Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break the "why?" cycle with every child?

179 replies

00100001 · 07/09/2020 16:04

So, I can't stand the "why?" Cycle. Drives me crazy, I refuse to be drawn into it with kids.

Eg
Adult: we have to go home
Kid: why?
Adult: because it's 3
Kid: why?
Adult: because that's the time

Etc as the kid finds it amusing that the adult is getting all flustered and annoyed.

My go to is 'I will only answer proper questions, so ask me again properly'. They occasionally ask me one, maybe two follow up questions.

According to a friend, I'm spoiling the kids fun Confused

OP posts:
ChickenwingChickenwing · 08/09/2020 10:26

@ForeverBubblegum

Each to there own, but I think answer a request for information, with lots of information seems less mean then "because I said so"

It's not one against the other though. There is an in between.

BoyTree · 08/09/2020 10:43

I found this phase really interesting and we all learned things by pursuing the 'why' to its logical (or sometimes absurd) conclusion. 'Shutting down' a child who wants to engage with you, even if it is silly, seems so sad. Perhaps if you change your mindset and try not to find it exasperating, it will be more fun and interesting for you too.

MilkyBarKidd · 08/09/2020 10:49

Newborn age 8.5 weeks. Yesterday he suddenly wouldn't sleep at all during the day (after about 11am) and was awake right up until midnight when he finally conked out! All evening was awake and grizzly and we tried literally everything we could think of.

I'm sure this is completely normal for 8 weeks ( think it's a key moment of brain development?) but does anyone have any tips for managing an over tired baby? Or how I could have supported him better to sleep during the afternoon? We did everything you can think of - rocking, bouncer, cuddling, pram, walk, white noise etc etc last night. In the end he was exhausted!

ForeverBubblegum · 08/09/2020 10:49

True, and if it was a genuine question, it would get a proper answer, but this thread is about how to stop a cycle of why questions.

In the context of the example, this might be because you need to leave at 3, don't have time to answer 50 questions about why you need to leave, and suspect the questions are a delay tactic because the child doesn't want to leave. So assuming you are not able/ willing to engage in a long series of questions and answers, a strategy to end that conversation without ignoring or disregarding what the kid is saying seems logical.

Original poster
00100001 · 08/09/2020 10:49

@zigaziga

See I would have answered that differently.

Put your shoes on please
Why?
Because we're going outside and we need to protect your feet. Sometimes the floor can be wet and dirty and have little stones on that can hurt our feet. That’s why we wear shoes because otherwise our feet will hurt.

Why?
OP posts:
MilkyBarKidd · 08/09/2020 10:49

Sorry wrong thread!

Original poster
00100001 · 08/09/2020 10:50

@BoyTree

I found this phase really interesting and we all learned things by pursuing the 'why' to its logical (or sometimes absurd) conclusion. 'Shutting down' a child who wants to engage with you, even if it is silly, seems so sad. Perhaps if you change your mindset and try not to find it exasperating, it will be more fun and interesting for you too.
Why?
OP posts:
Original poster
00100001 · 08/09/2020 10:52

@ChickenwingChickenwing

I suppose a lot of it depends on how we communicate with them in the first place.

OP example...

Adult: we have to go home
Kid: why?
Adult: because it's 3
Kid: why?
Adult: because that's the time

I am more giving generally with information so would have told my child we had to go home and also explained why at that point.

Maybe something akin these lines... 'right [name], its time to go home now, it's 3pm and we need to be back so mummy can start on making your dinner'

This one is quite sad, it shuts off communication and tells the child the parent has no interest in conversing with them.

"because I said so and that's the end of it

I really do think it's a matter of how you respond. I can't imagine being quite so dismissive with a curious child.

"right [name], its time to go home now, it's 3pm and we need to be back so mummy can start on making your dinner"

Why?

OP posts:
zigaziga · 08/09/2020 10:54

@steppemum I’m not missing the point. I wouldn’t answer my child’s why with a flippant reply to get them to stop talking to me. I take a “why?” as being asked to have a conversation. Ideally you don’t get to the “why?” in the first place because you’ve engaged them in conversation from the off and asked them questions and for their input too (when do you think we should go to the shops? Which shoes do you think you should wear? Etc)

I assume the OP’s example isn’t actually how she would talk to her child but if it is it’s clearly a child that just wants to talk to their Mum more and not have her try to end the conversation at every question:

Original poster
00100001 · 08/09/2020 10:54

@MysteriesOfTheOrganism

This is a child's way of learning deeply about the world and especially about making sense of it. Is there logic, order and reason - or is it all totally random? What is fact and what is opinion? Children need to know this in order to navigate the world. Asking "why" should be encouraged, not suppressed. YABVU!
Why?
OP posts:
BoyTree · 08/09/2020 10:56

Because I enjoy learning new things, and the kids ask questions which seem really obvious when they say them, but are often things I wouldn't have thought to ask myself. And because being exasperated is a waste of energy and embracing the 'why' is more fun.

