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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Contributing to niece's uni costs

427 replies

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 09:17

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

OP posts:
Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 13:11

My dad is suggesting me, my mum and him all pay £120/month each - I don’t know why he’s chosen that figure. That’s for living costs. The course will be paid by student loan and luckily her maternal grandma is paying £7,500 accommodation costs. I guess everything could be covered by loan but I don’t think my dad wants her to have a massive debt. She’s a clever girl, she’s doing economics and is keen to have a successful career.

I have got a horrible feeling the other £50k has gone. But my brother owns two foreign properties plus the house they’re living in, but he’s got a £2k/month mortgage on that. It’s all very complicated. I think he has assets but a ton of debt. I wish we could do some kind of intervention and let my parents take over, he’s just not making a good job of things.

I could afford it to be honest, I earn about £50k/year but I’m self employed and don’t have a pension so I’m saving for that plus I’m not guaranteed work.

Maybe I could agree to it on condition he goes to AA. I think I’m annoyed with him about taking his family for granted more than paying out the money.

He’s asked me why don’t I sell my house (which I currently rent out) and buy a holiday home in Cornwall for everyone to use. It’s just weird isn’t it.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 04/09/2020 13:13

People saying uni is a privilege, not a right: would you seisojky be ok with a family member not being able to get an education because their parent died?

Many students manage to complete their degrees by getting the max maintenance loan and working part-time. If OP's niece can't get the max loan because her father's income's too high, she can wait till she's over 21, when his income won't be a factor. Or she could go to a local uni, where she could remain at home and save way more than £120 a month in rent.

While the loss of the children's mother was tragic, OP's DB has been irresponsible, firstly by keeping the children in a private school that he couldn't afford, secondly by pissing money away on booze and finally by giving up his job. Oh yes, and by getting his and OP's parents to keep bailing him out.

Don't do it, OP.

If you were loaded, I'd think it was a lovely thing to do for these poor girls (girls plural, because I'd bet my house on OP being asked to do the same for the younger niece, too, if she does it for the first one), but you're not and you need your money for your retirement. Send her money as and when you feel you can afford to help out, or pop a supermarket gift card in the post now and again, so she use it on essentials and use her own money to treat herself.

I can't believe the cheek of the man, tbh. And what about the other set of GPs, are they still around? And other aunts/uncles? Maybe your DB should pass that begging bowl round a wider circle.

honeygirlz · 04/09/2020 13:15

I could afford it to be honest, I earn about £50k/year but I’m self employed and don’t have a pension so I’m saving for that plus I’m not guaranteed work.

If you don’t have a pension then you can’t afford it OP.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 04/09/2020 13:15

100% YANBU says it all. She can get a part time job to cover living costs. If family members want to help out, a £50 asda/Tesco voucher once a month or something like that could be a better route than being obligated to hand over thousands over the course of the degree.

OverTheRainbow88 · 04/09/2020 13:18

Talk about drip feeding... you should have mentioned all the situation initially as people’s responses would probs be different each time you give another bit ofinfo!

ChippyTea16 · 04/09/2020 13:19

Nope, no way, absolutely not. What a cheek he has to ask to you sell your home!! If you don’t have a pension you absolutely shouldn’t be paying £120 a month. Why can’t he sell his foreign properties?? Unbelievable. Please please do not do this.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/09/2020 13:20

What?

Absolutely not

honeygirlz · 04/09/2020 13:20

@OverTheRainbow88

Talk about drip feeding... you should have mentioned all the situation initially as people’s responses would probs be different each time you give another bit ofinfo!
What has OP ‘drip fed’ that makes you think she should give this money?
Toomanyradishes · 04/09/2020 13:20

The thing is your DB has basically spent all of your parents money and whilst you shouldnt expect an inheritance from parents, its their money to spend, however he has made damn sure there isnt any left for you and its all been spent on his family, and therefore indirectly him as its freed up his income to spend on himself - alcohol etc. In your shoes I would be feeling pretty pissed off about that and the impact its going to have on your parents retirement/future care costs.

As a childless aunt I will absolutely be looking to help my nephew if he goes to uni, with book vouchers, buying food, help towards equipment etc. But that will be an offer from me directly to my nephew, and will not be requested or expected from the rest of the family. And will be of an amount that in no way causes me any financial hardship, so when we get to it if I can afford £10 every few weeks he will get that, if I can afford £100 a couple of times a term he will get that etc.

In your shoes, if you can afford anything, I would speak your neice directly and ignore requests from the rest of the family, she is an adult now after all. If you can offer anything, e.g. a small sum each term for food or books, then I would offer that, and just leave it at that. Then if your parents or brother say anything explain you have spoken to your neice directly and its between you and her.

If you cant afford anything then a congratulations card and some flowers would be nice and then just leave it at that. And if you get requsts for the family a firm "no that doesnt work for me" will be sufficient. Maybe get her one of those cookbooks aimed at student on a tight budget for christmas. When I was at uni most of my christmas and birthday presents from my family were tescos and waterstones gift cards and I was very grateful for them!

Sami544 · 04/09/2020 13:20

certainly not. I have sibling who don't have children and would never dream of asking them for money when in the new couple of years we will be at the Uni point. It is down to us as their parents not aunts and uncles to fund. Cannot believe someone has asked that.
Say no !

HollyGoLoudly1 · 04/09/2020 13:20

would you seisojky be ok with a family member not being able to get an education because their parent died?

But she can get an education. She might need a bigger loan, a part time job, or go to a uni closer to home rather than spending £7,500 on rent if it's unaffordable. Or a combination of all 3. There's lots of options here rather than depending solely on family for the next 3 years, when OP can ill afford it herself and there's a sibling on her tail in the same situation.

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 13:20

I didn’t mean to dripfeed. Just complicated.

OP posts:
Mvshrln · 04/09/2020 13:22

Oh wow, what an unusual and difficult situation! I went to university and worked part time because I had to and it also enabled me to gain more independence and learn how to budget and sort out bills etc, which was all super helpful when I left and continued to live independently. Then again, if students are lucky enough to not need to work whilst studying, then that's great for them. I'd feel guilty having someone else pay for my lifestyle though when I could be working to earn that money.

Sorry that it's such a difficult situation for you OP, I hope it get resolved soon.

DoubleDolphin · 04/09/2020 13:22

Maintenance grant?

Shelby30 · 04/09/2020 13:23

It's a really awkward one and the girls have had such a hard time. I understand them not wanting to move her schools but does seem crazy she's going to private school and then he's asking for handouts. If you can afford it I would do it. I see why you are concerned though.

I would def say that it is with condition that he has to go to AA etc. He sounds like a cheeky git though suggesting you buy a holiday home. You must be very gd at biting your tongue! You should suggest he gets rid of his other properties and pay off any debts and help his own daughter out.

So her other grandparent is paying the accommodation and her loan pays her tuition. So she's got £360 to feed herself, pay a few bills and socialise. It's not loads but not tiny either and she cld always gets a part time job.

honeygirlz · 04/09/2020 13:25

He’s asked me why don’t I sell my house (which I currently rent out) and buy a holiday home in Cornwall for everyone to use. It’s just weird isn’t it.

Shock The entitlement is strong in that one.

DoubleDolphin · 04/09/2020 13:25

If your brother doesnt earn much, the daughter gets a bigger loan, that's the way it works. Dont pay. If you pay this, they will always look to you to pay.

Viviennemary · 04/09/2020 13:25

Too much drip feeding here I'm afraid.

MsEllany · 04/09/2020 13:25

Say no. She has the option of getting a job and/or a loan, like most other students do.

Absolutely farcical situation IMO.

Sophiesdog2020 · 04/09/2020 13:26

But she can also get a maintenance loan to live on - even the minimum is over 4K, why can’t she do that, as virtually every other student does? Why should you pay her living costs rather than her getting the loan?

I think the £120 * 3 per month is probably the minimum loan / 12, but why shouldn’t she borrow it?

I could afford it to be honest - If you have no pension, you definitely can’t afford it. Look at it this way, will your niece keep you in your retirement if you have no pension to fall back on? I doubt it!

What is it with all this entitlement? There is another thread about a couple being asked to ‘keep’ the DH’s brother who doesn’t work.

WTF is wrong with people earning or borrowing their own money?

DoubleDolphin · 04/09/2020 13:27

And they advise you not to pay it all yourself because if she never earns over a certain amount, you dont have to pay it back. It's silly to use family money for it. It's a waste.

scoobydoo1971 · 04/09/2020 13:29

Even if you contributed to her education fees, you would do the girl no favours. I worked at various part-time jobs during my own Uni. studies. Most young people apply for a student loan these day, and they can get a hardship grant from their Uni. periodically. If she gets handouts now, it will not encourage independence, work ethic or a drive to achieve things on her own effort.

SBTLove · 04/09/2020 13:29

It’s not often I’m speechless but I’m aghast at the sheer nerve of your brother!!
He owns 2 foreign properties yet your parents are near penniless funding him and now expect you to!!!
Time to tell your parents some home truths, stop enabling this man and in turn his DDs; these girls won’t learn any independence when they see everyone funding them.
Looks like the £240pm is her living expenses ie food, she can get a job and not be a lazy waster like her dad!!
God I’m angry reading this!

Figgygal · 04/09/2020 13:30

I’ve just generally heard the like of it
What a mess
But not your mess - no way should you even be expected to do that

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 13:31

@honeygirlz

He’s asked me why don’t I sell my house (which I currently rent out) and buy a holiday home in Cornwall for everyone to use. It’s just weird isn’t it.

Shock The entitlement is strong in that one.

It is, I think he thinks we’re all his servants. But that’s just how his brain works. Even if I had a row with him he still wouldn’t get it.
OP posts: