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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SC and my DC - AIBU

118 replies

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 15:46

I've realised recently that my husband is pretty rubbish at doing anything with the kids. We do nothing fun with them. We don't go on holidays because he's always working, we rarely go anywhere at the weekend because he's always tired from working and I just think the time we spend with his kids is incredibly boring.

I made an effort to begin with to do things myself with them but I realised that I was excusing him from ever making any effort himself so I stopped and just do things on my own now with friends or family.

I was naive, this has all come to me pretty recently and since I've been expecting a child of my own.

I've been thinking recently what I'll do when our DC comes and tbh I'm not happy with doing things the way we do now.

I want to take our DC on holidays, I want them to have fun on weekends or in school holidays (when that time comes), I don't want to sit in every weekend playing games whilst dad naps because he's so tired.

I've decided that when our DC is here (and is old enough), I'm just going to do things with them myself. This will likely mean me doing them alone without DH and SC. I don't want to be in a position where I feel like I have to take all the children every where I go because DH never will.

AIBU to think that whilst occasionally is fine, on the whole, my SC are not my children to entertain whilst DH does nothing fun with them and to just sort myself and my DC out with holidays and days out etc... If DH can't be arsed.

OP posts:

averythinline · 07/09/2020 17:06

its a shame for his dc he's a shit dad.... but you have the opportunity to not be the same to your DC -

Personally doing stuff and trying things are important to me and DC having options of trying dif restuarants/days out quick trips here and there etc.... even though my dh was not necessarily child orientated - he would not want to do the same thing all the time as a person so did not do it with DC...
I think if you are going to salvage a relationship and the sort of family life you are talking about you need to think about why you got together with him... surely when you were dating /before marriage you did stuff together or did stuff with him and his kids ...you didnt just sit in front of the tv/eat macdonalds....

if so why has that all stopped? can that be changed? is he likely to change ..not necessarily back to orginal dating part of relationship but to more than just McD and tv life

I would not want the life you describe for me and my dc so unless something changed I would probably leave as think it would be much crueler to do this in front of his other DC- irrespective of their ages/interests.... and you are definetly not responsible for his DC

I think you need a frank and open discussion with him on whats important and what will need to happen to make that happen...

Soubriquet · 07/09/2020 17:06

It’s a shame it’s come to this but maybe it will give him the kick up to arse to finally make that effort

Notfeelinggreattoday · 07/09/2020 17:07

Is this the life you want for you and your child , holidays alone and never aa a family ?
Could your husband get some help with business to free up some time
What hrs does he work ? Are they actually very long

funinthesun19 · 07/09/2020 17:11

Okay. So I've agreed with you that the best option is to leave if I don't want this.

Yes definitely. Because while you are waiting for him to change you’ll still be expected to keep everyone happy. And then when he doesn’t change the cycle will just start again and again and you’ll be accepting a life where you are parenting his first children for him.

JenniferSantoro · 07/09/2020 17:14

They are with you 50/50 but you never do anything with them, but you will with your own child.
That’s probably the best way to go about making the step children feel like they’re being treated differently, and aren’t really family.
I speak from experience of growing up with a step parent/birth parent set up. They went onto to have a child themselves. He was like the prodigal son. Me and my older sister were treated very differently.
Your post is actually quite sad. If you’re going to have kids with someone who has kids, who you have for half of the time, it’s absolutely horrible of you and your partner to just not do anything with them.
What you’re describing is no blended family at all. His children deserve better than that.

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 17:14

@Soubriquet

It’s a shame it’s come to this but maybe it will give him the kick up to arse to finally make that effort

This was my initial thinking. To give him a nudge to join because he sees I'm not just going to sit there and be the same way.

OP posts:

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 17:19

@JenniferSantoro

They are with you 50/50 but you never do anything with them, but you will with your own child. That’s probably the best way to go about making the step children feel like they’re being treated differently, and aren’t really family. I speak from experience of growing up with a step parent/birth parent set up. They went onto to have a child themselves. He was like the prodigal son. Me and my older sister were treated very differently. Your post is actually quite sad. If you’re going to have kids with someone who has kids, who you have for half of the time, it’s absolutely horrible of you and your partner to just not do anything with them. What you’re describing is no blended family at all. His children deserve better than that.

