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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil has been complaining about me

106 replies

Mummyofmay2020 · 07/09/2020 22:30

Mil treated me pretty badly until i recently gave birth - now she is civil after she realised dh will enforce boundaries if she tries to overstep and also because she wants to see LO more often. However I've never had an apology and never will as she's that kind of person who will not even acknowledge her behaviour. I've accepted this and know that we will never be besties but i will always show general respect and see her on family occasions etc as she is dh's mum. However she has now started complaining to my aunt that i dont let her see baby enough or make an effort to go over and that shes sad not seeing baby often enough. Very much painting herself as a victim and me as the selfish dil. She will prob do to this with other family members of mine or friends whenever she gets the opportunity. For context I last took baby over about 2-3 weeks ago and would probably pop in once every few weeks. Is this enough? Should it be more? I know i shouldnt hold onto past but it can be tough when someones never been held accountable for their toxic or nasty behaviour.

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 08/09/2020 01:17

Let your dh facilitate any visits, nobody says it's up to you. Be civil if she is at yours and either ignore what she is telling others or set them straight.

Thomasina79 · 08/09/2020 01:31

This woman has no absolute ‘right’ to see your child. You are the mother of your child and as such it is you who decides when she, or anyone else sees him or her. Being with a newborn is difficult enough at the best of times without this sort of pressure. Try not to let her bully you and enjoy your baby as much as you can. Personally I think I would take a back seat as far as the mil is concerned and let her son deal with her, she sounds horrible.

Anordinarymum · 08/09/2020 01:37

Where's the OP then? A pretty ambiguous post about being treated 'pretty badly' but no actual details and no follow up,then all the usual mother in law bashing when nobody has a clue ?

Got to love mumsnet for entertainment of an evening like...

jessstan2 · 08/09/2020 02:00

What did this woman actually do to you? You sound unbelievably precious and your baby is your baby or the baby, not 'baby'.

Inkpaperstars · 08/09/2020 02:13

I wouldn’t really agree with this. Someone who is toxic, will be toxic to your kids and stress you out. Of course, sometimes it is very hard to see who is being the ‘bad guy’, or sometimes it is dynamics. However there are some family members who are pretty manipulative - and will undermine a parent out of clannishness and spite. It is not healthy for a kid, who is vulnerable to be forced into that manipulation.

Yes, I agree Icecream. I did say if someone was really toxic then fair enough. I hadn't thought bout the undermining parents thing but that is a very good point and would be a problem. I guess I really meant...if someone is not really toxic or manipulative then just not getting on with isn't necessarily a good reason, but perhaps a situation like that rarely arises.

Jux · 08/09/2020 02:18

I wouldn't be taking the baby at all. I'd let dh do it and if he didn't do it, well I'm not responsible for that - he is.

That's that. I'd tell anyone who asks that she's treated me like shit and I've no desire to visit her; and that dh is handling that side as they are his family and (presumably) treat him OK.

Minimumstandard · 08/09/2020 02:30

When LO is a bit older, DH can take them on his own. Up to him how often he does that.

jessstan2 · 08/09/2020 02:39

We don't know exactly what the mother in law has done or said which amounts to treating the op badly.

Antipodeancousin · 08/09/2020 03:07

MIL is experiencing the natural consequences of not building a good relationship with you prior to LO being born. Your baby is tiny and reliant on you and therefore goes where you go. When they are older your DH might choose to take grandchild over to visit MIL, that’s his prerogative.

CareBearFan · 08/09/2020 07:28

[quote Alwaysinpain]**@CareBearFan* Visits are a privilege, not a right.*

Are you serious?! A Grandmother getting to see their grandchild is NOT a bloody 'privilege' HmmHmmHmm
A child's right to see and have a relationship with their grandparent is NOTHING to do with whether OP likes or dislikes the woman.

Wow. Most shocking comment I've ever read on here, truly Shock[/quote]
You are clearly easily shocked Grin

Seriously though: do you really think that a grandparent can treat their DIL unpleasantly and still expect her to visit them as frequently as they would like with her baby? Do you think it's perfectly reasonable for them to complain publicly to other family members when she doesn't meet their exacting standards? 'Cos I find that state of affairs a bit shocking tbh.

