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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my plot neighbour I know her secret

182 replies

Oysterbabe · 06/09/2020 17:20

(Lighthearted)
I have an allotment. It is poorly maintained but I do my best. I have a job, a 2 and 4 year old and I don't keep on top of it as much as I should. It gives me a lot of pleasure when I do get a good session down there though so I persevere. I have a monster pumpkin growing right now that I'm very proud of.

My plot neighbour has a beautiful, pristine plot that produces an endless stream of perfect fruit and vegetables. When I see her down there she's relaxing on her bench or gently pruning something. I often compliment her plot and express how envious I am. She'll usually give me a benevolent smile and say something about it's hard work but worth the effort.

Last night I popped down pretty late, just before dark, to stash some things I'd bought in the shed. There was a man there strimming her plot. I asked if he was a relative of plot neighbour and he wasn't. He is her gardener. He goes there once a week to do the weeding, keep everything tidy and prepare beds for planting.

WIBU to drop him into conversation next time she's watching me waist deep in bindweed?

OP posts:
demelza82 · 06/09/2020 20:12

I mean 'productive but unwieldy'

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 06/09/2020 20:12

I like her style.

Brillant, OP.

Oysterbabe · 06/09/2020 20:13

Maybe I do need to get this guy working for me too, but still disappear to the allotment for hours and leave the kids with my husband.

My plot has 8 big beds then an area that I like to leave as grass for the kids to play on and a couple of apple trees. The top 2 beds and the bottom 2 beds are never too bad, they can usually be kept in order with a quick weekly hoe. The middle 4 are a disaster, I don't understand why they are so much worse than the other 4. They get swamped with weeds in what feels like hours. It's a struggle for anything. Planted in them to really get off the ground. I'm considering planting up the 2 worst ones with raspberry canes in one and gooseberry and blueberry bushes in the other. Then I can just pile a fuck load of mulch around them and focus on the 2 remaining troublesome beds.

OP posts:
fairydustandpixies · 06/09/2020 20:17

Hehehehe, that's so funny! I'd have to say something like, wow doesn't your husband/boyfriend/mate/brother work as hard as you do on your plot, how fabulous that you share your allotment together and reap the rewards 😂

Grannyspecsandslippers · 06/09/2020 20:20

Doesn't that defeat the point of having one? Our council is really strict on none-owners even being on there - you can bring a friend to help out but the owner has to be there too. It's to stop the MC twats who fancy a go but aren't prepared to do the work clogging up the waiting lists.
There's a massive waiting list for plots and now you have middle class twats bringing their gardeners...

I wouldn't mention it to her I would report her and let the plot go to someone who deserves it.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 06/09/2020 20:22

I used to help a friend with her allotment. There were a couple of retired guys who practically lived there, and when they’d exhausted stuff to do to their own plots would enthusiastically muck in with anything else that people wanted help with. A couple of crates of beer could get your plot razed to the ground by spring, and they’d possibly chart your plot to take advantage of the space if they were feeling that way out.

SeasonFinale · 06/09/2020 20:24

Maybe she lives in a flat so has an allotment for her own outside space. Maybe he does some work and so does she. Maybe if you start making nasty jibes she will report you to the allotment committee for not maintaining yours properly and they may take it away. Would a bit of oneupmanship be worth that? If not I wouldnt bother saying anything.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2020 20:26

Not getting the issue here. And all the suggestion of passive aggressive bitchy comments,

Really she can do what she wants. Envy isn’t pretty.

ChickensMightFly · 06/09/2020 20:28

I like that ladies style. 😁 She knows what she wants and how to get it, and a sense of humour to boot, I bet she was chuckling a little inside, because y'know it's of no consequence is it... If she was gloating and being all superior that would be different.
I'd take a hip flask and share a tot with her and then bring it up if the Gardner was gorgeous so you can thank her for the eye candy

mrsBtheparker · 06/09/2020 20:35

Seek her advice on weed eradication, does she use a systemic product or non-systemic? WHat's the ph of her soil, ask her. You could have such fun!

gettingfedupagain · 06/09/2020 20:40

Ask her if her gardener is named on the allotment agreement. If not she may be breaking allotment rules by giving him a/her key...

rorosemary · 06/09/2020 20:41

I think it's genius! I don't have the energy or strength to keep a big allotment weed free and the only allotment association in my town only has these massively large plots that I couldn't keep on my own. I do love growing and eating fresh fruit and weird veggies. I might look into a gardener to help me, it's a good idea. I diagree that an allotment is all about doing it yourself, plenty of people nowadays like having produce that is really fresh and hasn't been chemically sprayed or whatever. With your own produce at least you know what happened to it. Also, less food miles.

starfishmummy · 06/09/2020 20:43

I'd have to start asking her lots of questions about gardening - how does she prune this, best compost or plant food for that, when should you plant xxx

MrsExpo · 06/09/2020 20:44

Despicable .... choose your moment and “mention” the gardener. Grin

letsmaketea · 06/09/2020 20:46

That's so funny! I'd casually mention how my plot was really getting on top of me and ask if she'd be willing to share the details of her gardener Grin

SeasonFinale · 06/09/2020 20:47

@gettingfedupagain

Ask her if her gardener is named on the allotment agreement. If not she may be breaking allotment rules by giving him a/her key...
as might the OP by not maintaing her plot properly. Why does it bother you that someone whom is obviously regularly there and enjoying it has help to maintain it. Perhaps she is a cancer survivor who wants to know where her food comes from. Why is it so important to you to have her lose her plot?
Aridane · 06/09/2020 20:48

I wouldn't mention it to her I would report her and let the plot go to someone who deserves it.

