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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable????

110 replies

Su5677 · 02/09/2020 21:38

Hello. Me and my daughters father were only together for one night (strangers). He wanted an abortion but when I told him I was keeping the baby the contact between me and him became very little. When my daughter was born, he came over to meet her. He is named on the birth certificate and he’s kept up seeing her once a week ever since. For the first 5 months I was there too until he demanded he have her alone. He has her 9-5 every Saturday or Sunday, however we don’t talk much and he often ignores me and refuses to communicate. It’s becoming a problem because when he takes our daughter for 8 hours, I have no idea where she’s been, feeds, changes ect. This is very stressful! He is very domineering, rude and unfriendly. He was caught texting and speeding whilst my little girl was in the car, it keeps me up at night, sick with worry. He often parties the night before he is due to pick little one up. I don’t trust my baby is in safe hands. His attitude is very mean and cold, I don’t know why. There’s been occasions where we have had a certain day set for him to come and collect her and he hasn’t showed up (he claims this is miscommunication) and has demanded he have her the next day, so I have had to cancel family trips out ect. He’s very much one of the “Ibiza lads” and is glued to Instagram! He’s very vain and self obsessed tbh! I have tried to keep a policy of no public accounts posting photos of my little girl as the internet is a very scary place. He refuses this and his pages remain public and many ghost accounts follow him. His family don’t care either and told me I had to earn their respect first before they comply. His life style worries me greatly as I’ve been informed by multiple people he is their drug dealer. He was dishonest about his salary and turns out he has been underpaying me by quite a lot! I wish I didn’t tell him about my pregnancy. I would rather no money and for him to just leave us alone! I believe he is no good for my daughter and sets a terrible example. I have a bad gut feeling about him that I can’t shake. It’s starting to really get me down and some days I feel totally defeated and powerless. I know a lot of women have it worse but I just want to know I’m not being totally unreasonable for expecting to know what my daughter is doing as she’s only a baby and can’t tell me herself.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 03/09/2020 13:17

He has a legal obligation to provide for his daughter. It has nothing to do with contact! It's completely separate. My DD has never met her bio dad (his choice) but he still pays for her via CMS because he lied about a payrise so now they deal with him so I don't have to.

LonginesPrime · 03/09/2020 13:17

Child maintenance and child contact are completely separate issues, OP, so each time he tries to link the two, repeat that to him.

He's not paying maintenance to gain parental rights, he's paying maintenance because it's his parental responsibility.

LonginesPrime · 03/09/2020 13:18

Sorry, cross-post!

abstractprojection · 03/09/2020 13:18

You need legal advise OP as you can get in a lot of trouble stopping contact without going through the rights channels and procedures first. However it sounds like you have a good case for access to be supervised (by officials at centre and at his expenses) only.

Things like photos on Insta you can’t control though, he is her father and has the right to do so.

combatbarbie · 03/09/2020 13:19

I really don't mean to sound harsh but you are so young and naive. Listen to us.... I know we are a bunch of strangers but most of us have knowledge and experience in this. This is never going to be happy families so you are best setting legal boundaries now.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2020 13:20

His family don’t care either and told me I had to earn their respect first before they comply

Comply with what? Tell them to fuck off

abstractprojection · 03/09/2020 13:22

@Su5677

My fear is with courts and official channels is him being awarded even more custody (not that he wants that). People with worse records are awarded access to their children! The relationship would be even more toxic, if we went through the courts and he was still granted access, even more “reason” to resent me!
This is what legal advise for. You don’t need to take any action just find out what your options and likely outcomes are
combatbarbie · 03/09/2020 13:26

He will only be granted what he requests OP. The norm is either 50/50 care which will not work in this situation or every other weekend and maybe one evening a week.

If he says he can only do Saturdays because of xyz a judge will implement that. They certainly won't force him to have additional time.

In fact given what you have said about him potentially being a drug dealer and the car/texting I would be requesting supervised access initially.

Why would he resent you??? 😳

LonginesPrime · 03/09/2020 13:35

You need legal advise OP as you can get in a lot of trouble stopping contact without going through the rights channels and procedures first

What kind of trouble?

I do agree that OP should get legal advice and definitely formalise contact, but I don't see how she's going to get in a lot of trouble!

Shelby2010 · 03/09/2020 13:39

Don’t change your plans for him. If he refuses to accept this & you’re worried about a confrontation, just go out before he turns up.

I think you should get legal advice & a residency order. As he is on the birth certificate he would be within his legal rights to take your baby and refuse to return her. The police wouldn’t be able to do anything because he is the father and there is no court order.

combatbarbie · 03/09/2020 13:39

She would only get into trouble if she withheld contact on a court order. 🤔

combatbarbie · 03/09/2020 13:41

*Don’t change your plans for him. If he refuses to accept this & you’re worried about a confrontation, just go out before he turns up.

I think you should get legal advice & a residency order. As he is on the birth certificate he would be within his legal rights to take your baby and refuse to return her. The police wouldn’t be able to do anything because he is the father and there is no court order. *

Exactly this OP........

cooldarkroom · 03/09/2020 13:42

Do not change your plans, if he misses his "slot", tough
Do you have any proof he is a dealer ?

greengreengrass14 · 03/09/2020 13:43

You may want to talk it through with Rights of Women.

They have a helpline. Not easy to get through to.

Please keep a notebook of dates and times when he has seen his daughter and what happened. You may need it if the case goes to court.

greengreengrass14 · 03/09/2020 13:44

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

ShinyGreenElephant · 03/09/2020 13:50

I would never have sent my daughter with him again once he was caught texting and driving with her in the car. Or even if she wasn't in the car to be honest. Ask social services for advice and ask them to investigate him, giving the reasons youve given here (the drug dealing and dangerous driving not that hes not specific about when shes been fed and doesnt tag you in photos)

dontdisturbmenow · 03/09/2020 14:05

He sounds immature rather than a terrible father that should in no circumstances be removed from you dd's life.

He is committed though so good on you for going with it.

In MN land, fathers are redundant unless they are perfect. Mothers are entitled not to be because...well...they're a mother.

Children deserve a mum and dad. I've seen many you g father's (and mothers) acting in not the best behaviour when the children are babies but turning out to be fantastic parents. Men often make up for their parenting during the teenage phase.

Keep it up and try to find ways to improve communication, and hopefully it will get easier.

Phrowzunn · 03/09/2020 14:18

And this kids is why you don’t sleep with strangers! There’s no way in hell I’d hand my baby daughter to some random man I don’t know for him to have unsupervised access. He could be doing literally anything with/to her. To people saying ‘he’s her father’ - what the hell does that even mean? Ejaculating into a woman he’s never met before does not somehow qualify him to be a good dad to the resulting baby or a trustworthy person in general. No, just no. He’s a stranger, and could be (and sounds like he already is) a threat to your daughter. Block him and he can take you to court if he wants to.

LadyLairdArgyll · 03/09/2020 14:24

He is a stranger to you OP, stop all contact and let him do it through Court 🌺

ErickBroch · 03/09/2020 14:31

Two things here. I completely understand why you are concerned I would be too with the speeding with her in the car and not showing up / skipping days etc.

On the other hand, you clearly have some issues regarding being rejected by him. Its not a bad thing, you have had his child and he ignores you, I understand that must hurt. Whether he posts about you or tags you on social media is completely irrelevant and you should not expect that to be the case. There is no reason that he would do that. You need to separate your issues with his time management etc and your personal feelings of rejection Flowers

Mix56 · 03/09/2020 14:41

The Op is 20,
she probably thought he would man up & be someone she dreamed of.
As it stands she doesn't know if he is selling & more likely than not taking drugs etc. He may well just leave baby with his mother, or other random female around to be honest.
Stop contact

lyralalala · 03/09/2020 14:50

@Phrowzunn

And this kids is why you don’t sleep with strangers! There’s no way in hell I’d hand my baby daughter to some random man I don’t know for him to have unsupervised access. He could be doing literally anything with/to her. To people saying ‘he’s her father’ - what the hell does that even mean? Ejaculating into a woman he’s never met before does not somehow qualify him to be a good dad to the resulting baby or a trustworthy person in general. No, just no. He’s a stranger, and could be (and sounds like he already is) a threat to your daughter. Block him and he can take you to court if he wants to.
On that train of thought he could say that the OP is a stranger to him and therefore could be a danger to his daughter...
lyralalala · 03/09/2020 14:54

@Su5677

I should add here, he ignores me when I tell him I’ve got plans! Had to cancel a family trip out.
He can't take your DC if you refuse to hand them over of if you've already gone out for your family day out. If he causes a scene at your house then call the police.

It sounds like formal access and maintenance through court and CMS would be better for you.

Cookies2523 · 03/09/2020 15:07

It sounds to me like he is 'dumping' your daughter on his mum /other family member, so he can go off & do whatever. I think that's why he can't answer your questions. He sounds a real ticket & not worthy of being in your daughters life.

Yeahnahmum · 03/09/2020 15:14

Biiiìiiig mistake putting him on the birth certificate 😣.
Stop pretending to play mum and dad.
He is cold and distant to you because he doesnt care about you. He only cares about his daughter.

Well at least he does that. Plenty of men who would have just sailed off into the night without a word . Yuck. Anyway. Stop pretending things in your head.stop buying father day gifts etc. He is your daughters dad
But you are not a couple. Nor a seperated family. He was a stranger. And still is.
Speak to the man and sort him out that you need to know when she slept and was fed etc.