Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my plot neighbour I know her secret

182 replies

Oysterbabe · 06/09/2020 17:20

(Lighthearted)
I have an allotment. It is poorly maintained but I do my best. I have a job, a 2 and 4 year old and I don't keep on top of it as much as I should. It gives me a lot of pleasure when I do get a good session down there though so I persevere. I have a monster pumpkin growing right now that I'm very proud of.

My plot neighbour has a beautiful, pristine plot that produces an endless stream of perfect fruit and vegetables. When I see her down there she's relaxing on her bench or gently pruning something. I often compliment her plot and express how envious I am. She'll usually give me a benevolent smile and say something about it's hard work but worth the effort.

Last night I popped down pretty late, just before dark, to stash some things I'd bought in the shed. There was a man there strimming her plot. I asked if he was a relative of plot neighbour and he wasn't. He is her gardener. He goes there once a week to do the weeding, keep everything tidy and prepare beds for planting.

WIBU to drop him into conversation next time she's watching me waist deep in bindweed?

OP posts:
Madcats · 06/09/2020 18:46

OP you aren't in Bath are you? I live downhill from some allotments and every so often somebody strims on and off for about an hour (and I know it's not the council doing it).

Save your moment (and maybe offer the guy a couple of quid to do yours at the same time - I have no idea how much a gardener costs these days).

To somebody upthread, some allotment owners have built some very impressive looking raised beds and added benches. Permission is required for garden sheds (and rules about those are quite strict because of their location).

FredaFrogspawn · 06/09/2020 18:51

I think it’s ok to get help with heavy work if you’re older or less able to dig but I totally agree, it’s not in the spirit of having an allotment to pay someone else long term to keep it for you. I’m on a waiting list (Tiny yard which couldn’t take another pot) and would be very unimpressed to be denied a chance to have an allotment so someone who has no interest in gardening has an extra (cheap) space to fart around being spiritual in.

Manolin · 06/09/2020 18:59

You should steal the gardener.

Go to your allotment one warm evening when the sun is setting, bathing the allotments in a warm, golden glow. Just by coincidence it will be when her gardener goes down. Your light cotton dress will allow the sun to stream through it, giving a hint of your thighs, calves, the hint of a nipple and what lies beneath.

Take a bowl to the water pump. Hold the handle lightly, but firmly and gently pump away, making that water rise and cascade down into your vessel. Your long, soft, slender fingers curled around that hard shaft. All the while the gardener is hidden behind the current bushes watching you....pump, pump, pump....pump. It is a hot night, and his lips are getting dry.

When the bowl is full, swish you hair over your head and wash it in this cool water. Flick it over your shoulders to dry, letting water run as riverlets, down your body. Gently rolling down your neck, your collar bone. He sees a single drop, caught in the setting sun, gently rolling down between your breasts, and he wishes he was there.

Move over to that pumpkin. Stroke it. Caress it. Feel the sun's warmth on your finger tips. You notice your dress is damp now from the water bowl. There is nobody around. It won't hurt to slither out of your dress and drape it over the pumpkin to let it dry. And you do.

As it drops to the floor you remember how it had been too hot to wear underwear. So there you are au natural like Eve. You go to grab a fig leaf, but you realise there are none there, only some rocket leaves and well, they're just not your size.

Politely, the gardener emerges from behind the current bushes with a rhubarb leaf. That will do. As he holds it out to you his hand brushes yours. It's electric. The connection is made. He is yours.

Just as the sun starts to dip behind the horizon, your neighbouring plot-holder arrives in the allotment.

But the gardener is now trimming your bush. And hers shall be trimmed no more.

Veryverycalmnow · 06/09/2020 19:04

Apparently this is becoming more normal- my brother's a gardener and does this for several wealthy people...

Veryverycalmnow · 06/09/2020 19:06

Haha Manolin!

oakleaffy · 06/09/2020 19:07

If she wants to pay a gardener, why not? No shame in having a gardener- and who knows, he may be a friend she is giving work to over lockdown.
I’d not mention him. Seems petty to do so?

DartmoorDoughnut · 06/09/2020 19:08

I think she’s my hero Grin

MaudesMum · 06/09/2020 19:09

To be charitable, she might have a back problem, or going through some sort of medical treatment which means she can't do the heavy work on her plot?? So, I'd try and find out more before condemning her! Otherwise very much not operating within the spirit of allotments...

EmbarrassedUser · 06/09/2020 19:12

Haha, so funny! I couldn’t resist saying something like ‘John (gardener) have me some fab tips for the tomatoes but I forgot to ask for his number. Could I have it please’ 😂😂

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 06/09/2020 19:12

I'd probably casually as her how much her gardener charged because you might like some help staying on top of the weeds, too. Grin

ainsisoisje · 06/09/2020 19:13

Leave the poor woman alone! Who cares if she pays a gardener. She wasn’t boasting, she is quietly enjoying something she takes pleasure in and it’s got nothing to do with you.

occa · 06/09/2020 19:16

Ha ha that's brilliant! Fair play to her.

Yes, ask if he'll do yours too! The you and your neighbour can sit on your benches together drinking gin and giggling at your 'hard work' paying off.

Msmcc1212 · 06/09/2020 19:16

Hilarious!! Have some fun. Ask lots of questions about what she does - ask for tips and ideas.

gavisconismyfriend · 06/09/2020 19:21

On our allotment site it was against the rules to have paid help with the plot. She’d have been drummed off the site by the old guard!

Oysterbabe · 06/09/2020 19:23

For the person who asked, I have a half sized plot and it's 125 square metres. It came with a shed and people are fine to add raised beds if they want.

OP posts:
Dagnabit · 06/09/2020 19:23

I’d make sure she knows you know but don’t actually say you know...but I’m a bit cruel!

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 06/09/2020 19:24

Hire him to do the job as well!

WendyHoused · 06/09/2020 19:24

I'm dying laughing, OP!

I once heard our NDN tell his visiting mate about the joys of mowing the lawn with stripes, and was sniggering to myself because I know they have a lawn service weekly.

Persipan · 06/09/2020 19:26

I was expecting her secret to be that she'd buried her husband under the courgettes and am now sadly disappointed.

forrestgreen · 06/09/2020 19:27

Tell her you're glad you've seen her as you've reported a dodgy looking guy messing with her plot late one night. The allotment are now crowd funding for extra security and are getting the neighbourhood watch involved 😂

Bollss · 06/09/2020 19:30

Did half the miserable twats miss the light-hearted in the op?

That's funny op. I would probably drop a cheeky comment in about how she must spend so much time there Grin

Why does everyone think ops judging her?!

apples24 · 06/09/2020 19:31

Casually ask her for her gardener's phone number!

DilloDaf · 06/09/2020 20:07

Leave her alone OP Grin.
Very unlikely that she's trying to pretend she's done all the work to impress you!

She probably just gives a short reply to you to shut the conversation down so she doesn't have to chat.

BMW6 · 06/09/2020 20:09

I have an allotment and am the site rep for ours. We are only allowed plot holders, household and up to 2 registered "helpers" normally, but during covid plot holders and members of household only!
If I'd come across him on our site I'd have had to ask him to leave and the plotholder would get an eviction warning! Am amazed that you don't have similar restrictions!

In your shoes I'd keep schtum until she says how much hard work it is again.......

demelza82 · 06/09/2020 20:11

Woah some posters here taking this way too seriously and need to.take the sticks out of their arses

As an owner of a unproductive and unwieldy plot myself I think this is hilarious. I wouldn't be able to help myself dropping an 'innocent' comment....