Am I being unreasonable????

[Su5677]

Hello. Me and my daughters father were only together for one night (strangers). He wanted an abortion but when I told him I was keeping the baby the contact between me and him became very little. When my daughter was born, he came over to meet her. He is named on the birth certificate and he’s kept up seeing her once a week ever since. For the first 5 months I was there too until he demanded he have her alone. He has her 9-5 every Saturday or Sunday, however we don’t talk much and he often ignores me and refuses to communicate. It’s becoming a problem because when he takes our daughter for 8 hours, I have no idea where she’s been, feeds, changes ect. This is very stressful! He is very domineering, rude and unfriendly. He was caught texting and speeding whilst my little girl was in the car, it keeps me up at night, sick with worry. He often parties the night before he is due to pick little one up. I don’t trust my baby is in safe hands. His attitude is very mean and cold, I don’t know why. There’s been occasions where we have had a certain day set for him to come and collect her and he hasn’t showed up (he claims this is miscommunication) and has demanded he have her the next day, so I have had to cancel family trips out ect. He’s very much one of the “Ibiza lads” and is glued to Instagram! He’s very vain and self obsessed tbh! I have tried to keep a policy of no public accounts posting photos of my little girl as the internet is a very scary place. He refuses this and his pages remain public and many ghost accounts follow him. His family don’t care either and told me I had to earn their respect first before they comply. His life style worries me greatly as I’ve been informed by multiple people he is their drug dealer. He was dishonest about his salary and turns out he has been underpaying me by quite a lot! I wish I didn’t tell him about my pregnancy. I would rather no money and for him to just leave us alone! I believe he is no good for my daughter and sets a terrible example. I have a bad gut feeling about him that I can’t shake. It’s starting to really get me down and some days I feel totally defeated and powerless. I know a lot of women have it worse but I just want to know I’m not being totally unreasonable for expecting to know what my daughter is doing as she’s only a baby and can’t tell me herself.

I always thought it would be nice for our daughter to have a mum and dad who talk and get on. He clearly, for some reason, would rather things be cold and distant.

You slept with a stranger; your daughter didn’t come from a loving long term relationship. He remains cold and distant because he doesn’t have a clue who you are; he doesn’t know you.

Op I think you need to try to get him to sit down and talk to you. And do it in a non confrontational way.

I’d suggest there is a high chance he’s not looking after the child alone, possibly his parents or a partner are helping him.

You were literally a one night stand, and as much as when you have a one night stand you need to accept it could lead to pregnancy and the woman has the right to go through with it, and the man needs to step up and parent there can be a lot of resentment about it which can damage the relationship often irreparably.

I think if you wish a cordial relationship keep it light, and then try to get him to talk, ask if he fancies a coffee, tell him you want his advice about your daughter, then ask about feeding or something, say you’re worrried about how much she eats does it sound right to him, (or some such shit) and then ask if it’s the same as when she’s with him.

I suspect though someone else is feeding and caring for her, possibly his mother.

Let me correct myself. When I used the word stranger, I meant we just don’t know a lot about each other. However we have many many mutual friends and knew each other on a friendly basis before sleeping together and he shares the same social circle with my brother. He doesn’t owe me anything you’re right however he refuses to communicate with me because HE got caught texting and speeding and I made him aware I wasn’t impressed. She might not care about a Father’s Day Card but she might care if there’s so much bad feeling between her parents.

How old are you OP?

I’m 20 and he is 24

I feel for you OP. It's horrible to part with your baby when you don't feel reassured that she is safe during that time.

The problem is, the more you question him, the more he knows you do that because you don't trust him and therefore the less likely he is to tell you anything.

You are actually going on the other direction to an amicable relationship.

Try to relax as much as you can about feeding and sleeping times, knowing this is not essential and won't harm her. Denver that he won't be telling you anything he does that he shouldn't so instead, try to establish better relationship with his mum so you can find things from her without questioning as you did with the texting.

Build a diary of concerns but remind yourself that in all likelihood, she is absurdly fine with him and 5hings will get better and easier as she gets older. He has been committed to sticking to visit and bonding so he is taking things seriously even if there are a few mishaps with visit dates/times.

