to ask what people find painful about ghosting?

[CoffeeAndWhisky]

Just had a conversation with DH about this yesterday and realised I find it quite difficult to understand why people feel hurt by it. My logic has always been...

... either we didn't get on as well as I thought, in which case it is a shame but a conversation won't change that

...something happened in their life that keeps them busy but that they don't want to share with me, in which case they don't owe me an explanation

... we have grown apart and the 'ghoster' doesn't feel it is worth the time and effort to re-build the friendship/relationship, which is fair enough

...I may have said or done something that made them do it - in that case, I retrace my steps and if I can't find anything unreasonable, it is their loss. If I did fuck up, I apologise and take it from there.

Don't get me wrong, I have never ghosted anyone and I have not really been ghosted much either.

The reason it came up between me and DH was that our single-household bubble friend was ghosted by a friend she met at the beginning of this year and was in tears about it. Obviously, we tried to help her work through this but when we talked about it more generally after she left, DH mentioned that he is still surprised by how little I care on the rare occasion that someone ghosts me (naturally, I did not say anything like 'no big deal' to our friend). However, he also couldn't really explain why/what he finds hurtful about these situations - so I guess my question really is, why do some people find ghosting hurtful?

YABU = I'd feel hurt if someone ghosted me
YANBU = I wouldn't feel hurt if someone ghosted me.

...I may have said or done something that made them do it - in that case, I retrace my steps and if I can't find anything unreasonable, it is their loss. If I did fuck up, I apologise and take it from there.
I think it's that fact that if they have ghosted you they haven't necessarily told you what you did wrong, so you don't get the opportunity to fix it. You just have to live with the knowledge that you are thought badly of, but don't know why and cannot defend yourself.
This is why if someone pisses you off, you are better off letting them know I suppose.

I don’t recall ever being ‘ghosted’....

But - it doesn’t take an awful lot of imagination to see why some people might take other people wanting nothing more to do with them - to the extent of not even deigning to give them an explanation - pretty personally.

It obviously depends who is ghosting and why. If it's a vague acquaintance or very casual friend it probably doesn't affect anyone very much and that's why you haven't been bothered about it.

If it's an old or close friend or a romantic partner, just disappearing with no explanation would matter more because then there is an element of rejection which most people find upsetting. At least if someone explains their position you know it's their decision and you don't continue to hope for contact.

I'm surprised you have to ask.

Put quite simply, in the day and age where everyone has a mobile phone, it takes seconds to tell someone why you won't be seeing them anymore and you don't even have to tell them face to face.

To feel you're not worth a couple of seconds of that person's time, must be very hurtful indeed.

And I say that as someone who has never been ghosted by anyone.

You sound very clinical so maybe you just don't care enough. I'd be pretty if I was that cold.

It's a massive rejection without even the courtesy of an explanation or the decency to say the relationship is over. It's completely one-sided, taking the control entirely into the ghoster's hands and forcing a decision on the other person without the usual human dialogue that goes along with most relationships and interactions. It feels unnatural.

I think most people would find that upsetting, rude and shocking if they're not expecting it.

It’s hurtful because the ghoster is basicallly saying you’re not even worth the effort of an explanation or worthy of the opportunity to apologise for something. I’ve been ghosted but a few people. One was my very best friend in the world, she stood by me in church as my maid of honour and that’s the last time I saw her. I still have no idea why but she ghosted all her friends not just me and none of us got an explanation. I’ve also been , not ghosted as such but drifted, by people and I’ve put it down to me being more invested in the friendship than they were and I try not to take that personally. However that’s easier said than done as ghosting IS personal and so why wouldn’t you take it personally. I have never dropped a friendship without an explanation, it’s cruel not to.

Having been ghosted by a long term friend I’ll try to explain why I found it (and still find it) hurtful.

