Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught him watching porn - wtf do I do now ???

52 replies

Ohmygodwtf · 05/09/2020 15:43

I’ve named changed for this post as I’m mortified and also don’t want to risk being outed.

Story so far....
Have ds1 who turned 11 during lockdown. He’s young for his age. He has been asking some questions re sex Ed as they did it at school before summer holidays.
We talk openly at home when questions are raised. I also brought him a book to help him discover what is happening to his body etc.
First week of holidays, I walked into his room after calling him for ages to be faced with him having a wank. I calmly walkedout, shut the door and nothing was said. Think I may have been shell shocked.
I’ve since walked past his room twice and caught him at it with the door open and younger siblings mooching about.
I’ve had the discussion with him about ensuring he finds times where he isn’t going to be disturbed and has privacy.

The final straw for me was Thursday when I picked up the family iPad to pop a cartoon on for Ds2 and I went onto safari and there were windows open. I clicked on a couple and they were women in underwear, a few others were of naked women and the final window was porn.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. He’s 11. He’s an immature 11. No older siblings. No phone so no access to stuff on there. With lockdown he hasn’t seen friends or had access to many people at all. Only just started high school this week.

I feel like I’m so out of my depth. Please help me with some advice or words of wisdom or something as I am blaming myself, I have always wanted to be open with my kids. I want boys who aren’t afraid to buy sanitary good for their female friends. Boys that feel like they can approach us about anything. But this has thrown me, I’m not prepared. I feel like I’m raising a potential sex pest. Surely to god 11 is far far to young for anything like this.

OP posts:
U2HasTheEdge · 05/09/2020 17:52

@StonersPotPalace

I'm finding it v gross to call it wanking when you're talking about a child.
Same.

But I always wonder if these threads are genuine.

For a start I am not sure why you would post it on AIBU and not in a parenting forum.

GabsAlot · 05/09/2020 17:52

why are thre no parental settings on yhour internet-basic things before giving a child access to the internet

OscarWildesCat · 05/09/2020 17:57

Am I the only one thinking 11 is VERY young for this kind of thing?, perhaps I’m naive but I’d be concerned at 11.....

SmileEachDay · 05/09/2020 18:06

EugenesAxe

Gosh. Many ways it was a disaster.

Totally unrealistic expectations of sex and the female body.

Hardcore sex acts coming before relationships.

A lot of confusion around consent.

Zero idea about how a sexual relationship builds gradually.

No concept of any balance during sex - completely focused on their own pleasure.

A heightened contempt for the females in their life - this was probably the biggest issue, for me? Referring to girls as slags/whores etc

Absolute denial that the women they were watching might be trafficked, not consenting, under age, being raped etc

So you can see what the impact on the girls who were their peers would be.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 05/09/2020 18:07

Naive, sorry!

Thisisnotnormal69 · 05/09/2020 18:07

Oops that was to @OscarWildesCat !

SirGawain · 05/09/2020 18:14

Not sure if wanking at 11 is normal /possible blushbut maybe it is?!
It was when I was that age.

greengreengrass14 · 05/09/2020 18:24

If this is a genuine thread, which I doubt that it is.
You need as a parent to do the following:

Number one block all internet access for the child
Number two take devices away
Number three contact the child exploitation and online protection agency and ask them for advice. Google it.
Number four if necessary contact the safeguarding officer for the school .
As things stand you do not know if your child has been groomed and you do not have appropriate safeguarding controls in place at home . Change it.

Teacher12345 · 05/09/2020 18:26

He needs to close his door when masturbating and everyone needs to knock before going into each others rooms - no more needed, don't make a big deal out of it.
The porn thing, discuss and put on parental controls.

Soubriquet · 05/09/2020 18:27

It think masturbation is normal at 11 yes

Hell my dh lost his virginity at 13 so you know..

He does need to learn to close the door and you need parental controls. Masturbation is fine. Porn at 11 is not

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/09/2020 18:44

Number three contact the child exploitation and online protection agency and ask them for advice. Google it.

CEOP aren’t going to be remotely interested in an 11 year exercising curiosity about sex through accessing porn. There’s nothing to say he’s being groomed - if he was he’d be more likely to be secretive about what he’s looking at and what he’s doing.

It just sounds like he’s got to that stage earlier than the OP realised he might and before she had put controls and measures in place.

freeingNora · 05/09/2020 19:06

There's a great book on amazon called good pictures bad pictures which will help support you

tiredanddangerous · 05/09/2020 19:27

Be careful what you're sharing folks...

Batshittery · 05/09/2020 19:34

The main issue here, is that you have an iPad that you use to show cartoons for DS2, but don't have any parental controls on it. Yeah ok.

Original poster
Ohmygodwtf · 05/09/2020 20:56

I can assure you this is a genuine thread.
To answer some of the things raised:
I called it wanking as I honestly didn’t know how else to put it. I am aware of the other names for it, but in this instance I just wanted to express my personal terminology of it.

I am educated. I am well aware of anatomy and physiology and puberty. I’m aware every child is different. However this particular child is my first born, my baby. He is young and honestly maybe I’m the one with the problem, but I wasn’t, still am not prepared for this stage.