@Cheeseandwin5

You seem to want to punish and control him, I am not surprised he is feeling pushed into a corner if you interrogate him every time he goes out. You can listen to what others have said , but if you do go to court, there is a good chance he will get more custody rights and wont need to explain anything to you. I suggest you start working together for the benefit of your DC, instead of using her as a weapon.

Wtf are you on about? Seriously are you on glue?!

She might look back one day and appreciate me making an effort with her father.
No she wont. She will learn to accept shitty behaviour. Texting and speeding with a baby in the car, with police proof, would be the point i would say he now goes to court for access.

Why did you put him on the b/c as a one night stand who had no respect for you?!

Have no contact with his family. They are not your problem. They can earn YOUR respect, but since they are dicks, i wouldnt hold my breath.

I think you're mental for sending your baby off with some random that you had a ons with. He can't even give you the time of day and you give him your baby.

I only let people I know and trust look after my children. Genetics don't come into it. He might be the child's father - but other than a shag, that doesn't actually mean anything. It doesn't mean he will necessarily keep her safe, look after her properly, give her love and care. How would you feel if it turns out he's neglecting her, or somthing happens to her when she's in his care or worse he abuses her. Those are the reasons we only hand our children over to people we know and trust - or professionals that are monitored and vetted. He is neither.

I'd cut contact and tell him until he can prove he is trustworthy and a good person he can't see the child. He won't take you to court if he's a drug dealer and risk getting busted.

You need to gather all this information together, keep a journal and back it up somehow in case it's discovered or destroyed.
When people tell you he is their dealer...! Get their name and number. Tell them you won't report them to the police as long as they give you a written statement.
You need to collect some evidence then remove his parental rights.

You ABSOLUTELY have the right to know what your daughter is doing, how safe she is etc even with her father!

AND AS FOR HIS FAMILY SAYING YOU HAVE TO EARN THEIR RESPECT AND TRUST...!
Fuck that shit. Your the mother, it's your rules or no rules!!!!!!

Maybe it's time to confront him!

Tell him he's not having your daughter until he sits down and has a conversation with you.

Make it clear that the only relationship your interested in is as a co-parent.

Write a list of things you want to discuss and sort out and if you can get a neutral third person (who can act like a mediator) as witness and someone who will help move things along if you get stuck in an argument that would be ideal.

Tbh I would also film this entire thing just in case!

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion because the op didnt write she was upset, or had dirty nappies or was starving hungry.

As to the drug dealer bit, OP doesn't know that. Unfortunately plenty of parents drive less than perfectly but it sounds as though the baby was strapped in properly etc if it was in the car.
OP.sounds like she's trying to build a relationship as parents that the Dad doesn't want.

You need to come up with solutions to the communication rather than worrying about things you cannot control. A contact book works well for many families - you write down food and drink, plus anything else relevant eg given calpol at 4pm due to teething. As for getting caught texting, it's classified as texting and driving even stationary at a traffic light so not necessarily quite what it seems. You have 18 years of this, come up with solutions rather than trying to run away

@Su5677

I’m 20 and he is 24

Was there a particular reason you wanted to keep the baby at such a young age? Did you want a romantic relationship with him and hope having the baby might persuade him? I'm not criticising, just generally curious.

@Su5677

Thank you for all the comments. Even the YRBU ones. I need to know! I’ve never interrogated him as I’ve been too afraid of falling out! I just wish we were friends. It’s important to me to know where and when my daughter sleeps and when and what she eats. That’s all. I’m just trying to be a mum. I’ve really tried my best to be friends, I spent a fortune on him for Father’s Day and wrote meaningful cards ect even though all I got was a “happy Mother’s Day” At 11pm!

Do you give him a detailed account of what she has eaten, when she has slept, what she has done for the six days you have her. I think your questioning him is probably very irritating and why he doesn’t want to be friends. He has PR so he is entitled to get on with it.

If you have genuine concerns (other than not knowing what she has eaten) then stop contact and make him go through court.

