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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the actual hell???

129 replies

Ordinarymamma · 05/09/2020 19:17

So....my dh is going away on a motorbike trip next week. He's going quite often with different people and they always bring tents and camp at gorgeous places. As in, a perfect motorbike holiday. This time is very different.....he's going with this other guy, who im not particularly fond of, but thats beside the point. So last night my husband came back from this guys house after they had been planning the trip. Telling me that this guy is taking extra money with him because he's planning on getting a prostitute whilst they're away!! What??? I cant even explain how pissed off I feel about the whole thing! My dh keeps going on, and on, and on and on about how this has got nothing to do with him and just because that guy is doing that doesn't mean he is. Yeah im not even doubting that but that isn't even my point! So.....AIBU for being angry or have i got a point??

OP posts:
Manolin · 05/09/2020 22:53

This reply has been deleted

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WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 05/09/2020 22:59

Good God my dp wouldn't dare go on a trip that involved his mate going on some grubby mission.

He has more respect for me and for women in general. I'm not one for dramatics but if he chose to go it would be game over for our relationship.

ScreamingBeans · 05/09/2020 23:03

Your problem is with your DH.

He sees nothing wrong with his friend's planned infidelity and paid rape of a vulnerable woman (who has an 80-90% probability of having been sexually abused in childhood and who was probably groomed into prostitution as a child or very young adult).

I wouldn't want to live with someone with such an undeveloped moral sense tbh. I think you're transferring your disquiet and disappointment about finding out that your husband is not a good man, onto his disgusting friend.

LangClegsInSpace · 05/09/2020 23:07

Sounds like a sex buying trip not a bike rally.

YANBU - What the actual hell?

Pobblebonk · 05/09/2020 23:10

But why are you angry with your DH? I can't see what he's done

Isn't it obvious? He's agreed to carry on with the trip despite knowing his friend's plans. Therefore he's full condoning prostitution.

Other issues apart, his friend is risking not only STDs but also covid, which means the risk will be passed on to OP's husband.

BumholeJ · 05/09/2020 23:24

I agree it could be a possibility he’s hoping he can get out of it via you kicking off following him telling you...

Realistically the “friend” will most likely be selecting from a site such as Adultw*rk (don’t want to fully name), and probably in a lad fashion will be showing/asking opinions on various listings prior to booking (while this is a stretch with the available info sadly I have known men of this ilk and this type of preamble would not be unusual).

Maybe this makes your DH really uncomfortable and he knows it’ll happen and he’ll have to join in some “wey-hey” type asset analysis of various dehumanised women while his friend decides who he will ultimately be buying.

Hence why he’s mentioning it upfront- as he already knows this will feature in the trip and he knows this isn’t acceptable so is basically warning you and secretly hoping you’ll put your foot down.

If he was planning on doing this himself I think it’s unlikely he’d mention his mate was doing it (unless you were likely to find this out about his mate in another way).

Whatever the truth, YANBU

Shizzlestix · 05/09/2020 23:46

I think I’d be annoyed that my dh was friendly with a bloke like this. I would lose respect for my dh.

Cocomarine · 06/09/2020 00:40

If your husband is totally innocent and just “telling you everything” and if you don’t have any ethical issue with prostitute use...

This guy is married.

No fucking way would I want to go on holiday with a friend who was using that time to cheat on their wife/husband.

I just couldn’t be part of that.

If your husband can, it really says a lot about his character, doesn’t it?

The mate is scum, and your husband’s an arsehole.

MadameBlobby · 06/09/2020 00:47

@Msmcc1212

The casual attitude your DH has about it and the fact he can see nothing wrong with it (the planned cheating, the prostitution of vulnerable women who are most likely beholden to some horrible violent pimp and the potential to bring back horrific STIs/Covid to his wife to mention the obvious) is worrying. If it were my DH I’d be questioning my whole marriage, my judgement of character and would be phoning a divorce lawyer.

It’s just wrong in all ways. Horrific. YANBU.

This! Word for word this! I couldn’t find the words as to why it’s so disgusting but this is it. Vile.
Anordinarymum · 06/09/2020 00:52

So his biker mate is a 'Lairy Biker' then

:)

Staffy1 · 06/09/2020 01:47

Will they be wearing masks? Well, someone had to say it Wink

JessicaBlack101 · 06/09/2020 02:14

Agree with PicsInRed.
"Why are you upset, I TOLD you what we were doing" Does your DH see you as his mom? Just wondering if this is the equivalent of Spring Break for old men. Stay in a hotel and "hire" some expensive escorts.
So I'm wondering. If the friend has the cash, will he just suggest your DH join in, as he has already pre-paid?????

