SC and my DC - AIBU

[BakerStreetDrew]

I've realised recently that my husband is pretty rubbish at doing anything with the kids. We do nothing fun with them. We don't go on holidays because he's always working, we rarely go anywhere at the weekend because he's always tired from working and I just think the time we spend with his kids is incredibly boring.

I made an effort to begin with to do things myself with them but I realised that I was excusing him from ever making any effort himself so I stopped and just do things on my own now with friends or family.

I was naive, this has all come to me pretty recently and since I've been expecting a child of my own.

I've been thinking recently what I'll do when our DC comes and tbh I'm not happy with doing things the way we do now.

I want to take our DC on holidays, I want them to have fun on weekends or in school holidays (when that time comes), I don't want to sit in every weekend playing games whilst dad naps because he's so tired.

I've decided that when our DC is here (and is old enough), I'm just going to do things with them myself. This will likely mean me doing them alone without DH and SC. I don't want to be in a position where I feel like I have to take all the children every where I go because DH never will.

AIBU to think that whilst occasionally is fine, on the whole, my SC are not my children to entertain whilst DH does nothing fun with them and to just sort myself and my DC out with holidays and days out etc... If DH can't be arsed.

Are you with some one who has an ex who you really dislike?

I used to be. I’m probably projecting on this thread a little bit bit too much.

*bit too much

The thing that gets me is how blithely you talk about leaving, when based on past experience you can expect him to apply for (and get) 50/50 custody of your child (not when they're tiny obvs but long term). When he will then mete out the same treatment to them that he does his current children. So your kid will be getting bugger all entertainment for 50% of their life, just so you can feel like you're not getting the piss taken.

I think rather than planning an ostentatious "look how much better a parent I am to MY child than you are to YOUR children, shape up" performance once the child is here, you should have a mature conversation with him about your expectations of family life (would have been a good thing to do before having unprotect sex and "getting pregnant" - I assume accidentally based on the way you describe it but hey ho). And that's family life so includes his current children as well as the child you are pregnant with. You need to insist he raise his game across the board, not just with your kid. It is no less him "taking the piss" leaving you to do everything for your joint child than it is him leaving you to do everything for your step children - it's just shitty lazy parenting whoever he's subjecting to it.

If he won't do that of course you should leave rather than the two of you creating a two tier system of parenting in the family home. That would be completely horrible for the stepkids. But be aware it's not so simple as your kid being better off out of it, because unless you propose not putting him on the birth certificate then he will have a right to shared custody and based in past performance he will pursue that right. So whatever you do, your child still has a shitty father to contend with.

@HermioneGranger20 what do you get out of dating such a useless shitbag? You sound totally contemptuous of him (with good reason!)

I mean, the other angle to this is that, however shit their dad is, the purpose of the kids visiting is to maintain a relationship with him, not build a relationship with the OP. How are they meant to do that if the OP keeps whisking them away from their dad for exciting days out?

I don’t blame you one bit op. You sound like you have done lots of lovely things with your DSC and it must be frustrating to see DH allowing your to carry the burden of responsibility.
Perspective can change a lot when you are expecting your own child and I imagine that is what has happened here. You want the best for your child who can blame you?

I think you may find this easier to resolve than it appears at the moment. If you aren’t happy with how much he commits to parenting your child, you may well be best leaving. If he steps up, doing fun things with all the kids will be fine. If you are doing things with your own little one, the sc may well not be bothered, it sounds like there is quite an age gap and the activities you’ll do with a toddler may well not appeal to the sc anyway

Your step children are both of your responsibilities, however, it's not up to you alone to take them out, entertain them or do anything with them.
When your own child arrives, you need to do what you feel that you should do with your child. If your husband isn't on board , then that's his problem.
The time will come when you want to go to a soft play area or a petting zoo. Your SC won't want to do that as they'll be too old. So you'll have to leave them behind. What will your husband do with them?
Out of interest, what is your husband's job that leaves him with no time for family life and no time to entertain his children?
I'm just wondering if he might be opting out of family time.

@BakerStreetDrew step parents generally get a bad wrap on mumsnet. I dont have SC but I can totally see where you are coming from. Their mum does the entertaining when they are with her. He should do it when they are with him and not leave it to you. I think going out as you suggest a couple of times may kick him into gear. Or at least make the SC complain to him or their mum about his lack of engagement especially as they get older.

