To cancel christmas

[amms36]

This year has been absolutely awful. I am not convinced that it is going to improve over the next few months either.

I have tentatively told family members that I am cancelling Christmas this year. By this I mean I won't be putting up a tree, I won't be doing any 'festive' shopping, and I won't be doing anything special for Christmas Day.

Likewise, I don't expect any gifts, or anything related to Christmas.

DH thinks this is extreme and I am being unreasonable. My point is that I have never particularly loved Christmas, and feel this year especially it feels like more trouble than it will be worth. Who knows what restrictions will even be in place come December?

I'm looking forward to Christmas bringing a sense of time to the year, all our normal signals of where we are in the year are scrambled - the summer seems to have disappeared. Having the decorations up, then down, feels like the chance to reset my internal clock.

I would happily stay at home with a takeaway for Christmas day, I hope to use this year to break the cycle of doing what other (adults) in our extended family want, and have a quieter one.

If I were your husband I'd go and have christmas with my own family and leave you to your own misery.

Tell dh if he wants a tree, decorations and the big dinner that is fine but you won't be getting involved nor leaving the house to visit anyone.

I would tell them they can organise everything they want Xmas wise as you’re not going to. Let them crack on

I certainly agree Christmas won’t be what it should be this year, but I plan on getting creative and making the best if it! We all need something to look forward to, even if it’s a few days off work with new pyjamas, good food and a feel good movie. We have a choice to either go into 2021 having given up or hoping for change.

I certainly agree Christmas won’t be what it should be this year

I don't know. I have a feeling that they will actually be what they should be. Just look at how many people are not doing big shopping, spending like crazy etc. This is forcing us to have calmer, slower, cheaper Christmas, not hurried, expensive, stressful ones.🤔

All the usual pressure of Christmas is your own fault though! I’ve never been stressed at Christmas nor do I end up spending heaps of money! We just chose to not do the big turkey dinner! We all chip in and bring various food for the day - we do a secret Santa for the whole family so only buy one gift! Partner and I always book a fun activity or a trip for another time instead of bothering with presents!

Sometimes we go on holiday instead of doing family Christmas.

All the pressure / stress doesn’t have to be part of it

As an aside - when did it become a Christmas tradition to stay in your pyjamas?

I would wait and actually see nearer the time tbh. No point doom and glooming, imho christmas will personally be a welcome distraction from the crappy year its been

@SockYarn - I completely agree with you - the idea of snuggling under blankets, drinking hot chocolate and watching old films, whilst dressed in the obligatory 'PJs', just makes me want to run for the hills!

I too love the lengthening days, promise of spring around the corner and the new beginning feeling of New Year's Day, when all the decorations go back in the attic.

Having said that, I loved Christmas at home with my parents. Yes, we had our own traditions and certain food, etc. but it was magical and fun. My DH on the other hand has zero interest in Christmas and it has rubbed off on me now. It's all too much bother for him to think about presents, food, what to do, etc. so I don't enjoy it very much at all now. The only thing he wants to do is see his children/grandchildren who I have absolutely nothing in common with, so that too puts a damper on my day! However, I have already bought a Balsam Hill tree in the Christmas in July sale and have an attic full of decorations, so will be putting them up!

So you dictate the rules for 'your' house? Poor husband, maybe he thinks that after an awful year we all need a little bit of light relief, a tree, decorations etc., you could cut back on the spending however, most spend too much.

We've had a rubbish year. To be honest Covid has been one of the less miserable parts of it. We've lost three of our close family, we've missed DD's
18th birthday celebrations, we've had cancelled holidays and other celebrations, we've had a level exam/university admissions nightmares, to name just a few.

We will most definitely be celebrating Christmas. It'll be a day/few days if happiness and cheer - partly to celebrate the end of the last year, to spend time together in happy circumstances and to be able to look forward to moving on Friday. 2020.

But then we've never found Christmas a chore in the past but mainly as we've always chosen to celebrate it on our own way, and never had to deal with the pressure of everything having to be perfect for everyone else.