I don't think this is strictly fair actually.

I have made an effort. A lot of effort actually. I was the only one who ever did anything with them, played games, took them places etc etc... I stopped because I was being taken the piss out of and excusing their father from ever doing so himself.

I don't just want to do things with my own DC. I want my SC there, I don't have a problem with that. What I have a problem with is me being expected to pick up the slack and responsibility of doing so and their parent getting away with doing nothing at all.

I don't want to be taken the piss out of. I am more than happy for SC to be included in everything I do. But that should include DH imo and not just fall to me every time like it did before.

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/09/2020 17:23

I take it there are other issues in your relationship OP? Because it seems very drastic to have your child growing up split between two households because of what is essentially a difference in parenting styles, one where you could still be in control of what happens regarding your own child. Not everyone believes in "entertaining" their children and you've said in your posts that you find the time you spend with his kids incredibly boring, but that they are happy. Is he swanning off working whilst you babysit?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/09/2020 17:24

That's a really horrible family dynamic and if you don't address it now you're going to set all the kids up for an unpleasant childhood.

Could you go for counselling? Singly or jointly?

buildingbridge · 07/09/2020 17:25

I don't understand why everyone is being harsh to the OP. She had a child with someone who didn't appear to be a good parent to their own DC's. We all make mistakes.

OP, I think you sound like a nice step mum, you are concerned about your DH not taking your SC out as often. It's ridiculous. My ex was like this. I hated it. In all honestly, it does not get better and he will likely do the same to your child when he/she is born. Think hard and consider if this relationship is something you want long term...

wizzbangfizz · 07/09/2020 17:28

Why have you had a child with a man who has shown his parenting style to be one you don't want or believe is right?

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 17:32

I'm not sure what posters want me to say about me having a child. I got pregnant, it happened, there's nothing I can do about it now is there (or would do even if I could).

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2020 17:35

You seem open to leaving as the alternatives are crap so I’d crack on with that. How pregnant are you?

While step parenting has many challenges, one of the benefits is you get to see your spouse/partner parenting real life children before deciding to have a shared one. There are lots of women who imagine their DH will be a wonderful father who are shocked to discover he’s a selfish arsehole who chooses not to be involved. That’s not the case here. You haven’t just realised he’s hands off, lazy and selfish, you knew he was leaving it to you and you stepped back. At some point after that you decided to have a baby with him. Too late now but just why? You knew exactly what he was like! I’m a step mum, I’m hugely sympathetic to others and the struggles they face. But tbh I’m having a hard time here since you’d already stepped back as you could see what a shit job he was doing and then purposely got pregnant by him and now you’re planning to leave him. Don’t get me wrong, you absolutely should. But own your rather daft choices. Weekend activities and holidays in years to come aren’t the real issues are they. You’ve chosen a proven loser as a sperm donor. That’s pretty shit for your child.

funinthesun19 · 07/09/2020 17:40

I'm not sure what posters want me to say about me having a child. I got pregnant, it happened, there's nothing I can do about it now is there (or would do even if I could).

Hey I’ve got an idea everyone.

Why don’t we question amongst ourselves why his ex had a child with him if he’s clearly lazy? She’s a stupid woman isn’t she? Or is it only ok to throw the op rude questions about her reproductive choices?

funinthesun19 · 07/09/2020 17:41

Oh no wait a minute, the ex wife had TWO children with him! What was she thinking???

Codexdivinchi · 07/09/2020 17:42

It’s really hard when your have your own buisness. It can be consuming and physically and mentally draining especially when people are counting on you. When you come home sometimes you just want to zone out and not have to do anything and it’s hard to get out of that rut.

Dh and I have our own businesses. I’m fucked most of the time.

If you want to go on holiday just book it. Once the date is set and deposits paid ect.. he will organise his shit.

