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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To End Relationship Because Partner Blocks Me?

393 replies

Merriden · 02/09/2020 18:16

I’ll give as much information as I really need to know if I’m in the wrong.

I have 3 DC. 2 with ExH and one with current DP.

Relationship with DP is only ok as long as things are going his way.

If I ever disagree with him, he either:

a) Completely and utterly ignores me. By this I mean sit in the same room as me and ignores me.

b) If he isn’t home and we disagree (or as soon as he goes out) he blocks on his phone so I can’t communicate with him. Once this was problematic when our DS was hospitalised and I couldn’t get hold of him at all.

This blocking can and will go on for days at a time until I inevitably relent because the atmosphere at home gets vile.

Today, he is at work and has blocked all forms of communication because yet again I disagreed with him this morning over something to do with arrangements for DS’s childcare whilst I work. (DP is very vocal about where DS should be but rarely, if ever steps in to parent his own child)

AIBU to end this relationship as frankly seeing as we are both adults and his toddler strops make for a horrible atmosphere at home and I’m completely done with it. Plus I have DDS and I don’t want them thinking this is acceptable behaviour in relationships. ( Or for DS but he’s quite a bit younger to be honest.)

OP posts:
BillMasen · 03/09/2020 13:30

I’m not saying you’re wrong for splitting. Not one bit.

Just that his position is the one that’s always highlighted to women on here as risky (move in to someone else’s house, not on the deeds) and they’re always advised never to do it unless they secure some rights.

The fact he can be thrown out with no notice is testament to that risk

FWIW I think he deserves some notice. A woman in his position would be told her DP was unfair to throw here out with no notice

Cocacolathanks · 03/09/2020 13:34

Didn’t want to read and run from such a good ending - good for you, OP! So happy you have the courage and strength to leave that useless excuse for a man. May your life now be full of happy moments with your deserving children.

Don’t regret your decision - you are fortunately much better off financially than a lot of women who are in the same situation you have just gotten out of so use it to your advantage and enjoy your new freedom Wine

You deserve happiness and your kids do too! Lots of well wishes to you all.

LadyLairdArgyll · 03/09/2020 13:36

how are you OP 🌺

Original poster
Merriden · 03/09/2020 13:39

I’m just on my lunch break but I’m ok today.

I will pop in this evening to update Smile

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 03/09/2020 13:42

BillMasen

FWIW I think he deserves some notice. A woman in his position would be told her DP was unfair to throw here out with no notice

I can 100% with all honestly say that if a woman came on here stating they have been abusing their partner, making the minimum financial contribution whilst making no efforts to parent their child or pull their weight with the upkeep of their home then I would tell her she deserves to be chucked out on her arse.

If this mystical woman stated that during periods when she stonewall her partner she disappears, cutting off all communication and staying out overnight, I'd tell her she deserved everything she was about to get and she needs to sort herself out.

OP, you owe him nothing. Continue with your plan. Flowers

mbosnz · 03/09/2020 13:43

Why does he 'deserve' some notice? He flounced off, wouldn't respond to communications. Doesn't contribute to the household beyond a paltry token sum. Doesn't parent his child. Gives the silent treatment.

I'd say he's getting exactly what he 'deserves'. At least OP was kind enough to attempt to communicate to him that he'd cooked his goose good and proper this time, and the good times were coming to an end. . .

SharkBrilliant · 03/09/2020 13:51

I agree with PPs... it’s not the typical situation where someone deserves notice.

A SAHM being kicked out with no notice is entirely different to this scenario. He has a job, therefore money. He disappears overnight, therefore he has somewhere to stay.

I think he has a bloody nerve disappearing for days, blocking his partner and then just expecting to turn up at her house for food and shelter when he thinks he’s punished her enough with his abusive shit. You get what you deserve sometimes and he deserves nothing from the OP with this sort of behaviour

LakieLady · 03/09/2020 13:58

Has anyone called him a cocklodger yet? For that surely is what he is!

I believe I did, earlier this morning, but I'd be surprised if I was the first.

I frankly wouldn't care if he was sleeping in a shop doorway tonight, it's no more than he deserves.

You've done brilliantly, OP. Flowers

Headintheshedagain · 03/09/2020 14:07

I left my ex husband nearly five years ago because he would ignore if he was annoyed and it could be caused by anything. He would either ignore me or talk to me like crap. My kids started noticing. I didn't want to raise them in a house where they would think this was normal.

I am in another relationship where I don't have to walk on eggshells and it is such a relief and I didn't realise quite how bad it was until I wasn't living in it

LadyLairdArgyll · 03/09/2020 14:07

I love when Mumsnet can help and support ... you deserve so much better OP and your kids sound happy 🌺

Jayaywhynot · 03/09/2020 14:16

Nice one OP, you're a boss!
Let us know how it goes

EL8888 · 03/09/2020 14:17

Good on you! You don’t need him and his controlling / abusive / obnoxious silent ways. Onwards and upwards

I had to walk on eggshells with my ex husband and it was so draining. I don’t miss it

CarrieFour · 03/09/2020 14:25

Only just found this thread.

