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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SC and my DC - AIBU

118 replies

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 15:46

I've realised recently that my husband is pretty rubbish at doing anything with the kids. We do nothing fun with them. We don't go on holidays because he's always working, we rarely go anywhere at the weekend because he's always tired from working and I just think the time we spend with his kids is incredibly boring.

I made an effort to begin with to do things myself with them but I realised that I was excusing him from ever making any effort himself so I stopped and just do things on my own now with friends or family.

I was naive, this has all come to me pretty recently and since I've been expecting a child of my own.

I've been thinking recently what I'll do when our DC comes and tbh I'm not happy with doing things the way we do now.

I want to take our DC on holidays, I want them to have fun on weekends or in school holidays (when that time comes), I don't want to sit in every weekend playing games whilst dad naps because he's so tired.

I've decided that when our DC is here (and is old enough), I'm just going to do things with them myself. This will likely mean me doing them alone without DH and SC. I don't want to be in a position where I feel like I have to take all the children every where I go because DH never will.

AIBU to think that whilst occasionally is fine, on the whole, my SC are not my children to entertain whilst DH does nothing fun with them and to just sort myself and my DC out with holidays and days out etc... If DH can't be arsed.

OP posts:

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 15:53

I feel guilty because it would likely mean me leaving to do things with my DC whilst SC stay at home with DH. Like what if they ask to go or be included in whatever we are doing?

I don't want to constantly be taking my SC everywhere I go on my own though. I feel like saying they are welcome so long as DH, their parent, comes too. And if he won't or can't, then unfortunately I'll have to take our DC and no one else.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 07/09/2020 15:57

How often are your SC with you or do they live with you full time?

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 15:58

50:50

OP posts:

ArnoJambonsBike · 07/09/2020 15:58

Seems fair enough to me. You would be leaving them to spend time with their parent, which im sure is what contact time is for.

Cocomarine · 07/09/2020 15:59

I think it’s really sad that you’ve just resigned yourself to a shit parenting life with your husband. (I’m guessing the marriage isn’t all that either tbh but you’ve only said your expectations for his parenting)

Isn’t the first step to tell him your expectations?

This won’t happen for some time as you’re only pregnant, but yes - it will be really shit for his kids if you’re off doing fun stuff with your child and they’re stuck at home. It will be awful for their relationship too. A lifelong good relationship with a half sibling is worth far more than a few soft play trips and a swimming session.

Talk to him.
Then put your foot down with him.
Then at the very least plan your best fun stuff so it’s not on contact days when the poor neglected under class aren’t stuck at home imagining their sibling’s fun!

AryaStarkWolf · 07/09/2020 16:00

@BakerStreetDrew

50:50

How many SC do you have and what ages are they etc? Agree with a PP though that maybe he would feel like he has to do something other than sit around if he's left alone with them, might be the kick up the arse he needs

TweeBree · 07/09/2020 16:01

Imagine your stepmom taking your half sibling out for treats and days out, while you are stuck at home with your shit dad. Not stepmom's fault, but you'd be hurt.

lyralalala · 07/09/2020 16:02

Having children who live in your house half of the time treated so differently is terrible - so why would you even consider staying with a man who is likely to sit on his arse and let that happen? Why would you want to live like that (because you're likely to feel guilty even though you are right that your SC aren't your responsibility)?

Why are you staying with someone who you know is going to be a shit father to your child?

VeniceQueen2004 · 07/09/2020 16:04

Well I think YABU to only care that he's a crappy father now you've got a child of your own on the way for him to neglect. Didn't this put you off him before you got pregnant by him?

I also think YWBU to suddenly pull out all the stops to amuse your own child when you were perfectly happy to do buggerall with your step-children. If the was an EOW arrangement that would be one thing but they are with you half the time, you are a parent figure to them - by choice - so you have a responsibility to them. Obviously it's your DH's responsibility primarily. But you can't act as if you are two seperate families living in the same house; you took on a man with children so you took on his children. Treating them like they matter less than their sibling is really, really, really bad form.

42daystogo · 07/09/2020 16:06

Have you suggested going on holidays or days out and if so what is his reaction? Maybe he'll go along if you organise them? Which i know also isnt fair but is it just sheer laziness on his side?

Sk1nnyB1tch · 07/09/2020 16:06

If your SC are five years or more older than your DC then they probably won't be at home pining for the fun their sibling is having with you. Keep more adventurous days out for the times they are at their mothers but most 7 year olds don't want to go to the toddlers playground, 10 year olds have usually lost interest in soft play etc.
Realistically though if your DH is such a poor parent you will probably have left him by the time this might be an issue.

Chamomileteaplease · 07/09/2020 16:09

Is it possible for him to change job? Seems a shame to spend his life either working or tired from working.

Or is it just an excuse to get out of looking after his kids?

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 16:11

Treating them like they matter less than their sibling is really, really, really bad form

Is it me treating them this way though or their father?

