Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contributing to niece's uni costs

427 replies

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 09:17

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

OP posts:
blanchmange50 · 04/09/2020 12:12

Absolutely not your responsibility. Your brother expects you to fund his eldest whilst the youngest continues in private education? That is a no from me.

KatherineJaneway · 04/09/2020 12:13

Why doesn’t she get a job at uni and earn that money?

This would be my challenge as well.

blanchmange50 · 04/09/2020 12:14

Yr 12 is A levels so his other DC could have moved for sixth form. My DD has just moved from private to a state sixth form. I could understand not wanting to move during GCSEs.

IWantT0BreakFree · 04/09/2020 12:16

I think the context is very significant here. It's not as cut and dried as a lot of people are making out. I can understand the sense of obligation, OP. I think I would want to try and help my nieces directly if I could afford to because 5 years is a very short amount of time and does not undo the financial and emotional impact of losing a parent. They also have the added disadvantage of their surviving parent being an addict who has, in the wake of their mum's death,not made good decisions or put them first (i.e. by going succumbing to his addiction and giving up work). I would not give money to my alcoholic brother, even with the instruction that it was to be spent on his children. Alcoholics cannot make or keep those kinds of promises.
On the flip side, you should not feel guilty for declining to offer financial assistance either. Harsh as it sounds, your brother is responsible for a lot of the choices he has made that have led him to this point. It's not for you to bail him out. I do think your nieces are deserving of your support, whether that's financial, practical or emotional.

mrpumblechook · 04/09/2020 12:17

@KatherineJaneway

Why doesn’t she get a job at uni and earn that money?

This would be my challenge as well.

It will be pretty hard to earn £5000 a year while doing a full time course especially has there aren't many jobs around at the moment.
AdoraBell · 04/09/2020 12:18

Haven’t RTFT, but why can’t the parents support their children?

Sarahpaula · 04/09/2020 12:18

This is so weird. I can't believe that families do this. I have never heard of it before

cologne4711 · 04/09/2020 12:19

Anyway, going to university is a privilege, not a right In my view it should be a right, but the British government doesn't agree with me.

Anyway, if I were childfree and wealthy, I'd be happy to help out a niece f nephew if I got on well with them. But if you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

If she can swim well, I might pay for a lifeguard course as a one-off (around £250 these days) so that she could then earn money. But no point at the moment, there are so many furloughed lifeguards. It's not going to be so easy for university students to pay their way at the moment so I would help if I could, but only to the extent that I could afford it, eg donating an online shop or sending the odd £20.

CleverCatty · 04/09/2020 12:19

That's even worse from your update!

However, from past experience a few young adults when they get a lump inheritance like 50K they're either very savvy and use it for flat deposit etc or some blow the lot with not a lot to show for it.

They already have 50K for their future though and it's not your fault or your DP's that your brother is an alcoholic and can't afford to pay for his DC. It's sad his DW died but he needs to go to AA and get his arse in gear, and yes I had an alcoholic DF so I know what I'm talking about.

Personally I would've encouraged the DD at private school to look for a bursary, assisted place or even to apply via exams to grammar or private schools. And the year she is due to go is the precise perfect year to change schools. DC can't dictate schools they wish to go to based on financial circumstances imo/e.

Your other niece will have to get a maintenance loan etc - my own aunt/uncle have offered no financial support or even advice whatsoever to my DB and I but I wouldn't expect them to do this either. In some cases with my very wealthy no DC aunt/uncle it'd have been nice for some sort of support - she owned a successful tile company etc and it would've been nice if she could've helped out in some way but she likes to be Lady Bountiful inviting people over and giving lavish TK Maxx bath salts gifts! Also likes to talk down to us, have her DH quiz me about various things partly why we aren't talking!

bevelino · 04/09/2020 12:20

If the niece has £50k, some of that money can be used top up any loans if she has additional expenses. There are a great many students in a far worse position and they manage.

Sarahpaula · 04/09/2020 12:20

I have five aunties. I don't speak to four of them. They have never been involved in any part of my life. They are total strangers. I see one aunty about once a year at Christmas.

KatherineJaneway · 04/09/2020 12:20

It will be pretty hard to earn £5000 a year while doing a full time course especially has there aren't many jobs around at the moment.

Must have missed something Confused OP said she was asked to pay £120 a month, which is £1,440 per year. That can be earned at a part time job. Yes jobs are scare but she can't secure one unless she tries.

GabsAlot · 04/09/2020 12:22

sorry but no even without the 50k-the younger one could have changed sschool and there are grants and loans

your parents havent helped the situation either

LouiseTrees · 04/09/2020 12:22

@bevelino

If the niece has £50k, some of that money can be used top up any loans if she has additional expenses. There are a great many students in a far worse position and they manage.
This. I had a part time job that I actually did for 6 hours during the week and 16 at the weekend. In holidays it ramped up to full time. It was in retail.
Littlemissdaredevil · 04/09/2020 12:23

So younger niece is using her 50k inheritance to fund two years of sixth form. What is older niece doing with her 50k. Surely that should be more than enough money to fund her way through Uni especially if she gets a PT job as well.