Paying for it aside. Say they just went to a bar and just brought someone back to the room from there. What kind of bike trip is it when you go out FOR the the purpose to shag. Guess the friend doesn't want to hire someone locally. This REEKS of a shag fest weekend.

Anordinarymum · 06/09/2020 02:22

@Manolin

Bollocks. All of this story. Smile
:) :)
littlecatfeet · 06/09/2020 02:24

YANBU your husband's friend is trash and a man is known by the company he keeps.

user1481840227 · 06/09/2020 03:56

@BumholeJ

I agree it could be a possibility he’s hoping he can get out of it via you kicking off following him telling you...

Realistically the “friend” will most likely be selecting from a site such as Adultw*rk (don’t want to fully name), and probably in a lad fashion will be showing/asking opinions on various listings prior to booking (while this is a stretch with the available info sadly I have known men of this ilk and this type of preamble would not be unusual).

Maybe this makes your DH really uncomfortable and he knows it’ll happen and he’ll have to join in some “wey-hey” type asset analysis of various dehumanised women while his friend decides who he will ultimately be buying.

Hence why he’s mentioning it upfront- as he already knows this will feature in the trip and he knows this isn’t acceptable so is basically warning you and secretly hoping you’ll put your foot down.

If he was planning on doing this himself I think it’s unlikely he’d mention his mate was doing it (unless you were likely to find this out about his mate in another way).

Whatever the truth, YANBU

That would make him a pretty sad individual if he needs his wife to get him out of the trip Confused.

Is he not capable of even bringing himself to say "nah that kind of holiday isn't for me".

Jesus if that was your partner you'd be afraid to let him go on a night out or any trip abroad in case the people he was with decided to go to strip clubs/take drugs or whatever it was that you had a problem with because he wouldn't have the balls to say no to the lads!!

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 04:31

I couldn't look at him either. If I was married to someone who was OK with their friend using prostitutes on their trip away, then I'd be pretty upset and reconsidering my marriage.

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 04:36

I think you should show him this thread. He should already know how unacceptable this is.

heartsonacake · 06/09/2020 04:40

I don’t see why you’re angry at all. You’re with your partner, who has said he has no intentions of visiting a prostitute, not his mate, who has.

They’re two individual adults capable of making their own decisions.

You also don’t get a say in their holiday is “supposed” to be; if they want to stay in hotels rather than tents that’s up to them.

You’re making a mountain out a of molehill here and I think you’re angry because you’re anxious your partner will see a prostitute if it his mate is. But the thing is, if you don’t trust him, your relationship is dead anyway.

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 04:47

@heartsonacake

I don’t see why you’re angry at all. You’re with your partner, who has said he has no intentions of visiting a prostitute, not his mate, who has.

They’re two individual adults capable of making their own decisions.

You also don’t get a say in their holiday is “supposed” to be; if they want to stay in hotels rather than tents that’s up to them.

You’re making a mountain out a of molehill here and I think you’re angry because you’re anxious your partner will see a prostitute if it his mate is. But the thing is, if you don’t trust him, your relationship is dead anyway.

Another "cool girl".
seayork2020 · 06/09/2020 04:52

I dont hold my husband to account for choices others make, sure I would think to have a friend that does this is an odd choice of friend but they are both grown ups and my husband is not a puppet if he wants to go that's up to him

Ablackrussian · 06/09/2020 05:07

So, are your DH and friend staying in separate hotel rooms?

squeekums · 06/09/2020 05:11

It wouldnt sit well with me. Agree with posters who say its a confession and alibi all in one

Baileyscheesecake · 06/09/2020 05:42

When is this trip planned for? If it is in the next few weeks I would ask him to cancel it due to the covid risk alone. The rate in cities is rising fast and the risk of his mate having sex with a prostitute massively increases the risk of him bringing covid home to you.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2020 06:02

Your DH is condoning abuse and exploitation of women, adultery, and deceit.

He has told you who he is - a man who thinks all of that is ok.

Your move.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2020 06:04

Apparently this is common with stag dos too. I presume therefore there are a fair few men, who don’t condone or condemn.

Have you asked your dh if he thinks he should still go? And how he will handle being pressured into participating?

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