SC and my DC - AIBU

[BakerStreetDrew]

I've realised recently that my husband is pretty rubbish at doing anything with the kids. We do nothing fun with them. We don't go on holidays because he's always working, we rarely go anywhere at the weekend because he's always tired from working and I just think the time we spend with his kids is incredibly boring.

I made an effort to begin with to do things myself with them but I realised that I was excusing him from ever making any effort himself so I stopped and just do things on my own now with friends or family.

I was naive, this has all come to me pretty recently and since I've been expecting a child of my own.

I've been thinking recently what I'll do when our DC comes and tbh I'm not happy with doing things the way we do now.

I want to take our DC on holidays, I want them to have fun on weekends or in school holidays (when that time comes), I don't want to sit in every weekend playing games whilst dad naps because he's so tired.

I've decided that when our DC is here (and is old enough), I'm just going to do things with them myself. This will likely mean me doing them alone without DH and SC. I don't want to be in a position where I feel like I have to take all the children every where I go because DH never will.

AIBU to think that whilst occasionally is fine, on the whole, my SC are not my children to entertain whilst DH does nothing fun with them and to just sort myself and my DC out with holidays and days out etc... If DH can't be arsed.

I'm confused OP do you have a dc with him already?

If you don't have your own DC now, I'd recommend you don't have any with him.

FYI: When your child is born those "step" children will become the "half-siblings" of your own precious child. Maybe if you start thinking of them that way you won't feel that doing fun things with them is the same as your lazy husband "taking the piss" out of you.

Also, if you leave your husband and he remarries, your precious will be some other woman's "stepchild". Maybe treat others as you would wish yours to be treated?

I think you husband needs to get a grip! Hes being a pretty shitty father if hes always to tired to do anything with them. If i cant get his finger out because hes ‘to tired’ then he needs to stop working so much and not be as tired so he can actually be a realt dad to his soon to be 3 children.

Your husband sounds a bit depressed if he’s so tired he wants to spend all day on the sofa. I would suggest that from now on he has an early night on a Friday so you can all go out on Saturdays. Sundays can be chill out at home days (unless the weather means you want to swap it round, plan earlier in the week what you’re going to do).

I also work long hours and having a nice day out with some fresh air and fun is more reenergising than slobbing on the sofa.

I wouldn’t consider leaving step kids at home while you go out with your child. I speak as the child of a lazy dad, whose step mum put loads of effort in. 8 years after my dad and step mum divorced, we are still really close, talk every couple of weeks, I see my little brother regularly through her. On the other hand I haven’t seen my dad since last year, and he’s met my youngest child 3 times in nearly 2 years. It can be worth building the relationship with step children.

So did his ex when she had baby number 2, and most likely baby number 1 too. Because if you’re lazy you’re lazy. So she knew too. If you’re going to lay in to the op then the ex is just as bad isn’t she?

Eh? This isn’t about the ex though she hasn’t posted. OP has sat and watched her DP not do anything with his kids. She seen what he was already like.

Any way they ex got rid. Not her problem anymore

GeorgiaGirl52 Of course the op’s child is precious. Have you got a problem with that?

Also, if you leave your husband and he remarries, your precious will be some other woman's "stepchild". Maybe treat others as you would wish yours to be treated?

After the op’s experience, she would probably empathise with any stepmum her child would have because she’s been there done that and knows exactly what it’s like. I know I would.

Eh? This isn’t about the ex though she hasn’t posted. OP has sat and watched her DP not do anything with his kids. She seen what he was already like.
No but people are laying in to the op for exactly the same thing as the ex has done. Had a baby with him. And she had two.

Any way they ex got rid. Not her problem anymore grin

Good and I hope the op does too so she doesn’t have to deal with him and his kids anymore.

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to leave the SC at home with their actual parent. As PP have said they’re there to spend time with him not you. Yes it’s not fair for them but that’s not your responsibility and if your not inclined to take them out you don’t have to. However, you are aware that that is the life your child is going to experience too? A parent who isn’t interested in them, who doesn’t want to go anywhere as a family? Pretty shit for them and you. You might as well be a single parent if your doing everything on your own.

@GeorgiaGirl52

FYI: When your child is born those "step" children will become the "half-siblings" of your own precious child. Maybe if you start thinking of them that way you won't feel that doing fun things with them is the same as your lazy husband "taking the piss" out of you. Also, if you leave your husband and he remarries, your precious will be some other woman's "stepchild". Maybe treat others as you would wish yours to be treated?

You seem to think I dislike my SC or something? I really don't.

This is purely down to DH expecting me to make all the effort while he makes none and leaves his responsibilities to me. It's nothing to do with the children personally or thinking my DC is more previous than they are...

You seem to want to paint me as some awful villain which is fine but it's not the truth. I have made effort, lots of it, I am always kind, I am always welcoming but I don't think me being a good step mother has to equal me continuously picking up my husband's slack with his children, that doesn't make me evil I don't think. I want him to do things with all of us and actually take some responsibility for his own DC and understand that I won't always excuse him of making said effort by doing it for him, that's all.

Every time a SM posts here that she feels all the parenting is left to her, she's always always advised to stop doing it and make her husband step up instead.

And as I've said from the start I'm not talking about the occasional outing. I of course don't mind taking my SC out on my own every now and then. What I don't want is there to be an expectation that I will always do it though.

I also don't get the "step" children becoming my child's half siblings comment. Is it insulting to call them my step children or something? The way you've typed that seems to suggest you think it is. They are my step children though..

@funinthesun19

Eh? This isn’t about the ex though she hasn’t posted. OP has sat and watched her DP not do anything with his kids. She seen what he was already like. No but people are laying in to the op for exactly the same thing as the ex has done. Had a baby with him. And she had two.