Can I ask, why in this situation did you put him on the birth certificate? In doing so you have given him power over your daughter. I know you are only young and perhaps thought it was the best thing to do.... In this case it really wasn't.

I think you have a rocky road ahead of you. I wish you and your daughter well.

@combatbarbie

Can I ask, why in this situation did you put him on the birth certificate? In doing so you have given him power over your daughter. I know you are only young and perhaps thought it was the best thing to do.... In this case it really wasn't.

I think you have a rocky road ahead of you. I wish you and your daughter well.

Spot on.

@Alabamawhirly1

I think you're mental for sending your baby off with some random that you had a ons with. He can't even give you the time of day and you give him your baby.

I only let people I know and trust look after my children. Genetics don't come into it. He might be the child's father - but other than a shag, that doesn't actually mean anything. It doesn't mean he will necessarily keep her safe, look after her properly, give her love and care. How would you feel if it turns out he's neglecting her, or somthing happens to her when she's in his care or worse he abuses her. Those are the reasons we only hand our children over to people we know and trust - or professionals that are monitored and vetted. He is neither.

I'd cut contact and tell him until he can prove he is trustworthy and a good person he can't see the child. He won't take you to court if he's a drug dealer and risk getting busted.

Agree with all of the above. I wouldn't hand over a dog let alone a child in the circumstances.

I would do a contact book, just put in last slept, last fed, last nappy change. and space for notes, eg how child has been any special event? You start it off with your noters just ask him to do that so when you get child back you know when baby was last fed, changed, slept, thats really all you need.
The drug thing does sound worrying but sounds a bit like hear say. Saying that I knew a noce middle class lad that apparently was the go to person for coke, yet I would def have trusted with childre. As long as he wasn,t on the coke.

Really appreciate everyone’s responses here. The contact book sounds like a good idea. I don’t think it’s anything I would like to take to a court. Perhaps I should have asked instead How to deal with a hostile baby dad who has communication issues. His attitude is very much that because he pays maintenance (not the full amount) that I should be grateful (he called me ungrateful after I picked him up on incorrect maintenance). He changes plans last minute too then demands I cancel my plans because he’s got a right to see her. Then ignores me when I challenge him about being inconsiderate. So he thinks because he pays money, he can dictate and make my life awkward.

I should add here, he ignores me when I tell him I’ve got plans! Had to cancel a family trip out.

He doesn’t owe me anything you’re right however he refuses to communicate with me because HE got caught texting and speeding and I made him aware I wasn’t impressed.

It's not for you to be impressed or have any opinion on his driving conviction unless it's in relation to his ability to care for your DD, OP. Telling him you're not impressed is completely irrelevant if you're still handing over the baby - he's clearly not interested in impressing you!

She might not care about a Father’s Day Card but she might care if there’s so much bad feeling between her parents

You can't make him be nice to you or like you. You can't even make him be nice to her. All you can do is protect her from harm and use sound judgement to take sensible courses of action if you feel she's unsafe.

If you wanted to raise a baby in a stable and positive co-parenting arrangement, having a ONS with a friend-of-a-friend wasn't the way to achieve that. Obviously, you can't change the past, but you really do need to adjust your expectations of your DD's father and your interactions with him if you want to do the best by your daughter.

What’s he paying? Not much? He thinks chucking a few quid means he can dictate to you, he can fuck off! He has no idea what full time care of a baby is! Stop letting him dictate to you OP.

He changes plans last minute too then demands I cancel my plans because he’s got a right to see her. Then ignores me when I challenge him about being inconsiderate

You say "no, I'm not cancelling my plans - it's actually that she has a right to see you, and you don't have any right to control me or my plans. I'm happy to discuss alternative dates if you can't make it but x doesn't work for us".

You don't need to challenge him on being inconsiderate - it doesn't matter what he's like as a person and you can't change him.

Stand your ground and set firm boundaries in terms of contact. That's how he learns to give you notice when he wants to change arrangements, not through having a heart-to-heart about it!

And this is precisely why you get a contact order from the court. It specifies days and times for contact. If he fails to show up... Tough. He waits til the following week. Honestly you are setting yourself up for having the next 16yrs of being a puppet to this arse hole.