. . . to pull out of this hen do?

[AmIABadFriendNow]

I'm on the unpaid portion of maternity leave. I have enough savings to get me through the rest of the year with everything I need, but Christmas etc. will be tight and I've been foregoing luxuries for a while now.

Group of four friends - really, really close friends who have supported each other through thick and thin for over ten years. One was due to get married in June but cancelled due to COVID-19. Corresponding hen do cancelled - this was a weekend away with a fun activity, plus dinner etc., for which we'd paid £240 each. This is now being held as a credit with the adventure company and we plan to do the weekend when restrictions are lifted (probably next year).

Friend has decided to go ahead with the wedding at the end of September even though it will be immediate family only. Totally fine, understand that it's her wedding and her choice, as gutted as I am to not be able to see her getting married.

However, in addition to the paid-for weekend that we'll eventually rearrange for next year, she wants us (her close friendship group) to have a smaller hen do before the wedding. This will be close to £150 (probably more, with drinks etc.) I'm also mindful that we'll need to buy a wedding gift too. Another of the group jumped in to say "BOOKED!" really fast, so it's a done deal.

I can't not go. She's a fantastic girl and I really love and value her as a friend. So I guess it's not so much "AIBU to not go" as "AIBU to be pissed off that she hasn't even considered how skint I am at the minute" . . .

I don't want to burst her bubble. She's had a hard year - everyone has, I guess - and there's no point in complaining as it will only sour the occasion.

Basically I just needed to vent . . .

Please talk to her OP. A friendship should mean more than a fancy set of glasses/casserole dish and you paying for a hen night when you've been scratched from the wedding.

If I were the bride, with a massively slimmed down wedding (and one of my best friends told me how tight money was) I think I would re-badge the intimate new hen night and sub you to attend (probably not telling the other invitees).

I hope she manages to get married this time anyway.

No OP you don't have to go, and you wouldn't be 'letting her down' if you didn't, especially as it sounds like you're all going to have the original weekend together next year anyway. It really grates me that couples getting married assume their friends have endless pots of money they're happy to splash around for this, that and the other wedding related celebration.

Maybe I'm a bit sore as I was supposed to have a girls weekend later this year, now cancelled at the loss of £50 hotel deposit and £70 flights each. I know it was inevitable really but the person who made the call to cancel (and not strictly due to COVID, it was within the UK) didn't express an ounce of concern or regret that we'd all be sacrificing that money.

You have to go? It's not a summons. Just speak to her. Tell her you can't go as you're not able to afford it.

Just go. £150 is not that much compared to some hen dos people seem to go on. If it's just four of you and you're really close, it will matter to her.
Ordinarily I think people are very inconsiderate about how much ppl should pay to attend weddings/hen dos, except in this case it wasn't exactly her fault that the original do was cancelled. It's not like she's booked a second one at £240.
Do comment that if your place can be filled on the second one, you'd appreciate it, but do go to this one

EndlessMizzle has it spot on. Say that.

£150 for a “second” hen do is ridiculous.
I’d go on a night out and a meal but £150 is a lot whether or not you are skint.

I simply don't understand people who post on MN who are afraid to say that they can't afford something. Are they too proud to admit it?

It isn't shameful. Just tell them that you just don't have the money. End of.

I'd always feel sad that I let her down

She hasn’t considered you at all. Why so worried about letting her down?

A simple “sorry, I can only afford one getaway” will suffice.

I didn’t go to my ex sil’s hen do because I couldn’t afford it. Afterwards she made a comment about how brilliant it was that her friends had come, even though they couldn’t really afford it. I responded that I hope they’d be able to pay their rent this month and that my own friends would never expect anyone to go in to debt for such an occasion.

Ask for your money back for the other. If she’s as good a friend as you say she is then she’ll understand you can only afford one or the other and not both

Two hen dos, no wedding?
It's cheeky.
If you can't afford it, tell her. A good friend would understand.

How about telling her how much you want to go etc but explain your financial position, then say if you can pull out or the second one and get a refund you will use this to pay for the new one before her wedding? Hopefully if you say this she might realise the position you're in

I'd tell you if she's a true friend she'd understand however I have a friend getting married next year and her hen do is when I'm going to be on SMP and dh's already having to cover my half of the mortgage and bills and one of her bridesmaids keeps suggesting additional things we do for the bride such as spa days etc it's a nightmare! Hope you manage to get it sorted

She would be mortified if she later found out you had to do without at Christmas or cut short your maternity leave to pay for the second hen do.

Sometimes people forget the circumstances of others. Have a little chat with her.

Whats the unpaid portion of mat leave? Do you mean when you get statutory?

You don't have to go though , she has understandably decided to go ahead with the wedding . The hen do can't go ahead so is arranging something else , she probably thinks most of you are keen .Tbh if it was me I'd just arrange a low key meal and drinks .
You are going to have to speak up because she's not a mind reader and say you can't afford it .

Why does it have to be so expensive? I’m aghast at the delayed £250 hen do and then another £150 on top. I’m sure if you speak up and say it’s out of reach for you at the moment nobody would take offence and they may be relieved themselves. They can still do the £150 hen do just the three of them if they can afford it and maybe do something cheaper for the 4 of you or just you and the bride.

An afternoon tea or tapas with Prosecco or cocktails in a nice local place with some balloons etc. Is surely enough of a celebration?

We were meant to get married this year too so I get she will have had to make some disappointing compromises, but two hen dos at that cost still seems a bit much to me. Especially given that you now can't attend the wedding itself.

Can they maybe look at getting the money back for the original hen that was moved to next year? Otherwise if I were your friend is completely understand that you can't afford both.

Whats the unpaid portion of mat leave? Do you mean when you get statutory?

The last 13 weeks of my maternity leave was unpaid once SMP ended to take me up to 52 weeks.

@Endlessmizzle message is great, try that?

Altogether, you're paying £390 for her hen do - and that's not counting any extras like food, drinks. She's asking a lot, there.

Errr... Aren't there still rules about people going out together?!

I thought it was two households inside or up to 6 people outside?

Sounds like this event will still be illegal in Sept

I think it would be totally fine to say "of course I wouldn't miss it but I'm going to need to pull out of the adventure hen do and use the money from that as I can't afford then both xxxx

@DarkDarkNight if you take your full allowance the last 13 weeks are totally unpaid. Unless you have a very generous employer.’

If you are not going to the wedding, don't buy a flippin present!