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Original poster

Children mustn't see grandparents until vaccine found?

551 replies

Witterywoman · 04/09/2020 14:05

Now that the kids are back at school, SIL has said her kids must isolate from both sets of grandparents in case they give them Covid picked up at school, and this must continue until a vaccine is found. All 4 grandparents are over 70 but healthy, no health conditions to speak of. My parents are particularly upset and don't understand it. I don't get it either and don't intend to stop them seeing my kids.

Are we missing something?

OP posts:
Pinkrinse · 06/09/2020 15:52

As a grandparent this is nonsense, in my opinion, maybe if you have underlying health conditions, the government advice I heard recently was if gp pick them up from school they should avoid hugging until they have changed and washed hands. I certainly will not be avoiding my gc until there is a vaccine - I may for ever!

LovelyIssues · 06/09/2020 18:29

@VinylDetective you and your son have decided to take that risk and made that decision Smile good for you. The OP sis in law has decided to keep her parents and in laws safe, that's her decision and good for her Smile

TheKeatingFive · 06/09/2020 18:31

that's her decision and good for her

So it’s all about ‘her‘.

What about the grandparents? They don’t get a say in their own destiny because they’re old, is that it?

LovelyIssues · 06/09/2020 18:32

@VinylDetective and my parents and in laws never looked at it as us treating them as children or dictating to them. We've all been sensible and know once the children returned our bubble would be broken Smile we would never forgive ourselves if we unintentionally gave them something with them being elderly & vulnerable

LovelyIssues · 06/09/2020 18:34

@TheKeatingFive at the end of the day it's her children and ultimately her choice. She's obviously weighed up the risk and has decided to keep them safe on their behalf. A lot of people I know are deciding the same now the children have returned. No one I know has had an issue with it Confused

QuestionMarkNow · 06/09/2020 18:53

@LovelyIssues, but she isn’t trying to keep her dcs safe. The dcs have already seen the grand parents loads of time.

She has decided that she was going to keep the grand parents safe from her dcs. She took the decision FOR two couples of adults who really should be able to make that sort of decision on their own. I mean they are not senile!!

puffinkoala · 06/09/2020 18:56

The OP sis in law has decided to keep her parents and in laws safe, that's her decision and good for her

She hasn't decided to keep them safe, because there's no such thing. She's taken an irrational decision that the only way her parents are going to get the virus is from her kids. Which unless they never ever go out, is complete rubbish. If someone catches the virus you will never know, in most cases, where they got it from, even with super-spreading events, as they could have coincidentally got it elsewhere, though obviously it's unlikely.

My DH hasn't been to see his mum in case he gives it to her. But she has carers and SIL going in every day - they are much more likely to pass it on.

QuestionMarkNow · 06/09/2020 18:56

And why is it ok to take a decision on their behalf.
Would it also be ok to decide what sort medical treatment they are going to get in their behalf? What’s sort of food they should? How much exercise they should do? Who they are allowed to see or not as a general rule?
You are really saying it’s ok for one person to decide on behalf on another adult just because what? They are younger???

Please tell that to the many PM, CEOs etc... that are getting older (Trump and Biden included) that they are too old to even decide who they should see or not....

Frazzled2207 · 06/09/2020 18:58

Up to the grandparents. I worry about my parents but seeing their grandsons is the only thing keeping them going at the moment. They have almost stopped doing everything else socially but still want to see them and I cannot stop them (not that I want to). I am going to be a bit cautious these next few weeks though until we have a better understanding of what happens in schools.

I honestly think the mental health of older relatives has been totally disregarded these last few months.

Frazzled2207 · 06/09/2020 19:04

If she’s not been out since March then clearly she is being more cautious than she needs to be IMO. Cases may be rising but the death toll went up by 2 today I wonder how many people died in the same period by cancer/heart disease/Flu/dementia/Everything else.

We’ve learnt that it is possible to go out and do normal-ish things while SDing. Crazy to carry on isolating yourselves forever. But I know a lot people seem to think this. Poor kids not being able to see their grandparents and poor grandparents too.

VinylDetective · 06/09/2020 19:31

Of course it’s up to the grandparents. Since when did adult children start dictating to their parents? My generation has done a pretty shit job of parenting if we’ve brought up our kids to think this kind of behaviour is acceptable.

TheKeatingFive · 06/09/2020 21:03

She's obviously weighed up the risk and has decided to keep them safe on their behalf.

It’s both patronising and disrespectful of her to take it upon herself to make that decision for them. They have the right to weigh up their own risk.

Porcupineinwaiting · 06/09/2020 21:10

@TheKeatingFive I think anyone following this thread is aware of your views on the subject now. Maybe you should give it a rest, you cant just bludgeon people into agreeing with you.

