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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What the actual hell???

129 replies

Ordinarymamma · 05/09/2020 19:17

So....my dh is going away on a motorbike trip next week. He's going quite often with different people and they always bring tents and camp at gorgeous places. As in, a perfect motorbike holiday. This time is very different.....he's going with this other guy, who im not particularly fond of, but thats beside the point. So last night my husband came back from this guys house after they had been planning the trip. Telling me that this guy is taking extra money with him because he's planning on getting a prostitute whilst they're away!! What??? I cant even explain how pissed off I feel about the whole thing! My dh keeps going on, and on, and on and on about how this has got nothing to do with him and just because that guy is doing that doesn't mean he is. Yeah im not even doubting that but that isn't even my point! So.....AIBU for being angry or have i got a point??

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 06/09/2020 07:10

So, 'mate' hires a prostitute for what? An hour? The night? The whole trip? What is the DH expecting to do while 'mate' is spending time with the prostitute, sit in the bar playing patience?

The 'mate's' behaviour is disgustingly immoral and the DH just sounds wet.

FippertyGibbett · 06/09/2020 07:32

When someone is lying they give you far too much information about the situation.
It would be a red flag to me.

rookiemere · 06/09/2020 07:43

What a horrible thing for his friend to do. Apart from everything else, doesn't it totally change the dynamic of the trip? Presumably your DH wouldn't be going if the man brought his wife, and this is another woman on the trip so it ceases to be a lads trip and instead becomes a sleaze fest regardless of if your DH participates or not.

Obviously ethical and moral concerns. Love the poster who brings it all back to Coronavirus coz obviously that's the only concern here.

I'd tell him if he goes he needs to self isolate for a fortnight afterwards ( covid may as well come in useful) and he needs to get a clean STD test before he's allowed into the house. Actually sod that I'd tell him that I'm happy for him to have his own trips with his friends but a line has been drawn and anyone engaging in paid sex on a trip is a red line for you.

Notimeforaname · 06/09/2020 07:54

Sorry but I don't think your husband is going to sit outside the room or in the bar for however long his mate is planning on abusing a vulnerable woman.

Your husband is fine with this.

Fine with the prostitution, fine with the cheating on the wife so why is it not obvious to you that it's highly likely he will partake too??

As pp said, he's given you too much information, he's laying the ground work.
Don't be so silly op.
Open your eyes. Your husband thinks this is ok.

Lumene · 06/09/2020 07:56

YANBU at all OP. What kind of person goes on holiday with a ‘mate’ who is going to use a prostitute. Disgusting.

Gizlotsmum · 06/09/2020 08:04

Did you know it was going to be in hotels before this revelation or did your oh lead you to believe it was going to be in tents as normal? Is this about it not being the biking holiday you assumed or about the prostitute?

Your oh obviously doesn't see the issue with his mate using a prostitute... Why? Is it because he assumes the women are paid well and choose to do it or that it's his mates business and nothing to do with him as he isn't getting one?

You might have more success if you ask him calmly why he doesn't think it is an issue and explain why it is to you than getting all outraged...

FrauleinF · 06/09/2020 08:50

Maxim for relationships...

You can judge a guy by the company he keeps.

Not overly impressed tbh

rookiemere · 06/09/2020 08:57

@Gizlotsmum I would think that suggestion of a paid sexual worker being involved in your DPs holiday, is one of the few occasions where a lack of calmness would be appropriate. It's revolting and preposterous to even countenance going away with someone preparing to do that, and a certain amount of righteous anger would not be misplaced.

Gizlotsmum · 06/09/2020 09:04

[quote rookiemere]@Gizlotsmum I would think that suggestion of a paid sexual worker being involved in your DPs holiday, is one of the few occasions where a lack of calmness would be appropriate. It's revolting and preposterous to even countenance going away with someone preparing to do that, and a certain amount of righteous anger would not be misplaced.[/quote]
But it doesn't appear to be achieving anything? Maybe working out what bit of the outrage her oh doesn't get will be more successful?

