a right. It is a bloody privilege...

ChickensMightFly · 08/09/2020 11:28

Relationships are two way in reality, not a one-way obligation as she would have it, if she wanted more she should have cultivated it. Her self pity is all the more sad as she is taking exactly what she sowed.
I think your visit frequencies are generous under the circumstances. If anyone comments you just reply that as everyone knows there are two sides to every story and it takes two people to foster a relationship. Leave it at that. They can fill in the blanks themselves. If they are reasonable people they will doubtless see where you are coming from without details (and have probably seen her do similar before). If they are toxic like her they won't, but you can't live your life to the tune of toxic people (unless you want to go mad) so their opinion is irrelevant.
Chin up op, you are staying respectful and showing her to maintain a reasonable level of contact, no more should be reasonably expected.
My DM sees her gc's a while lot less due to distance, she can count herself lucky

ChickensMightFly · 08/09/2020 11:32

Taking = reaping
Showing = allowing.
Auto correct, you are a blessing and a curse. 😁

ClinkyMonkey · 08/09/2020 12:30

It never ceases to amaze me how many women are expected to take responsibility for children seeing PILs. I have a particular issue with this as my DP doesn't drive, so I'm always involved in grandparent visits whether I like it or not (I don't). They don't live very far from us, but it's a long, drawn out journey on public transport. So I drop them all over, have a cup of tea to pass myself and clear off. If DP could drive (there are now medical reasons he can't learn) there is no way on this earth I would be as involved as I am. His parents are dreadful, but the DC love them. I remember my mum traipsing across town with us on 2 buses either way, to visit my dad's family. This was in the seventies and my parents were that bit older, from a generation where women were less inclined to question the fairness or otherwise of this.

Seriously, as other posters have said, let your DH deal with this. It's different when you have a good relationship with your MIL - you might be happy to see her - but if it's out of duty to someone who doesn't even like you, let DH do it.

MsEllany · 08/09/2020 12:38

I would just shrug and say she’s not my mum, not my responsibility to facilitate a relationship. Also, she has a phone presumably - why can’t she call and make arrangements to visit you?

blanchmange50 · 08/09/2020 12:42

Yet another woman who focusses on her DIL rather than her DS. She is not your mother, its your DH job to engage with his own mother, I have never popped to visit my MIL ever with my DC, she does live further away but when DC were small we would likely see her once every couple of months and she would visit us. Step back, leave it to your DH

Crankley · 08/09/2020 19:33

It's easy to see who the MiLs are on here, thinking OP should be visiting her MiL more frequently. Grin

I agree that you should leave it up to your DH if he wants to take the baby to see his mother more often.

TellySavalashairbrush · 08/09/2020 19:45

I’d happily pack dh off to his mum’s with the baby on a regular basis. Use it as an opportunity to have a rest. The novelty will soon wear off for mil.

jessstan2 · 09/09/2020 00:28

I used to like visiting my parents in law, they saw gc regularly, did some school pick ups and holiday care. Same with my mum.

I daresay I was the subject of gossip at times but it wasn't malicious.

PickAChew · 09/09/2020 00:33

You say to your aunt, yeah she's bloody hard work, isn't she.

Osirus · 09/09/2020 01:46

@RedHelenB

How often do your parents see lo?
Not relevant whatsoever. OP is likely to see her own parents more because they are her parents. It’s not always about the baby.

I see my mother 4 times a week. I see my MIL about every two-three weeks. They both live 5 minutes from me (actually on opposite roads).

I see my mum much more because, we’ll, she’s my mum! My MIL, quite frankly, is some random woman I’ve had to take into my life because I married her son. It’s his job to see her; it’s my job to see my mum. I’m sure plenty of DILs actually love seeing their MILs. That’s fine - for them.

You can’t force a relationship where there isn’t one. It has the opposite effect.

Osirus · 09/09/2020 01:52

[quote Alwaysinpain]**@CareBearFan* Visits are a privilege, not a right.*

Are you serious?! A Grandmother getting to see their grandchild is NOT a bloody 'privilege' HmmHmmHmm
A child's right to see and have a relationship with their grandparent is NOTHING to do with whether OP likes or dislikes the woman.

Wow. Most shocking comment I've ever read on here, truly Shock[/quote]
It is a privilege. It’s not a right.

For the grandchild’s sake it’s good to encourage relationships with grandparents. But the grandparents do not have a right to a relationship.