You see being unfair to dictate your not Christmas' in your Dh though. He should be allowed to put up a tree and decorate His home if he wants too. And he should be allowed (even encouraged perhaps) to go and celebrate with other people if you won't.

YANBU
Everyone should be free to celebrate or not as they wish. He can do whatever he wants but no reason why you should have to join in.

Hi SCROOGE. I think it's even more important to celebrate this year with the closest people too you even if it's just your house hold. I'm not going mad on presents but will be having a big tree etc.

"My point is that I have never particularly loved Christmas, and feel this year especially it feels like more trouble than it will be worth."

For me, this is the central point of your thread @amms36. The troubles of 2020 have simply brought it all into sharper focus for you, but this desire to opt out of all the Christmas hoo-ha has been coming for a while, hasn't it? Particularly since "if Christmas is to happen, it will be me who does the cooking, does the organising etc etc." Doing all the work for something you don't particularly love. Yes, it is indeed time for a change.

Another comment you made was "The reason I am thinking about it now is because I know I am days away from a full on pressurising from family members."

I'm guessing said family members find it most convenient for you to host, for you cook, for you to make THEIR Christmas Day all they want it to be. And they start applying the pressure to you in September . Well. All I can say to that is - Fuck. That. Shit. Stop "tentatively" telling them that you're cancelling Christmas, and tell them DEFINITELY that you are.

"Usually we have family over or would visit family with younger children."
Hosting others on the day is hard work and can be expensive. With your incomes now dropped to just 25% of previous it's an expense you can ill afford. I wouldn't tell your family this is the reason though, I suspect they'd just say they'll contribute financially and still expect you to do all the work. So, if you mention money at all to them, it's just that the money angle started you thinking about it, and it's the thinking about it that led you to realise that you'd just rather not.

"DH thinks this is extreme and I am being unreasonable."
A total cancellation is extreme, yes. But you've already said, in response to other posters, that "The suggestions of a compromise are fair." So go for a compromise. No hosting/visiting, but a special Christmas meal that he plans, shops for and cooks. Token presents. Decorations that he puts up (I do love a fairy light).

Which brings me to this - "I don't see much to celebrate. In fact, under current circumstances I just think it'll be a reminder of how miserable everything is right now." Your mood sounds low, and - yes there's a lot to be miserable about. Doesn't mean we have to be miserable. I think you should start taking your mental health more seriously, because 2020 is putting a lot of pressure on everyone's mental health. Where you can, divert your thoughts to life's little pleasures. A sunny day, a walk in the park, listening to the birds sing. Freed from planning and preparing Christmas, turn the time and energies you would have used on that to yourself. You deserve them. ((hug))

Sorry - very long post!

Last year I had a real downer at Christmas. I love the season but I'd started a new job, a lot to learn and a lot of responsibility. On top of that my mum was in a home with dementia - my DSis's visited over Christmas but not Christmas Day so I had taken it upon myself for me, DH and DS to visit on the day. I also have a small on line business which was ridiculously busy. And I was trying to 'do Christmas' like 'it should be done' (whatever that is).

I'd left the Christmas gift buying late (DH always does his family Christmas and birthday gifts - he's a grown up so doesn't need me to shop for him). I'd left the Christmas cards late so, even with DH taking loads to work (he was working away which didn't help either), I was still stressed at night and not sleeping because I had a list in my head that wasn't getting shorter. And, yes, he did offer to go and buy them but, guess what the control freak in me said?

I was a control freak about the Christmas tree - which went up late because the on line business was crazily busy. But would I accept DH and DS doing it alone as they suggested? Nope, I had to do it - control freak.

I'd booked an event we all enjoyed the previous year, the Saturday before Christmas. Which coincided with my on line business final day so I was rushing to sort all that out. Talk about trying to do it all!

And then did the Christmas shop on the Tuesday before Christmas! I have never done a big shop in Christmas week - it's manic - but I'd got so stressed with DH working away (forgot how much he actually does at Christmas time), new job, mum, on line business. I'd run out of days to do the shop gradually.

