Am I being unreasonable????

[Su5677]

Hello. Me and my daughters father were only together for one night (strangers). He wanted an abortion but when I told him I was keeping the baby the contact between me and him became very little. When my daughter was born, he came over to meet her. He is named on the birth certificate and he’s kept up seeing her once a week ever since. For the first 5 months I was there too until he demanded he have her alone. He has her 9-5 every Saturday or Sunday, however we don’t talk much and he often ignores me and refuses to communicate. It’s becoming a problem because when he takes our daughter for 8 hours, I have no idea where she’s been, feeds, changes ect. This is very stressful! He is very domineering, rude and unfriendly. He was caught texting and speeding whilst my little girl was in the car, it keeps me up at night, sick with worry. He often parties the night before he is due to pick little one up. I don’t trust my baby is in safe hands. His attitude is very mean and cold, I don’t know why. There’s been occasions where we have had a certain day set for him to come and collect her and he hasn’t showed up (he claims this is miscommunication) and has demanded he have her the next day, so I have had to cancel family trips out ect. He’s very much one of the “Ibiza lads” and is glued to Instagram! He’s very vain and self obsessed tbh! I have tried to keep a policy of no public accounts posting photos of my little girl as the internet is a very scary place. He refuses this and his pages remain public and many ghost accounts follow him. His family don’t care either and told me I had to earn their respect first before they comply. His life style worries me greatly as I’ve been informed by multiple people he is their drug dealer. He was dishonest about his salary and turns out he has been underpaying me by quite a lot! I wish I didn’t tell him about my pregnancy. I would rather no money and for him to just leave us alone! I believe he is no good for my daughter and sets a terrible example. I have a bad gut feeling about him that I can’t shake. It’s starting to really get me down and some days I feel totally defeated and powerless. I know a lot of women have it worse but I just want to know I’m not being totally unreasonable for expecting to know what my daughter is doing as she’s only a baby and can’t tell me herself.

My daughter is 9 months everyone!

Why haven't you formalised the arrangement? Maybe via the courts you could find out about previous convictions etc that you're so convinced of?

When did I say I was convinced of previous convictions??

'I’ve never interrogated him as I’ve been too afraid of falling out'

Ask him for a sit down adult conversation and explain to him everything you have said on this post. Make sure he knows it's the best thing for your daughter too. Although you're nervous about conflict, you don't want him to think he can walk over you so put your foot down.

YANBU! There no way I would send my baby to what is essentially a stranger who refused to cooperate with me.

Yes I know he's the father but he sounds like an idiot.

Sorry OP I really feel for you. I would hate this scenario and I don't blame you for feeling this way. At the very least you need to have a handover document. What she ate, drank, slept etc. She's a baby and she needs to be both your priority. If you don't feel comfortable sending her then stop contact and go through the courts. Good luck x

@Su5677

When did I say I was convinced of previous convictions??

I'm not the person you asked but I'm jumping in. You said he was done for texting and driving so I assumed he was charged and sentenced. A driving course and fine I assumed. You both need to grow up and make an effort to coparent healthily for the sake of your child.

SORRY I read it wrong and thought you were wondering why people were asking about his convictions so maybe PP did it the other way around and thought the text and drive was about you.

You both need to grow up and make an effort to coparent healthily for the sake of your child.

In what way does the OP need to grow up. She is being perfectly responsible and respectful of what sounds like a waster who doesn't deserve it. Please explain?

Maybe my language was badly written and that's my bad.

They need to coparent healthily for example if he actually is involved in drugs as a dealer and has been underpaying then OP needs to pursue those things officially so they are noted and acted on by the correct authorities.

What I should have meant (I accept I phrased it poorly) is that each need to accept they are both adults with agency over their decisions, take a step back and think what is best for the child.

He should too, but we know he won't, do OP will have to go through official channels to do as much as she can to keep little one safe.

Coparenting healthily can mean it's not healthy for one parent to have unsupervised access to a child. As that wouldn't be healthy.

Thank you for challenging me on that, I wouldn't want you to think people thought I was giving OP a kicking.

@newnameforthis123 if he has been underpaying her what is the official route? I highly doubt a drug dealer is declaring his income.

OP, I too would be wary and I am a fairly lax person. As you don't know much about this guy, can I suggest you ask for a disclosure on him under Sarah's law. I am not insinuating anything but would be a start to build up a picture of who he really is.

My fear is with courts and official channels is him being awarded even more custody (not that he wants that). People with worse records are awarded access to their children! The relationship would be even more toxic, if we went through the courts and he was still granted access, even more “reason” to resent me!

Would him being given 6 points and a fine for texting while driving with an infant in the car bare any relevance in court????? Or would it be overlooked?

The relationship would be even more toxic, if we went through the courts and he was still granted access, even more “reason” to resent me!

OP, I think you have to get the idea that you will have any kind of friendship or amicable co-parenting scenario out of your head here. Yes, that may be the ideal tha you hoped for, but as you've discovered, the reality is quite different.

It doesn't matter what he thinks of you - the only thing that's relevant is your daughter's safety.

You need to go through mediation before court in most cases. And even if access is granted via courts, they can stipulate a contact record be completed on handovers.

In any case I would relay your fears to either MW or NSPCC for their advice. If he cannot keep her safe, he doesn't deserve to have her.....unsupervised anyway.