KatherineJaneway · 08/09/2020 07:32

Why can't she visit you?

SnuggyBuggy · 08/09/2020 07:33

I wouldn't be going out of my way to do something nice for someone who was slagging me off. Get your DH to liaise with her until she can be civil.

LouiseTrees · 08/09/2020 08:13

@BluebellsGreenbells

Once every few weeks is not enough, stop using your LO as a weapon to punish her.

This - because ultimately you are just a baby making vessel and your wants and needs are no longer relevant and you should suffer in silence to facility all other family members happiness.

Kind of but why can’t the mother in law come to her rather than her going to the MIL?
BluebellsGreenbells · 08/09/2020 08:18

Kind of but why can’t the mother in law come to her rather than her going to the MIL?

It’s easier to leave when visiting than having to remove visitors!!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/09/2020 08:22
  1. Stop popping in
  2. Tell your aunt to tell her to stop moaning
  3. Be happy your DH is on side
  4. Ignore posters who think you must freely share your child, time with your first born, with all and sundry
  5. Enjoy your baby
LouiseTrees · 08/09/2020 08:25

@BluebellsGreenbells

Kind of but why can’t the mother in law come to her rather than her going to the MIL?

It’s easier to leave when visiting than having to remove visitors!!

Too true but could easily be like “ we are going out in 2 hours” or something. Just avoids the travel nightmare and means mother in law can’t play the victim if she doesn’t make the effort.
AGoatAteIt · 08/09/2020 08:26

Your child has 2 parents including her son. If your MIL is unhappy with the amount of time she gets to spend with her grandchild she should take it up with her son instead of badmouth you to your family members. Stupid cow.

frazzledasarock · 08/09/2020 08:37

I’d not be visiting anyone who was nasty to me and about me to others.

Leave it to your DH when he is able and willing to take baby to see his mother. Why would you want to give up your time to go visit the poisonous old witch.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/09/2020 08:42

The 'right' amount of time for the baby to spend with MiL is how often the father wants to arrange visits. What's stopping him popping over at weekends etc?

Billben · 08/09/2020 08:43

[quote Alwaysinpain]**@CareBearFan* Visits are a privilege, not a right.*

Are you serious?! A Grandmother getting to see their grandchild is NOT a bloody 'privilege' HmmHmmHmm
A child's right to see and have a relationship with their grandparent is NOTHING to do with whether OP likes or dislikes the woman.

Wow. Most shocking comment I've ever read on here, truly Shock[/quote]
😂 I like how you highlighted NOT 😂

A grandmother seeing their grandchild is not a right either.

If she wants to see her grandchild, she can make the effort of visiting. Or complain about her own son not visiting with her grandchild, not OP.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/09/2020 08:45

There are clearly some Granny Parasites on here today

thegcatsmother · 08/09/2020 08:49

Both my Mum and pils were 3.5 hours drive away from us when we had ds. If they wanted to see him, they could come down to stay, or I would drive up, if I felt like it. There was no set interval for seeing them, as it had to be juggled around the commitments of us all.

I did make sure if I was staying with Mum, that we'd pop round to see pils and vice versa.

frazzledasarock · 08/09/2020 08:49

I have a good relationship with my mil. She is a lovely woman.

I never ever go and ‘pop’ in on her. I usually invite her for Sunday lunch once a month to ours. Other times she asks if she can visit. And we arrange for her to visit.

That’s good enough effort on my part as far as I’m concerned. I’ve got kids and a I WOH, life’s very busy.

My DC know and love their grandmother & have a lovely relationship.

What’s ‘enough’ in terms of visiting extended relatives? Most families have very busy lives. Would love the kind of lifestyle where I could casually pop in on extended family at whim.

BilboBercow · 08/09/2020 08:50

Why is it ops responsibility to facilitate a relationship with her MIL and her baby? Surely this is something for MIL to take up with HER OWN SON who is the father?

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 08/09/2020 08:53

It's your baby so you can see her as often or as little as you want. If she keeps on with the bad mouthing presumably it won't be that often.

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