Children mustn't see grandparents until vaccine found?

[Witterywoman]

Now that the kids are back at school, SIL has said her kids must isolate from both sets of grandparents in case they give them Covid picked up at school, and this must continue until a vaccine is found. All 4 grandparents are over 70 but healthy, no health conditions to speak of. My parents are particularly upset and don't understand it. I don't get it either and don't intend to stop them seeing my kids.

Are we missing something?

@TheKeatingFive

Up to the grandparents

There’s no way my parents want to make that degree of sacrifice to minimise their risk, so we’ll continue to See them while being as careful as we can.

why is it up to the Grandparents. If they get sick and die from this it will be the children and SIl javing to live with the guilt

Well the GPs can say that they are OK with seeing their GC even though they are back at school, but they can't force either parent to take them there!

As others have said, older people will not want to put their lives on hold, as they don’t have that much time left

To be fair, none of us know how much time we have left...statistically older people may have fewer years, but nobody knows when their end may come.

why is it up to the Grandparents. If they get sick and die from this it will be the children and SIl javing to live with the guilt

Surely they have the right to decide themselves what level of risk they take? Bit infantilising to take that off them.

Are people social distancing when meeting family when they have school age children, bearing in mind the virus can go both ways. So if the GPS are active and meeting other people they could be a risk to the children. And we are not just talking risk of death but risk of transmitting the virus to more and more people.

For the poster who said of course there will be a vacccine and this will be 'over - absolute rubbish. Are you privy to the results of the trials at the moment?? The WHO has come out and said at the moment there is no vaccine in live trials at the moment that is showing more than 50% efficacy. The Hong Kong flu of '68 still does the rounds each winter now. This will become part of every day life, it won't 'go away'.

People need to be very aware if there is a vaccine rolled out it won't be a cure. It will provide a level of protection, but a proportion of people will still catch it.

Also other studies have shown based on antibody results that the actual proportion of the population that has had COVID vs the amount that has died comes out at less than 1%.

Death comes to us all and if the older generations want to spend their final few decades taking the very small risk of dying or never seeing their GC and families again, it should be up to them to make that choice.

We're going back to maintaining social distance for now and will see how things go.

why is it up to the Grandparents. If they get sick and die from this it will be the children and SIl javing to live with the guilt

The guilt would be alleviated by knowing that you respected their wishes and let them spend time with the people they loved, as per their choice as adults.

I cannot imagine the guilt of depriving a parent of their grandchildren only to have them die anyway during that time period. That would eat me alive.

@alittleprivacy how is it scaremongering to raise the issue that there may never be a vaccine? It's a fact - the vast majority of potential vaccines fall at the final fence. Hopefully there will be one but there are no guarantees and I think we all need to mentally prepare ourselves for that fact. That doesn't mean we should take unnecessary risks but it does mean getting our heads around the idea that we might need to live with a risk with that can't be eradicated and finding a workable balance between preserving lives and making sure those lives are worth living.

[quote stovetopespresso]@lyralalala that sounds like you've really had to think that one through and tread a compromise line to live a life and be safe![/quote]
We have, but lockdown has shown that, despite working in schools my whole career, I can't homeschool and look after DD3 as well. Even with the teens home from Uni it was impossible.

I was meant to be going back to work after a few years as a SAHM, but we've had to can that as it was a risk too far at the moment (would have involved me working in a different school, so just too many exposures).

I can undertand where the OP's SIL is coming from. We had SIL's kids here at the start of lockdown as she works in ICU and we had to say that we would take the kids, but she couldn't visit or we couldn't take them.

Ultimately though I think with GP's, especially elderly ones, they should have the final say when this situation is likely to go on for a good while.

Depends on GPs

My PILs are 82 and 78 and out all the time. Restaurants, pubs, shops, friends.

My mother 73, is going to pubs, parties and God knows where else

They'd hate to be infantalised and quite frankly, their social lives are far more active than ours!

We’re leaving it up to our grandparents to decide (they all want to continue to see their grandchild)
All in their 80’s one with Emphysema but they’d be heartbroken to go so long with no contact.

@AndAnotherUsername

I can see her point of view. Risk to over 70’s is very high, it’s easy to forget that as the risk to younger folk is negligible.

I would look at local infection rates, consider if the children are capable of distancing, and judge from there.

As others have said, older people will not want to put their lives on hold, as they don’t have that much time left.

It is not very high.

Are they aware we have a flu vaccine and a lot of people still die of the flu?

I think it should be partly up to the GPs how much risk they want to take, but the risk is not just one directional. What would happen if SIL's dc got COVID or suspected COVID and needed to self-isolate for potentially up to a month (if one got ill and had to self-isolate, followed by the other or another member of the household).