Well done @Merriden what an amazing strong woman you are.

So happy you have done this for yourself and your DC.

Here's to a great weekend for you all.

Jux · 03/09/2020 14:26

@Sootikinstew

FYI re call recording. If you choose to do this, you must show evidence that you have told him you will be doing this otherwise it can't be used as evidence as it's seen as 'entrapment'

An email stating any further verbal communication will be recorded will suffice.

That's important.

Can you note down these things, what he says/threatens, what he does, any contact etc; with dates of course. That can be very helpful, though with luck you won't need it.

Agree, that he is just following the script of the Spurned Abuser! They - almost without exception - threaten to take the kids, tell everyone you're mad, the Court won't allow you to even have contact with them when they see how mad/bad/whatever you are. And so on, ad infinitum. You've done so well not having to occupy the same space as him while he tantrums!

Enjoy your brighter atmosphere! Freedom!

SunshineCake · 03/09/2020 14:30

Is anyone else finding it impossible to get page one up? I am interested to read the email *@Merriden sent.

PickAChew · 03/09/2020 14:40

It's an annoying bug that's been around for a while. Try show op.

Motoko · 03/09/2020 14:45

Anyway, if he quits his job to avoid paying child maintenance, he won't be able to afford to take you to court for a custody battle. He certainly doesn't want to have his free time curtailed by having to look after his child. You'll be lucky if he even has DC every other weekend. Just wait and see, he'll come up with excuse after excuse for why he can't have him that weekend.

mbosnz · 03/09/2020 14:50

I'd be interested in how he's going to afford food and a roof over his head if he quits his job. I can't see him quickly finding somebody else to fund his very existence, because he really doesn't sound much of a prize. . .

Original poster
Merriden · 03/09/2020 14:50

@SunshineCake

Is anyone else finding it impossible to get page one up? I am interested to read the email *@Merriden** sent.
I hadn’t shared the email but I did just keep it factual. Basically said the relationship was over, that his stuff will be with my DB from Saturday and he is to collect it from there.

I didn’t tell him how much it has upset me or how just in case he used it as an opportunity to try and change my mind.

There have been some really, really good points raised and I thank you for the advice.

I have emailed a local solicitor and am waiting for a response. I just goggled getting a Child Arrangements Order (is that what I need for reisdency etc?) but the information I read said that I need to attend mediation before court which I am not over-keen on doing.

With regards to child care, DP has never picked DS up from nursery so to be fair, the staff wouldn’t recognise him. I will mention it to them when I collect him tonight, I hadn’t thought of my ex taking him from there.

It’s my day off tomorrow so I am going to make a list of things I need to do:

I’ve got to pack DP’s things and drop them at DB’s house
Call council tax for the reduction

I will also look into the Freedom Programme that someone further up mentioned.

Is there anything else I’m missing?!

I’ve also blocked my ex from both my phone and DD1’s phone so all communication has to come through email and I have written proof of what he says.

Can anyone think of anything I’ve missed?

Oh and yes, I will be saving so money not having to feed DP. He was a really fussy eater and hated us eating certain food so one of them in particular, I’m ordering in for me and the kids tonight.

Trying to celebrate the small things so that I don’t feel upset about another failed relationship

OP posts:
RhymesWithOrange · 03/09/2020 15:02

Sounds like you are doing really well OP.

I'd just think about any joint accounts/passwords you might need to change (bank, Netflix, online shopping) in case he messes with those.

Is he a names driver on your car insurance? Is he listed as an emergency contact for work etc.?

Also take pictures of everything you are bagging up to give to him so he can't argue later on you've stolen his favourite pair of tracksuit bottoms...

billybagpuss · 03/09/2020 15:02

Is it worth telling DD not to answer any calls she doesn’t recognise?

How is she coping with it?

Enjoy your meal tonight 😊

Krampusasbabysitter · 03/09/2020 15:16

Wow, this guy truly ticks off the bingo card of narcissistic abusers, i.e. the narcissistic rage when finally confronted with a boundary and no surprise, he enforced arbitrary rules about what you can eat in your own house! My abusive ex had a massive list of foods that he could not abide and which smell made him sick. Coincidentally, it was all my favourites. It was in my own home and he contributed nothing either. Had I know then what I know now and come to Mumsnet!

44PumpLane · 03/09/2020 15:16

OP please try not to think of this as another failed relationship, think of this as relief at a lucky escape.

You are better than this, you deserve more than this, you are a strong woman who is role modelling exceptional strength and great personal respect to your children by showing you value yourself (and them) too much to let some low life treat you poorly.

You are succeeding in improving your life.

You're a rock star xxx

mbosnz · 03/09/2020 15:20

This is a successful recognition of a toxic relationship, and very decisive exit of it.

I was looking for something to celebrate, and to cheer me up today, OP, and I'll be raising a glass to you tonight!

LonelyFromCorona · 03/09/2020 15:24

Congratulations. Stay strong. A fresh start :)