Am I being unreasonable????

[Su5677]

Hello. Me and my daughters father were only together for one night (strangers). He wanted an abortion but when I told him I was keeping the baby the contact between me and him became very little. When my daughter was born, he came over to meet her. He is named on the birth certificate and he’s kept up seeing her once a week ever since. For the first 5 months I was there too until he demanded he have her alone. He has her 9-5 every Saturday or Sunday, however we don’t talk much and he often ignores me and refuses to communicate. It’s becoming a problem because when he takes our daughter for 8 hours, I have no idea where she’s been, feeds, changes ect. This is very stressful! He is very domineering, rude and unfriendly. He was caught texting and speeding whilst my little girl was in the car, it keeps me up at night, sick with worry. He often parties the night before he is due to pick little one up. I don’t trust my baby is in safe hands. His attitude is very mean and cold, I don’t know why. There’s been occasions where we have had a certain day set for him to come and collect her and he hasn’t showed up (he claims this is miscommunication) and has demanded he have her the next day, so I have had to cancel family trips out ect. He’s very much one of the “Ibiza lads” and is glued to Instagram! He’s very vain and self obsessed tbh! I have tried to keep a policy of no public accounts posting photos of my little girl as the internet is a very scary place. He refuses this and his pages remain public and many ghost accounts follow him. His family don’t care either and told me I had to earn their respect first before they comply. His life style worries me greatly as I’ve been informed by multiple people he is their drug dealer. He was dishonest about his salary and turns out he has been underpaying me by quite a lot! I wish I didn’t tell him about my pregnancy. I would rather no money and for him to just leave us alone! I believe he is no good for my daughter and sets a terrible example. I have a bad gut feeling about him that I can’t shake. It’s starting to really get me down and some days I feel totally defeated and powerless. I know a lot of women have it worse but I just want to know I’m not being totally unreasonable for expecting to know what my daughter is doing as she’s only a baby and can’t tell me herself.

In the nicest way possible I think you need to grow up a bit and grow a back bone. It very much reads that you are hoping you will 'get back together' one day, possibly this is why you had the child to have a tie to him. It now sounds like you are disappointed that it has not worked out the way you were hoping.

It is madness to send your baby off to a stranger, which is what a ONS is. Don't be worried about him getting more access, I would be shocked if he continued a claim.

Stand up for yourself a bit more. Sorry if this reads harshly, not my intention.

He might not, but his Mother might push him

@Cheeseandwin5

You seem to want to punish and control him, I am not surprised he is feeling pushed into a corner if you interrogate him every time he goes out. You can listen to what others have said , but if you do go to court, there is a good chance he will get more custody rights and wont need to explain anything to you. I suggest you start working together for the benefit of your DC, instead of using her as a weapon.

This is a man who thinks it’s ok to text and speed whilst he’s driving. On that alone OP would be within rights to stop contact.

Ask social services for advice and ask them to investigate him, giving the reasons youve given here (the drug dealing and dangerous driving

It might be different where you are, but where I am, SS wouldn't investigate a non-resident parent at the request of the other parent - they would just advise the resident parent to seek legal advice in the first instance.

It's not a child welfare issue if they have a protective parent who can protect them from the risks and SS don't provide that kind of service in our area because parents are expected to use their judgement to keep their own DC safe.

In any case, what could be gained from SS doing a criminal record check when the risks are clear and the criminal record is already known to the OP?

OP, you should use your own parental judgement (and recognise that this is currently clouded by your emotional issues around the father), trust your instincts and, if necessary, seek legal advice.

I don’t think it’s anything I would like to take to a court.

If you won’t go to court to finalise contact arrangements then you’re just going to have to put up with it.

If you go to court it will result in a more stable, healthy outcome for all of you. You’ll all know exactly where you stand and what’s expected, and it will benefit your child greatly.

I doubt that Social Services will take any action due to a driving offence. The police must have seen that the baby was in the car & neither they or the court referred to SS. So whilst I would also be furious, I doubt it would be enough for a court to cut contact.

Are you on speaking terms with his mother? Might be worth asking her subtly if she’s seen DD recently. It’s likely that his mother does the feeding & nappy changes, so if you go carefully you may be at least able to get that info from her. Also if she IS the one doing the child care then you can also update her on the baby’s latest foods etc. Might give you some peace of mind.

You sound as if you're trying to engineer a relationship with him when there isn't one, other than him being the father of your child.
The stuff about note being in his social media, not being tagged, him not getting you a Mothers Day card, part of his family.
I'm not suggesting that you don't have valid concerns about his contact with your daughter, but have a good think about the points you've made here and sort out what is and isn't relevant before you go to social services/seek advice from rights of women - and valid sources for your concerns, which will stand up more than X or Y said.

Op I could be wrong but it sounds to me like you maybe hoped a relationship would develop between you two. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in not wanting him to speed, but as long as she’s fed/cared for- do you need to know what she ate? I think you give him too much power, spending money on him, worrying about him etc. If you have genuine fears that she is unsafe in his care stop visits, if not try and trust him as a parent.

My sons father failed to clip him in his car seat once or put the seat belt round the seat. That alone made me stop his access until mediation. He was speeding whilst texting which I'm guessing was documented by police with a tiny child in the car. That to me is grounds alone to say see you in court buddy your not caring for the child by putting her at risk.

It would be in your daughter's best interests, to let him take you to court for court ordered access. Then, you and she will know what day she's going there.
Also, don't change your plans. If he says he can't have her on his normal day, and wants her on a day you already have plans for, then he'll just have to wait until his next time.