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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what people find painful about ghosting?

115 replies

CoffeeAndWhisky · 07/09/2020 11:11

Just had a conversation with DH about this yesterday and realised I find it quite difficult to understand why people feel hurt by it. My logic has always been...

... either we didn't get on as well as I thought, in which case it is a shame but a conversation won't change that

...something happened in their life that keeps them busy but that they don't want to share with me, in which case they don't owe me an explanation

... we have grown apart and the 'ghoster' doesn't feel it is worth the time and effort to re-build the friendship/relationship, which is fair enough

...I may have said or done something that made them do it - in that case, I retrace my steps and if I can't find anything unreasonable, it is their loss. If I did fuck up, I apologise and take it from there.

Don't get me wrong, I have never ghosted anyone and I have not really been ghosted much either.

The reason it came up between me and DH was that our single-household bubble friend was ghosted by a friend she met at the beginning of this year and was in tears about it. Obviously, we tried to help her work through this but when we talked about it more generally after she left, DH mentioned that he is still surprised by how little I care on the rare occasion that someone ghosts me (naturally, I did not say anything like 'no big deal' to our friend). However, he also couldn't really explain why/what he finds hurtful about these situations - so I guess my question really is, why do some people find ghosting hurtful?

YABU = I'd feel hurt if someone ghosted me
YANBU = I wouldn't feel hurt if someone ghosted me.

OP posts:
nibdedibble · 07/09/2020 18:21

Tbh if it was a great friend/a partner/really obvious ‘one day you’re texting, the next day you’re dead to them’ - yes that would be terrible.

But I’ve been ditched by someone who was essentially having a breakdown, she did what she needed to do, and really she was a tricky person anyway. That’s the way it goes with tricky-but-interesting people!

I recently ditched a friend because I’d had enough of her selfishness, but I did tell her - not in so many words though. But had she not slightly forced it I’d have just let it slide.

Ranunculi · 07/09/2020 18:25

I think answers do make you feel better. That’s why hospitals run a “birth reflection service” so you can discuss what happened during your labour and understand why. It doesn’t change your medical condition but understanding what happened helps you to accept and come to terms with it. In fact you could say the same about anything for which you need counselling - it changes nothing except your attitude and ability to accept what happened.

Just one more question, do you really think that this would be a constructive last conversation or would it be more likely to be all tears and screaming?
People think it’s less mean to ghost than to tell you they don’t like you. They don’t want to deal with sobbing and begging. Of course they’re sparing themselves a bit of discomfort at your expense.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2020 18:28

I think there's a difference between "I accept that this is what they need so I'm not going to tear myself apart wondering" and an ambivalent "I wouldn't care, I wouldn't be remotely upset" which seems to be how you'd react. Respecting someone's choices and not caring at all what those choices are isn't the same thing

Porcupineinwaiting · 07/09/2020 18:33

The alternative to ghosting isnt a soul-bearing session on where the friendship has gone wrong anyway. You can just drift away, or make excuses, rather than block and run for cover. Most people will get the message.

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 07/09/2020 18:35

@SleepingStandingUp

I think there's a difference between "I accept that this is what they need so I'm not going to tear myself apart wondering" and an ambivalent "I wouldn't care, I wouldn't be remotely upset" which seems to be how you'd react. Respecting someone's choices and not caring at all what those choices are isn't the same thing
Yup

It’s occurred to me that some people are referring to social media...

The main time i was ghosted was about 25 years ago

Didn’t even have texting then 😀

Auto · 07/09/2020 18:37

It is hurtful. When you thought you were getting along well with someone and thought they were a friend, it comes as a kick in the teeth to be ghosted. You wonder why as a friend they didn't address any problems with you directly, and you feel like a disposable person, a piece of rubbish that is discarded and never considered again.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/09/2020 18:49

@SleepingStandingUp

I think there's a difference between "I accept that this is what they need so I'm not going to tear myself apart wondering" and an ambivalent "I wouldn't care, I wouldn't be remotely upset" which seems to be how you'd react. Respecting someone's choices and not caring at all what those choices are isn't the same thing
I have felt exactly both that "I accept that this is what they need so I'm not going to tear myself apart wondering" and an ambivalent "I wouldn't care, I wouldn't be remotely upset" at the same time for both times I was ghosted. I don’t understand why you think they’re mutually exclusive.
nibdedibble · 07/09/2020 18:56

The trouble is, one person’s friend is another person’s annoying acquaintance. And not everyone is actually very good at friendship. I just stopped ‘being friends with’ someone who thinks only in terms of herself but she called me a friend. I like her fine but the connection from her side wasn’t there, as in she couldn’t actually do many of the things you associate with friendship. Most of the time it doesn’t matter, you have a laugh or whatever, that’s enough. But I felt she was using me to fill the position of ‘friend’ without putting any of the time in. Letting it slide was going to be the easiest thing to do without making a huge big deal.

RiftGibbon · 07/09/2020 18:59

I was ghosted years ago and it still smarts because...
It was someone I'd previously flat-shared with, with no issues
We'd been talking on social media about a week before, after me and DH had been over to hers for a meal.
I was pregnant (maybe a bit hormonal) - I had posted on her (open profile) SM that it had been lovely to see her and her partner, and perhaps we could arrange for them to come over to us. She deleted the message.
Then silence .

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2020 19:10

I don’t understand why you think they’re mutually exclusive

sorry I'll clarify.
I think there's a difference between "I accept that this is what they need so I'm not going to tear myself apart wondering" but I'm upset and hurt by the decision and an ambivalent "I wouldn't care, I wouldn't be remotely upset" which seems to be how you'd react. Respecting someone's choices and not caring at all what those choices are isn't the same thing

BigBlondeBimbo · 07/09/2020 19:15

@nibdedibble

The trouble is, one person’s friend is another person’s annoying acquaintance. And not everyone is actually very good at friendship. I just stopped ‘being friends with’ someone who thinks only in terms of herself but she called me a friend. I like her fine but the connection from her side wasn’t there, as in she couldn’t actually do many of the things you associate with friendship. Most of the time it doesn’t matter, you have a laugh or whatever, that’s enough. But I felt she was using me to fill the position of ‘friend’ without putting any of the time in. Letting it slide was going to be the easiest thing to do without making a huge big deal.
And also, not all acquaintances are annoying and not all non annoying acquaintances become real friends. It's fine to pass the time of day with someone, but you don't have to be friends with everyone. I think you need to be in a significant friendship or relationship for ghosting to even be a thing. Otherwise, it's just passing acquaintances not becoming friends.
diggadoo · 07/09/2020 19:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Insaneinthemembury · 07/09/2020 19:38

When you can't find those answers it can affect future relationships.
If you thought someone was a great friend and you got on very well, if they just sack you off it then leaves you questioning other friendships. Have I got those wrong as well?
Family members ghosting you can also leave you with horrible fears of abandonment. So ghosting, in my opinion, is fucking awful. You're lucky it's never affected you. I wish I was like you.

diggadoo · 07/09/2020 19:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Anonincase · 07/09/2020 19:50

I think it's very hurtful and adults should have the skills to navigate situations far better than just ghost someone. There are ways to reduce contact that are kinder and generally put better energy out into the world. Friends won't always stay close, relationships and situations change, but to ghost someone is very immature imho!

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