Original poster
00100001 · 08/09/2020 10:57

@BoyTree

Because I enjoy learning new things, and the kids ask questions which seem really obvious when they say them, but are often things I wouldn't have thought to ask myself. And because being exasperated is a waste of energy and embracing the 'why' is more fun.
Why?
OP posts:
zigaziga · 08/09/2020 10:59

*"right [name], its time to go home now, it's 3pm and we need to be back so mummy can start on making your dinner"

Why?*

Then just take the why as a child that wants to keep talking, surely?

“Because we don’t want to have a very late dinner do we or we won’t have time for all our books before bed time, will we? That would be a shame. What books do you think you want to read before bed? You know which book had always been my favourite? It’s Y...
I was going to make spaghetti bolognese for dinner, what do you think about that?“ and keep going.

It just sounds like you want the child to ask no more questions and just be silent?

BoyTree · 08/09/2020 10:59

Because there are so many things in the world and there are only so many we can learn about, so we may as well start early and cram in as much as possible. There is no downside to learning things IMO.

Oysterbabe · 08/09/2020 11:00

I don't think any one is suggesting a genuinely curious child should be shut down. I'm talking about when they are trying to annoy you and not even listening to your answers, just waiting for you to stop talking so they can say Why again.

Murmurur · 08/09/2020 11:02

OP why what? Phrase them as proper questions (without cheating by cut and pasting) and maybe it'll be worth someone's time to respond.

Murmurur · 08/09/2020 11:02
Grin
ChickenwingChickenwing · 08/09/2020 11:03

@zigaziga

*"right [name], its time to go home now, it's 3pm and we need to be back so mummy can start on making your dinner"

Why?*

Then just take the why as a child that wants to keep talking, surely?

“Because we don’t want to have a very late dinner do we or we won’t have time for all our books before bed time, will we? That would be a shame. What books do you think you want to read before bed? You know which book had always been my favourite? It’s Y...
I was going to make spaghetti bolognese for dinner, what do you think about that?“ and keep going.

It just sounds like you want the child to ask no more questions and just be silent?

Good god no I do not want my child to be silent. That's quite a stretch even for Mumsnet to get from 'I would give them more information in the first place' to wanting my child to be silent

I am always communicating with my children. I don't every shit them down. I always listen and I always answer. Some of the comments on here are really dismissive, pleas don't assume I am because i said I would give more in the first place.

ChickenwingChickenwing · 08/09/2020 11:03

I don't SHUT them down Blush

BoyTree · 08/09/2020 11:04

I'm talking about when they are trying to annoy you and not even listening to your answers, just waiting for you to stop talking so they can say Why again.

As I say to my two - if someone is trying to annoy you, then don't give them what they want! If you don't get annoyed and just answer them as though it is a genuine question, then they will probably learn something by accident which is a win in my book.

Original poster
00100001 · 08/09/2020 11:07

@BoyTree

Because there are so many things in the world and there are only so many we can learn about, so we may as well start early and cram in as much as possible. There is no downside to learning things IMO.
Why?
OP posts:
BoyTree · 08/09/2020 11:07

and @00100001, since you are clearly an amateur and not quick enough to be annoying (or possibly you've got a job or something - it's not for me to speculate!), I'll give you the next one for free Grin:

Why?

Because your brain is designed to learn things, but it's better at growing and stretching when you're young, so asking 'why' as a child is literally helping you to grow your brain so that you have more neural pathways to draw on as you get older.

Original poster
00100001 · 08/09/2020 11:08

@BoyTree

and *@00100001*, since you are clearly an amateur and not quick enough to be annoying (or possibly you've got a job or something - it's not for me to speculate!), I'll give you the next one for free Grin:

Why?

Because your brain is designed to learn things, but it's better at growing and stretching when you're young, so asking 'why' as a child is literally helping you to grow your brain so that you have more neural pathways to draw on as you get older.

Why?
OP posts:
steppemum · 08/09/2020 11:08

[quote zigaziga]@steppemum I’m not missing the point. I wouldn’t answer my child’s why with a flippant reply to get them to stop talking to me. I take a “why?” as being asked to have a conversation. Ideally you don’t get to the “why?” in the first place because you’ve engaged them in conversation from the off and asked them questions and for their input too (when do you think we should go to the shops? Which shoes do you think you should wear? Etc)

I assume the OP’s example isn’t actually how she would talk to her child but if it is it’s clearly a child that just wants to talk to their Mum more and not have her try to end the conversation at every question:[/quote]
but the OPs replies weren't flippant. They answered the question.

Doesn't matter if the reply is short or long, or how much you have talked first, with some children, they just keep asking why? why? why? to Whatever you say,

They mostly don't even mean why. Often they just mean that they want to keep talking, but some kids do just keep saying why?

zigaziga · 08/09/2020 11:09

@ChickenwingChickenwing oh yes that wasn’t in response to you it was in response to the OP who used your example and said her child would just say “why?” to it. I think we’re generally on the same page.

The OP however seems to want to have some kind of answer to “why?” that ends the conversation stone cold whereas I just think that’s the wrong approach.