Contributing to niece's uni costs

[Onionpeeler]

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

Private school when you’re struggling financially and relying on parents for handouts? Fuck that! Say no.

If it was something you chose to do and could afford that would be fine but it should not have been asked or expected of you.

Whilst I don't think it's your responsibility to contribute, I do feel sorry your nieces and if I could afford it I probably would consider helping for a few months. It's easy for people to say that your DB shouldn't be paying the private school fees but it will really disrupt her education to change schools in year 11 especially considering so much school has already been instructed this year. Your niece at University will probably only be getting the lowest loan and it will be really difficult survive on that even if she does get a job (which will not be easy at the moment). Is there anyway of giving her the money and him signing an agreement to pay you back next year?

@JoanJosephJim I think that comment means student finance won’t take into account the private schools fees when her student loan/grant is calculated.

It sounds like your brother earns too much for your niece to claim a decent maintenance grant but all his money is being spent on school fees. She’ll have to defer or speak to the uni/students union. It isn’t your problem to sort though, so I don’t think you should be paying.

The back-story is beside the point, as the aunty you have zero responsibility for these costs. If you were very wealthy and didn't really have anything else to spend the money on then maybe you might choose to direct money towards the education of your niece and nephew but you clearly don't have a lot to spare and it's not appropriate or reasonable for your brother or parents to ask you.

On the subject of moving the younger DD to a state school, I had two friends who had to do this when their financial circumstances changed and in both cases their DCs had a great time, made great friends and benefitted from having a better social mix than they had had in their private school. They became more self sufficient and, frankly, a bit less entitled. Sometimes what's best for children is to expose them to different situations and encourage them to adapt. The idea that state schools are automatically inferior to private ones is a nonsense. In my own DD's state school they have had kids transfer to the sixth form from private school and she has commented on how they tend to arrive with little ability to think for themselves.

I genuinely think it would be harmful to the older DD to allow her to rely on you for money every month. What would that teach her? That when times are hard you just look around for someone to sponge off rather than taking control?

Just say no, onionpeeler. The cheek of this request is beyond belief. It also feeds into the idea that the childless should somehow be at the service of those with children - which I find abhorrent.

Thanks for all your replies, it’s been so interesting and helpful hearing your opinions and your own situations.

The younger one has just gone into year 12 not year 11. I got it wrong, I’m 44 so still work in old money. My parents were pleading with my brother not to send her back. It would have been a natural break. And the comp actually gets better exam results than the private one she’s at! But she does have a good set of friends there so I can see why she didn’t want to move. She hasn’t had it easy.

There is another part to the story - my brother is an alcoholic, albeit functioning. He used to earn a decent income, enough to just about pay for everything himself. But he left his firm about a year after he became a widower and went into a deep depression. He’s been working as a freelancer since then and things are better than they were, I think he didn’t earn much at all for a while. He was very depressed.

There was a payout when the mum died. The two children got £50k each. The younger one says she is happy for her money to pay for her sixth form, two years at her school is £30k. I think the plan was for that money to be a deposit for their first home.

It’s a crazy situation and my dad hasn’t helped by enabling my brother all this time but it’s been going on for a long time. My dad always bails him out. My dad doesn’t even have his own property any more .... basically I think my brother thinks everyone is there to pay his way. It’s crazy. It’s quite stressful as no one outside our immediate family and my partner really knows what’s been going on.

It’s easy for me to judge but I haven’t been widowed or got the stress of being a parent or battling a serious addiction! It’s not easy for him. He’s tried giving up but he says he just can’t. He stops for a few days and then just goes back to it. He’s ok during the day but in the evening by about 6/7 he needs alcohol. We’ve told him to go to AA but he so far won’t go.

We are not Chinese by the way 😂 Just odd and in a f’ing mess

The younger one has just gone into year 12 not year 11. I got it wrong, I’m 44 so still work in old money. My parents were pleading with my brother not to send her back. It would have been a natural break. And the comp actually gets better exam results than the private one she’s at! But she does have a good set of friends there so I can see why she didn’t want to move. She hasn’t had it easy.

That makes a huge difference! She definitely needs to change schools. Loads do it for sixth form. Problem solved.

@Onionpeeler

Thanks for all your replies, it’s been so interesting and helpful hearing your opinions and your own situations.

The younger one has just gone into year 12 not year 11. I got it wrong, I’m 44 so still work in old money. My parents were pleading with my brother not to send her back. It would have been a natural break. And the comp actually gets better exam results than the private one she’s at! But she does have a good set of friends there so I can see why she didn’t want to move. She hasn’t had it easy.

