. . . to pull out of this hen do?

[AmIABadFriendNow]

I'm on the unpaid portion of maternity leave. I have enough savings to get me through the rest of the year with everything I need, but Christmas etc. will be tight and I've been foregoing luxuries for a while now.

Group of four friends - really, really close friends who have supported each other through thick and thin for over ten years. One was due to get married in June but cancelled due to COVID-19. Corresponding hen do cancelled - this was a weekend away with a fun activity, plus dinner etc., for which we'd paid £240 each. This is now being held as a credit with the adventure company and we plan to do the weekend when restrictions are lifted (probably next year).

Friend has decided to go ahead with the wedding at the end of September even though it will be immediate family only. Totally fine, understand that it's her wedding and her choice, as gutted as I am to not be able to see her getting married.

However, in addition to the paid-for weekend that we'll eventually rearrange for next year, she wants us (her close friendship group) to have a smaller hen do before the wedding. This will be close to £150 (probably more, with drinks etc.) I'm also mindful that we'll need to buy a wedding gift too. Another of the group jumped in to say "BOOKED!" really fast, so it's a done deal.

I can't not go. She's a fantastic girl and I really love and value her as a friend. So I guess it's not so much "AIBU to not go" as "AIBU to be pissed off that she hasn't even considered how skint I am at the minute" . . .

I don't want to burst her bubble. She's had a hard year - everyone has, I guess - and there's no point in complaining as it will only sour the occasion.

Basically I just needed to vent . . .

Is the reason you feel you have to go because you have a flakey rep?

How would you feel if the situation was reversed and one of your really close friends was afraid to tell you she couldn't afford your wedding celebrations because she's on unpaid maternity leave? I think you would want this friend to tell you rather than carry a whole load of stress.

Speak up and be transparent to all of your friends. It's not personal, it's practical.

Incidentally, you may be entitled to tax credits for the unpaid portion of your maternity leave. Worth checking out - www.gov.uk/tax-credits-if-you-have-baby

@AmIABadFriendNow

I'm swimming upstream here, but 4 closest friends, a weekend away to celebrate a good friends wedding - that you cannot only not go to becayse of Covid, not becayse she doesn't want you there. I'd go and If necessary borrow the money/put it in a credit card.

It's not like it's thousands. You'll be back at work before you know it, wondering why you didn't just go & have a fabulous time!!

As for a present, I'd still buy one for my friend because I wanted to mark her marriage, I don't buy presents just because I'm invited to a wedding.

You have a small child. Is that not enough reason to decline?

I'd definitely want my money back from the first one. Too many businesses are in financial trouble currently and may not be around to fulfil their obligations

If she is a good friend she will understand your situation, unfortunately a lot of people turn to bridezillas and can only see it through their eyes.

I was in a similar situation with a good friend and unfortunately we’re now no longer friends due to her not understanding where i was coming from. You have to think of your families situation and what works for you and hopefully she is decent enough to not get upset.

I'd speak to her. You've not been paid for months - if she is a decent person/ friend she will understand.
If you really genuinely do want to go I'd still speak to her but ask if they can bear that in mind when choosing venue (eg cheaper restaurant, maybe drinking in someones house first to cut costs etc) or say youd love to come but cant afford all of it so maybe join them for drinks after dinner, or one of the activities if there are a few things planned.

Also speak to the other friends before you go and explain that you won't be able to pay for the brides share or any extras or anything incase they spring on you that they've booked x y and z as a surprise and expect you to pay or announce that the bride doesn't have to pay a penny, as that would put you in a terrible position

To the people saying ‘get a refund’ on the £240, I can imagine this will be next to impossible. It’s not like the bride is holding the money, it’s held with a company. Once you’ve paid these people, it’s hard for an individual to pull out and get a refund. A friend of mine arranged a stag using one, the couple then split up so no wedding so obviously no stag do - everyone just lost their money. I imagine this company, like holiday companies, are desperately trying to push people towards rearranging rather than Refunds as they will have major cash flow issues this year with probably close to 0 bookings going ahead. I guess if the organiser pushed hard they may be able to cancel the entire event and get everyone their money back, but thousands of people are still waiting on that for cancelled holidays so I wouldn’t hold your breath. But I imagine one person getting a refund and the rest being transferred to a new date will be next to impossible. I guess selling your place is a possibility OP, if the bride has a friend who couldn’t make it originally but can now, or a new friend I guess.

