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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To End Relationship Because Partner Blocks Me?

393 replies

Merriden · 02/09/2020 18:16

I’ll give as much information as I really need to know if I’m in the wrong.

I have 3 DC. 2 with ExH and one with current DP.

Relationship with DP is only ok as long as things are going his way.

If I ever disagree with him, he either:

a) Completely and utterly ignores me. By this I mean sit in the same room as me and ignores me.

b) If he isn’t home and we disagree (or as soon as he goes out) he blocks on his phone so I can’t communicate with him. Once this was problematic when our DS was hospitalised and I couldn’t get hold of him at all.

This blocking can and will go on for days at a time until I inevitably relent because the atmosphere at home gets vile.

Today, he is at work and has blocked all forms of communication because yet again I disagreed with him this morning over something to do with arrangements for DS’s childcare whilst I work. (DP is very vocal about where DS should be but rarely, if ever steps in to parent his own child)

AIBU to end this relationship as frankly seeing as we are both adults and his toddler strops make for a horrible atmosphere at home and I’m completely done with it. Plus I have DDS and I don’t want them thinking this is acceptable behaviour in relationships. ( Or for DS but he’s quite a bit younger to be honest.)

OP posts:
NoProblem123 · 02/09/2020 22:55

Silent treatment is a classic sign you’re dealing with a narcissist.
It’s part of the devaluing stage and is all about control.
Once you get back in your lane it will be back to business as usual, until the next time you dare to have an opinion different to theirs.

Drop their sorry arse and concentrate on yourself and your children, he will only get worse sadly.

PickAChew · 02/09/2020 22:56

Even if he did threaten going for full custody, the minute he realises that you're serious and resolute, you probably won't see him for dust.

He'll be too busy looking for his next victim.

reader12 · 02/09/2020 23:02

I’m very glad to hear about your brother being involved. Good luck and be careful. Can a friend come and stay with you for the next few days? The presence of another calm & supportive adult might help a lot if he turns up and turns angry.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 02/09/2020 23:11

You sound like you are having some big lightbulb moments. Honestly the guy sounds like a cunt.

You have done well to better yourself, you can easily stick to this. Don’t let him feel sorry for him. He’s been leeching off you for years.

Bizawit · 02/09/2020 23:12

Well done OP!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/09/2020 23:20

Good luck with your new life.

Pobblebonk · 02/09/2020 23:21

I think DP may try to go for full custody, that’s always been his threat that he’d get full custody and I’d have to pay him maintenance.

He'd run a mile if he thought he was actually going to have to parent his child. He might try to do this out of spite but I seriously question whether he'd follow it through.

Heffalooomia · 02/09/2020 23:29

The custody thing is probably an idle threat to keep you in your place, even so be strategic and make sure you've all the information and evidence you need to build that case against him

AlrightTreacle · 02/09/2020 23:31

Well done OP! I think a lot of people have had a light bulb moment about their relationship over lockdown, one of the few silver linings. You sound like you've got a good plan, hope it all goes well.

Just think how much better life will be when he's gone and you don't have to walk on eggshells. Don't worry about him going for full custody, even if he does (which I doubt he will), he has nowhere to live, debts, hasn't had a full time job in the last 4 years, frequently goes AWOL when he's meant to be looking after his kid (if it does go to court, be sure to bring up the time he was AWOL when your son was in hospital). Whereas you have your own home, a job, and don't storm off like a teenager for days. I would get some legal advice to put your mind at rest, but just had a quick Google about how custody is decided in the UK...

"Factors Determining Outcome of Custody:
If you have ever been involved in a child custody case, or you are about to begin one, you most likely have heard the phrase “best interests of the child”. This is almost universally used to determine custody and visitation issues based on the Best Interests of the Child Standard.

Case law defines this standard differently, but in general, there are certain common-sense factors and themes that appear the majority of the time. The list of factors fall into four categories:

  1. The historical picture examining each parent’s role in nurturing the child since birth;
  1. The prospective picture considering the parents’ situations going into the future;
  1. Status concerns referring to the personality or behavioural traits of each party; and
  1. The preference of the child."

He's not going to come off well for factors 1 - 3 compared to you, is he?

Congrats on your promotion, and congrats on kicking the abusive loser out!

UnpaintedPaint · 02/09/2020 23:33

Good luck.

I think you’ve made the best choice, and you seem to be in a very good situation, with your own home

I’m so pleased you are getting a locksmith early in the morning.