Going to mum on Christmas Day meant mid morning hauling DS, who was 11 at the time, out from under the pile of presents, rushing back to cook lunch then realising mum didn't even know what day it was. Mum actually ignored us saying goodbye on the day as the team were bringing around chocolates when we brought her down from her room, so she'd have been perfectly fine with her fellow residents and we could have spread the days out a bit. But guilt makes you do things rather than really think about it.

I ended up in tears Christmas afternoon and vowed then that it was going to be different.

So I sat down and wrote out all the stuff that had been 'crap' in my mind - even the rushing off to see mum when I knew deep down a few weeks before that it wasn't going to work and she didn't know it was Christmas. I then worked out what I would do differently.

This year I've been adding things like jars of pickles (the non perishables) to my shopping trolley every so often and popping them in a box in the spare room. If Covid lock down comes again I'll still have my piccalilli ha ha! Mum used to do the same and we used to laugh about it. Now I can see why - she worked full time and had three of us plus a small budget. Always spread it out she'd say. I'll get the other bits and pieces as they hit the shops. Then it's the perishables nearer the time and that's it. Buying two or three 'bits' each shop is a lot easier to cope with.

I've already bought a few things for DS and DH as I've seen a slowing down in the post with my business and I think ordering early is the key this year, especially if we get a lock down.

I'll buy the cards as soon as they come out and DH and I will write them between us over time instead of setting up the stress levels. I've set up a label for each person on the PC so that saves the writing of addresses! Anything to make things quicker or easier when I'm busy.

Mum sadly died this year but I had put on my list that we would have done a Boxing day visit this year. The care team were lovely on Christmas day but they actually had so much to do with gifts/treats/huge Christmas meal for every resident, that they like the visits spread out too. It got too much for mum last year with the noise and us taking her away from the festivities to talk in her room (all she wanted was her chocolate and mince pie!) but I'm glad we did the final Christmas with her.

Oh, and my sisters and I haven't exchanged Christmas gifts for over 20 years. When their children came along my sisters asked if I minded just doing the kids. They could then spend the money they'd have spent on me and DH on a nice bottle of wine or a trip to the panto and we'd do the same. DH spoke to his sisters after Christmas about doing the same and they breathed a sigh of relief. So no one apart from the children in the families will get gifts from us this year. I'll buy for DH, he'll buy for me and we'll spend the rest on a treat for our little family.

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year. I booked the event we go to (yes they've already opened the books and were selling out fast). But I've done it for two days after I close my on line business for the season. It gives me a couple of days to de-stress from my busiest month of business.

I realised, last year, that I need to think about what is important to me and mine rather than doing Christmas the way people think it should be done. If you want pie and mash on Christmas day, then have it. It's your day.

I do think, though, that you can't just cancel Christmas if there are other people involved. You have to put yourself in their shoes. I did - I was so annoyed at crying on Christmas day. Poor DS wasn't sure what was going on. DH was concerned with my stress levels and was desperately trying to help me. That is not happening this year - I've cut the rubbish, the stuff we do just because it's Christmas. We're doing Christmas our way - I've already spoken to DH and DS about what they really enjoy at Christmas and that is woven into the timetable. If they want something that takes up a lot of time organising it, they have to plan it though. I'm spreading the stress this year - which hopefully means there will be much less.

We'll have a good one this year as a way of celebrating (hopefully) we've got through this stage of Covid. Then we'll relax and take on the new year whatever it brings.

OP I can understand you not being up for your 'usual' family Christmas given the stress and financial insecurity you're in.

However, Christmas is usually marked by some celebration in your family.

I think it would be reasonable to have a different type of celebration this year.

Can you agree this with DH and family ? Have a conversation about finances/ stress etc and share out the 'work' involved ?

Perhaps agree a no presents this year and a less expensive meal with you and DH providing 1 course, another family member providing another and someone else providing the drinks etc.

Then agree with DH to share the effort of decorations and cleaning etc.

That way you can still have a much less expensive and less stressful Christmas but still be able to share it with family, as after all, the fact that you still have family after Covid is something to celebrate in itself, isn't it ?