It’s important to me to know where and when my daughter sleeps and when and what she eats.

No it isn’t. As long as he isn’t starving her, it’s really none of your business.

I spent a fortune on him for Father’s Day and wrote meaningful cards ect even though all I got was a “happy Mother’s Day” At 11pm!

Why did you do that? You’re not a couple. Why would you think he should wish you happy Mother’s Day at all? You’re not his mother, and again, you’re not a couple.

@heartsonacake

It’s important to me to know where and when my daughter sleeps and when and what she eats.

No it isn’t. As long as he isn’t starving her, it’s really none of your business.

I spent a fortune on him for Father’s Day and wrote meaningful cards ect even though all I got was a “happy Mother’s Day” At 11pm!

Why did you do that? You’re not a couple. Why would you think he should wish you happy Mother’s Day at all? You’re not his mother, and again, you’re not a couple.

How is it not her business? it's her child. I'm sure if he asked what their daughter had eaten with her she would tell him so what is really so hard to do so. That is co parenting.

How can you tell me that something isn’t important to me? Safe sleep and what my daughter is eating is important. What kind of Mother would I be, if I didn’t care about these basics? I got him gifts for Father’s Day for my daughter. She might look back one day and appreciate me making an effort with her father. It was a nice thing to do and I’ll do it again next year, for my daughter. I’m trying to “co-parent” with this person peacefully however he is unfriendly and cold for no reason.

If she was hungry she would cry. If she was tired she would sleep. Granted him not giving you that info as courtesy is shit but he doesn't need to actually talk to you as horrible as that is.

You made the father's day thing this year, it was not reciprocated so do not repeat it. If need be, do messy play and paint her hand print on a bit of paper.... But do not buy him anything.

You have this rose tinted view of what you want Co parenting to look like but you need to see the reality for what it is. He is not interested in you. You won't attend school plays together, yous won't spend Christmas together as happy Co parents.

@Su5677

How can you tell me that something isn’t important to me? Safe sleep and what my daughter is eating is important. What kind of Mother would I be, if I didn’t care about these basics? I got him gifts for Father’s Day for my daughter. She might look back one day and appreciate me making an effort with her father. It was a nice thing to do and I’ll do it again next year, for my daughter. I’m trying to “co-parent” with this person peacefully however he is unfriendly and cold for no reason.

Sorry OP but you’re being a mug. He is disrespectful to you and you’re spending a fortune on presents and also tagging him on Facebook.

You need to realise that he doesn't want that kind of co-parenting relationship and stop running after him. Concentrate on your gorgeous baby and your own life and friends/family.

Your child when older will not care that you bought him Father’s Day presents, please don’t use that as an excuse.

Because it’s none of your business. You are willingly sending your daughter to him, so you need to leave him to it. He doesn’t need to tell you anything.

You want a perfect coparenting relationship, but you slept with a stranger and this happened, so of course you can’t have that.

You’re just a random woman he slept with one time; he doesn’t owe you anything, just like you don’t owe him anything. Don’t use your child as an excuse.

You also can’t come out with “but he did X and now I don’t trust him to keep her safe!” Because if that’s the case, you need to stop contact and allow the courts to deal with it.

@combatbarbie @honeygirlz I think, I have had a rose tinted idea of co-parenting. I always thought it would be nice for our daughter to have a mum and dad who talk and get on. He clearly, for some reason, would rather things be cold and distant.

@Su5677 he’s a twat who probably thinks contraception is solely a woman’s responsibility and that’s why he’s treating you like this, for daring to having a baby he wanted you to abort.

I hope you can take off the rose-tinted glasses! As you have genuine concerns about her safety, don’t let him have her.

I can't get over the Father's Day gifts, what did you buy, it doesn't sound like a token gift.

It certainly sounds like you're wanting more from him than a co parenting relationship.

@Su5677

How can you tell me that something isn’t important to me? Safe sleep and what my daughter is eating is important. What kind of Mother would I be, if I didn’t care about these basics? I got him gifts for Father’s Day for my daughter. She might look back one day and appreciate me making an effort with her father. It was a nice thing to do and I’ll do it again next year, for my daughter. I’m trying to “co-parent” with this person peacefully however he is unfriendly and cold for no reason.

I'm 99% sure your daughter won't give two tosses when she's older whether YOU got him presents or not. It's not from her so...

YANBU to want to know when she's eaten and slept but equally unless you suspect she's not done either then I don't think it's enough to be contemplating taking away access.

You need to go official. I know it's scary having the possibility of him having greater access but the courts offer that if it's in the child's best interests. You aren't the only parent here, he's as much her parent as you are, whether to you like it or not. I know it's a tough pill to swallow but that's what happens when two parents aren't together.

Stop cancelling your plans when he changes his for starters. If he doesn't turn up then he doesn't see her until the next week.

If you are going to insist on doing Father's Day then do a card and no more than a token gift (his family will probably do it if you don't so don't do it out of any obligation). Anything more doesn't show your DD how to be a nice person, it shows her how to be a mug to someone who is rude to her.

You also need to think about this access going forward. Once she's at nursery or school every weekend will mean neither of you can take her away for a weekend. EOW is standard for a reason.

You need to rid yourself of the thought of a happy co-parenting relationship. Not because it's wrong, but because it's not going to happen with this man.