SC and my DC - AIBU

[BakerStreetDrew]

I've realised recently that my husband is pretty rubbish at doing anything with the kids. We do nothing fun with them. We don't go on holidays because he's always working, we rarely go anywhere at the weekend because he's always tired from working and I just think the time we spend with his kids is incredibly boring.

I made an effort to begin with to do things myself with them but I realised that I was excusing him from ever making any effort himself so I stopped and just do things on my own now with friends or family.

I was naive, this has all come to me pretty recently and since I've been expecting a child of my own.

I've been thinking recently what I'll do when our DC comes and tbh I'm not happy with doing things the way we do now.

I want to take our DC on holidays, I want them to have fun on weekends or in school holidays (when that time comes), I don't want to sit in every weekend playing games whilst dad naps because he's so tired.

I've decided that when our DC is here (and is old enough), I'm just going to do things with them myself. This will likely mean me doing them alone without DH and SC. I don't want to be in a position where I feel like I have to take all the children every where I go because DH never will.

AIBU to think that whilst occasionally is fine, on the whole, my SC are not my children to entertain whilst DH does nothing fun with them and to just sort myself and my DC out with holidays and days out etc... If DH can't be arsed.

Of course you shouldn’t do things with your SC, they have 2 parents already and if their father can’t be bothered maybe he shouldn’t have 50:50 time with them

you tell him it has to change or you'll walk (and mean it)

You're right that this is probably going to be my best option.

I've tried before to have a conversation with him about how little fun things he does with them. He's not a bad parent in the sense that he doesn't care for them or do the basic parenting things like take them to school, make their food, wash their clothes all of that basic stuff, he does that I'm not expected to do everything for them in that sense. But in terms of entertainment, it very much falls to me because he just doesn't see the big deal.

Wrongly or rightly I have got to the point where I just think, whatever, if you their dad can't be arsed to do anything fun with them then why should I? And I've just started entertaining myself at weekends with family or friends. But obviously having a DC changes that and it's not the kind of thing I want for them.

I don’t agree that the OP would be doing anything wrong.

They are her husband’s children. They come to spend time with him. If he chooses to do nothing with them, then that is what their time with their father will be like.

The OP cannot and should not compensate for the inadequacies of their father. Trying to do so will ultimately lead to resentment and just lets her DH off the hook.

Why on earth should she care more about their experience of time at their dad’s than their dad? If he doesn’t think they need holidays or days out, then a stepparent’s role is to support the parent’s choices. Anything else is overstepping (MNers would be a over her complaining if she were objecting to their father taking them away on holiday on their own, for example).

As a parent, she can want different things for her own child. But being a stepparent is just not the same.

You have to choose. You either join in the poor treatment of your step-children and show your child a bizarre way of life with days out and holidays that their father and siblinga never participate in or you tell him it has to change or you'll walk (and mean it)

I agree with this advice. But I don’t think you’re treating the SC badly in not wanting to take them out when their father won’t. But the rest I agree with the rest - give him an ultimatum or have his bags packed. You can’t spend the next 10-15 years of your life living like this where you’re parenting his first children for him. You wouldn’t be wrong to not to don’t get me wrong, but if he moves out then at least the expectations that are currently put on to you regarding his children will be instantly all gone.

I think as well as the work and business being so all consuming, we just have a very different idea of what is fun / a day out.

For example if I ever suggest we stop off on the way home from somewhere to have a meal with the kids he'll say 'can we not just go McDonald's'. If the cinema is suggested 'can we not just watch a film at home'. Like he doesn't get that sometimes it's just nice for everyone to sit at a table and have a meal or to just get out and do something we don't always do.

Or if I say, let's do something this weekend with the kids, let's take them to this place or that, it's 'im so tired though, it's my only day off'. Like yeah I get being tired, I get he doesn't have much time off but he's making no memories with his children and I don't want that for mine.

I'm not asking every weekend. But just sometimes, just go and do something that's fun or whatever.

Tell him what you've said here.
You will be bringing your DC up to enjoy trips, activities, holidays, If he wants his DC to not feel left out, then he needs to step up.
Then formulate a plan so that it makes it more difficult to wriggle out of.
One week holiday in every summer (book the date now).
One day trip a month.
Half a day activity every weekend. (Walk, park, soft play, cinema, whatever)
Weekend break during Easter hols.
Camping trip May half term.
Trip to fireworks display in autumn.
Panto and trip to FC during Dec.
Or whatever floats your family's boat.
That's about 52 days out of his whole year. If he can't manage that, and acknowledge his DC deserve to enjoy that with him, then he is a shit dad.

Oh, crossed posts. He sounds shit and selfish.

I can’t get past the bit where you leave your step children at home and go out with just your own child.

I’m a step mother and I’d never done that. Yikes

@Greeneyes78

I can’t get past the bit where you leave your step children at home and go out with just your own child.

I’m a step mother and I’d never done that. Yikes

So what would you do in my situation where your husband makes no effort to do anything with them?

I don't mind taking constructive feedback from people but it helps if you say what you actually think I should do in this situation?

You already knew what he wasn’t one for making an effort with his kids, so why on earth did you decide to have your own child with him?

And they would be 'left at home' with their actual parent, the one they are there to spend time with.... Who'd be welcome to come and join us if he could be arsed.

@BakerStreetDrew

you tell him it has to change or you'll walk (and mean it)

You're right that this is probably going to be my best option.

I've tried before to have a conversation with him about how little fun things he does with them. He's not a bad parent in the sense that he doesn't care for them or do the basic parenting things like take them to school, make their food, wash their clothes all of that basic stuff, he does that I'm not expected to do everything for them in that sense. But in terms of entertainment, it very much falls to me because he just doesn't see the big deal.

