. . . to pull out of this hen do?

[AmIABadFriendNow]

I'm on the unpaid portion of maternity leave. I have enough savings to get me through the rest of the year with everything I need, but Christmas etc. will be tight and I've been foregoing luxuries for a while now.

Group of four friends - really, really close friends who have supported each other through thick and thin for over ten years. One was due to get married in June but cancelled due to COVID-19. Corresponding hen do cancelled - this was a weekend away with a fun activity, plus dinner etc., for which we'd paid £240 each. This is now being held as a credit with the adventure company and we plan to do the weekend when restrictions are lifted (probably next year).

Friend has decided to go ahead with the wedding at the end of September even though it will be immediate family only. Totally fine, understand that it's her wedding and her choice, as gutted as I am to not be able to see her getting married.

However, in addition to the paid-for weekend that we'll eventually rearrange for next year, she wants us (her close friendship group) to have a smaller hen do before the wedding. This will be close to £150 (probably more, with drinks etc.) I'm also mindful that we'll need to buy a wedding gift too. Another of the group jumped in to say "BOOKED!" really fast, so it's a done deal.

I can't not go. She's a fantastic girl and I really love and value her as a friend. So I guess it's not so much "AIBU to not go" as "AIBU to be pissed off that she hasn't even considered how skint I am at the minute" . . .

I don't want to burst her bubble. She's had a hard year - everyone has, I guess - and there's no point in complaining as it will only sour the occasion.

Basically I just needed to vent . . .

Are you the only one who is skint? Others might be glad if someone speaks up.

If you can’t afford to go on the second hen do then you can’t afford to go. You need to speak up.

I don't blame you, it's hard to justify the costs when you are struggling.

Is there any way you can hint that if you go on the first hen then could you 'sell' your place on the second hen? See if anybody can take your place and try and get some money back.

Can't you say that you need that money back to be able to go to this one?

Speak up! As she’s a close friend, she’ll probably be mortified that she’s put you in this position.

Just tell her that if you are all getting a refund for the 2nd hen then you can afford to go on the new one.

Ahhhhh I have to go. I'd always feel sad that I let her down. And I therefore probably shouldn't say anything because even if I did, I'd still be going, so basically I'd be complaining/objecting pointlessly and it would definitely hurt her feelings.

I shouldn't have posted . . . I know I can't say anything; it started to crystallise in my head as I was typing

I'd have wanted a refund for the first one. Of course you don't have to go!

Total CF.
I am getting married in 4 weeks time and I'm not having a hen do but I am putting together a little spa/pamper pack for my best friends and bridesmaids so we can all virtually do a pamper night the night before. They aren't paying a penny and I don't want to gather them all for everyone's safety.
We are doing a reception in May and considering doing a hen party then, but won't be costing anywhere near that much!! Her wedding is one day, she does not get to commandeer that much time and money

It's a shame she hasn't considered that you may not be able to afford it.
A good friend would probably realise the situation you are in.

I’d ask her to cancel the second one, no point in a hen do once already married. Surely if you are such good friends you can be honest about money? A true friend wouldn’t put another in a tricky financial situation anyway.

As for gift, I’d send a token one if you feel you must but most only buy if actually invited and attending.

It’s a bit Bridezilla to have a second hen do, and expect people that aren’t even invited to the wedding to shell out for both.

Can you do part of this one? A cheaper part?

Can you get your money back from the other activity? I don’t think companies are allowed to insist you take credit. Then use that for this hen do and rebook the other on next year if you have the money then?

It is a shame they didn’t ask about budgets first. I can see how covid, postponed wedding, etc. could get some angsts enough to just not think when the opportunity to be able to have some of that fun sooner presented itself.

*angsty

I think you’re right that you have to go, but I’d be trying to get a refund on the original hen do. If you’d have gone to the wedding it would have cost you money too, probably more than the second hen so overall you e probably saved.

And you really really don’t have to get a wedding gift for a wedding you’re no longer invited to.

I would say that you need a refund for the other one to be able to afford this one.

If you can’t, you can’t end of. If she’s a good friend then she’ll understand. IMHO she’s being a bit OTT with two hens and not an invitation to be had!! But maybe that’s just me...

You aren't pulling out. You're declining an invitation.

A true friend would understand the circumstances you are in. Be honest with her. If you are not able to do that then I would think that the friendship is not as good as you think it is.

Why are you being a mug. Just tell her you are sorry but you simply cannot afford it unless the original money is refunded.

As for the present, totally get the restrictions but if I'm not invited then I wouldn't be spending my normal £50, I'd just get a nice card and bottle of prosecco.

Can you reduce the boys you do? Eg meet for meal but not drinks or vice versa

Just explain to her your situation, and that you can go in September , but only if you get the money back for next year and not go then

If she’s a great friend she should understand

Just say ‘listen I am desperate to go but I’m not earning anything at all at the moment and so I’m totally brassic - do you think it would be okay if I tried to get a refund from the other weekend first? I’m so sorry, you know I wouldn’t normally think twice about it but the second half of mat leave is particularly brutal financially.’

Really nice people can be oblivious to life stages they have not been through themselves (no harm in that, they just need it spelled out a bit sometimes).

If she’s a good friend why can’t you just say to her that much as you would love to go you are on maternity leave and therefore don’t have the funds available?

Only an absolute cunt would have a problem with that OP. If she’s a lovely girl she will 100% understand.