If I’ve done something to hurt them then that’s my fault, but I can’t for the life of me think what it is, we have no history of falling out, there was no big argument, I’ve not spoken about them to someone else who’s then carried stories back. I’m the type of person who does worry about stuff like this and I find myself every so often going over our interactions thinking “did I do something to make this happen”. It’s a horrible feeling, either because I did and can’t recall or I didn’t but still beat myself up about it in case I did.

If it’s that something’s happening in their life then yes, they don’t owe me an explanation. But to be suddenly cut out from someone’s life, someone that I spent significant time with, it’s a worry that they are beginning to isolate. I care about them and it’s not that I need to know what’s happened, it’s more that I worry that they’re not doing ok.

If we’ve grown apart again that’s ok, but having invested time and energy in a friendship this is one where I feel an explanation is owed, especially as ghosting is usually one sided. It’s almost like one person gets closure (as they’ve made the decision) but the other is left hanging wondering what the hell has happened.

Does that help explain it at all?

I was most affected by a very short romantic connection where I was ghosted. Too short really to merit a phone call or big discussion but it was pretty hurtful to spend time feeling left hanging and not worth a quick 'thanks but no thanks' text. In time, yes, I can see that it was probably one of the reasons you give and it's not the end of the world but it knocked my confidence at the time as I assumed it was something wrong with me.

In terms of a much longer relationship where there was wrong on both sides but my ex just ceased contact, that simply felt again, as though I wasn't worth a conversation to end things after investing so much time and love into the relationship even though it did not end well (no cheating or anything terrible, just a big disagreement).

Yes, i agree that there will be a rational reason for ghosting which is usually 'i don't want to be with you' but it makes you feel beneath deserving normal consideration and manners. Which is unpleasant and diminishing.

For me it's the not knowing why...

I would rather someone was honest and I can either put it right or move on.

Perhaps you're not neurotypical, OP? I'm not and I relate to the kind of thing you're saying although I think I'd still be upset if someone I called a friend suddenly stopped responding to contact. I would feel a bit rejected by that. It's only happened to me once that I noticed and the person discovered a religious fervor which is why they stopped speaking to friends who don't share those values which I sort of understand but wonder why.

Imagine one day you get home from work and your DH and all his things are gone and he has blocked your number.

There must be some rational reason from his side but wouldn't it kill you to not know why he left or what you had done wrong? Wouldn't you feel you deserved a chance to fix it or at least the basic respect of him explaining why he's leaving after you've invested so much in him?

I worked with someone I became very close friends with during late teens. I then ended up living with her for 5 years in a house share. We did a lot of things together, and had a very close friendship. I was always there for her when needed and vice versa. Eventually the time came that she was moving out to live with her boyfriend. I bought her house warming presents, helped her move her stuff out of our place and into the new one. The next day after moving out, she blocked me on all avenues and I've never heard from her since.

3 years later I still have no idea what happened. We never fell out, there were no big arguments, and the friendship hadn't drifted. I will probably never have answers, and I have accepted that now, but it still hurts to know someone can do that after so long.

@CoffeeAndWhisky
You should ask Piers Morgan he's waging war against a woman that ghosted him. His wife must wonder why he's so obsessed about a woman he only met once.

@Avelosa maybe her boyfriend fancied you and she felt insecure?

It depends on the degree of the relationship. I am busy myself and have several busy friends who I meet up with every few months and text sporadically with life updates and to check how they're doing. They're all people who I have a long back history with... Childhood/uni friends or people I've worked with or known for years. I'm quite used to having to wait a little while for a response (they're all balancing families/jobs/new babies) and often take a while to reply myself, but I'd be very hurt if they just stopped getting in contact and left me thinking it was something I'd done. Even a "Sorry life's very busy at the moment and I need to focus on other things" would reassure me that it's not my fault but at the same time indicate that they want to dial down the friendship. Just blocking people or stopping replying, if the relationship has been a close one, doesn't give the ghosted person closure and a chance to mentally 'cut' the relationship and move on. It's a shitty thing to do. It's not the same as allowing a distant friendship to gently fizzle out.