Dh and I are really not seeing anyone outside of necessary work contacts and dc seeing other children at school/nursery. We are NC with our parents, so that bit is simple anyway. The reason is that if one of us or our dc got ill, it would mean potentially up to a month off work if we would need to self-isolate until everyone was better again. After nearly 6 months of trying to balance my high pressure job and having dc at home and dh being self-employed and not getting paid for being at home, it's really not worth it. We need to work. We'll see friends and family again eventually, but right now we have to prioritise work and school.

@TheKeatingFive

why is it up to the Grandparents. If they get sick and die from this it will be the children and SIl javing to live with the guilt

Surely they have the right to decide themselves what level of risk they take? Bit infantilising to take that off them.

Like I said of the worst does happen they won't be around to deal with the heave guilt that will be felt by SIl and her children. They will jave to live with the knowledge that their exposure to the grandparents is what killed them. Grandparents won't have to deal with that. Sil doesn't want to take that risk and I don't blame her

I've given up the fight to be honest. My parents desperately want to see the kids, and I held off for a while. We saw eachother but outside and no cuddles, but I don't think that can last forever. I don't like to be dramatic, but 'people' and especially family, is what it's all about, isn't it? I didn't mind when I thought it would be a short period, and I followed all the rules, but I can't do that to my parents indefinitely. But also, I couldn't live with myself if the kids did give my parents the virus. 🤷‍♀️

I think I'll keep an eye on it, and if infection rates go up in our area then I might stop the contact. And until then, I'll try and make meetings be outside as much as possible.

I don't think your SIL is wrong though, and she is following the rules, so can't be faulted really.

I'm so glad my Grandma hasn't had to live through this. She died a couple of years ago in her 80's. She absolutely loved her family and she would have been heartbroken if we had to refuse to take her Great Grandchildren to see her. It is so sad.

That’s nuts. What kind of life is that, for the gps or the dcs? In the unlikely event they get/spread it it’s by far the most likely outcome that they’ll all be fine.

It’s all very well to say it’s for the grandparents to decide but if they were to contract it via a grandchild , the burden of guilt on the child would be hard to bear.

When DS was about 9 he had a nasty D&V bug. We duly kept him away from his late 70s GPs until he had been clear for a few days. The day after our visit his Grandad was very ill, pain and vomiting and was eventually taken to hospital. My son was distraught that he had made his granddad ill and no matter how I tried to reassure him that we had been safe and careful i was worried and guilty too. It eventually transpired Grandad had appendicitis and he made a good recovery from his operation but I will never forget the fear and distress my son felt at that time.

Sounds like SIL doesn't want to have contact with her folks or ILs and has found the perfect get out clause.

@Thecobwebsarewinning I see that’s been horrible, and I wouldn’t take a sick child to visit my ancient dad but wouldn’t stop it because they might get sick.

Keep an eye on local infection rates - the risk could be anything from remote to quite high. Children have been back in school 3 days here and I already know a group that have been put into isolation due to a cough (and our local rates are low).

We've seen the GPs on both sides just once since Covid began. Both sets have serious health issues. Outside, in the garden, no hugs. 2 metres distance except when absolutely necessary (in which case masks worn). We isolated for 2 weeks before going to see them.

We've discussed seeing GP at xmas and given children will have just come from mixing at school, we don't think seeing them is reasonable unless the situation has vastly improved rather than, as people expect, deteriorated. We might stay nearby and go for short walks outside with them at xmas as a compromise.

It's tricky as both are ill and time is ticking. If there's no vaccine soon then I think it's likely they'll decide to take their chances, and enjoy seeing the GC in the time they have left, as that's one of the few things to bring them pleasure.

My parents are 75/76 and although we didn't go near them at the start of this, the longer it has gone on, the more they have decided that they don't want to spend what time they have left being isolated and unhappy. They are very active and we are a close family so even if I said they couldn't see my children, they would still be seeing other people.

They have made the choice to take their own risks, so they have been doing their shopping online since the start so that they don't have to unnecessarily be around lots of other people in supermarkets but they are seeing people they care about. They are well aware of the risks but they are intelligent adults so it's their choice. I don't think they'd have any regrets about their decisions if the worst was to happen.

That said, my dc ate 12 and 14 so they don't spend as much time with their grandparents as they once did and now they are back at school I won't be using them for childcare if I absolutely don't have to.

We've discussed seeing GP at xmas and given children will have just come from mixing at school, we don't think seeing them is reasonable unless the situation has vastly improved rather than, as people expect, deteriorated. We might stay nearby and go for short walks outside with them at xmas as a compromise.

@WeirdlyOdd this was a concern for us as well! We had debated celebrating the holiday either before we went back to school (if we had opted for in-person instruction) or making it the very last thing we did before going back in the new year so we could quarantine beforehand.

For those asking why we wouldn't do this for the flu -- there is a vaccine for flu and effective therapeutics exist, and we're still cautious as both of my parents have heart conditions which limit what treatments they can have. We have gone long stretches of time without getting together during flu season to avoid getting my parents or GP ill.