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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To break the "why?" cycle with every child?

179 replies

00100001 · 07/09/2020 16:04

So, I can't stand the "why?" Cycle. Drives me crazy, I refuse to be drawn into it with kids.

Eg
Adult: we have to go home
Kid: why?
Adult: because it's 3
Kid: why?
Adult: because that's the time

Etc as the kid finds it amusing that the adult is getting all flustered and annoyed.

My go to is 'I will only answer proper questions, so ask me again properly'. They occasionally ask me one, maybe two follow up questions.

According to a friend, I'm spoiling the kids fun Confused

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 08/09/2020 08:08

It's very annoying but also very important. My DS never really did the why stage and I was pleased (at the time) but now he doesn't ask me anything, if he's curious about anything he keeps it to himself which makes me sad and it's despite my trying to draw him out with questions and conversation. my friends child was a constant why why why and she tried her best to answer him well most of the time. He's a very curious and open child and asks lots of intelligent questions and will have discussions with her. I do think that's linked to the why phase 🤷‍♀️

HavelockVetinari · 08/09/2020 08:45

DS (3) is a Why-bird at the moment, I think it's cute! If it goes on too long I ask him "I don't know, what do you think?" which produces mainly puzzlement but occasionally some outstanding imaginative answers.

LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE · 08/09/2020 08:49

Entirely depends on the point of the why.

"Why do I have to put my shoes on?" - "Because it is wet outside."

"Why do I have to put my clothes away?" - "Because I have asked you to." (And no negotiation thereafter.)

"Why don't germs have eyes?" - this one ended up being a 10 minute explanation.

Peony9876 · 08/09/2020 08:52

I have a 9 year old with autism and learning disabilities and he has never once asked me a why question. Please do embrace it, curiousity about the world is a good thing.

zigaziga · 08/09/2020 08:52

@AlwaysLatte yes and I always think it must be so confusing for a child that sometimes we leave when we feel like it or at an arbitrary time (like going to the park), sometimes we leave at a roughly specific time but with some leeway (like visiting a friend) and sometimes we need to leave very precisely.
I also found it annoying when my parents thought I was being cheeky or laughed at my questions when I just wanted to understand.

steppemum · 08/09/2020 08:54

I used to reply with - Why do you think?

It works quite well, and sometimes lead to interesting comments/conversations.

The Why? is really about wanting to continue the conversation.

Or, on a bad day, I just ignored it, or just said Why? straight back to them. Which confused them and gave us 5 minutes peace

Bumply · 08/09/2020 08:55

When I moved to Scotland and had children it used to drive me mad when they didn't ask "Why?" but "How?"
I had to convert it in my head to "How come?" to be able to deal with it.
I'm agree there's a big difference between "why is grass green?" type questions and "why do I have to do what you're asking?"

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/09/2020 08:58

I've been recruiting recently and it is so hard to find people with truly enquiring minds and proper professional curiosity (absolutely crucial in my field), maybe they were told 'because I said so' too many times. Surely when it gets to the limit 'i don't know why don't you find out for me/why don't we find out together' is a better response for children older than toddlers.

Enko · 08/09/2020 09:02

I always used to reply "Why do you think? Forcing them to think and formulate the answer it also stopped the why why why for no reason

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/09/2020 09:06

“Why do you ask why?” is the comeback I’ve used.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 08/09/2020 09:13

"because y has got a very long tail" (normally said on the fifth consecutive why or more)

ForeverBubblegum · 08/09/2020 09:24

I answer the question, fully and accurately, they soon get bored. So following on from your example

Adult - because it's 3
Kid - why?

Me - well, we have a system of telling time based on how the sun appears to move across the sky. Of course it's not really moving, it's actually the earth that orbits the sun, but from our perspective it looks like it moves. Mid day is defined as the point in the day when the sun is directly overhead, so there wouldn't be a shadow from a vertical wall.

The time between two mid-days is one day, which we split into 24 equal chunks of time called hours, and we number them 1-12 before mid-day, called am, and 1-12 after mid-day called pm. It is currently 3 hours past mid-day, which is the time we need to leave so we can collect your sister, let's go.

Kid - (slightly confused) ok

ChickenwingChickenwing · 08/09/2020 09:29

@ForeverBubblegum

I answer the question, fully and accurately, they soon get bored. So following on from your example

Adult - because it's 3
Kid - why?

Me - well, we have a system of telling time based on how the sun appears to move across the sky. Of course it's not really moving, it's actually the earth that orbits the sun, but from our perspective it looks like it moves. Mid day is defined as the point in the day when the sun is directly overhead, so there wouldn't be a shadow from a vertical wall.