There is another part to the story - my brother is an alcoholic, albeit functioning. He used to earn a decent income, enough to just about pay for everything himself. But he left his firm about a year after he became a widower and went into a deep depression. He’s been working as a freelancer since then and things are better than they were, I think he didn’t earn much at all for a while. He was very depressed.

There was a payout when the mum died. The two children got £50k each. The younger one says she is happy for her money to pay for her sixth form, two years at her school is £30k. I think the plan was for that money to be a deposit for their first home.

It’s a crazy situation and my dad hasn’t helped by enabling my brother all this time but it’s been going on for a long time. My dad always bails him out. My dad doesn’t even have his own property any more .... basically I think my brother thinks everyone is there to pay his way. It’s crazy. It’s quite stressful as no one outside our immediate family and my partner really knows what’s been going on.

It’s easy for me to judge but I haven’t been widowed or got the stress of being a parent or battling a serious addiction! It’s not easy for him. He’s tried giving up but he says he just can’t. He stops for a few days and then just goes back to it. He’s ok during the day but in the evening by about 6/7 he needs alcohol. We’ve told him to go to AA but he so far won’t go.

We are not Chinese by the way 😂 Just odd and in a f’ing mess

So what did the older one spend her 50k on?

Your niece needs to take a gap year and go and find a job and stash away the £3,600 that they are expecting you to pay. That's what my kids did - in fact they stashed away more than that AND worked in the uni holidays to build their funds.

errr isn't that the OP? she is an aunt being asked to contribute

It was supposed to say " are there no grandparents, aunts, uncles onHER (the mother's) side who might be able to contribute?" but I mistyped.

Well 100% think YANBU so that gives you an clear answer. I like the suggestions of paying for her shopping or onto a supermarket card but not get sucked into a regular contribution.

So the younger DD is now effectively paying for her own school fees, that's fair enough. However hard your life has been, it's good to be aware that most of us have to make choices about how we spend our money and we can't have every thing we might want.

But does that mean that the older DD, that your being asked to help pay university costs for has £50k, some of which could be used for this?

What everyone has said about taking loans, working and applying for any grants or bursaries that may be available still applies, but if she needs a top up, that would be an obvious worthwhile use of the money rather than sending the begging bowl round the wider family.
She can save for a house deposit later, and depending where you live, she'll still have some left that will be enough anyway.

Why doesn’t she get a job at uni and earn that money? It’s only a few hours work each week. I worked in the students union 1 or 2 nights a week throughout uni, it was a really fun job. I also worked all summer so I could have enough money to enjoy myself and live comfortably once back at uni. I didn’t even expect my parents to be handing over money never mind other relatives.

I also don’t understand why you’d need handouts now tuition fees aren’t paid until you graduate and the bursary is means tested. If her parents are genuinely poor she’d receive more bursary to pay her rent etc. It’s up to her parent’s to help if they want to, not to go around to family asking for handouts.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. Not at all. Whoever is asking you is.

Does your niece still have her £50k?

Not your children - you shouldn't contribute. It's up to the parents to sort that out not you.

Don't let them con you/guilt trip you out of your money (you say you don't have much. You don't have children!

Spend your money on things you need/want - you earn it.

No, just no. Feel sad for brother, but mostly children.
All need to grow up. Tell brother to go to GP for proper addiction treatment involving medications etc. No point in enabling him to drink himself to death. Very best of luck. Oh, and only have discussions when he is (partially) sober in the daytime, as I'm sure you already know.

basically I think my brother thinks everyone is there to pay his way

Please disabuse him of this belief.

No! It’s not a thing. Don’t do it. Never heard anything so ridiculous!

No... The children are not being taught the right way to go about things either. The money was supposed to be for a house, not for a school. All the priorities are wrong. Your brother is being babied, the kids are being enabled too. I'm sorry, but someone has to say no at some time.

Enabling man children seems to be a running theme. Don’t add to it OP.

I can’t believe they let a child decide how her £50k should be spent

Unfortunately your df needs to realise that you do not have to make the same, ill advised, choices as him.
Just say no.

We’ve told him to go to AA but he so far won’t go.

Until he makes the decision to go, he really shouldn't be getting family support.

It sounds like a tough situation all round, onionpeeler, but I still think the wisest thing to do is to encourage both your brother and your niece to take charge of their own financial responsibilities rather than becoming dependent on you. Other people's money is rarely the answer.

Who said you hadn’t to pay?

You’re niece needs to Find a part time job to help her through uni she shouldn’t be relying on others to see her through uni.

What if her sister goes to uni are you going to pay money to the money both?

😂 omg why?