And it’s good that you have a brother who will support you and store your boyfriends belongings.

It would be a problem, if they weren’t stored safelyI think.

I had a boyfriend, who would fall out with me, and not speak to me, whilst being lovely with our friends and colleagues.

It really was heartbreaking, baffling, and cruel, and he relished making me miserable.

We had no future, and I only hope he’s nicer to whoever he lives with now, many years later.

Lilymossflower · 02/09/2020 23:42

That is abusive behaviour from him

Everyonetakeiteasy · 02/09/2020 23:44

Congratulations for your new job and new outlook on life 🎉🎉🎉 absolutely fab🌹

notapizzaeater · 02/09/2020 23:45

Tomorrow Is the first day of the rest of your life. Glad you DB can help.
£140 a month, that's less than £5 a day - wouldn't have fed / clothed your DS yet alone give you something.

InFiveMins · 02/09/2020 23:53

Well done OP. Whatever you do, stick to it. He is vile, you and your children deserve better.

Heffalooomia · 02/09/2020 23:54

He was far from pulling his weight with a £140 a month surely he must have consumed more than that himself?
He had it really cushy, I wonder what his backup plan was👀
(.... Oh no back-up plan you say....?
you thought you could ride the gravy train forever👀)

Hodgewell1 · 02/09/2020 23:59

Stand strong and know you are doing the right thing. Well done to get a promotion in the current climate and to also secure good childcare for the children. You have basically been operating as a single parent and so have nothing to fear. Do not let him intimidate you.

tensmum1964 · 03/09/2020 00:54

Good for you. No doubt once he realises that you mean what you say this time, he will come crawling back. Stay strong and don't be persuaded to cave. You deserve better. X

Whatsnewpussyhat · 03/09/2020 01:06

Well thank fuck you aren't married to the dickhead.

Have you no idea about his actual financial situation? Proof of debts etc? He's probably bullshiting so he hasn't had to give you money because he knows you can pay for everything.

Could there be another woman? Only asking as my ex dickhead used to start fights to give him an excuse to disappear like that.

occa · 03/09/2020 01:15

Congratulations on your promotion and on your new life OP!

Things will be so much better from now on.

GammyLeg · 03/09/2020 01:21

Good job OP! It really sounds like you won’t miss him - you’re already doing all the heavy lifting.

spongedog · 03/09/2020 01:25

I already felt from your opening post that he was abusive - blocking, stonewalling, ignoring, disappearing etc and then you wrote this

He also has a habit of saying he’ll have DS on non-nursery days and then disappearing at the last minute sometimes leaving me in a mess for work. So I felt nursery was a better all-round solution. DP does not and rather than find a better one or be consistent himself, he’s decided to ignore me. Presumably until I withdraw from the new job as he’s long had an issue with my wages being higher than his.

This is highly abusive as it forces you to either give up work or rely on other childcare. But it is not done as a result of a joint discussion. It is him choosing to let you and his child down.

Please keep a log if you can (tedious I know) - if you have diary/calendar/financial notes particularly going back. You may want to be able to show your legal team that he is unreliable for childcare. Do you have a nursery book that shows who collected DS? Perhaps request a copy from nursery. This is not about denying access, but gathering proof for refuting a potential claim by him to be primary carer. That actually despite you working, you still did childcare.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2020 01:52

Locksmith coming tomorrow, are you 'safe' for tonight? Do you have a door chain/bolt or can you leave your key in the lock so his won't work?

AddictedToRadley · 03/09/2020 02:43

I’m so happy that you have been able to make a decision to go forward without him. The first couple of months you may find yourself remembering the good times and wondering if his bad side was really that bad. Try to make notes of how he made you feel when he blocked you, went awol etc so that you’re not tempted to have him back on those cold winters nights when the kids are in bed and you have thinking time. You are absolutely doing the right thing for you. You are also absolutely doing the right thing for your children. You don’t want your daughters to grow up thinking that behaviour is acceptable and get into a relationship like that and you don’t want your son thinking that’s how you treat women to get your own way.
You are amazing and this will be the single best thing you could do for both yourself and your DC.
Good luck Flowers Gin Cake for you

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 03/09/2020 03:19

Well done op your a strong woman and you really dont need that douche bag in yours or your children's lives.

Babymummy777 · 03/09/2020 05:17

Well done OP! You have made the best decision. Best of luck! Hope all goes well for you :)