I’ve not experienced parenting a pre teen before, he is the first to go through this stage and when the others get to this stage then hopefully I will be armed with more knowledge and experience to draw from.

I don’t remember being 11, I don’t remember what I was curious about which is why I started this post. I’m asking for advice not a hard time about the context of the thread.

As for internet protection, we have very basic settings as up until now we didn’t even think about it. We don’t have a tv, no gaming systems. The children generally just have access to amazon prime and they have their own log in icon. And on occasion they use YouTube for kids but generally iPad time is when either myself or my husband is with them and assist the younger ones to put things on. Or my ds1 has the iPad as he plays mine craft.

I will get DH to sort parental controls in the morning. Thank you to those of you who have advised on that.

I’ve taken on board the privacy aspect and think popping a lock on ds1s door is a wise move so he feels he can control his privacy.

I really appreciate all your supportive messages. To those who feel that this topic is not appropriate to discuss, then I apologise, however I used AIBU instead of parenting for traffic.

I need to get this right for my son, I don’t ever want him to feel that masterbation Is wrong, but I need to handle it in a way that he had social awareness and also discuss the images and the fact that they are a far cry from normality.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 05/09/2020 21:16

I think you are doing ok OP, kids will be kids and mine did circumvent parental controls by accessing the sites at school......these were the days ...when the kids knew more about internet security than the teachers!!!!

EugenesAxe · 05/09/2020 21:39

@SmileEachDay oh goodness - that’s awful. I’m being really naïve in saying that though, I guess. Thanks for sharing - it’s important people understand the seriousness of it.

SmileEachDay · 05/09/2020 21:43

that’s awful

Yes.

The other thing, actually, was that lots of the boys were actually quite freaked out and anxious about what they’d seen.

On another note, your husband’s porn use sounds problematic. Different thread though maybe.

Oldbagface · 05/09/2020 21:48

Maybe not barge into his room and knock in future until he says it's ok to go in.

Tell him his door must be closed when he mastubates.

Tell him it's fine.

Let him crack on.

The porn issue is difficult I agree but he's going to look no matter what.

I know this sounds a bit shit but better than porn. Are there any female celebs he likes? Maybe get him some posters for his room.

DH really fancied a certain Cindy Crawford in his youth. He had posters. He still has massive respect and kind thoughts of her.

Pizzatoast · 05/09/2020 21:52

What most people have said.

Please don’t make him feel ashamed. Masturbation is normal.

The thing that is more worrying is how porn influences young people’s minds. The expectation of women and sex is so unrealistic but if porn has been a huge part of their education then they’ll go into the world thinking every girl looks and behaves like whatever the hell they’ve watched .

Perhaps talk to him about how sex can be a feeling/ need / urge and that’s okay but also educate him on how sex is also an emotional connection for some people. The difference between sex for women and men.

Some women may like to have sex for fun, for pleasure, for an emotional connection etc

Some men may like to have sex for above reasons.

Good luck!

KitchenRollHuggers · 05/09/2020 21:55

Child controls on every device in your house

A lock on the inside of his bedroom door

Sorted

Neversayn1 · 05/09/2020 21:59

@OscarWildesCat

Am I the only one thinking 11 is VERY young for this kind of thing?, perhaps I’m naive but I’d be concerned at 11.....
I would too! Ohhh maybe it’s more the fact that the child’s mother is aware and he even leaves the door open!
Lou898 · 05/09/2020 22:25

You need to have a chat with him. He may not be actually accessing porn. You know what it’s like when you google something and then other things pop up. He may have clicked on it and then closed it. You may be worrying about something that’s not an issue. I think boys of that age do look at images and to a point it’s normal and part of growing up. If he was accessing porn regularly then that would be an issue and it would need to be addressed, but I’d talk first.
I had a discussion with my son at around 13/14 when I saw images of topless women being sent between him and his mates. I know it’s curiosity a lot of it but I wasn’t happy and let him know. I also highlighted that if these girls/women turned out to be under 18 he could be in trouble for distributing images. I think he was quite shocked as he hadn’t thought of that and said he wouldn’t do it anymore.I think he stopped after that.

Whitegrenache · 06/09/2020 09:49

@rvby

Not sure if wanking at 11 is normal /possible blushbut maybe it is?! how do people have actual children and yet never manage to educate themselves on the absolute basics of human development. The mind boggles.
This was me and I can assure you I am very well versed in the human body having a physiology degree and working in sexual Health!! And I know boys have erections from birth - but I genuinely didn't /don't know if an 11 year old pre teen boy would know how to do it ?! I mean I get they will Touch etc but I guess I'd never really thought about it - maybe I'm being naive but having an 11 old boy who is still Very physically immature and never having a penis I don't know factually If it happens at that age
rvby · 06/09/2020 16:21

Ok if you literally google "what age is normal for masturbation" you will find the WebMD page that says: Masturbation becomes goal-driven around age 10. Boys in particular are trying to get to the point of orgasm, and at around 11 or 12, they may start seeking pornographic material.

www.webmd.com/parenting/features/caught-your-kid-masturbating

Confused really sorry but there's no excuse for this level of ignorance!!