OP - i would find a way to go personally. I’d send a message saying ‘really want to do this but finances are tight etc, if we could just try to keep things at the lower key end that would be great’. Hopefully they can choose a cheaper place for dinner and so on. Realistically it’s quite possible to spend £150 attending a wedding which you now aren’t, so there’s that. Savings on travel, gift, potentially a new outfit, accommodation, drinks on the day. I would only get her a small token gift if you are no longer invited to the wedding - though it seems odd if you’re as close as you’d say that you’re not in the guest list?

"Df, monies really tight at the moment with being on ml, can you get my deposit back from that company and I'll use it for this"

I'd go and If necessary borrow the money/put it in a credit card.

Please don't follow this ^^ terrible advice.

OP, I really do sympathise (not least as I'm in the same financial boat as you are).

I don't think your friends are being CFs. I think they're just not thinking.

I was recently invited by friends to an expensive event, and had to say no on the grounds of finances. I just sent them a message to say I was sorry, but lockdown has hit me financially really hard (i.e. no income for months), and I just can't afford it, but I hope they have a lovely time and I'll look forward to hearing all about it. (I didn't say this in a PA way - I genuinely meant it).

So they changed plan and brought the event to my house instead, because they didn't want to miss out on us all being together, and completely understood that it's shitty to have no money and that missing out on things because of no money is even shittier (money is no problem at all for any of them, btw).

I like my friends.

She’s a CF expecting TWO hen dos and a wedding present for a wedding you’re not even invited to!

OP, is she even a good friend? Give us some examples.

You can't pull out of something you didn't opt in to. This second plan was booked without asking if you could make it. So the answer is no, you can't.

I don’t think she’s being a CF, for £150 it sounds like it’s a meal and drinks out not a big grand showy hen do to marbs.

I would try my best to do go if your such a close knit group, can you maybe suggest cheaper places to eat/drink to get costs down? Or you could say to the bride you’d love to go but can only afford one, which would you prefer I attend? But as PP said the money for the first trip may be tied up by a company.

She's definitely not a CF - I think the worst she's guilty of is thoughtlessness, as in, she hasn't considered that her closest friends have already paid out for the "big" hen do and now we're doing a "small" one . . . I think she's seeing the small one in isolation, in which case it's a much more reasonable prospect.

For the posters that mentioned Covid restrictions - the small hen do is outside, and there's only four of us, so it's fine. We're not affected by local restrictions or anything.

The wedding present would be to mark the marriage - I wouldn't not get them a present just because we can't attend the wedding anymore!

I feel bad now because writing it all down made me realise that the fault lies with me - instead of watching a plan unfold on group text, I should have interjected, but I didn't; so I think I need to suck it up.

Sorry what? She's asked you to go on two (expensive) hen dos, yet no invite for the wedding, just who does she think she is?
I think it might be fine if you have lots of spare money to throw around, but you don't, and this is taking the piss.

What costs £150 plus drinks outside??

We can't go to the wedding because of restrictions, @mena51 - the registry office won't allow more than ten people (I think it's ten) so that will be immediate family only. And then obviously lots of households can't meet up to have food etc.

@Dishwashersaurous - we need to get a hotel room each, due to Covid rules. No sharing.

I think if you haven’t said anything deemed as agreement in the group chat you can still speak up and the sooner the better.

I’d go. Can your partner help you with the 150?

[quote AmIABadFriendNow]@Dishwashersaurous - we need to get a hotel room each, due to Covid rules. No sharing.[/quote]
Share a hotel room! Come on don’t be silly. If you’re eating/drinking together you can share a room.

@Ginfordinner

I'd go and If necessary borrow the money/put it in a credit card.

Please don't follow this ^^ terrible advice.

Errr excuse me.

It's £150, not thousands, she'll be back at work getting paid soon, she won't be spending the money she was going to on the wedding...

It's not a bad idea at all to spend a weekend, with 4 close friends, to celebrate a marriage.

I wouldn't be going on an extra hen do and sending a gift for a wedding I wasn't invited to.

Why not explain you are broke and ask if you could give her say £50 now and the rest in £20 installments starting in Feb once Christmasis done. Depending on how you've all done money stuff before this might work.