Original poster

Ordinarymamma · 06/09/2020 09:21

Thanks for everyones views. So, the trip starts tomorrow. And no, I had no idea it would be cities they were visiting, I found that out actually the day after I found out about his mate going to get a prostitute. As it stands now, im not really talking to my DH as I don't want to argue but im that annoyed with him im unable to have a normal conversation with him. Im not worried he's going to use a prostitute but after reading all the comments, maybe i should be? Im also not one of them women who tells their husbands what do, never have been and would never lower myself to become one. As is he,he would never stop me from doing what I want to do. So actually, usually, we have a really strong marriage. This has made me question everything. Im always touchy feels and bwfore he goes away on his trips, i shower him with love. Not through insecurity, but because going on a bike can be very dangerous. I cant wait for him to just go now if I'm honest. He's just asked me if I want do something or go somewhere today and my reply was just- nope!

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 06/09/2020 10:06

Im not worried he's going to use a prostitute but after reading all the comments, maybe i should be?

We are known by the company we keep, so yes.

Im also not one of them women who tells their husbands what do, never have been and would never lower myself to become one.

You're allowed to set any boundaries you like in a committed relationship, and not being ok with your husband getting involved, no matter how periperally, with the rape/purchase of a woman is a pretty good boundary to have.

As is he,he would never stop me from doing what I want to do

Course he would. You're married, restrictions of fidelity come with that, along with reasonable expectations of socially appropriate behaviour of both parties. Presumably he also wouldn't be ok with you abusing those more vulnerable than you, or standing by whilst your friend does. That that would be an entirely reasonable boundary for him to have - as it is for you.

GabsAlot · 06/09/2020 10:23

so he wouldnt stop you going away with a friend who was going to use a sex worker?

RoseyOldCrow · 06/09/2020 10:25

I think the phrase is "abuse a woman" rather than "use a prostitute".

Notimeforaname · 06/09/2020 10:29

This has made me question everything
Yes op... question it. Don't you think most of the people out there who have been lied to and cheated on have thought their spouse would never do it???

BubblyBarbara · 06/09/2020 10:34

You need to nip this in the bud immediately and give him an ultimatum, the trip or you! Odds are a bit of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” mentality creeps in and they’ll be sharing this girl like you see in videos online.

MintyMabel · 06/09/2020 10:35

Friday night mumsnet where all the 'cool wives' hang out.

Sorry, are people not using enough ???!!!??? for you?

How childish to throw around the ridiculous “cool wife” trope. If you can’t trust your husband not to go on holiday with a guy who chooses to use prostitutes, the problem is yours. Don’t put that on women who have chosen decent men.

Notimeforaname · 06/09/2020 10:37

Will they be sharing a room op? Have you asked your husband what he will be doing when his friend does this?
Ask how the friend is planning on doing this... Will they be walkin down the street looking for a street walker... Will he be calling an escort? Of course none of this really matters its a horrible thing he's doing. But at least you'll have more information from him and be able to see if he's looking awkward or lying... Maybe

MintyMabel · 06/09/2020 10:37

We are known by the company we keep, so yes.

Utter rubbish. I have friends who take drugs, I have friends who drink to excess regularly, I have friends who have regular one night stands with men. I don’t do any of those things because I am an adult who can make my own choices.

If you only have friends who are exactly like you, how dull your life must be.

Jennygentle · 06/09/2020 10:43

My DH is far from perfect but I know for a fact he’d be pretty disgusted by this and call off the holiday.
I think you know what to do, OP.

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 15:24

@MintyMabel

Friday night mumsnet where all the 'cool wives' hang out.

Sorry, are people not using enough ???!!!??? for you?

Decent men don't hang out with dudes like this

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 15:26

@MintyMabel

We are known by the company we keep, so yes.

If you only have friends who are exactly like you, how dull your life must be.

The thing is, with a ONS you aren't necessarily hurting anyone. If you drink to excess you're only hurting yourself. Using a prostitute is entirely different. Ethical people know it is wrong.

Lollyneenah · 06/09/2020 15:32

I would bet money on your DH partaking as well OP. What's he going to do while his friend is with this lady? Face time you?

It's not a biking holiday at all- hes already lied to you about that. It would be like getting a train to Soho and calling it a trainspotting holiday.

I love my dp but if he went along with this his bags would be packed and I'd be sending him back to his mother.

PicsInRed · 06/09/2020 17:13

@MintyMabel

We are known by the company we keep, so yes.

If you only have friends who are exactly like you, how dull your life must be.

I'm not friends with rapists and participants in the commercial trafficking of raped women. Neither should anyone be. 🤷‍♀️

Happylittlethoughts · 06/09/2020 17:47

None of your business really

BubblyBarbara · 06/09/2020 17:56

Random thought.. should vegans be friends with non vegans if they find the idea of killing animals for food so contemptible?

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