It's ok if that's how you feel that way but it's not really fair on your dh. Can you not just have a nice quiet Christmas, just the two of you? When you say cancelling Christmas are you not celebrating at all? What happens if your dh wants to watch a Christmas movie, will you not watch it with him? Christmas isn't only about food & presents. It's very hard to avoid it.

If your dh wants the tree etc let him do it. Who knows, it might make you feel a bit of the spirit of the season.
Presents don't need to be expensive. Could you do a secret Santa with your family so you only need to buy one present? Set a max budget. We do this with our family for anyone over 18 and my adult kids join in too.
I see Christmas as being together, and enjoying each other's company. Play games, go for walks, get your favourite foods in.
You could still meet family, if they are near by, maybe for a walk. Brings flasks of hot chocolate (laced with dark rum or your favourite tipple ;) for the adults)
Mark the day, but in a different way to how you would usually do it. Who knows, it might be the start of a new family tradition.

I just don't understand why people feel the need to share their deal

Because when people are used to doing X for the 25th of December, and particularly for those who like to buy and plan early, they can act like you're an asshole if you don't tell them beforehand - and some do even when you're upfront about it. People have a lot of feelings and investment around holidays.

I stopped celebrating Christmas as a teen. I have no happy memories of it. My spouse understood & is happy with our routine of working so others can have it off and watching The Hogfather while having a takeaway. My in-laws said they were happy with it, how awful and stressful they found Christmas -- until we had our first DC, and then we had a few years of them being assholes about it. It took actively encouraging them to participate in other gift-giving occasions with us, and being stubborn that no amount of snarky remarks or trying to use the kids to guilt us would work for them to just stop talking about it.

I agree that the DH should be included in the choice, it's his home too, as long as he puts in the effort for what he wants to happen. I've seen far 'Christmas dictators' pushing other people to do what they want to 'make Christmas special' with no appreciation of that work for that pageantry than those of us who just don't want it in our homes.

I'm sorry to read many of the stories on this thread, and I send a genuine hug to all of those who are struggling right now, or have had to contend with very difficult circumstances this year. I hope you can celebrate the end of the year in a way that feels right for you - whether that be a full celebration, something scaled back, or maybe nothing at all.

I am not announcing it to be a 'drama llama'. Unless I make it clear now, I will be accused of setting up drama later on, when I'm told that presents have been purchased, plans made etc. I could understand the point if I was saying I wasn't celebrating Christmas but expected everyone else to make provisions for me. What I'm saying instead is I don't expect anyone else to make plans for me, and since I will soon be pressured about it all, it's better to make my position clear now.

DH would be welcome to go somewhere else if he decided that he'd prefer that. I have never stopped him socialising as he wants, whether that be going out on a weekend while I am at home, or going away with friends.

I will look at a compromise in our house. I don't want to go to other family members, nor do I want the pressure of having to host the event at mine either. I suspect that if I told DH he would have to organise the whole thing to make it happen, he wouldn't be so upset about no Christmas that he'd actually put up a tree, cook a full dinner etc. That's not to speak bad of him, but it's just not something I think he'd be that inclined to do.

I have found this year very difficult (as have many others, so I'm not suggesting I'm unique). Since I expect we'll be facing a lot of uncertainty moving into next year and beyond, I just don't think I can find it in me to feel much like celebrating, and don't want to feel forced into it either.

@Adwodeabo

It is a bit extreme. I can understand why you don’t want to go out shopping or go to events and family meet-ups, but there’s no reason why you can’t put up the tree, order some gifts online and make a nice dinner just for yourselves.

My ideal Christmas. Every year, not just in a pandemic.

I suspect that if I told DH he would have to organise the whole thing to make it happen, he wouldn't be so upset about no Christmas that he'd actually put up a tree, cook a full dinner etc.

In that case his opinion is irrelevant. Do what you want to do OP.

I suspect that if I told DH he would have to organise the whole thing to make it happen, he wouldn't be so upset about no Christmas that he'd actually put up a tree, cook a full dinner etc.

Well there you are then. Just say 'I have arranged Christmas for the past x years, I am just not up to it this year. I am prepared to cook x and do y but if you want a, b and c then maybe you can organise it.'