Any way they ex got rid. Not her problem anymore grin

Good and I hope the op does too so she doesn’t have to deal with him and his kids anymore.

The ex isn’t on MN complaining though - OP is. Maybe he wasn’t lazy when he was with his ex?

Good and I hope the op does too so she doesn’t have to deal with him and his kids anymore

The OP says she hasn’t got a problem with his kids?? Or do you know something we don’t?

When you get with a man with children you have a real life view on how this man will parent. It’s got nothing to do with ex’s - that’s their business.

YANBU OP. My partners the same tbh. I just book days out for me and mine. He never suggests anything so I just book things. I do ask if he wants to come with his kids but most of the the time it's a no. Or he will say just he will come as they are still quite young and fight/whinge/ cry 'carry me daddy' etc. We have had quite a few days out recently and they have not come on one. Their mother probably thinks we never do anything. I don't feel bad but I think he does. We went abroad and I paid for me and mine (separate finances as do not actually live together, each have own homes but mix between the 2) and he didn't want to fork out for passports and an all inclusive holiday for his kids so they never came. No I do not have kids with him before you ask.

@HermioneGranger20

YANBU OP. My partners the same tbh. I just book days out for me and mine. He never suggests anything so I just book things. I do ask if he wants to come with his kids but most of the the time it's a no. Or he will say just he will come as they are still quite young and fight/whinge/ cry 'carry me daddy' etc. We have had quite a few days out recently and they have not come on one. Their mother probably thinks we never do anything. I don't feel bad but I think he does. We went abroad and I paid for me and mine (separate finances as do not actually live together, each have own homes but mix between the 2) and he didn't want to fork out for passports and an all inclusive holiday for his kids so they never came. No I do not have kids with him before you ask.

Sounds like a keeper ...

She hasn’t got a problem with his kids, but she’s got a problem with feeling like she has to take them out and entertain them. And I bet it doesn’t end there either. So not the kids themselves, but the circumstances surrounding them which their father has created.

Are you the OP ? You seem to know a lot about her situation and what she is feeling.

Maybe he wasn’t lazy when he was with his ex?

Oh yes. Miraculously.

Sorry, I just hate the rude questions that get fired out to stepmums on here about their choices to have a child. It’s so fucking rude.

Are you the OP ? You seem to know a lot about her situation and what she is feeling.

No. I know no more about her situation than you do.

What would happen if you book stuff? A day at a theme park or a restaurant, would he come? My DH is a bit lazy, he has never planned a day out or a holiday, but if I tell him we are doing x,y or z he happily comes along.

@BakerStreetDrew

I haven't necessarily stood by and watched. I've spoken to him about this on several occasions, I initially tried to do lots of things with them myself. But there is only so much I can do when I am not the children's parent. He is there dad, it's his contact time with them, I can't force him to do something he won't and I don't want to continuously pick up his slack either.

I agree with you OP.

I think this says it all, the DSC have two parents who think this is ok.

Parent your DC how you want to OP and cross that bridge when you come to it. As you said DSC are welcome but as it is their Dads contact time he needs to come and join in. Yo ur DC will be 5-10 years younger and into different activities than DSC. So without another parent there, it won't be as much fun . Nothing stopping you taking them with you to park if it works, when you go but i doubt they'll enjoy toddler play dates or play places that are appropriate to their younger step sibling

I suspect it will resolve itself one way or another by then.

Lol at the PPs saying she shouldn't have DC with him knowing he's an disengaged Dad. He wasn't like this when they met & she's already Pregnant! Too late to rechoose father of her baby now!

OP - I don't think you sound like a bad person or a bad stepmum - it sounds like you are making a huge effort to be there for your SC.

And while it may not be fair to you if you can't make your DH step up and help take care of his children with you, if your answer is to treat your DC and your SC significantly differently within your home the ones who will suffer will be your SC and your DC (your DC because they will be the ones who have to live with the possible resentment of their siblings.)

Most children will not be able to be rational about what is happening if they feel their sibling is being treated differently, even though you are right that it's not your responsibility to do everything for your SC when they are in your home.

@funinthesun19

Maybe he wasn’t lazy when he was with his ex?

Oh yes. Miraculously.

Sorry, I just hate the rude questions that get fired out to stepmums on here about their choices to have a child. It’s so fucking rude.

It’s really rude attacking some random ex that hasn’t even posted to complain

Are you with some one who has an ex who you really dislike?

Please choose either parenting your SC exactly the same as your DC or leave. Anything else is spectacularly unfair on all the children.

Agree with @thevassal. Very unreasonable to expect you to supervise 2 kids (I think you said 'both'?) under 10 who aren't yours and a baby on your own on days out. Especially when the baby becomes a toddler and starts moving. Many parents of 2+ kids don't take them on days out to unfamiliar places without the other parent/grandparents being there to help because it's no fun running screaming after them as they scatter in all directions and you try to decide who is in the most danger.

Though I don't think YABU in any case... Your DH needs to step up and parent, including entertaining his kids. By the way, who does the gruntwork when they are with you? Cooking, cleaning after them, laundry, childcare? If it's you, I would make myself scarce for long periods while they are visiting until the baby arrives (visit family etc.) so DH has no choice but to get used to doing this. When the baby arrives, it will be so easy for you to assume the role of general household skivvy and slave because you will be around the house a lot more. You need a strategy to avoid this.

What you could do to preserve your relationship with your DSC (who you say you like) would be to give them 'presents' of a few special days out with you (maybe from the baby)...So tickets to the zoo, theme park, aquarium, then buy drinks and treats etc. Make it clear to them that you like them a lot (and baby does too), but to your DH that your relationship with them is more as an 'auntie' and you have no intention of being the default option.