Plan one family outing a month - even if it’s a picnic in the park/zoo/Sunday lunch out that you insist he goes on. Make every one aware that on that date you are doing X,Y,Z and dad is coming.

For the rest of the time if you see places you want to visit - go. Not all places will be the same. Some will be baby focused, so go with mum friends and your dc, some will be family focused eg, zoo so take all the family, some will be a trip to the park so take the kids and leave dh at home, some will be your adult friends - so leave all kids and dh at home

Don’t go in to this expecting a battle and to start creating divides. You knew he had kids before this.

It’s hard running your own business

Soubriquet · 07/09/2020 17:42

@BakerStreetDrew

I'm not sure what posters want me to say about me having a child. I got pregnant, it happened, there's nothing I can do about it now is there (or would do even if I could).

Thing is OP you knew what he was like before you even got pregnant.

This is something you should have discussed and sorted before pregnancy became an option

Either way, you’re pregnant now

Thingsdogetbetter · 07/09/2020 17:43

Before baby comes, I'd be pumping them full of sugar and leaving them with their father for a couple of whole long weekends. Prime the SC about the zoo/circus etc and say your father might take you if you ask him and legging it out the door! Leaving him in charge for a couple of hours when you see friends isn't enough for reality to hit him. The sc need to be hyper and bored enough to really really pester him. They 'nagging' needs to come from.them, not you.

funinthesun19 · 07/09/2020 17:47

Thing is OP you knew what he was like before you even got pregnant.

So did his ex when she had baby number 2, and most likely baby number 1 too. Because if you’re lazy you’re lazy. So she knew too. If you’re going to lay in to the op then the ex is just as bad isn’t she?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 07/09/2020 17:47

@TweeBree

Imagine your stepmom taking your half sibling out for treats and days out, while you are stuck at home with your shit dad. Not stepmom's fault, but you'd be hurt.

In which case it’s up to their actual parents to sort it out. The op has the options of telling her dh ‘I’m taking my kids out today, you’re welcome to join me with yours’. Or she could tell the kids that this is their private time with their dad. Or even tell the step kids I’m taking x and X out today, find out if your dad wants to take you too. It’s true that a new partner needs to accept the kids aswell as their dad, they shouldn’t have to take full responsibility for them though.

makingmammaries · 07/09/2020 17:56

My job is exhausting and the only time recently I’ve been up for doing fun stuff at the weekends was during lockdown. I’m wondering how much you work compared to him, OP?

Original poster

BakerStreetDrew · 07/09/2020 18:00

I work full time.

OP posts:

honeygirlz · 07/09/2020 18:16

Op, maybe by the the time your DC is old enough to do fun things like soft play/peppa pig world etc , the step-children will be teens who won't be interested in those things anyway? And as your child grows older, so will your SDC so they will be interested in different things.

When it comes to things like holidays, you will struggle more. However, if you go on holiday with your family (mum/dad etc) then it may be ok for your SDC, as long as their mum takes them on hols?

If you're going somewhere like Disneyworld then you will have issues as it will be apparent to SDC they're not as lucky as their step-sibling (unless they go with their mum).

So whilst far from ideal, I think it's manageable. And the main thing is that the SDC get contact time with their father.

I do agree with pp that it's sad that you've resigned yourself to a life with a man who won't do anything.

Littlefrog99 · 07/09/2020 18:18

I think you're stuck between a rock and a hard place - damned if you do and damned if you don't. Is the tiredness an excuse? What was he like before he started the business? You said it wasn't always like this.

cabingirl · 07/09/2020 18:20

I suspect you might feel differently when the baby is here. Having your own child and all the needs that come with that change your perspective on lots of things - plus you will possibly feel more of a connection to your SC through your own baby.

I felt as though I loved both my SD before I had my DD but I really felt the bond deepen when I saw them all together as sisters - I felt as though we were really connected as blood family.

Also, think long term - your child has the chance to have a lifetime of relationship with their siblings - and the likelihood is that they will all be around for each other long after you are gone. I wouldn't want to create a long-standing rift or resentment between siblings because they were treated so differently in childhood. Those sorts of feelings can affect people throughout their whole life.

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