To tell my plot neighbour I know her secret

[Oysterbabe]

(Lighthearted)
I have an allotment. It is poorly maintained but I do my best. I have a job, a 2 and 4 year old and I don't keep on top of it as much as I should. It gives me a lot of pleasure when I do get a good session down there though so I persevere. I have a monster pumpkin growing right now that I'm very proud of.

My plot neighbour has a beautiful, pristine plot that produces an endless stream of perfect fruit and vegetables. When I see her down there she's relaxing on her bench or gently pruning something. I often compliment her plot and express how envious I am. She'll usually give me a benevolent smile and say something about it's hard work but worth the effort.

Last night I popped down pretty late, just before dark, to stash some things I'd bought in the shed. There was a man there strimming her plot. I asked if he was a relative of plot neighbour and he wasn't. He is her gardener. He goes there once a week to do the weeding, keep everything tidy and prepare beds for planting.

WIBU to drop him into conversation next time she's watching me waist deep in bindweed?

@Oysterbabe

Maybe I do need to get this guy working for me too, but still disappear to the allotment for hours and leave the kids with my husband.

My plot has 8 big beds then an area that I like to leave as grass for the kids to play on and a couple of apple trees. The top 2 beds and the bottom 2 beds are never too bad, they can usually be kept in order with a quick weekly hoe. The middle 4 are a disaster, I don't understand why they are so much worse than the other 4. They get swamped with weeds in what feels like hours. It's a struggle for anything. Planted in them to really get off the ground. I'm considering planting up the 2 worst ones with raspberry canes in one and gooseberry and blueberry bushes in the other. Then I can just pile a fuck load of mulch around them and focus on the 2 remaining troublesome beds.

No, not disaster!

Eco-friendly natural oasis.

Oh I would drop it in to my next conversation, just after her smile and comment about hard work, and I would smile as I did it and say what a nice job he was doing hahaha

There's a massive waiting list for plots and now you have middle class twats bringing their gardeners...
Yeah, this. I know it's a light-hearted post op but what this woman is doing is not on.
You're a better woman than me if you let it go. You owe it me me, another wrangler of swamp and weeds, to take the cheeky cah down!

Because she's been telling everyone it's all her own hard work

Unless I’ve missed something theOP didn’t say her plot neighbour claimed to do all her own work just that it was a lot of work and that she works hard. Both of which are probably true.

Fucking hell there really are some mood hoovers out there. Next door is brilliant but I'd be so tempted to have fun with your knowledge of her little helper. I did think from the title she'd be growing pot amongst her sprouts.

Reading this made me wonder if any well-known people with an allotment have this (Jeremy Corbyn?).

If you do tell her that you know, please update us on the reaction you get.

Please MNHQ can we add a 'Falling Off My Chair Laughing Because This Is Bonkers Crazy' button to the yanbu and yabu buttons. Pretty please?

Ha that’s awesome! Just knowing it would be enough for me. But my tinkly laugh would be utilised with a knowing ‘indeed’ whenever she mentioned the hard work.

I’ve always wanted to outsource my gardening and I would love to be that woman, just enjoying my beautiful garden without slogging away. Instead I will despair at my ‘wildlife haven’

I thought 'strimming her plot' was a euphemism.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I wouldn't be able to stop myself making little teasing remarks that she couldn't quite be sure about.

Well aren't you the charmer

@Manolin

You should steal the gardener.

Go to your allotment one warm evening when the sun is setting, bathing the allotments in a warm, golden glow. Just by coincidence it will be when her gardener goes down. Your light cotton dress will allow the sun to stream through it, giving a hint of your thighs, calves, the hint of a nipple and what lies beneath.

Take a bowl to the water pump. Hold the handle lightly, but firmly and gently pump away, making that water rise and cascade down into your vessel. Your long, soft, slender fingers curled around that hard shaft. All the while the gardener is hidden behind the current bushes watching you....pump, pump, pump....pump. It is a hot night, and his lips are getting dry.

When the bowl is full, swish you hair over your head and wash it in this cool water. Flick it over your shoulders to dry, letting water run as riverlets, down your body. Gently rolling down your neck, your collar bone. He sees a single drop, caught in the setting sun, gently rolling down between your breasts, and he wishes he was there.

Move over to that pumpkin. Stroke it. Caress it. Feel the sun's warmth on your finger tips. You notice your dress is damp now from the water bowl. There is nobody around. It won't hurt to slither out of your dress and drape it over the pumpkin to let it dry. And you do.