The time between two mid-days is one day, which we split into 24 equal chunks of time called hours, and we number them 1-12 before mid-day, called am, and 1-12 after mid-day called pm. It is currently 3 hours past mid-day, which is the time we need to leave so we can collect your sister, let's go.

Kid - (slightly confused) ok

The child isn't asking why it is 3 though. They are asking why they have to go because it is 3.

'We have to get back in time for dinner' is an adequate answer.

00100001 · 08/09/2020 09:39

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE

Entirely depends on the point of the why.

"Why do I have to put my shoes on?" - "Because it is wet outside."

"Why do I have to put my clothes away?" - "Because I have asked you to." (And no negotiation thereafter.)

"Why don't germs have eyes?" - this one ended up being a 10 minute explanation.

Yes but the Why Cycle would actually go

Put your shoes in please
Why?
Because we're going outside
Why?
Because we need to go to the shops.
Why?
Because we need food.
Why?
Because otherwise we'll go hungry
Why?
Because humans need to eat
Why?
Because we'll die otherwise
Why?
Because the body will exhaust itself
Why?
Because that's what happens when bodies aren't fed
Why?
Etc etc etc etc

Argh!!!!

OP posts:
zigaziga · 08/09/2020 09:47

See I would have answered that differently.

Put your shoes on please
Why?
Because we're going outside and we need to protect your feet. Sometimes the floor can be wet and dirty and have little stones on that can hurt our feet. That’s why we wear shoes because otherwise our feet will hurt.

zigaziga · 08/09/2020 09:50

Alternatively I would have done

Right, we talked about going to the shops. Are you ready? What do we need? Do you think you need your coat today? Hm no you’re probably right, it’s not too cold, let’s leave it. Which shoes do you think? Your boots or your trainers, it’s up to you.

twoshedsjackson · 08/09/2020 09:50

"SuperCaliFragalistic" - I agree about the "no it isn't" phase. I "fondly" remember the memory of the most argumentative child I ever taught; I suspect that he grew into the sort of adult who could start an argument in an empty room.
He asked the perfectly reasonable question about the naming of the classes; like many schools, it was the year number, plus the teacher's initials eg 3TJ. So I explained that it was my initials. Naturally he knew my surname, but not my first name, so he asked me what it was. It's unusual, but not way out. I didn't mind telling him, but was stumped by his stout contradiction. I pointed out to him that I had the advantage over him of having attending the christening, but was mildly baffled that he would think I'd bother to lie about it.

hungrywalrus · 08/09/2020 09:50

If you carry on for long enough, it usually ends up as ‘physics’ or ‘geography’ or ‘I don’t know, let’s google it.’ I find it great fun. Just ask them what they think.

ForeverBubblegum · 08/09/2020 09:53

"We have to get back for dinner" would be an adequate answer, but I'm not trying to 'just' answer the question, as that will lead to more "why?"

My strategy is to overload them with information all at once instead of giving 50 short answers. If they did ask a fellow up why I would branch into the use of time to navigate or how the passage of time could be effected by gravity or light speed travel.

They very rearly as why more than once or twice.

littledrummergirl · 08/09/2020 10:02

I played the why game with Ds1 for half an hour once. I wanted to see how far it would go. He's now an adult at University and getting answers to his why questions.
I think it's great that they want to learn and when they are three they think you know everything.

ThatDamnScientist · 08/09/2020 10:05

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's their way of finding out information, exerting their limited power and learning about how language works. I quite enjoyed it. Thinking up imaginative answers.
This ^^
toomuchtooold · 08/09/2020 10:14

Depends if it's a 2-3 year old using one of their newly-acquired bits of language to learn more about their world or an older kid trying to make your head fall off. Although even older kids sometimes use those sort of formulaic questions to get you to chat. I always have to remind myself that questions like "who's your favourite My Little Pony" or "do you think a bear is stronger than a wolf" can usually be answered with "What do you think?" and they're perfectly satisfied with that. Thank god. No, I don't know whether I would prefer a tomato flavoured chocolate to a chocolate flavoured tomato, DD2, and if you ask me in the supermarket, I'm going to forget what I was in there for!

steppemum · 08/09/2020 10:14

@zigaziga

See I would have answered that differently.

Put your shoes on please
Why?
Because we're going outside and we need to protect your feet. Sometimes the floor can be wet and dirty and have little stones on that can hurt our feet. That’s why we wear shoes because otherwise our feet will hurt.

I think you are missing the point.

As soon as you said all that, the reply would be

Why?

It doesn't even have to make sense, the answer is always why?

ChickenwingChickenwing · 08/09/2020 10:16

My strategy is to overload them with information all at once instead of giving 50 short answers.

You have a 'strategy' to overload a young child with information Sad

ForeverBubblegum · 08/09/2020 10:21

Each to there own, but I think answer a request for information, with lots of information seems less mean then "because I said so"

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