My advice is do not give ANY money to your DB. My dad was an alcoholic and pissed my husband mums and my mums (his wifes) inheritance / insurance payout up the wall.

I would offer to put them up during the Uni holidays then help towards a house deposit when they are in a position to buy a house/flat if you are able to.

Sarahpaula · 04/09/2020 12:24

I never knew that people even talked about funding nieces/ nephews through college.

It is a cheeky thing to ask.

RedToothBrush · 04/09/2020 12:25

First it will be one niece, then the other. Then it will be house for nieces. Or something else.

Father has the responsibility to manage his finances and live within his means and to teach his daughters to do the same.

CleverCatty · 04/09/2020 12:25

@cologne4711

Anyway, going to university is a privilege, not a right In my view it should be a right, but the British government doesn't agree with me.

Anyway, if I were childfree and wealthy, I'd be happy to help out a niece f nephew if I got on well with them. But if you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

If she can swim well, I might pay for a lifeguard course as a one-off (around £250 these days) so that she could then earn money. But no point at the moment, there are so many furloughed lifeguards. It's not going to be so easy for university students to pay their way at the moment so I would help if I could, but only to the extent that I could afford it, eg donating an online shop or sending the odd £20.

Even if you are childfree and wealthy it isn't a given that you should help them out if you got on with them.

my DM was always very close to her uncle and aunt (very wealthy no DC) and they actually wanted to adopt her and send her to private school as her own DF wasn't good with money etc. Didn't happen. years later DM inherited vast sums from uncle. But for years and in 1970s as they lived so far away they had no idea how we lived - really on the breadline - child benefit was the most my DM got, no maintenance from my DF whom she'd divorced etc, he found out more when he came to stay with us and I think was shocked and appalled that no one was helping out - maybe more due to pride etc.

Having said that I have no DC am not badly off and have a DNephew whom I'd happily help out in his lifetime, with his parents approval.

If you cannot afford it you cannot afford it though. Even if you're Chinese etc - a Chinese friend of mine had this - her DB did no work in family chinese takeaway she did all the work etc - we once told her on a holiday you shouldn't feel indebted to help out even though culturally it's the right thing to do. but that's my opinion.

Thinkingg · 04/09/2020 12:27

Read you update. What a mess :(

Definitely never give money to your bother, you will be enabling his addiction. Whether you choose to help out your neice is a trickier one -she's lost her mother and her dad's an addict, so emotional and practical support from extended family would probably make a big difference to her. If you can afford and want to help financially, give an amount that's your own choosing, be clear about how long you see willing to do this for, and give it directly to your neice, not to her father or your parents.

If you're uncomfortable helping financially, don't be guilted into it by your dysfunctional family. Maybe you could support her with finding a part time job, visit and help out practically, be a listening ear?

Sara2000 · 04/09/2020 12:28

I'd be telling my brother to either cancel the private school for the other one or get the one who is going to university to use the money she has to pay the £120 per month . My concern would be what happens if your niece needs more.

HollowTalk · 04/09/2020 12:28

He'll be spending way more than £120 pm on alcohol. He's got a hell of a nerve to ask you to pay that. As for the child going back to private school when money's tight, that's just ridiculous.

CleverCatty · 04/09/2020 12:29

@KatherineJaneway

It will be pretty hard to earn £5000 a year while doing a full time course especially has there aren't many jobs around at the moment.

Must have missed something Confused OP said she was asked to pay £120 a month, which is £1,440 per year. That can be earned at a part time job. Yes jobs are scare but she can't secure one unless she tries.

well you either get a part time job or make the choice not to go to uni. there are grants, charities etc that help out uni students.

My younger half sister was first in family to go to uni and as her DF and DM had divorced a couple of years before her DM couldn't afford to support her, I think she got a part time job and said it was hard going but she managed and survived. Apart from the odd £50 here and there and buying her clothes I hardly helped her out because she's an adult and wanted to go to uni and I had my own outgoings.

Sara2000 · 04/09/2020 12:29

Good point Hollowtalk.

Badbadbunny · 04/09/2020 12:30

On the face of it, no of course you don't need to contribute.

But, is there a back story? Have your uncles/aunts contributed to your lifestyle in any way in the past?

I know it's common in some communities/societies for extended family to look out for each other, i.e. for a niece/nephew to get reduced or free rent of a shop owned by an uncle/aunt etc.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 04/09/2020 12:32

Even more of a no after your update, op, don't be sucked in financially