As it drops to the floor you remember how it had been too hot to wear underwear. So there you are au natural like Eve. You go to grab a fig leaf, but you realise there are none there, only some rocket leaves and well, they're just not your size.

Politely, the gardener emerges from behind the current bushes with a rhubarb leaf. That will do. As he holds it out to you his hand brushes yours. It's electric. The connection is made. He is yours.

Just as the sun starts to dip behind the horizon, your neighbouring plot-holder arrives in the allotment.

But the gardener is now trimming your bush. And hers shall be trimmed no more.

Thank you Manolin

As an allotment holder myself I can't help but laugh. It's so funny. I've never heard of someone paying a gardener to come to allotment. Doesn't that defeat the purpose?!

I'm not sure I'd say anything personally. But I'd enjoy the quiet laugh by myself and the occasional continued conversation about what work it is but so very satisfying!

Thanks for the laugh @Oysterbabe!

I was enjoying the lighthearted thread until the angry comments started.

Perhaps she adores gardening, has no garden of her own and takes satisfaction in growing her own produce, but needs some helps with the heavy duty work due to illness or old age. Maybe paying a gardener for a couple of hours a week is her little luxury. I don’t see how that’s anymore heinous of a crime than the number of allotments which get left neglected or not used to their full potential.

I would make some fun jokes with her when she says it is hard word (not nasty ones!) like

'yeah it is such hard work maybe I should get a deck chair some cocktails and hire someone while I sit and watch...the gardening I mean'

This has made me laugh so much.

I’d definitely slip in into conversation when she’s least expecting it!

I would casually mention that someone has been reported to the police for lurking round the allotments & possibly growing weed, give a description of her gardener. If she only plays at having an allotment, chances are she doesn't know much about plants.

I really wouldn’t bother. She’s not doing anyone any harm, she’s providing employment, and you don’t know her personal circumstances. She still does work on the allotment though just not as much as you thought. It may be that she can’t do heavy lifting or carrying. There is absolutely no reason to try to humiliate someone like that when it makes absolutely no difference to you. Why not employ the gardener yourself?

I wouldn’t be able to resist saying:

‘Oh Judith, y’ know with your green thumb you should really go into business. You must be so fit and knowledgeable to keep your plot so nice, it’d such a shame not to share your talents. Why not teach a course or run workshops? I mean, your plot is a ready-made advertisement of how much one dedicated woman can achieve. Anyone seeing this would be gobsmacked you did it without help. Gobsmacked, I tell you. If only we were allowed professional help in here, I’d hire you myself!’

Haha. This thread is golden. I definitely get the allotment envy as I don't get to visit mine as often as I'd like, although once every couple of weeks I spend a couple of hours there just blitzing all the weeds and generally making it look acceptable so we won't get kicked out (and actually I love doing this!), but I definitely get garden envy when I see some of the other plots that are pristine, and their owners occasionally strolling over with their kids to water some plants and then go away again. But I know that they do work hard when I'm not there so they deserve their nice plots. I'd be a bit if someone had a professional gardener doing all the work for them, because it's kind of not in the spirit of allotments, but I might just be jealous.

Haha! I’d say you saw someone at her allotment after dark and thought you’d best mention it in case he was stealing her prize winning marrows!

'Move over to that pumpkin. Stroke it, caress it' gave me a right chuckle.

If you are having issues with stuff like bindweed i'd think carefully about raspberries, the buggers spread and bindweed likes to grow up it. Keep on top of pruning it back or end up with the patch I inherited. Pretty sure I need a flamethrower not a gardener to deal with that nightmare over winter.

If you can get some plain cardboard in big sheets whack that down over unused beds with some thick compost or muck on top and a layer of straw or sow some green manure seeds, it'll rejuvinate the soil and help surpress weeds. The darkness pulls the bindweed to the surface under the card so you can just pick the roots up pretty much.

Thanks for the tips!
We have loads of card and next week is the annual poo party, where a chap shows up with a truck load of horse manure to sell.
I really do only attend the most exclusive parties these days.

Growing up, we lived on the route of a riding school up to the South Downs. As soon as they heard the clip-clipping of hooves, the gentlemen of the street would be ready with their wheelbarrows! You need to keep it for at least 6 months to rot down a bit.

On a more serious note, I was easily bribed with a few beers to help friends tidy up their neglected plot. Could you have a socially distanced weeding session BEFORE the poo party.

Good luck with the pumpkin!

@Fluffycloudland77

He could be her dh. My dh would say he’s my Gardner as a joke.

That’s what I thought too. This is exactly the kind of thing my Dh or dB would say to someone as an off the cuff jokey remark.