It really depends on the circumstances. Someone you have had a handful of dates with, fine, it reflects badly on them for being a coward but nobody is too invested, dust yourself down and move on.

Someone you have been seeing a year, with no signs at all that they weren't happy, who was fully entwined with your life? Having to go through the humiliation of telling friends they just vanished and forever wondering what on earth happened. Come on OP, surely you can understand how hurtful and upsetting that would be and how difficult it would be to stop replaying and over analysing every conversation/meeting/text you had in the run up to it? How worried you would be going in to a new relationship, trying not to make the same, unknown mistake?

It smacks of being used. The ghoster puts up with you while you serve them, and then drops you in the bin once they lose interest. Just me?

I put yanbu but in the context of a friend / boyfriend of a few dates. Not full on partner with shared mortgage and kids. In that case I'd be assuming blow to the head.

Because most rejection is painful.

You are discussing ghosting with your DH! It hardly gives you a realistic iersiective on what ghosting feels like! It's mostly men who ghost dates, girlfriends or even wives or partners. As in one minute you are in a relationship, the next they cut off contact with you withiut warning or explanation.

So you feel used, confused, unsure of what you did wrong, as if you are of no importance, etc..

Somw people ghost others because they are users, others because they feel guilty about something they've done, some others because they are jealous the ghosted person as a threat to them. They all have in common a lack if basic manners, cowardice and selfishness "me first" attitude.

I was ghosted by my best friend for 5/6 years maybe

Then my mum died and I sent the woman a letter saying that I didn’t know what id done But i missed her and would love to see her but hoped she had a lovely life whatever happened

She got back in contact with me....she was embarrassed over something really stupid and couldn’t face me

Another close friend who had seen me go through this and saw my upset and guilt did EXACTLY the same thing to me when the other women got back in touch and we became friends again

No idea why but she’d seen the years of confusion and upset it had caused me and did the same!!

I think other than that ive been ghosted by one other person and that wasn’t particularly hurtful, i think we just drifted

1. There's an unpleasant limbo period where you keep trying to come up with ever more unlikely excuses why the person hasn't been in touch. Dependent on the duration of the friendship/relationship this can go on for some times, especially if things seemed to be going really well, so there's an element of disbelief to overcome.

1. It can lead to self-torment - wondering what it is you've done, 'was it something I said that was offensive?' etc. Most likely it isn't - the person has found someone else or just got bored - but it won't stop you wondering all the same.

Being actively dumped is painful but at least you can have immediate closure and hopefully move on.

I find it very hurtful because it's like I'm not even worth the bother of an explanation.

Put quite simply, in the day and age where everyone has a mobile phone, it takes seconds to tell someone why you won't be seeing them anymore and you don't even have to tell them face to face.

See, I would see this as ridiculously pompous and melodramatic, assuming the other person hadn't screwed your husband, tried to recruit you to their neo-Nazi cult, stolen significant amounts of cash from you -- in which case, they know what they did to end things, so a message 'I'm ditching you because you screwed Nigel/pinched £10k/are a fan of Hitler' really isn't necessary.

But then I think people have expanded the concept of 'ghosting' to cover 'drifting apart from someone ', or 'temporarily going quiet' rather than its original sense of a friend or romantic partner suddenly going completely and permanently incommunicado despite multiple attempts to get in touch with them.

In your friend's case, it was a very new friendship, she can't have known the person all that well, and lockdown has made many people retreat into themselves -- being in tears about it sounds rather mad to me, but then I'm more of your opinion, and I find the webs of unspoken obligation that seem to be a lot of Mners definition of friendship, and the flouncing about cutting off contact if someone omits you from a social occasions a bit juvenile.

If a friend goes quiet for a while, I assume there's something going on good or bad that they're dealing with, and they'll tell me if/when they want to. I don't regard not being in contact for a few months as some kind of unforgivable friendship sin. I'm happy to hear from them again when they want to, but am not hanging about weeping into my tea in case I might have caused offence.

It's different, obviously, in a romantic relationship.