. . . to pull out of this hen do?

[AmIABadFriendNow]

I'm on the unpaid portion of maternity leave. I have enough savings to get me through the rest of the year with everything I need, but Christmas etc. will be tight and I've been foregoing luxuries for a while now.

Group of four friends - really, really close friends who have supported each other through thick and thin for over ten years. One was due to get married in June but cancelled due to COVID-19. Corresponding hen do cancelled - this was a weekend away with a fun activity, plus dinner etc., for which we'd paid £240 each. This is now being held as a credit with the adventure company and we plan to do the weekend when restrictions are lifted (probably next year).

Friend has decided to go ahead with the wedding at the end of September even though it will be immediate family only. Totally fine, understand that it's her wedding and her choice, as gutted as I am to not be able to see her getting married.

However, in addition to the paid-for weekend that we'll eventually rearrange for next year, she wants us (her close friendship group) to have a smaller hen do before the wedding. This will be close to £150 (probably more, with drinks etc.) I'm also mindful that we'll need to buy a wedding gift too. Another of the group jumped in to say "BOOKED!" really fast, so it's a done deal.

I can't not go. She's a fantastic girl and I really love and value her as a friend. So I guess it's not so much "AIBU to not go" as "AIBU to be pissed off that she hasn't even considered how skint I am at the minute" . . .

I don't want to burst her bubble. She's had a hard year - everyone has, I guess - and there's no point in complaining as it will only sour the occasion.

Basically I just needed to vent . . .

Then don’t get a hotel room and come home

Yeah, ask her to stump up the costs now and you pay her back when you're able. If she wants you there and a second hen do is so important, she'll be ok with that.

Head tilt.

I don't know if the bride to be has had her finances hit hard by covid etc, but if so you'd think she would be more understanding. If not, she is presumably saving a huge amount on the wedding. If I were her this second hen night would be something I would cover instead of hosting you guys at the wedding.

The op has not voiced her objections. SHer friend is not in the OP shoes so doesn't know her financial circumstances. Honestly, such an angry lot!!

You either tell her or as I think you will do swallow the costs. I have a friend like this who invites me to a thousand weekends/nights away a year. She would never leave me out and understands when I say no. I feel bad as I always say no. For her birthday and most definitely her hen do I would find the money not get my hair done/see the dentist that month

Could she or any of your other friends lend you some money towards the do? I think my closest friends would be happy to do this if needed. What does the event involve? For example if it's a meal and night in hotel, could you just go for the meal not the hotel, or something similar? Again, I'm sure my close friends would understand if I was in your position.

So you’ve already paid £240 for a hen do that can’t take place yet (or is on hold) and she wants another costing £150 before you’ve even had a drink, it’d be a simple “I’m on mat leave and can’t afford that”. If she’s that close of a friend why can’t you just speak up? Why would you spend money you can’t afford on a weekend you don’t need to go on?

Just decline.

I really don't understand how the friendships can be close but you can't just admit that you don't have the money.

Avoid Hens, they are impossible to enjoy IMV.

So I don't partake anymore. Ugh. It is manufactured and so I avoid like the plague/Covid. Sorry now.

If they’re good friends, surely they would understand. Just say you can’t afford it.

If you 'can't not go' [newsflash: you can do, or not do, precisely what you want] then sorry to sound harsh but I don't see what posting about it on MN will achieve. If you're not happy about doing something there is action you can take to remedy that situation.

You sound almost as though you're afraid to provoke this woman by not immediately falling in with exactly what she wants. Maybe think about why. You're spending the final weeks of your maternity leave on no pay, and babies are very expensive not only in terms of money but time. I can't accept that even the most tone deaf of people are oblivious to this. And if a friend I loved dearly was in this position and her attendance mattered to me that much, my first consideration would have been to talk to her and organise something that could comfortably include her.

This 'friend' has done no such thing, and just charged ahead regardless. You say you love and value her as a friend. I only hope that's reciprocated, because unfortunately the behaviour you've reported here suggests otherwise.

This guilt thing about attending anything you really don't want/can't afford really upsets me.

Don't go, realistically no one will miss you, and sorry if that sounds bad, but it is reality. They will get on with their so called enjoyable event.

Good luck to them. It is not for me and I have absolutely NO problem saying it. In a nice way of course.

You should of said something at the time. It’s a bit late now it’s booked.

"Friend, about your hen dos, I can only afford to come to one or the other - which one would you prefer me to come to?"

It’s ridiculous to spend money on a hen do if you aren't going to the wedding.
You don’t matter enough to her to be at her wedding now-she could postpone but isn’t. She doesn’t value you the way you think she does.
I wouldn’t go, whether I had it or not!

No I don't think you should feel bad but yes I agree you should of said something.
She's your friend tell her you can't afford it , I'd want to know if it was my friend .

Could you say that money is really tight at the moment so while you are very happy to come, could there be a cap on how much it will cost? That way it won’t suddenly become more depending on what you do - I’m thinking in case the plans get more elaborate once it’s been agreed.

Don't go.

If she valued you as much as you value her she would be having her wedding next year so you can all attend but she's not.

Also: 2 hen parties to suit her? No. That's greedy and unreasonable.

Also: if you can't afford something, don't do it. I've learned this during lockdown and it's done my finances the world of good.

If you are saying you're overstretched but you don't care, that's a different discussion altogether.

I am unclear of the rules in what part of country you are in but surely Covid restricts numbers of people together??

The fault does not lie with you. You're on maternity leave, with reduced salary coming in and you can't afford it. It's not a fault, it's a situation you find yourself in. A totally legit situation.

Take a deep breath in, call her and say - Look love to join on the small hen do, but money is really tight and I can't afford it, so I will not be joining you.
Don't apologise, don't accept any ideas she may give you for saving up / finding the extra cash.

Won’t you have £90 spare as the smaller weekend is cheaper?

Lover - the money for the main hen do has been held over and will be re-arranged for next year, so there's no spare - this is an extra £150

It’s such a hard decision isn’t it!
My friend was due to get married in April. She had her hen do at the beginning of the year that cost £400. She’s moved her wedding date now & is planning a second hen do. I’ll go no matter what but it pains me how much money I’ll be spending 😭😭😭

Just tell her you can only afford one hen do.

Either ask for a refund from the adventure do tonpay for this one or say you'll see her on the adventure one.

Just be honest.

I'm not up to speed with the rules for overnighting in groups (but I know lots of big houses in my touristy city aren't allowing groups). I thought you were only allowed to have two families/bubbles together.

You could always use that as an excuse if you are too embarrassed to mention £. Your baby is still small and you are worried about mixing and bringing the virus into your little family.

Why are brides so SELFISH? My bridesmaid paid £100 for a fun weekend away with all food and booze included. All of my party worked and could afford it. The one who couldn’t, I paid for. I also subsidised it myself so that it wasn’t more than £100. You should not be skinting yourself for this with a baby on the way.