Wow

MrsMayo · 06/09/2020 21:01

I often compliment her plot and express how envious I am. She'll usually give me a benevolent smile and say something about it's hard work but worth the effort.

Makes me laugh how some light hearted threads make people fuming.

It was obvious OP was just having a laugh. After re reading I think the lovely lady might not give a shit if anyone knew she had a gardener and thinks its funny. At the least the OP and lovely lady have a sense of humour.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/09/2020 21:05

He could be her dh. My dh would say he’s my Gardner as a joke.

MrsMayo · 06/09/2020 21:07

@Fluffycloudland77

He could be her dh. My dh would say he’s my Gardner as a joke.
This.

My DH sometimes jokes I'm The Cleaner. Please dont anybody tell me to LTB. It's a joke and I'm no Mrs Hinch.

DukeOfEarlGrey · 06/09/2020 21:16

I admire this woman. Outsourcing is the perfect answer to many of life’s little challenges.

Daffodil1967 · 06/09/2020 21:18

I’ve not read all the previous posts,sorry. That is so so funny.
Enjoy your allotment OP

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 06/09/2020 21:21

dont say anything, he might have been teasing you

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 06/09/2020 21:24

@Manolin

You should steal the gardener.

Go to your allotment one warm evening when the sun is setting, bathing the allotments in a warm, golden glow. Just by coincidence it will be when her gardener goes down. Your light cotton dress will allow the sun to stream through it, giving a hint of your thighs, calves, the hint of a nipple and what lies beneath.

Take a bowl to the water pump. Hold the handle lightly, but firmly and gently pump away, making that water rise and cascade down into your vessel. Your long, soft, slender fingers curled around that hard shaft. All the while the gardener is hidden behind the current bushes watching you....pump, pump, pump....pump. It is a hot night, and his lips are getting dry.

When the bowl is full, swish you hair over your head and wash it in this cool water. Flick it over your shoulders to dry, letting water run as riverlets, down your body. Gently rolling down your neck, your collar bone. He sees a single drop, caught in the setting sun, gently rolling down between your breasts, and he wishes he was there.

Move over to that pumpkin. Stroke it. Caress it. Feel the sun's warmth on your finger tips. You notice your dress is damp now from the water bowl. There is nobody around. It won't hurt to slither out of your dress and drape it over the pumpkin to let it dry. And you do.

As it drops to the floor you remember how it had been too hot to wear underwear. So there you are au natural like Eve. You go to grab a fig leaf, but you realise there are none there, only some rocket leaves and well, they're just not your size.

Politely, the gardener emerges from behind the current bushes with a rhubarb leaf. That will do. As he holds it out to you his hand brushes yours. It's electric. The connection is made. He is yours.

Just as the sun starts to dip behind the horizon, your neighbouring plot-holder arrives in the allotment.

But the gardener is now trimming your bush. And hers shall be trimmed no more.

I'm dying. :o

This is the Mumsnet I adore.

Oysterbabe · 06/09/2020 21:26

@Manolin

You should steal the gardener.

Go to your allotment one warm evening when the sun is setting, bathing the allotments in a warm, golden glow. Just by coincidence it will be when her gardener goes down. Your light cotton dress will allow the sun to stream through it, giving a hint of your thighs, calves, the hint of a nipple and what lies beneath.

Take a bowl to the water pump. Hold the handle lightly, but firmly and gently pump away, making that water rise and cascade down into your vessel. Your long, soft, slender fingers curled around that hard shaft. All the while the gardener is hidden behind the current bushes watching you....pump, pump, pump....pump. It is a hot night, and his lips are getting dry.

When the bowl is full, swish you hair over your head and wash it in this cool water. Flick it over your shoulders to dry, letting water run as riverlets, down your body. Gently rolling down your neck, your collar bone. He sees a single drop, caught in the setting sun, gently rolling down between your breasts, and he wishes he was there.

Move over to that pumpkin. Stroke it. Caress it. Feel the sun's warmth on your finger tips. You notice your dress is damp now from the water bowl. There is nobody around. It won't hurt to slither out of your dress and drape it over the pumpkin to let it dry. And you do.

As it drops to the floor you remember how it had been too hot to wear underwear. So there you are au natural like Eve. You go to grab a fig leaf, but you realise there are none there, only some rocket leaves and well, they're just not your size.

Politely, the gardener emerges from behind the current bushes with a rhubarb leaf. That will do. As he holds it out to you his hand brushes yours. It's electric. The connection is made. He is yours.

Just as the sun starts to dip behind the horizon, your neighbouring plot-holder arrives in the allotment.

But the gardener is now trimming your bush. And hers shall be trimmed no more.

How did I miss this? 😂 😂 Incredible.
OP posts: