Am I being unreasonable????

[Su5677]

Hello. Me and my daughters father were only together for one night (strangers). He wanted an abortion but when I told him I was keeping the baby the contact between me and him became very little. When my daughter was born, he came over to meet her. He is named on the birth certificate and he’s kept up seeing her once a week ever since. For the first 5 months I was there too until he demanded he have her alone. He has her 9-5 every Saturday or Sunday, however we don’t talk much and he often ignores me and refuses to communicate. It’s becoming a problem because when he takes our daughter for 8 hours, I have no idea where she’s been, feeds, changes ect. This is very stressful! He is very domineering, rude and unfriendly. He was caught texting and speeding whilst my little girl was in the car, it keeps me up at night, sick with worry. He often parties the night before he is due to pick little one up. I don’t trust my baby is in safe hands. His attitude is very mean and cold, I don’t know why. There’s been occasions where we have had a certain day set for him to come and collect her and he hasn’t showed up (he claims this is miscommunication) and has demanded he have her the next day, so I have had to cancel family trips out ect. He’s very much one of the “Ibiza lads” and is glued to Instagram! He’s very vain and self obsessed tbh! I have tried to keep a policy of no public accounts posting photos of my little girl as the internet is a very scary place. He refuses this and his pages remain public and many ghost accounts follow him. His family don’t care either and told me I had to earn their respect first before they comply. His life style worries me greatly as I’ve been informed by multiple people he is their drug dealer. He was dishonest about his salary and turns out he has been underpaying me by quite a lot! I wish I didn’t tell him about my pregnancy. I would rather no money and for him to just leave us alone! I believe he is no good for my daughter and sets a terrible example. I have a bad gut feeling about him that I can’t shake. It’s starting to really get me down and some days I feel totally defeated and powerless. I know a lot of women have it worse but I just want to know I’m not being totally unreasonable for expecting to know what my daughter is doing as she’s only a baby and can’t tell me herself.

YANBU, OP. I would stop letting him have her. Change your number, and ignore him.

Do you feel able to tell him that he can't see his daughter due to his behaviour?
His is neglecting her while he is in charge of her, by the sounds of it.

You need to take back control and, please don't be afraid of this, but refer your child to Social Services and tell them what you have said here.
They will be best placed to help you deal with your situation. If you still have a Health Visitor then please talk to her. She will help you too.

You and your daughter deserve a better way forward.

Good luck OP.

I have no idea where she’s been, feeds, changes ect.

This wouldn’t be an issue if you trusted him. She’s with her father; what he does with her and how he cares for her are none of your business barring abuse etc.

However, you don’t trust him, so you shouldn’t be sending her to him.

Block him and don't allow him to see your child. Move if you have to. If he threatens to take you to court, let him.

Stop contact now!

Let him take you to court if he wants it.

Have you asked for more contact when he is with her?
This is a hard one because you wouldn't want your daughter resenting you for cutting contact when she is older but, I'm sure she'll understand if you explain to her that it was for her own safety.
Maybe only allow him to see her in your custody so the relationship is still there but always listen to your gut feeling.

Thank you everyone for your responses so far. Whenever I have asked in the past about what my little one has been up to and how she’s been ect. I get the same generic response of “she’s been good” before he rushes off. If I ask for specifics about feeding and eating, he’s not very specific and not even aware himself when she’s been fed and changed. I’ve found him to be lying on several occasions about things but never say anything because I don’t want things to become toxic. However this has happened anyway, it’s toxic and very unfriendly. This last bank holiday he walked off after dropping her at the door without saying a word. It’s the little things too, not many people know I’m the mother of his baby as he tries his best to hide any connections with me on social media. He doesn’t tag me or like any photos of us and has recently blocked me too. It’s like he is ashamed of me! I don’t know why because I’m a nice and polite person. He didn’t even tag me in the birth announcement. I know this probably sounds silly but hurts my feelings and makes me feel completely worthless.

You seem to want to punish and control him, I am not surprised he is feeling pushed into a corner if you interrogate him every time he goes out.
You can listen to what others have said , but if you do go to court, there is a good chance he will get more custody rights and wont need to explain anything to you.
I suggest you start working together for the benefit of your DC, instead of using her as a weapon.

Whenever I have asked in the past about what my little one has been up to and how she’s been ect. I get the same generic response of “she’s been good” before he rushes off. If I ask for specifics about feeding and eating, he’s not very specific

He doesn’t need to be; he doesn’t need to explain what’s been happening while she’s with him. It’s really none of your business.

He’s her father; you are willingly giving her to him. You either trust him to keep her safe and leave them to it, or you don’t send her.

You don’t get to know the ins and outs and play twenty questions every time he returns her.