Wrongly or rightly I have got to the point where I just think, whatever, if you their dad can't be arsed to do anything fun with them then why should I? And I've just started entertaining myself at weekends with family or friends. But obviously having a DC changes that and it's not the kind of thing I want for them.

There's more to being a parent that feeding and clothing. That's the basics.

Given your post after this about his comments whenever a meal or cinema or something he doesn't love is suggested - he's a selfish man and selfish men don't make good parents.

Not only does he not care that his children might want to do nice things (and he hasn't even bothered to find out), but he knows you do and he still won't even give you the odd time out.

Tbh, it sounds like you have much bigger problems than the SC. You sound like two single people who just happen to live in the same house and share a bed rather than people who share a life together.

The fact that your SC are both under 10 means you've seen him treat very young children poorly, yet chosen to have one with him. If it's not good enough for your child then it's not good enough for them and why on earth as you willing to stand by and watch him treat his children so shabbily?

Why does he even have them 50:50 if he's no interest in anything beyond basic feeding and getting them to school?

I ended a relationship before I met DH because the guy was a shit parent to his kids. Not a chance I would stand by a create a two-tier family in my home. He'd either have to shape up or ship out.

I haven't necessarily stood by and watched. I've spoken to him about this on several occasions, I initially tried to do lots of things with them myself. But there is only so much I can do when I am not the children's parent. He is there dad, it's his contact time with them, I can't force him to do something he won't and I don't want to continuously pick up his slack either.

I can’t get past the bit where you leave your step children at home and go out with just your own child.

I’m a step mother and I’d never done that. Yikes

You’re probably not put in to that position by your dp/dh and he’s probably a lot more hands on with his children. If he’s not though and you have to do everything for him and you accept it, then more fool you.

The op isn’t happy with the situation and her partner isn’t likely to change. Why should she just be a doormat and accept it?

Even separating the 'fairness' out of it really you've got another point regarding not wanting to take the SC out as well in that it will be hard for you to keep an eye on both a baby and two under 10s - I know it's not impossible and single parents do it but it's not ideal - if baby needs changing and you have to queue for the only toilet then you could be up to fifteen minutes - will the kids be happy hanging around or will they want to play or do whatever fun activity you're at? If they run off (depending on how under 10 they are) how will you catch up to them with a baby in tow/feeding?

Apart from anything else, by the time your baby is really old enough to appreciate going anywhere (say 3 or so) the SC will either as a pp said not want to come out with you or will be so bored at the lack of fun at their dads they will stop wanting to stay at his, so he will either see less of them or be nagged (by them as well as you) into doing more.

Have you spoken to him about the future? A lot of people have used lockdown to seriously plan their next stage of life and start making changes if needed. If he looks five, ten years into the future is this how he sees his life? Always tired from working, only one day off, no holidays...it is even worth him working so hard if he can't enjoy it? Or does he expect it will 'get better' in a few years, if so when? How? Does he have a definite plan, such as employ someone to do x and y job once he's made z amount?

Fwiw, the kids aren't miserable. They are happy children who like coming to us. They don't comment on this themselves although I'm sure they would enjoy doing more with him.

It's me who's uneasy with how little we do together.

@BakerStreetDrew

I haven't necessarily stood by and watched. I've spoken to him about this on several occasions, I initially tried to do lots of things with them myself. But there is only so much I can do when I am not the children's parent. He is there dad, it's his contact time with them, I can't force him to do something he won't and I don't want to continuously pick up his slack either.

You've still chosen to bring another child, one that you won't allow to be treated as poorly, into the mix.

He's at fault the most. Absolutely he is. But you've chosen to bring another child into the mix and one of your potential solutions is to treat them considerably better than two other children who will share their home.

That shouldn't be an option. How can you even be attracted to a man who won't even put his children first for one cinema trip or a meal out? Why would you choose someone that selfish to be your child's father? You have had a good preview of how he is going to treat your child

@BakerStreetDrew

Fwiw, the kids aren't miserable. They are happy children who like coming to us. They don't comment on this themselves although I'm sure they would enjoy doing more with him.

It's me who's uneasy with how little we do together.

Of course they haven't commented - they're not even 10! They don't realise yet that their father is lazy and selfish.

They'll soon start noticing when their younger brother or sister is off out and they're at home with lazy Dad.

I've already said @lyralalala that leaving is probably the best option. I've agreed with you.

I get you want to spend time alone with your child and doing things with them but you do that when the sc are with their mother

They are already going to feel pushed out by you having another child, but to completely shut them out just because their dad can’t be bothered isn’t fair on them

I'm going to step away from this thread as I don't want to be too harsh to a pregnant woman.

Treating children so differently in the same home should never be an option. Never.

If he won't step out then you'll be teaching your child that it's acceptable for him to treat you, them and their siblings like that and that will be on you.

Good luck

They are already going to feel pushed out by you having another child, but to completely shut them out just because their dad can’t be bothered isn’t fair on them

So I'm assuming your suggestion is to leave then rather than me staying and making all the effort whilst DH makes none?

As I've said I am more than happy for us all to do things together. But I do not want to be put in the position of having to take all 3 every where I go and DH never joining us.

They are already going to feel pushed out by you having another child, but to completely shut them out just because their dad can’t be bothered isn’t fair on them

Fairy stepmother to the rescue then while dad dozes on the couch There’s something really wrong about that too.

Treating children so differently in the same home should never be an option. Never

Okay. So I've agreed with you that the best option is to leave if I don't want this.

Tbh staying and taking on all the responsibility for making everyone's time fun is not an option to me. I've been there before and I know it would make me resentful (of DH not the kids) so I agree, leaving seems the only answer.