I feel like, unless DH suddenly has a change of heart and decides to join us doing family stuff, my only options are leave, force my child to also have a boring home life so not to be seen as unfair, or take on all the responsibility of making the effort to ensure my SC have a good time. I've tried the third one before and tbh it just pissed me off.

Maybe if SC complained, it may be a kick up the arse for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 16:12

@Chamomileteaplease

Is it possible for him to change job? Seems a shame to spend his life either working or tired from working.

Or is it just an excuse to get out of looking after his kids?

He has his own business.

OP posts:

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 16:15

Isn’t the first step to tell him your expectations

I've told him before that he needs to do more with his kids. And he agrees and then nothing happens because he's just too tired or has to go into work for something or whatever.

I also think we have different ways of thinking when it comes to this. I think it's nice to every now and again take a spontaneous trip to the beach, visit an aquarium, the zoo, a theme park, go camping for a weekend somewhere or whatever. Whereas he'll happily sit in with a film every weekend.

The holiday thing, he's far too busy right now with work to take one apparently. I'm not as bothered about myself but I don't want my child never going anywhere and if that means taking them alone then so be it. My SC go with their mum every year.

OP posts:

lyralalala · 07/09/2020 16:16

@BakerStreetDrew

Treating them like they matter less than their sibling is really, really, really bad form

Is it me treating them this way though or their father?

Maybe if SC complained, it may be a kick up the arse for him.

It'll be you treating them differently and him accepting it.

Both of you will be totally in the wrong. Him more so.

Why would you even want to have a child with a man who doesn't bother with the kids he already has?

And do you want your child growing up to think that's normal? Mum does everything, Dad does fuck all and the half-siblings are ignored on high days and holidays?

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 16:18

So what is the answer if he doesn't change and take responsibility himself? I just do it so it's not unfair?

It's this business if I'm honest, it takes up so much time and energy from him. He didn't have it when we first met. It's such a drain on everything.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 07/09/2020 16:21

YANBU. It’s just not right that you should always have to take his children out too.

As I always say, if a man expects to be able to have a happy successful blended family that includes his first children, then he needs to put in 1000% effort. Not just 20, 50 or even 100. He needs to always want to go that extra mile to make it all work. Not just slob out on the sofa and be satisfied that his partner is constantly entertaining his children instead of him. Not just wing it and hope everything will all work out. A one off, fine. But if the dad is literally doing fuck all to entertain his kids, then why should you do it all for him? Yeah it’s “not the child’s fault”, but how long should you be expected to keep this up for so that he doesn’t have to? That’s not the answer at all.

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 16:23

I also don't think they are 'neglected underclass' either. I'd be more than happy for us all to do things together. I don't want to get into a situation where it's me doing things with all the kids on my own every time though.

They aren't underclass, but they also aren't my children to be solely responsible for. So I do think it's my husband's responsibility to ensure they have a fun time with him.

I'd hope that if they did see us going off and doing fun things it would give H a kick up the arse to join us to avoid upsetting his kids.

I can just see it though, if I did it a few times, it would be taken for granted that I'd do it every time. That's how it got before and I don't want to be in that situation again.

My thoughts were to tell DH that SC are more than welcome but he comes too.

I'm not talking the occasional time. But I don't want it to be a regular thing.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 07/09/2020 16:27

Oh and I eventually kicked my ex out who was like this. Now contact with all of his children including the ones we have together is extremely minimal because of his choice, but at least I can just leave all of the parenting and entertaining of his oldest child between him and ex now without being made to feel like I should be playing martyr stepmum and doing it all for him.

BrieAndChilli · 07/09/2020 16:28

How old are the SC???
I assume they are at least 5ish? They won’t want to do baby things, and then toddler things and then by the time yours is 5 they will be 10 etc so probably won’t want to do the things you are doing anyway.

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 16:30

@BrieAndChilli

How old are the SC??? I assume they are at least 5ish? They won’t want to do baby things, and then toddler things and then by the time yours is 5 they will be 10 etc so probably won’t want to do the things you are doing anyway.

You are possibly right. I guess the biggest thing would be like holidays really.

They are both under 10.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2020 16:30

Tbh I just take from this how incredibly foolish you have been to fall pregnant to a man who is so open about how shit he is as a dad.

I'd cut and run, and do this as a lone parent. Having someone around who does fuck all is worse than having no-one around.

lyralalala · 07/09/2020 16:32

@BakerStreetDrew

So what is the answer if he doesn't change and take responsibility himself? I just do it so it's not unfair?

It's this business if I'm honest, it takes up so much time and energy from him. He didn't have it when we first met. It's such a drain on everything.

You have to choose. You either join in the poor treatment of your step-children and show your child a bizarre way of life with days out and holidays that their father and siblinga never participate in or you tell him it has to change or you'll walk (and mean it)

LaurieFairyCake · 07/09/2020 16:35

He's a shit husband and you already know he's a shit father

Leave - you already know you can do this alone

If he wants to prioritise work then at least you can afford by getting him to pay child support to look after your own child

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