You’re completely right! It’s not really any of my business what he’s doing. He is her father. However, I don’t trust what he tells me. I found out about him him texting and driving (he was 40 minutes late to drop her home and told me he went 32 on a 30 but also told me he was given 6 points and a huge fine so I knew straight away he was texting! His mum later let it slip that he was texting so that’s how I know). I felt betrayed that firstly he behaved so recklessly with my baby girl on board and secondly that he lied about it. @heartsonacake

You do sound very anxious. However, he sounds like an idiot, texting, speeding, refusing to communicate. If you believe him to be unsafe, ask him to go through court for access, you can surely tell the court about his dangerous behaviour.

This is the danger when having a child with a stranger, they could turn out to be an arsehole.
From his point of view he never wanted this child or for you to be the mother of his child.
Are you both young? Who cares if your visible on his social media.
What he does with the child when he has her is up to him as long as it’s not putting child in danger.
From a practical point it would be useful to know when she has been last fed and changed so more communication is definitely needed there.
Could he be taking the child and having family look after her so he doesn’t know the answers to your question. Perhaps he has felt pressure from them to be involved.
If he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you then perhaps a txt or email sent prior to drop off.

So if you don’t trust him, why are you sending your daughter to him?

I would not let him have the baby because of being caught texting when driving with her in the car.

He doesn’t tag me or like any photos of us and has recently blocked me too. It’s like he is ashamed of me! I don’t know why because I’m a nice and polite person. He didn’t even tag me in the birth announcement. I know this probably sounds silly but hurts my feelings and makes me feel completely worthless.

OP, you said yourself - you're complete strangers! He doesn't know you at all, so why does his opinion matter so much to you?

YANBU to question his ability to keep your DD safe and if you feel she is at risk, then withdraw contact, write to him to explain why and let him apply through the court so things can be done properly.

But YABU to complain now that he doesn't live up to your expectations of what a father should be after you took a complete gamble on who he was!

Nobody is interrogating him. It’s always been been nice and polite causal conversation. However due to relationship breakdown because of the texting whilst driving, he refuses to communicate with me (about anything). I’m not too fussed where she’s been or who he’s with as I don’t consult with him where I take her or who I take her to see. It’s about knowing about feedings ect as she’s only 9 months old and often refuses bedtime bottle the day he has her. this is very stressful for her and me. He was letting her sleep on an adult bed with not even a bed guard, I saw a picture and asked him to buy a travel cot however I still don’t know where she sleeps. It’s worrying.

How old is your daughter now? She sounds cared for during the time he is with her ( you can get points texting when stopped at traffic lights which you shouldn't do but wouldn't necessarily be placing her in immediate danger)

As you are separated you have to accept that in all likelihood you 'll paren't differently. Maybe if you stop the interrogation he may volunteer more info, take it as a positive that your daughter gets to know her Dad.

I would feel very anxious in your situation too; she's a tiny, vulnerable 5 month-old baby, reliant on you, and he is taking her away for 6-7 hours and being rude and disrespectful I you about it. I don't think you want to punish him; I think he has pushed you into something you are not ready to do, give up your vulnerable baby regularly to someone you barely know.

I'm not sure what to suggest. You could refuse access and let him take you to court? You could try explaining to him your (perfectly natural) anxieties, and say he can only see her with you until she is older?

I do think your concerns are perfectly valid.

I only voted YABU OP as you chose to create a life so you both have just as much right over that little girl as each other.

I don’t think it is because he is ashamed of you, but just that you’re a stranger to him really. It was a one night stand, so really you know nothing about each other. Usually when two people have a baby they know things about each other because they’ve had some sort of relationship. Sounds like he is maintaining contact out of a sense of duty, but is resentful.

Refuse contact. I would suspect its the famy pushing for the contact. Good chance mummy is the one looking after your dd thats why he doesn't know when she's been fed etc.
I've known quite a few men like this, and if they are anything to go by, he won't go to court, he will just lose interest.

It certainly doesn't sound like interrogation ffs! Asking when your 5 month old has ate and slept are perfectly acceptable questions to ask whe they have been away from you. Honestly what is wrong with some people!

take it as a positive that your daughter gets to know her Dad.

Yes, the drug dealer who speeds and texts while driving his baby in the car, and lies about his income so he doesn't have to pay for her, and can't even be friendly towards her mother and answer some simple questions all positives

How old is your daughter now? She sounds cared for during the time he is with her

Does she? In what way? Judt because she is still alive when she is returned?

Thank you for all the comments. Even the YRBU ones. I need to know! I’ve never interrogated him as I’ve been too afraid of falling out! I just wish we were friends. It’s important to me to know where and when my daughter sleeps and when and what she eats. That’s all. I’m just trying to be a mum. I’ve really tried my best to be friends, I spent a fortune on him for Father’s Day and wrote meaningful cards ect even though all I got was a “happy Mother’s Day” At 11pm!