I think the age gap with the dc/sdc will naturally mean not much shared interests, especially as the older get their own social lives going.
I respect that the dad is building up his business and just wants to sit around on his day off. Hopefully it will do so well that he can hire someone and take more time off.

Fingers crossed it all works out for you.

It’s funny how people keep confidently saying that with the age gap the SDC won’t want days out when the OP has only said they are under 10 and not how old they are.

How can you comment that they won’t want to go to soft play or the park without knowing how old they are?

@lyralalala I thought the same thing, I was trying to think of places I go that wouldn’t be appropriate for kids 8 years apart and apart from maybe soft play, I can’t think of much that a toddler would like that an older child would rather stay at home than come along to. In fact most of the time my days out are geared towards my eldest and the other two just join in, which they love but wouldn’t have experienced if I didn’t have an older child.

I bet your DH grew up in a boring house where there was no expectation to "do" anything with the kids. Was he expected to make his own fun? I think perhaps there is more pressure on separated families to make the time spent with the kids really amazing. You sound like you like doing fun stuff which is great but some people were brought up to do these things only on a birthday or something.
I think it would be different if he was still with their mother , he could "get away" with being more boring and focusing on his own needs. He needs to adjust to the fact it doesn't work that way in a blended house, not fair on you to take that role.

@lyralalala

It’s funny how people keep confidently saying that with the age gap the SDC won’t want days out when the OP has only said they are under 10 and not how old they are.

How can you comment that they won’t want to go to soft play or the park without knowing how old they are?

Well because if they were under 5, or just generally very young, I assumed OP would have said so when asked. Plus it's a fair assumption, given the time it would have taken for DH to get divorced and OP get pregnant. So by under 10 I assumed 5-9 and am basing not wanting to do the same things on my own family - five years between me and my youngest sister and it was a big enough gap that there were very few overlaps in our interests growing up. So if OPs kid will be three or so before they really appreciate any fun outings, SC could be between 8-12.

From secondary school onwards I didn't want to go anywhere with my family anyway no matter how exciting the proposed outing and used to stay behind on family bike rides or whatever. I can only really maybe think of the beach as something the whole family will enjoy? 9-12 year olds won't want to go to softplay or the local park, but the toddler won't get anything out of Harry Potter world or indoor skiiing or whatever. The older kids will want to watch the latest marvel film at the cinema and not an age appropriate Disney film for four year olds. Even somewhere like a theme park the oldest kids will want to go on the fun rides whereas OP's own baby will be way too young - but the SC will also be too young to go off on their own.

Plus even if the kids were closer in age, then you have the other problem I mentioned, in that OP would be trying to wrangle three under fives, or whatever, so again hard work for one adult.

OP, what are your finances like? Shared? Who paid for the SC when you took them out without him?

For example if I ever suggest we stop off on the way home from somewhere to have a meal with the kids he'll say 'can we not just go McDonald's'. If the cinema is suggested 'can we not just watch a film at home'. Like he doesn't get that sometimes it's just nice for everyone to sit at a table and have a meal or to just get out and do something we don't always do.

We've already established your DH is lazy when it comes to his DC, but this bit suggests he's also heading for the cheap option each time as well.

Do you ever go out as a couple when the DC aren't there? Or does he opt out of that, too?

@lyralalala I said ‘maybe’ I wasn’t confident I knew the kids ages!

I don’t often say this on MN but your marriage is doomed to failure.
He sounds like a deadbeat. I assume the 50:50 is to avoid maintenance?

Your DSC will start to vote with their feet soon.

Having a child is hard work OP.
Having a child with a deadbeat is even harder.

Days out at Soft play are really the least of your worries at the minute. He needs a serious ultimatum. Those poor kids must dread being in a house with such a disengaged father.

Option one - Only take your child out when the SC are with their mother. They don’t get to do anything much 50% of the time.
Option two - split up, potentially end up with 50:50 residency. They don’t get to do anything much 50% of the time.
Option three - carry on and do what you want to do with your child regardless of whether the SC are there on not. Either their father will catch on that he’s not being fair to his children and pull his finger out or he will decide that you are not being fair to his children and make you feel guilty.
I just want to shake the silly man. His children are growing up and he’s missing it and making them miss out too. What will it take to get through to him?