Children mustn't see grandparents until vaccine found?

[Witterywoman]

Now that the kids are back at school, SIL has said her kids must isolate from both sets of grandparents in case they give them Covid picked up at school, and this must continue until a vaccine is found. All 4 grandparents are over 70 but healthy, no health conditions to speak of. My parents are particularly upset and don't understand it. I don't get it either and don't intend to stop them seeing my kids.

Are we missing something?

@Nighttimefreedom

The grandparents are capable of making their own risk assessments and decisions based on whether they want to accept that level of risk.

They can do that about anything they want. In fact they are entitled to. Who are we to stop them seeing their grandchildren?

If they contract the virus and die from it, that would not be my fault. Same as if they went mountaineering and fell off a cliff.

The grandparents can do what they want but the grandchildren and the parents can do what they want too. No one can force someone else to meet up with them if they don't want to.

That’s not a rule, but it’s up to her who her kids see I guess.

Some here love to mention the relaxed example of Sweden, but never the fact that ALL over 70s there are told to avoid meeting family members indoors (walks are fine).

And if a vaccine is never found.....?

My parents have plenty of things to do with their lives, seeing their grandchildren isn't the all consuming purpose it seems to be for some people's. So if something happened and we lost one before a vaccine was found, that would be sad but I would beat myself up much less than if we gave one COVID.

@TinySleepThief

All those saying they would feel bad if the grandparents caught covid from the children would you not feel worse for depriving them of seeing their grandchild if they were to die before a vaccine was developed??

Most 70 year olds still lead pretty full lives, they are just as likely to catch covid from going to work. To be honest even if they did catch covid, and its a big if, theres no way of knowing it would be as a direct result of spending time with their grandchildren.

Exactly this

I'm very much of the "we have to learn to live with this" school of thought.

Banning kids from ever seeing grandparents is way OTT. Your poor parents OP, they must be devastated. I also think it's for the grandparents to make that decision. Not the parents of the kids involved.

I think it is a sensible precaution actually, the best way for both sets of grandparents to fall ill is to mix with children that are now in a school environment.

I don't think it is just the GP's decision though, because the responsibility should they be seriously ill or even die from covid due to your children will be a very heavy burden to bear.

85,000 people are estimated to die this winter, personally I would be doing everything possible to make sure that was not a family member of mine!

Assuming you have all spent time together already over the summer now is the time to be very very careful in our view.

So if something happened and we lost one before a vaccine was found, that would be sad but I would beat myself up much less than if we gave one COVID

What a callous post. Jesus.

We are at a stage where it's for more vulnerable to choose the amount of risk they are willing to accept. Your parents are adults and can choose for themselves, your SiL is being unfair on them.

I can see her point of view because of their age

I completely agree with the pp who said it should be up to the grandparents.

Imagine any of us getting to 70+ and then having people tell us we're not allowed to do this and that for our own good.
I think i'd turn into one of those really angry grumpy old people if people patronised me like that.

Sorry I reread that, the post is saying they would feel worse if they gave the parent covid, yes precisely, if your parents only real contact with the virus is going to be through your dc, then the onus is definitely on you to mitigate the risks as much as possible.

It would be an awful thing to live with knowing a completely avoidable death of a parent happened because measures were not put in place to protect them properly. Seeing gc is not essential, staying alive tends to be.

@anorangeaday

I can see her point of view because of their age

So everyone over 70 should immediately stop work, socialising, seeing family etc? It's simply not a practical way to live and it would do way more harm to their mental health all on the basis that they 'might' catch covid.

The thing is, even a fit and healthy 70 year old is still 70 on the inside. My mum was a fit and healthy 72 yr old and in just 5 days she’s gone from being absolutely fine to being in ICU (not from covid but something else). Her doctor even said that while there’s a lot in her favour, she is in her 70s so essentially we can’t expect her to recover the way a younger person would. It’s fine to be theoretical about the risk but if/when something happens, you realise that ultimately someone in their 70s is old and they are more at risk in all sorts of ways.

It's quite difficult, whatever the local circumstances.

Courtesy of the, "Don't kill your granny" meme, there is an apprehension and guilt about transmitting COVID-19 that there hasn't been for passing on colds/flu or any other respiratory infection that might be problematic for older people or vulnerable groups (and was as recently as 2015).

It might be the choice of the grandparents but it doesn't mean that other generations would feel absolved of guilt or regret by those autonomous decisions.

@Friendsoftheearth

Sorry I reread that, the post is saying they would feel worse if they gave the parent covid, yes precisely, if your parents only real contact with the virus is going to be through your dc, then the onus is definitely on you to mitigate the risks as much as possible.

It would be an awful thing to live with knowing a completely avoidable death of a parent happened because measures were not put in place to protect them properly. Seeing gc is not essential, staying alive tends to be.

It would also be an awful thing to love with when you are cut out of the life of your grand kids wo a say. Esp if those people see very few other people.

Isolation and feeling of loneliness is awful too. Would anyone want to inflict that sort of pain on their parents ?

@user1481840227

I completely agree with the pp who said it should be up to the grandparents.

Imagine any of us getting to 70+ and then having people tell us we're not allowed to do this and that for our own good.
I think i'd turn into one of those really angry grumpy old people if people patronised me like that.

I tend to think, covid or otherwise, people should by and large be free to live their own lives. You can make your older relatives aware of the risks, just like the risks of smoking, being overweight, or an extreme sport for example. It is up to them. They are adults!!

Exactly as user1481840227 i don't want people deciding my life for me when i hit 70! Thank you very much!!

Seeing gc is not essential, staying alive tends to be.

I assume that anyone who says that is NOT a grand parent themselves who is isolated from their family.
It's always very easy to decide and take that sort of decision when you are the one on the receiving end isnt it?

Atm said grand parents are more likley to die of the flu than covid. Has anyone ever stopped grand parents to see their grand children because they might die of the flu? Nope.

Of course some (many) over 70s suffer from loneliness and in that case, that needs to be factored in. My DP both have partners and busy full lives - in fact they're often too busy to see us, and in the case of my DM not actually that bothered about seeing the DC at the best of times. None of them are good at maintaining SD from the DC, which undermines the messages we are trying to give the DC (in line with what they are being told at school too). They also have every chance of having several years or even a decade or two ahead of active full lives. If these factors were different, I might think differently about risking them by exposure to the DC.

there must be more to your SIL's decision OP. some people just use covid as a reason to judge others or cut contact with people they find difficult. GPs need to be respected and cherished and bossing them about isnt the way to do this.

My MIL lives with us and it's something that we've discussed a lot. She's 76. Her mother and grandmother both died at 80. She's decided that she'd rather live her life to the full now than to live an extra few years miserable and lonely.

Our youngest DD is very vulnerable and was in the shielded group so we're being as sensible as we possibly can (we all shielded for a good while, and we still stay distanced, don't mix with other families and have shopping delivered), but the two school age kids are back at school for the sake of their education and their social interactions.

We're just hoping that everyone in their bubbles are being as sensible as possible (I'm currently very glad they are at a small school - until last year DS was at the biggest school in the county).

Up to the grandparents

There’s no way my parents want to make that degree of sacrifice to minimise their risk, so we’ll continue to See them while being as careful as we can.

Its SIl's decision. It would be her and her children dealing with the grief and guilt if they did expose the grandparents and the unthinkable happen. They would live forever with the knowledge they killed their grandparent if the unthinkable happens

@lyralalala that sounds like you've really had to think that one through and tread a compromise line to live a life and be safe!