TheKeatingFive · 06/09/2020 21:16

Maybe you should give it a rest, you cant just bludgeon people into agreeing with you.

And who made you the thread police as a matter of interest?

I’ll post what I like within guidelines. Report if you have an issue.

MaxNormal · 06/09/2020 21:19

I think it's absolutely shocking to make decisions on behalf of another competent adult. I would be absolutely furious to be on the receiving end of that.

mrpumblechook · 07/09/2020 09:04

I don't agree that they are making a decision on behalf of another competent adult. It takes two parties to decide whether to meet up and either party can choose not to .The children can choose not to be the ones that infect the grandparents if they want to.

VinylDetective · 07/09/2020 09:59

@mrpumblechook

I don't agree that they are making a decision on behalf of another competent adult. It takes two parties to decide whether to meet up and either party can choose not to .The children can choose not to be the ones that infect the grandparents if they want to.
In which case they’re making the decision on the grandparents’ behalf.
mrpumblechook · 07/09/2020 10:20

In which case they’re making the decision on the grandparents’ behalf.

No they are not. If I choose not to see someone I am not making a decision on their behalf. I am making a decision for me because I have the right to see who I want (as long as they want to see me). It takes two people to decide to meet. It's the same in this case.

QuestionMarkNow · 07/09/2020 11:27

No they are not. If I choose not to see someone I am not making a decision on their behalf. I am making a decision for me because I have the right to see who I want (as long as they want to see me). It takes two people to decide to meet. It's the same in this case.

I don't tink it is because the SIL clearly says she is doing for their own good rather than because she isn't feeling confortable.
She has the right to see whoever she wants. And that extends to her dcs.
But lying or finding false pretence isn't helping anyone. Nor will it stop the grand parents from being extremely hurt and feeling rejected.

QuestionMarkNow · 07/09/2020 11:31

You see if SIL had said
'I am extremely anxious and fearful about covid. I cant handle the idea that my dcs might give it to you and the risk that I am making you take. So I would prefer to not bring the dcs to you'
that would be one thing.

But she is saying
'I think my dcs will be a risk to you. I have decided thatthis risk is to high FOR YOU. therefore you wont be able to see the dgc FOR YOUR OWN GOOD'

The fact she hasn't explained at all the reasons why she is taking that decision (or certianly not in a way that is making sense to the garnd parents) is also quite telling. Why is it that she can't explain her pov? Is it because its actually not taht clear to her or because she doesnt want to admit her own anxieties, ones that the grand parents do not share?

mrpumblechook · 07/09/2020 17:54

@QuestionMarkNow

You see if SIL had said 'I am extremely anxious and fearful about covid. I cant handle the idea that my dcs might give it to you and the risk that I am making you take. So I would prefer to not bring the dcs to you' that would be one thing.

But she is saying
'I think my dcs will be a risk to you. I have decided thatthis risk is to high FOR YOU. therefore you wont be able to see the dgc FOR YOUR OWN GOOD'

The fact she hasn't explained at all the reasons why she is taking that decision (or certianly not in a way that is making sense to the garnd parents) is also quite telling. Why is it that she can't explain her pov? Is it because its actually not taht clear to her or because she doesnt want to admit her own anxieties, ones that the grand parents do not share?

Why would she have to be "extremely anxious and fearful". She might just think it's not fair on her DC to be potentially the ones to infect their grandparents. My children are not going to go anywhere near their grandparents now they're back at school. They are old enough to make that choice themselves but I don't blame them.
LittleBearPad · 07/09/2020 19:13

Why would she have to be "extremely anxious and fearful".

On the basis she’s barely left the house since March it’s not a stretch to say that she’s pretty stressed!

mrpumblechook · 07/09/2020 19:32

@LittleBearPad

Why would she have to be "extremely anxious and fearful".

On the basis she’s barely left the house since March it’s not a stretch to say that she’s pretty stressed!

Yes but that doesn't mean you would have to be "extremely anxious and fearful" to not want your children to be contact with someone who is high risk.
LittleBearPad · 07/09/2020 20:11

No SD walks in the park, no chats at the garden gate, no outdoor meet-ups at all in fact in combination with barely leaving the house does suggest a heightened level of stress.

Catsrus · 07/09/2020 20:58

@Redolent wrote "I’ve just explained the difference between additive and multiplicative risk to you. Pandemics fall into the latter category. This is a fundamental tenet of probability for anyone within the field. Sorry that I can’t do more to remedy your lack of understanding."

I used to do risk assessments for my workplace. Redolent is spot on. The people I know who understand risk assessment and probability are being super cautious. This is a pandemic, infection rates are exponential, not a nice gradual increase that can be paused and rolled back. The consequences are not just death or recovery - I have two friends with 'long covid', they have been ill since March.