Comments from the office clown

[PumpkinsAndBroomsticks]

I work in quite a male dominated environment. There is one particular person, who is known as the clown for practical jokes and outrageous behaviour. He is in his 50s and has been there for around 30 years and everyone just accepts it.

One on one he is fine and I get on well with him - he is actually quite friendly and a helpful person. But when he is around the younger men he completely changes it is as if he's a different person.

He will say things to me to amuse them and create laughs. For example, he asked when I will be getting pregnant and said he can 'help out' if needed. In a conversation about household chores, I said I hate cutting the grass and he said 'I will come and do it for you, and I'll do your bush as well'.

He never says these things when no one is around, it is just to rouse some laughter. I just shake my head but it's starting to make me uncomfortable. There is no HR department but even if there was, it would make things awkward if I made an official complaint. I spoke to a colleague about it and they said it's just him and that's who he is, I don't need to take any of it seriously. Is this something other women would laugh off / am I being over sensitive?

Sounds very much like a guy I used to work with (although he's only mid-40s so probably not the same chap). He made those sorts of comments constantly.

But one day I was walking to another building with him, and the path was narrow as you got towards the door, so single file is required. He said, "you go ahead of me, and I'll look at your bum." I stopped him right there and then and said, "if you EVER say something that like to me again, I'll report you for harrassment." He was this big ex-rugby player type chap, but I've never seen him looked so shocked. He sort of bumbled an apology, and it was never mentioned again.

@Redcliff

I would talk to him and explain it makes you feel uncomfortable and you need him to stop. If he doesn't I would talk to his manager.

What Redcliffe says. If you feel able, do it in private, away from everyone else in a place where you can express yourself clearly and safely. No need for threats. Just a clear, direct express instruction to stop. If he doesn't then proceed by approaching manager etc. etc.

Do not fight banter with banter. Really. (And by the way, some of the suggestions made on here for things you to say could be construed as harassment and discriminatory in themselves if you repeat them).

My guess is he has no idea how he is making you feel. So telling him may give you a chance to stop it. Once and for all. But he only gets this one chance. If he fails by all means, elevate.

If you do not feel able to deal with it yourself, then yes approach his manager.

When he does it again

I really don't like it when you make jokes about having sex with me/ about my body in front of everyone.

You need to stop doing it.

PS
When my workmates started talking about paying for sex I just said, I don't think this conversation is for me. We can finish this work another time. and got up and walked off.

Of course he knows how it makes her feel.

He's trying to bond with the other men in the time honoured fashion of humiliating a woman. How she feels is the whole point. It's a power play as well.

@madroid

For GS are you posters for real? Are you trained in 50s workplaces?

Just take him to one side, say your 'jokes' are sexist and I don't like it. I want you to stop making them. No excuses, no apology, no explanation.

If he doesn't stop take him to one side again and tell him it's his last chance and you will take further action if he doesn't stop.

If he doesn,t then it's time to go to a manager/MD & tribunal if necessary.

Please don't put up with this, or sink to his level by taking on the same tone. There are laws against sexist comments. Use them if necessary. For the sake of the next generation of women coming after you if nothing else.

Fully agree with this.

He sounds like an obnoxious little prick and jokes about having sex with women in the office and their pubic hair belongs in the 1950s FFS. These are the kind of things you expect from teenage boys, not your grown adult professional co worker.

Pull him aside and tell him, its not funny, you dont appreciate it and if he doesnt cut it out, you'll be making a formal complaint. Lets see how many laughs that gets.

At the risk of sounding uptight, I HATE it when people do this at work. I hate sexual banter and double entendres. Partly because I don't always get it and partly because I just find it boring and awkward and don't know how to respond, and knowing my lack of tact I'm likely to say, "Oh sure, you can fuck me up the arse as well." The only exception is when it's friends and people I know and trust.

It's not uptight for a woman to feel uncomfortable when a man makes references to fucking her in front of a whole load of other men. At work.

I agree with PP that, however tempting a witty comeback is, you're just engaging with the tedious juvenile harassment.
You do not need to put up with this shit. There's no excuse for it. If anyone says "that's just what he's like" then that's not good enough.

Don't be "that" woman working in a male environment with a chip on her shoulder/something to prove/direct line to HR

Come back at him with a witty come back 🤷‍♀️ once he's been put in his place a few times he'll learn that he can't use you for laughs

Do not let it continue. He's an arse.
I find a 'would you like someone to speak to your daughter/wife/etc like this when she's at work?' Can help too.

I'm not sure I agree with having to explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Explanations and reasons really aren't necessary. He shouldn't be saying these thing and he needs to be told that they are unacceptable just because they are unacceptable rather than because he's making a work colleague 'feel uncomfortable'.

My getting up and walking off when my colleagues were talking about paying for sex had zero impact on my working relationships.

The idea you should suck it up/ join in the banter is pathetic.

Woman are allowed to have boundaries and not wanting a man at work to joke about fucking you is hardly precious.

Well fuck that!

HR!!

“There’s funny and there’s sackable. That’s crossed a line”

“Not funny and makes you look terrible .”

“They’re laughing out of embarrassment I think, people don’t talk to women like that anymore”

“That’s disgusting please don’t talk to me like that again”

I agree with people saying don't joke back as then it will seem like it's just all jokey banter.

I think your response should be to allow him to see how uncomfortable and upset you feel. Be serious and dignified, but allow him to see you are a human being with feelings. You could say something like, "that's a really horrible thing to say. Please don't speak to me like that." If he is a decent person, as you say, he will almost certainly feel very ashamed.

I also agree with pp who say keep a record. Every time something like this happens, note the time, date, who was present and exactly what was said. You might even think about using your phone to record the incidents. If you have to escalate and report him, you need as much evidence as you can get. Good luck.

At the risk of sounding uptight

You are NOT uptight. I hate that as women, any time we place a boundary on unwanted sexual comments or attention we get labelled as "uptight". Its not uptight to not want a group of men to be joking about having sex with your or your vaginal grooming habits.

Would you say to your male boss "Hey dude- how big is your cock?, Linda in accounts and me have a bet going- she thinks its tiny, I think its just below average based on how miserable your wife looks!" and then when he looked shocked would you tell him "wow- you're SO uptight, you must have a cocktail sausage then!" haha!
Of course not- so why on earth is it ok for co workers to do it to you? Its not fcking ok and it doesnt make you "uptight". This insidious attitude that if you dont shut up about harassment is exactly why women have been sexually harassed at work for years and not a thing has been done about it.

@Haworthia

Start calling him Colin Hunt, after the “office joker” character in The Fast Show.

That would be lost on me!

@NiceGerbil

It's not uptight for a woman to feel uncomfortable when a man makes references to fucking her in front of a whole load of other men. At work.

I'm glad you said that and that so many people are telling the OP not to put up with his 'jokes', because I worry that if you don't laugh at shitty sex banter you'll get written off as a prude or a snowflake. I'm autistic, this kind of banter was used to bully and humiliate me at school, and I find it very hard to deal with as a result.

Is it specifically aimed at you?
Does he just make jokes aimed at women?
If sso then yes this I would say is sexual herasment .
However if he just uses toilet humour jokes in general I,d just say "yeh whatever". I guess it depends on how personal your feal it is. But yes you can take it further should you choose to. Or just talk to the guy and say you rather he din,t use that kind of humour because it is in danger of being classed as herasment. He may not even have thought of it that way ?

@ivfbeenbusy

Don't be "that" woman working in a male environment with a chip on her shoulder/something to prove/direct line to HR

Come back at him with a witty come back 🤷‍♀️ once he's been put in his place a few times he'll learn that he can't use you for laughs

Jesus Christ.

Yes @PumpkinsAndBroomsticks don’t be THAT woman who doesn’t just sit there and take sexual harassment.

I would say outright “stop sexually harassing me” to his face. If he doesn’t stop, you must bite the bullet and report him.

I don’t care how long he’s there or if that’s his way. His way is not ok. It’s not even legal where I’m from.

Omg, what a vile creep!

Does your company have a sexual harrassment policy? If not, it should have. In almost every place I've worked, this would be a disciplinary matter.

There was a guy like that at a local authority I worked at in the '90s. Witty put downs didn't work on him, but once when he alluded to shagging me, I told him I'd rather have it sewn up than let him near it and everyone present pissed themselves.

They didn't they didn't have ANY harrassment policies at all, but a sexual harrassment policy was introduced when I'd been there a couple of years. The next time he said something inapporopriate, I just said "We have a sexual harrassment policy now. The next time you make an inappropriate remark, I'll be making a complaint under (whatever paragraph of the policy was relevant)". This was in front of our senior manager.

There was a deathly hush, and the creep never said anything like that again. I later heard that he'd been "spoken to" by the chief officer, which must have really put the shits up him.

@ivfbeenbusy

Don't be "that" woman working in a male environment with a chip on her shoulder/something to prove/direct line to HR

Come back at him with a witty come back 🤷‍♀️ once he's been put in his place a few times he'll learn that he can't use you for laughs

This is nonsense.

Some women are very good at firing back witty put downs and can shut men like this up quite easily. But why should they have to? It's not a professional way to talk to your colleagues, in fact it's against the law. Instead of putting the focus on 'that' woman, why not focus on 'that' man? How about, don't be 'that' man working in a male environment who makes the women there feel uncomfortable and unwelcome, and perpetuates a horrible sexist atmosphere with nasty comments designed to humiliate and embarrass their female colleagues.

We had an office clown but could also turn nasty if he was in a bad mood. One day it seemed to be my turn and he started impersonating me and mocking how I spoke. So I turned around in front of him and told him he reminded me of a childrens see saw and in order for him to feel up he needed to put someone down. Everyone else laughed and he shut up. I think like others have said if you feel confident enough call him out in front of others or ask him to stop when your one your own. I think he is doing it to make himself feel better/ fit in but sadly at your expense

@ivfbeenbusy

Don't be "that" woman working in a male environment with a chip on her shoulder/something to prove/direct line to HR

Come back at him with a witty come back 🤷‍♀️ once he's been put in his place a few times he'll learn that he can't use you for laughs

But other posters have said that that'll just encourage him.

Don't be "that" woman working in a male environment with a chip on her shoulder/something to prove/direct line to HR

Wow- this is utter bollocks.

We should ALL be THAT woman because sexual harassment at work is not funny and its not ok and its not acceptable. I pity you if you feel men making crude comments about your body parts means you have a "chip on your shoulder"- where does it end? is it ok for them to grope the OP? how about touching her breasts?- after all, God forbid a woman has a big ole CHIP on her shoulder eh?

Bloody hell.